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EpicMegatrax writes more bullshit
 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-07-19 00:29 [#02582618]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



lol


 

offline mermaidman on 2019-07-21 22:26 [#02582749]
Points: 6227 Status: Lurker



epicmegatrax i wrote a new theme song for your show
epicmegatrax writes more bullshit. its called fart jazz. if
u wanr to use it u need to pay some dolla billz ok?
LAZY_TITLE oh and the lyrics are "if u feel like some
bullshit baby yeah, epic gotz u covered baby yeah"


 

offline mermaidman on 2019-07-21 22:28 [#02582750]
Points: 6227 Status: Lurker



i shared it low bit rate so u don't steal it ok? if u want
the hi res i need to see the cash money first


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-08-15 02:29 [#02583552]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



i saw this, and it got me thinking.

casting hexagrams, perhaps? throwing a bunch of widgets at
the floor, and using their configuration to predict the
future. drinking a cup of tea, and seeing a pattern of
leaves in the clouds at the bottom.

your state of mind, obviously, influences how you drink your
tea. how you tense and move when you cast hexagrams,
widgets, how you sort the deck, or attempt not to, in tarot

it's a way of setting up enough of a barrier of confusion
that the conscious mind cannot color the reading (as much)
with the ego's fussy hangups, i suppose.

i also feel like it may be, in a sense, an externalization
of the concept of metaphor. or perhaps what we did right
before metaphors became a thing. sort of a bootstrap measure
in between memorizing cause/effect couplings of increasing
complexity


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-08-15 02:33 [#02583553]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



https://arstechnica.com/science/2019/08/archaeologists-disc
overed-an-invaluable-cache-of-ritual-artifacts-at-pompeii/


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-10-26 18:34 [#02588182]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



so, where were we? there was the drug question thread. i
got that slightly wrong, the guy who actually owned the
condo was some random black dude he met in a park and the
space cadet lady on ??? drugs was just black dude's
girlfriend.

but, yeah, he was just kind of crashing in their spare
bedroom, and, while chill, it did not strike me as a stable
situation. so, when he told me he found a place on
craigslist, but he needed a little cash and help moving, the
answer was: yes, sure. please do it

the landlord was working on his mum's house, and... how to
describe... a tall, muscular skinhead, of the stripe that
will talk right up in your face and grab your arm for
emphasis sometimes, thwack you in the chest to emphasize a
point. living with this guy would drive me nuts. but lewis
can handle him, i figure.

the place is, like... he doesn't lock the door, because
there are no windows in the front door, and you can just
reach in and open the lock, so what's the fucking point? his
bedroom is still full of tools and and arc welder so we tidy
the room up and lug the mattress downstairs. i think: this
is definitely a bit of a fix'r/uppr, but lewis can do
whatever the fuck he wants here. indeed, he was perfectly
allowed to chain-smoke cigarettes indoors, so i was kind of
hoping it'd work.


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-10-26 18:44 [#02588183]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



things are calm for a week or two, then the radar blips.
lewis calls me in a panic, asking if he can stay tonight.
his sister called the cops because he was saying scary shit
on the phone and landlord freaks out because he has a fine
he didn't pay two states away? or something

lewis crashes at my place for a night, things settle down,
he goes back. i visit the next weekend, and baldyman
landlord is clearly lit. later, once we're in the car, i
ask: is that guy on coke? lewis is all, oh, no.

but then, having lived there for a month and a half, the guy
somehow conned lewis out of a bunch of cash, something to do
with bad checks. i don't know the details. but i do feel
kind of bad: some alarm bells went off in the back of my
brain the moment i met this guy, and i should have listened.
i just really wanted it to work out for lewis, and
encouraged him to stick it out.

i found this all out after the fact, since he randomly
wasn't talking for me for two weeks. at that point, he was
staying at some random chick's house just down the road from
baldyjerk's house. he calls me up in quite a state, defcon
1, saying he needs to leave right now and can he come stay
with me. yes, sure.

he is absolutely convinced that his mom ate him as a baby,
his mom eats babies, and then replaced him. wandering in and
out of dissociation. he has zero attention span. we'll go
out to smoke a zig, and he's off somewhere, he starts
wandering down the front path to the driveway. "hey, where
are you going?" he turns around and comes back. this
situation repeats itself over and over.

he's a bit better the next day, but i have work. i am
terrified to leave him alone, but, fuck, i have to go to
work. suffice to say that his day started off alright, then
he went and had a beer at the bar around the corner, then
off to a fire station because his mom was eating babies
again and they gave him a lift to the hospital.


