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coronavirus
 

offline DADONCK from here on 2020-02-04 23:57 [#02594332]
Points: 3523 Status: Regular | Followup to EpicMegatrax: #02594323



success, success, fucksass
sounds to me like you're badassely kicked dark matter in the
puss
and succeeded with that

i hope you are able to celebrate these achievements

i took a bath today and drank some wine
after i decided to pay off all my dept

it wasn't much left but i had to pay retarded assholes which
isn't easy
i think i focus more on the money i could loose, than on the
money i could make
i have to change that



 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-02-05 00:06 [#02594333]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



oh, god, settling the credit card bill was legitimately
sketchy as fuck. it was some boiler room operation that had
bought my credit card debt and they send me letters and
call.

once i have the money, i take a look. their website has no
login, no account, just type in some numbers and it has
payment options. very blank wall. i'm like: is this a scam?
their google reviews are terrible (what do you expect for
any collections agency?) but they do seem to be real. i
debate just paying with a virtual check.

i'm glad i did. apparently, if i'd tried to do that, it
probably wouldn't have worked, they tell me. so i start
working through some process and we're most of the way there
when the call disconnects. i call back in a panic, worrying
i'm going to have to do this all over again -- i'm doing
this over my lunchbreak. at a bar, to help my sense of
patience. by some miracle, i am connected to exactly the
same obese black lady (judging from the voice and
mannerisms) as before. "oh, yes, all our computers went
crazy" she informs me.

i get a confirmation number, address, instructions. bite my
lip and blindly mail thousands to this crappy place. wait.
freak out a bit. wait

then i get a release from debt letter. ok, this could still
be faked? is it clear? i run a credit report, and, thank
god, it is.

to make it absolutely clear i've paid it, they just sent me
an IRS form a few weeks back. apparently, if you settle a
debt for less than the original amount, the difference
counts as a profit and you have to pay taxes on this profit

god bless america.


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-02-11 05:33 [#02594681]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



LAZY_TITLE

“This is almost like a shooting gallery for the virus.
It doesn’t make sense and is almost cruel,” said Amesh
Adalja, a senior scholar at the Johns Hopkins Center for
Health Security.

The initial decision to quarantine the entire ship was an
attempt to strike a difficult balance between protecting
Japan from exposure and safeguarding the passengers and
crew. The infected have been removed from the ship and put
in hospitals. But experts argued that the growing number of
infections — which now exceeds the number of people with
the virus in the rest of Japan — calls for urgent action
and a new plan.


i've always had nothing but contempt for cruise ships. i
have seen countless news article about
virus-outbreak-on-cruise-ship, and, even before that, the
idea of being trapped in a floating hotel where you can't go
around the corner and pay 7/11 prices sounds like disney
dollar shit

however, now, ironically, this doesn't seem bad to me. stuck
in a 10x12 cabin with a laptop, unable to leave, i'd
probably write some good tracker shit


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-02-11 05:58 [#02594682]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



LAZY_TITLE

a virus hijacks a cell's replicative machinery to make
copies of itself until the infected cell is so stuffed with
copies of the virus it explodes and spews the copies
everywhere


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-02-11 06:06 [#02594683]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



LAZY_TITLE

oh my god, this guy is so full of shit i feel like i'm
choking on cotton

on the fence as to whether to post it here or in one of the
trump threads


 

offline Indeksical from Phobiazero Damage Control (United Kingdom) on 2020-02-11 08:42 [#02594684]
Points: 10671 Status: Regular | Show recordbag



I’ve had like 3 weeks worth of work cancelled because of
this thing. Really annoying.


 

offline mohamed from the turtle business on 2020-02-22 21:51 [#02595691]
Points: 31145 Status: Regular | Show recordbag



in italy


 

offline mohamed from the turtle business on 2020-02-22 21:58 [#02595692]
Points: 31145 Status: Regular | Show recordbag



im lolling hard thinking at my flatmate's face when i
questioned him today about his flu

he kinda rejoyed when i told him i broke my tooth


 

offline RussellDust on 2020-02-22 22:13 [#02595695]
Points: 16053 Status: Lurker



I have no flu symptoms but my hands, arms and jaw have been
trembling today.


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-02-23 03:11 [#02595698]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



i got a frickin' upper respiratory whatever again,
but this time it was quite mild, was feeling it thursday
nite, friday proper, today it's more distant. but, jeez, i
only had another cold, like, a week ago. i blame lack of
sleep, public transit, and working in an "open office" with
loads of people


 

offline Indeksical from Phobiazero Damage Control (United Kingdom) on 2020-02-23 06:45 [#02595709]
Points: 10671 Status: Regular | Show recordbag



Bloody Chinese eh, nightmare they are.


 

offline mohamed from the turtle business on 2020-02-28 21:14 [#02595961]
Points: 31145 Status: Regular | Show recordbag



i had something to lol today as i shaved my moustaches, the
skin reddened a bit and i went to the supermarket to be
singled out from the cashier saying, 'is everything
alright???' with some courage as he is always a man that
stands behind


 

offline Hyperflake from Wirral (United Kingdom) on 2020-02-28 21:44 [#02595967]
Points: 31006 Status: Lurker | Followup to mohamed: #02595961



haha


 

offline Tony Danza from NAFO Suicide Hotline on 2020-02-28 23:53 [#02595976]
Points: 3638 Status: Lurker



38% of Americans wouldn't buy Corona beer "under any
circumstances" because of the coronavirus, according to a
recent survey.


this does not appear to be a joke

umbro you're a prophet


 

offline Hyperflake from Wirral (United Kingdom) on 2020-02-29 00:29 [#02595980]
Points: 31006 Status: Lurker | Followup to Tony Danza: #02595976



saw that before, if its real we are fucked as a species
aren't we


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-02-29 00:55 [#02595981]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



CARONAVIRUS will DISAPPEAR like a MIRACLE


 

offline DADONCK from here on 2020-02-29 02:24 [#02595998]
Points: 3523 Status: Regular



it will get pretty drastic soon. i think i might be able to
stay home for some time


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-02-29 02:55 [#02596003]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular | Followup to DADONCK: #02595998



LAZY_TITLE

if that picks up over the weekend, trump is going to be
furious about what news coverage of it does to the
stock market next week

at a certain point, i realized it was no use. after
sharpiegate, i recalled some comedian's response to
applegate: trump was trying to spin his reference to tim
cook as "tim apple," and, yes, "it's like when a little
child comes up to you with marker all over their face, and
you ask them: 'did you draw on yourself with marker?' and
then the little kid adamantly denies it." now, there is an
actual incident with marker. can you see it yet? no? ffffu

his voting herd are in so deep they've found ways to
rationalize each and every bit of absurdity, with fox news
to fill in the blanks. meanwhile, the stock market is not
his voting herd. money is on the line, and trump has
repeatedly made claims he's not followed up on. even if the
US doesn't corone, it's effecting the factories in china
that make all the apple chips, and thus, still, the stock
market.

obviously, coronavirus is a conspiracy, put on my democrats
and the media, who are you, fucking seedy sea or whatever,
scaring my stock market. that's my gold star. who are you to
fuck with my gold star

yeah, it could get a bit drastic. at least i have enough bog
roll to last it out


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-03-03 01:00 [#02596180]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



bog roll rush

sitting pretty and feeling smug


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-03-03 01:11 [#02596183]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



y'all got took


 

offline ijonspeches from 109P/Swift-Tuttle on 2020-03-03 08:02 [#02596187]
Points: 7838 Status: Regular | Show recordbag



every day i cross a supermarkets parking lot and for about a
week now it is packed. people buying shitloads it seems. we
hardly give a fuck though and i havent met or talked to
anybody who does either. there was a pic in the local papers
of empty shelves, all the while telling us not to panic. its
weird having 80% of the pages filled with corona and apart
from that pic i feel well informed. while it most likely
wont kill any more than any other flu i feel somewhat
anxious to see how difficult it is to prevent a virus from
spreading. i live in a very densely populated area. dont
really want to imagine being closed in in a shut environment
with 5 million people storming the markets.


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-03-04 00:59 [#02596204]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



The two Iranian men who defied coronavirus warnings when
they videotaped themselves licking holy shrines in Qom could
face prison and flogging.

The now-viral videos of the two men began circulating over
the weekend as Iran continues to work to contain the spread
of the novel coronavirus. Officially known as COVID-19, it
has killed at least 77 in the Middle Eastern country.


on the one hand, i should probably be respectful of other
religions and cultures.
on the other hand... licking a holy shrine? really, that is
your religious culture? lol


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-03-04 01:00 [#02596205]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



flogging!

double flogging!


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-03-04 01:08 [#02596206]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



LAZY_TITLE

shit, do it, bro, do it. fellate that fucking shrine

(shit, he's doing it)

also

Then, suddenly, the stillness was shattered, as a
sent-home-from-school-early Mewes kicked the Rec door open,
marched into the building Groucho Marx style, and proceeded
to fellate everything somewhat phallic in the room.