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-10-26 18:57 [#02588184]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



i got home from work, and i had no idea about any of this.
he simply wasn't there. i'm freaking out, worried he's
wandering around at night somewhere. call and text, no
answer.

from what i gather, a nurse at the ER saw my "are you ok?
where are you?" texts flashing by and gave him back his
phone, at which point he explained the situation.

i was hugely upset. as tough as it is when he's like this, i
was actually super-stoked that he would just be there when i
got home. before, he was a 40-minute drive away, and that's
tough to do after a 120 minute commute after a full day's
work.

the ER, mercifully, lets him out, and he gets an uber back.
that weekend is super-tough, a marathon. at one point he
goes out for a zig and i was... cleaning the sink in the
bathroom, of all things... and then he's yelling and i had
to run out and usher him back in before someone got freaked
out and called the cops on him. because the yelling was
about how they cut off his balls and were going to slit him
from anus to sternum, because that's how you kill a god

i should note, he would never hurt a fly. but he will
absolutely yell freaky shit, and if you don't know he's
harmless, you would be fucking freaked the fuck out. my job,
at that point, is to listen to him, accept what he has to
say (give it genuine consideration, thoughtful response, no
lying allowed), and then try to lead his focus elsewhere,
because he can't control his own focus. it's like trying to
jump-start coherency. he's not in control of his train of
thought, he needs someone else external to him to regularly
bring his focus back to reality


 

offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-10-26 19:15 [#02588186]
Points: 5591 Status: Lurker



give it genuine consideration, thoughtful response, no
lying allowed


this is exactly what is needed. you are a good and patient
dude and he's lucky to have you in his corner. i can't
really advise you without knowing him inside out, but
listening is always a good thing. if you can get him to
reason his way out of elements of the psychosis all the
better. i'll be thinking of you two


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-10-26 19:18 [#02588188]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



by monday, he's significantly better, but i'm still
terrified to leave him alone all day. not worried about my
apartment, not worried about him burning the place down,
just worried he'll get carted off to the hospital again. i
contact his sister, one of his few remaining family members
who is actually of help, and she agrees to give him a couple
calls throughout the day. i do too, and, thank god, he was
fine when i got back from work.

tuesday, however, he locks himself out around noon, and i
just think: he can't be stuck outside that long. so i get
permission to work from home the rest of the day, shell out
for an uber from the city, and thankfully, things are fine.
unfortunately, he's still in such a state that i barely get
any work done, because he's still apt to wander off.
eventually, he realizes the key i gave him was in his back
pocket the whole time, and he just thought he left it
inside.

throughout this, i am trying to inspire him to adapt some of
my own coping methods. i introduce him to the moog
grandmother, and that was an immediate success. he was glued
to it for a half hour straight, just playing with noises. i
also got him to actually focus on playing simcity 2000 for
about the same amount of time. outside of moments like this,
his attention span is, like, two seconds. so to see him get
into something and focus was like... i dunno, i felt about
how i imagine a parent feels when their kid first manages to
ride a bike without help.

throughout the week, things gradually improve. the outright
dissociative craziness calms down, and it's mostly like he's
on the phone all the time. "yeah. uh huh. nope." he's just
talking with Them. he actually wears a phone headset when
he's out so it appears like he's actually on the phone, even
though he's not.


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-10-26 19:31 [#02588189]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



towards the end of the week he's actually starting to hack
around on his computer again, which made me incredibly
happy. not only was the dismal, oh just delete it, it'll
never work, he's recompiling the kernel and fucking with
bootloaders. despite all his issues, he's a talented
hacker... or, he is when he has it together.

mostly, it's just been incredibly rewarding to see him
actually able to focus again. thursday, i gave him a call to
check in, but i thought: he'll be fine. he was. worked from
home friday and was actually able to get work done.

midway through the week, he began calling me his boyfriend,
and i had no argument with label whatsoever. it's been tough
on me, exhausting -- that's why i haven't been posting here,
much. but it's also gotten me to clean up my act quite a
bit... cut back massively on alcohol, barely smoking any
weed. going to bed early, getting up early. my attitude
before was all... oh, why bother going to bed early? i just
have work tomorrow, nothing special to get up for

he reliably repays all the stressful moments with wonderful
ones. this morning, we were outside, and he declares it the
perfect weather to catch leaves. then we're running around,
chasing falling leaves like a pair of little kids. i love
him very much.