Walt and I watched with wonder as Mewes grabbed a pool cue
and pretended to suck it off. Losing interest, he ran up to
the phone on the front desk, grabbed the receiver from the
cradle, and pretended to suck that off. He grabbed the flag
pole and did the same. He grabbed a whiffle ball bat and did
the same. This went on for twenty minutes, with seemingly no
regard for our presence whatsoever. He never looked at us as
if to say “Are you seeing this shit?” He never looked at
us at all. He didn’t seem to care that we were even there.
This wasn’t a show for our benefit. It was as if he’d
been walking around Highlands moments earlier, took a gander
at his watch, and was like “Wow – it’s two o’clock.
I’d better get down to the Rec and suck everything off.”
The kid had an agenda, and he was actively fulfilling it.

It was when he finally reached the Rec’s only video game
– a standard “Asteroids” kiosk that time had forgotten
– that he finally paused. Studying it momentarily and
finding nothing dick-like to pretend to suck off, he seemed
stymied. There was no joystick to give him purchase; just a
roller ball and a fire button. Walt and I watched with great
curiosity, waiting to see how he’d overcome this
unforeseen obstacle.

After what felt like five minutes, Mewes shrugged, bent down
to the game controls, and started working the roller ball
like it was a clit – his tongue darting in and out of his
mouth, lapping at the orb as he spun it with his f


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-03-04 01:21 [#02596207]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



someone described kissing the blarney stone to me, and i
thought that was retarded as well: you're relying on other
people to dangle you over the edge of precipice so you can
kiss some rock thousands of other people kiss each month?
that is both dangerous and gross. and i don't need it. i'm
half irish and talk too much already


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-03-04 01:35 [#02596208]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



maybe, however, performing cunnilingus on an ornate fence
would benefit me spiritually


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-03-04 01:37 [#02596209]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



Iran temporarily released more than 54,000 prisoners in
an effort to prevent the spread of the coronavirus outbreak
in the country’s overcrowded prisons, as the disease has
killed dozens in the country and infected 23 members of the
Iranian parliament.

Judiciary spokesman Gholamhossein Esmaili told reporters
certain inmates were allowed out of prison after testing
negative for COVID-19 and posting bail. “Security
prisoners,” sentenced to more than five years, would not
be let out.


i'm sure those 54,000 people will be responsible citizens
and promptly report back to prison once the panic is over.


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-03-04 02:03 [#02596210]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



i was in israel on a business trip and they were kind enough
to set me up with a tour bus to jerusalem one weekend. there
are many points of interest, but here i would reference
bethlehem: what a fucking dump. they drove us to some famous
church and the people there were obnoxious, demanding
everyone take off their shoes and take off this shirt or
whatever to show the appropriate respect. i really have no
idea what's going on, i'm just happy to be out of the
scorching summer sun. they harass me about my shirt or
something. eventually, everyone queues up. i have no idea
what's going on. finally, it's my turn, and there's just
this fucking hole in the floor. or maybe there was something
in it, i don't recall. but it was just a missing tile inside
a shrine and down into the dirt, and i had no idea what was
going on. i looked at it, trying to appear reverent, and
then moved along. later i learned i was supposed to stick
some widget in the hole to bless it or some crap; totally
missed the boat there. the wall you wedge paper into made
much more sense to me; i nailed that one


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-03-04 02:04 [#02596211]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



a part of me is all "be nice, be nice" but another part of
me wants to force-feed religion cotton until it shuts the
fuck up.


 

offline mohamed from the turtle business on 2020-03-11 20:30 [#02596891]
Points: 31145 Status: Regular | Show recordbag



been to the doctor today, had a lol when i came back home
cos there was a sick patient speaking from outside the
building saying they won't do the test on him and keep on
telling 'why, why' in a funny accent since he was a
foreigner


 

offline DADONCK from here on 2020-03-11 21:35 [#02596895]
Points: 3523 Status: Regular



i almost finished my studio, just need a midi merger and a
few little things that i will order tomorrow. tomorrow will
also be my last dentist visit. my new tooth is modeled and
ready to be put into my face

corona, come at me bro. im ready to just sit at home for a
month, to only go outside to buy food and toilet paper. a
month at home in quarantine. payed. can't wait.


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-03-12 04:56 [#02596920]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



LAZY_TITLE


 

offline Portnoy on 2020-03-12 07:54 [#02596922]
Points: 1491 Status: Regular



SA only has a few confirmed cases but my wife is now in
quarantine as per her work's instructions, as she was in
contact with travelling foreigners. So here we are.