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-10-26 19:49 [#02588191]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular | Followup to belb: #02588186



this is exactly what is needed. you are a good and
patient dude and he's lucky to have you in his corner. i
can't really advise you without knowing him inside out, but
listening is always a good thing. if you can get him to
reason his way out of elements of the psychosis all the
better. i'll be thinking of you two


thank you, i really appreciate it. i also deeply appreciate
your advice earlier in this thread, and elsewhere.

if he's past a point, telling him his delusions are wrong
would just cause him to emphatically claim that yes, they
are accurate -- with a look in his eye that eric andre has
definitely mastered

but it's more than that. i hate lying, i even dislike
summarizing (because glossing over whole sections can add up
to significant inaccuracy). even when we first started
hanging out years ago, when i'd never seen him that far
gone, it was still just my natural attitude.

lending an ear, i've actually come to feel many of his
delusions come from somewhere, even if the end result is
fruit salad. like the thing with his mum eating babies, he'd
told his mum he hated her and was feeling quite guilty about
it, even after he apologized. after some discussion during
more lucid moments about his mum and his feelings and her
feelings i stopped hearing that one

i go back to my analogy of consciousness being like the
"warp core integrity" of star trek [tech]. it's not like
he's either lucid or dissociated, it's a contiuum; a
percentage. when he gets bad, things rapidly get worse, but
when he's better, that forms a defense against things
getting worse. best i can do is re-enforce his consciousness
with my own. he will never be cured, best is remission, but
that's good enough for me.


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-10-30 23:57 [#02588368]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



oh, poo. he gives me a call letting me know the cops called
him on a wellness check. later he gives me a call to let him
know the cops have picked him up. eventually it emerges
that, in the midst of a (monday?) episode, he sent some
government agency an incredibly bizarre email, and, as
government agencies do, they followed up on it. four hours
at the hospital, eventually i get him out. as soon as i get
home, my landlady calls me freaking out. he scared children.
the cops were here. he has to leave

i trust the guy with a stove and knives when i'm out of the
house, but my fear was always that he'd be yelling at voices
outdoors and get carted off. now he's somehow managed to
one-up himself, and bleh. i knew he was rough monday. he was
apologizing profusely, admitted to yelling, but i suspect
there was a part of him that knew there was worse to come.
we both had rather intense dreams monday night that we
discussed, and it oddly lined up with events, including when
i put on the origin charlie and the chocolate factory at the
end of the night and multiple elements in the movie that
neither of us particularly remember correlated.

thankfully he was able to go back to Drug Question Lady, but
i do worry he'll shoot himself in the foot there like he did
here; weird out the neighbors and force his host's hand.

apartment feels rather empty, now.


 

offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-10-31 00:38 [#02588374]
Points: 5591 Status: Lurker



aw man, sorry to hear that. at least he's got a roof over
his head though, albeit with drug question lady. there's
only so much you can do for him... is he taking / even
prescribed an antipsychotic at the mo, or is he totally
opposed to the idea? i can only really see him getting
better with properly calibrated medication and a healthy
routine


 

offline mohamed from the turtle business on 2019-10-31 00:46 [#02588375]
Points: 30718 Status: Regular | Followup to belb: #02588374 | Show recordbag



Oooh just shut the fuck up


 

offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-10-31 00:53 [#02588376]
Points: 5591 Status: Lurker | Followup to mohamed: #02588375



what's yr problem dickslap? i'm not talking about you, "mo"
in that post meant "moment" not "mohamed" if that's what yr
upset about


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-10-31 01:38 [#02588377]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



he accepts the reality of what he has done in the past
during breaks, but i hear him on the phone trying to land
another place, and there are emphatic "that will never
happen again" and stuff like that. i bring up his colossal
email fail and he fully admits the reality of it but is
adamant it will never happen again. asking something like
"but what if it does?" really sets him off. it's really a
raw nerve. it's actually quite a puzzle and i'm having a
deep think


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-10-31 01:45 [#02588378]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



it almost feels like my old analogy: i am like an
eighteen-wheeler being driven by a squirrel. is the squirrel
driving the truck, or is the truck driving the squirrel?

squirrel, consciousness. truck, emotion.

continuing, i feel like the truck is driving the squirrel,
with lewis. the emotionds make freud/id decisions and the
rationality comes later. suggesting that he might send
another stupid email is such a poignant question that he
overloads and rejects reality to avoid a volcano of negative
emotions. and substitutes his own


 

offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-10-31 02:21 [#02588379]
Points: 5591 Status: Lurker



i've known a bunch of schizophrenics now, and it kinda tends
to rub em the wrong way suggesting that they're not rational
enough to know what theire next move is. which is
understandable, but it's part of getting better to delegate
some responsibility to doctors and meds, even though it's
harsh on the ego. i don't know what you can do apart from be
his friend, it's got to come from within him really


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-10-31 03:05 [#02588380]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



a smartwatch and some neural networks. watch reads
biorhythms. a sufficiently nutty companion notes breaks,
general mood. a neural network is trained to detect episodic
patterns and trigger a smartphone intervention. get someone
on the phone. then the neural network can be used to a
neural network and the patterns in the patterns in the
patterns monthly


 

offline mohamed from the turtle business on 2019-10-31 08:53 [#02588383]
Points: 30718 Status: Regular | Followup to belb: #02588376 | Show recordbag



you i'll be smileying


 

offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-10-31 09:29 [#02588384]
Points: 5591 Status: Lurker | Followup to mohamed: #02588383



sei incomprensibile ultimamente. prendi le tue medicine per
favore


 

offline mohamed from the turtle business on 2019-10-31 12:14 [#02588390]
Points: 30718 Status: Regular | Followup to belb: #02588384 | Show recordbag



mi fanno una siringa al mese


 

offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-10-31 13:04 [#02588393]
Points: 5591 Status: Lurker | Followup to mohamed: #02588390



spero che funzioni per te, siamo stati preoccupati qui


 

offline mohamed from the turtle business on 2019-10-31 17:38 [#02588403]
Points: 30718 Status: Regular | Followup to belb: #02588393 | Show recordbag



smettetela di dire cazzate


 

offline mohamed from the turtle business on 2019-10-31 17:48 [#02588406]
Points: 30718 Status: Regular | Show recordbag



coglione te e il tuo ego del cazzo


 

offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-10-31 17:51 [#02588407]
Points: 5591 Status: Lurker | Followup to mohamed: #02588403



sospiro, ci ho provato. ok, vai a fottere il tuo cane,
stronzo imbarazzante


 

offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-10-31 18:06 [#02588409]
Points: 5591 Status: Lurker



xlt readershi: if you can't be bothered translating just
imagine two moustachioed plumbers gesticulating at each
other


 

offline mohamed from the turtle business on 2019-10-31 18:07 [#02588410]
Points: 30718 Status: Regular | Show recordbag



stai zitto


 

offline mohamed from the turtle business on 2019-10-31 18:09 [#02588411]
Points: 30718 Status: Regular | Show recordbag



stronzo


 

offline steve mcqueen from caerdydd (United Kingdom) on 2019-11-01 20:17 [#02588437]
Points: 4720 Status: Regular



scherzo, fffff


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-11-03 23:51 [#02588517]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



aaaugh. Drug Question Lady has unfolded. indeed, there was
more. lewis, i suspect, knew, and blamed it on the alchohol
-- which yes, most of it probably is -- but then, no she
also liked crack, and the guy she was dating that set lewis
up there brought crack back in after she hadn't done it in a
while but at the same time the crack guy was super nice,
went out on a limb for lewis multiple times, called his mum
to let him know lewis was ok. i was actually kind of
gobsmacked because, to my knowledge, he had not done one
shitty thing besides borrow a bit much money and you'd
expect a crackhead to do much worse. so you can understand,
hearing Drug Question Lady unload that on me tonight, i was
like, djfhgkjdfg wtf


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-11-04 00:00 [#02588518]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



honestly it's like the set of a bad play over there
she's laid up in bed for days at a time. there is a
foul-tempered cat with mottled fur she is snipping at with
scissors. she cries about the death of her son, for five or
ten seconds, before apologizing and speaking about something
else. her son died, if i caught it correctly, of klonopin
and booze, despite mostly preferring heroin. the wall was
speckled with white like clouds where her son had punched
holes in the walls. lewis talked about how perhaps he could
fix it. sand this, move that. he's always had this amazing
optimism.