Also, Tom Hanks has corona virus. I like Tom Hanks.


 

offline Portnoy on 2020-03-12 07:55 [#02596923]
Points: 1491 Status: Regular | Followup to mohamed: #02596891



Hang in there mo. Wife's mum lives in Pesaro. She's very
worried.


 

offline RussellDust on 2020-03-12 12:20 [#02596926]
Points: 16053 Status: Lurker



It’s getting a bit mad here. Only a couple of hours from
northern Italy so shits getting real. I have a heart
condition, asthma and emphysema so I’ll probably have a
rough time if I get it. In the other hand I rarely (if ever)
get the flu so maybe my immune system isn’t too shabby.

Must be crazy in Italy, mo...


 

offline mohamed from the turtle business on 2020-03-12 12:31 [#02596928]
Points: 31145 Status: Regular | Show recordbag



pandemic apart should be always like this, i mean the
streets, empty like in a post-apocalyptic scenario


 

offline Roger Wilco from Mo's Beans on 2020-03-12 12:31 [#02596929]
Points: 1997 Status: Regular



Do you kind of get the feeling we should all start saying
goodbye and, in some cases, fervently apologising?

*coughs, sweats and farts all at the same time*


 

offline mohamed from the turtle business on 2020-03-12 12:33 [#02596930]
Points: 31145 Status: Regular | Show recordbag



nature advances in this scenery, with lack of sound and air
pollution its all about the birds


 

offline mohamed from the turtle business on 2020-03-12 12:34 [#02596931]
Points: 31145 Status: Regular | Show recordbag



we enter into supermarkets in a row


 

offline mohamed from the turtle business on 2020-03-12 12:37 [#02596932]
Points: 31145 Status: Regular | Show recordbag



its the new chernobyl


 

offline mohamed from the turtle business on 2020-03-12 12:51 [#02596933]
Points: 31145 Status: Regular | Show recordbag



in case i die, last album i bought was Inspektah Deck's
Chamber 9


 

offline RussellDust on 2020-03-12 12:58 [#02596934]
Points: 16053 Status: Lurker | Followup to Roger Wilco: #02596929



Maybe, yes... I’m sorry I shagged your mum, Roger.


 

offline RussellDust on 2020-03-12 12:59 [#02596935]
Points: 16053 Status: Lurker | Followup to mohamed: #02596928



Must be spooky.


 

offline Tony Danza from NAFO Suicide Hotline on 2020-03-12 13:45 [#02596938]
Points: 3638 Status: Lurker



Friends, I've a dry cough. Sorry for all the people I've
tortured online, and I accept Jesus into my life as my Lord
and Saviour.


 

offline Roger Wilco from Mo's Beans on 2020-03-12 14:16 [#02596939]
Points: 1997 Status: Regular | Followup to RussellDust: #02596934



If you did shag my mum, it's me that should be sorry for
inadvertently introducing you to the miserable,
hatchet-faced old crone.

I've got a bit of a dry cough too.... *lets loose another
weak fart
*


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-03-12 14:25 [#02596943]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



my prayers are with the bartenders who will miss my generous
tips


 

offline Portnoy on 2020-03-12 16:15 [#02596947]
Points: 1491 Status: Regular



I'm still trying to get my head around how to disinfect
properly. Ran out to the shops today, bought: tobacco,
papers, fruit, a bread and a 500ml Fanta. I come home, wash
my hands, yet I worry that everything else could still be
contaminated. So many people had their hands on it,
including the lady at the till. What difference does it
make? And the arsehole standing in line at the tobacco shop
was all up in my face too. No respect for the bubble.


 

offline RussellDust on 2020-03-12 16:26 [#02596948]
Points: 16053 Status: Lurker | Followup to Portnoy: #02596947



I guess wash your hands after drinking your Fanta and eating
your bread. ;P

And don’t pick your nose or rub your eyes.

A guy the other day was telling me how he’s a
hypochondriac and if someone sneezes near him it ruins his
day. As he was saying this bits of his spit were going in my
bag full of groceries, on my jumper and on my face. The
nausea started to creep in...


 

offline Portnoy on 2020-03-12 16:34 [#02596949]
Points: 1491 Status: Regular | Followup to RussellDust: #02596948



Too late! Yer fucked

Difficult not to touch your face. Somethings always itching.


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-03-12 17:11 [#02596951]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



my russian cow orker has a habit of getting too close and
spitting as he talks, occasionally grabbing away my computer
mouse. it irritates the shit out of me under normal
circumstances, but, last monday i almost fucking punched him


 


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