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-11-04 00:03 [#02588519]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



she was going to get her morning coffee and she tripped over
her son's dead body and she just knew he was dead

not really what i expected to hear i have to say


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-11-04 02:08 [#02588529]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



i am playing deus ex: hunan chickoloution. and god does this
game do my hed in. quicksave tangent story epic for
explosive organic reaction composite


 

offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-11-04 04:52 [#02588531]
Points: 5591 Status: Lurker



oh man i'm outta my depth advice-wise when it comes to
crack. only known a few guys at the homeless shelter who
were into it and yeah they were pretty sketchy. apart from
one guy actually, he always had a lot of grime
recommendations and better weed than other ppl there so i'd
buy from him if i could. 1000 yard stare is putting it
mildly tho

i hate to be "that guy" but is lewis gonna be tempted to get
into all the crack, heroin, benzos etc? cos i would not
advise that


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-11-05 00:59 [#02588563]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



Drug Question Lady and Crack Man broke up; Crack Man is "in
New York," which could be said for a lot of people. Even
here, however, he was decent, and essentially brokered
Lewis's return to Drug Question Lady's spare bedroom.
Despite being separated and out of state and smoking crack,
he still called up Drug Question Lady and put her back in
touch with Lewis. Drug Question Lady said: i'd been off
crack for ages, and he brought it back in, that's part of
why it's over. that she more or less said it's shit, she's
over it, because you're always chasing and it's shit

meanwhile, thankfully, no, i seriously doubt lewis would
touch it. he's told me of a phase he went through before we
met during which he did shitloads of cocaine. occasionally
he'll joke we should go get some, with perhaps a distant
wisp of seriousness, but then we're both "oh, nah, fuck that
shit." so, i would be a bit worried if it were coke instead
of crack, but it's not, and Drug Question Lady seems to
prefer sobriety -- or, relative sobriety. she has a zillion
pill bottles by her bed and was on about how the shit off
the street is poison and why bother when she has this crap

so, the portrait of her continues to evolve: history of
crack usage (i should have known from the voice),
alcoholism, likely pharmaceutical involvement. frankly, i
spent a bit over there on sunday, and her memory seemed
on-point. she was not asking the same questions every two
minutes, and i think what i saw before was the sundown of
some crack smoking combined with booze.

benzos, i dunno. in the mental hospital he'd pester them for
ativan sometimes, but i honestly think that was out of sheer
boredom and he's never really shown any interest in 'em
otherwise

my worries are actually quite modest: if he has three or
four beers, he may send another stupid letter to a
government agency, or freak out the neighbors yelling at his
voices. weed won't immediately put him in it, but he's right
down the road from a dispensary and if he smokes his face
off t


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-11-05 01:00 [#02588564]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



hat can also cause incidents.

heroin, fuck no, he was never into opiates and has spoken
about length about how drugs that can make you stop
breathing terrify him


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-11-05 01:19 [#02588565]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



long term i think if we could rent a house, that would
probably hold together if certain prerequisites are met:
like, we both have to quit cigarettes, and i have to spend
another couple months paying off debt and saving some cash.
my real concern is that his living situation will fall apart
within a month or two for whatever reason and beyond what
he's got right now i have a hard time pulling some other
suitable temporary situation out of my behind. he has
housing and assistance through the state and the VA but a
lot of requires "medication compliance" and he a rather
inflexible "i'm not taking meds, i'm not going back to the
hospital" attitude. this is fine for now, but if he's backed
into a corner with nowhere to live unless he takes meds then
he is definitely liable to make some very bad decisions.
part of it is childish posturing; he's all "oh, i'll just go
to a shelter" and this upset me until his sister told me
he's been threatening that for ages and never actually
carries through. it's mostly just his -- to use his phrase
-- "cavalier attitude towards life" that causes him to make
massively over-optimistic assumptions that worries me. he
won't go to a shelter, but he will blindly assume that he
won't mess this situation up, that it will just be stable,
and even if he doesn't mess it up, i cannot say how stable
it really is and then what


 

offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-11-05 01:53 [#02588566]
Points: 5591 Status: Lurker



it's a tough situation. what exactly is his complaint with
the (prescribed) medication? is it side effects like weight
gain n limp dick or does he not want to lose some of the
voices? who exactly does he believe they are - govt
technology, aliens, people he knows? i'm just thinking, if
he's got insurance he can negotiate for a better drug
regimen, or if he wants to take back control of the
voice-hearing i have some tips, although obviously for me
it's been combined with the meds

good to hear he won't be too tempted by crack n smack, and
ativan is pretty mild if he doesn't make a habit of it. weed
is a temptation for me too but by this point he must
recognise it's bad news for us schizos


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-11-05 02:34 [#02588568]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



there is no specific complaint. however, i feel his general
attitude. i was one of those children who kept disrupting
class, and i was put on adderall by my pediatric doctor, who
simply followed the standard practices of the early 90s. i
got the 2-inch stack of medical history from my compulsively
documentary pop when i was old enough, and i could look it
up, but that pile of papers still makes me want to hit
things, so i won't. suffice to say that i eventually got
transferred to some svengali bastard who was the subject of
an entire chapter in the generally-ignored scandal regarding
the off-label use of risperdal. because i was, like,
disruptive and moody, i was put on a powerful anti-psychotic
intended for schizophrenics, along with a second, more
obscure one for, i dunno, parity. i got to college and tried
pot and alcohol, and psychedelics interested me. but, i
read, risperdal would fight with 'em. i stopped taking the
other med -- serzone -- first. nothing blew up. after a few
weeks, i stopped taking the risperdal. then, differences
were apparent. i began having far more "oh my god, trees are
so pretty" moments. it did destabilize me somewhat, but if
i'd never been on it in the first place, there would not
have been any such discontinuity.

lewis was also on risperdal for a bit. contrary to my
experience, where i sort of grew up with it in part, he got
to experience what it did to him as a full adult, directly.

truth be told, i would be happy if he decided to take meds.
he's dealing with way more than i ever had to. however, to
the day i day, i will defend his right to make that decision
for himself. it's not an issue to me. the "well, and then
what" is more on my mind


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-11-05 02:49 [#02588569]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



there is the divide between mood-stabilizers and
anti-psychotics. the latter alters your personality a lot
more than the former. i have lost weeks, even months of my
life at a time due to depression. just lying in bed all day,
because, fuck it. i have this increasingly urgent sense that
lewis has the same condition, but with another layer on top:
whereas i was subsumed by the dismal feelings, he has
rejected ownership of them and it's been cleaved off between
his bubbly positive self and some cold daemons screaming
impending reality at him


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-11-05 02:59 [#02588570]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



if you look up current schizophrenia canon, it goes back to
early womb development; an issue with the density of neural
connections. gut sense it's almost an inverse of the issues
that cause autism. too wild, too OCD, etc. with 95% of
normal humans in between.

previous civilizations did both better and worse with all
this. ancient greece, you'd either be a contender for the
oracle of delphi or clubbed over the head with a rock; left
to die the rest of exposure. the issue of what to do with
unwanted babbies has fostered mankind's creativity for
generations

now, capitalism rules. it's rather annoying. i have zero
anxiety about leaving lewis alone all day with, like, knives
and a gas stove. it's just the reactions of other freaking
people that cause friction, and jesus christ does it make me
want a quiet house in the middle of nowhere because if we're
not buried in other fucking idiots then problems will have
enough room to air out naturally


 

offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-11-05 03:11 [#02588571]
Points: 5591 Status: Lurker | Followup to EpicMegatrax: #02588568



i hear ya. antipsychotics are not to be taken lightly and
overprescription is scandalous, especially in merica. it
must be hard to "recommend" something like risperidal if
you've had yr childhood / teens blunted by it but if he's
suffering with the voices badly enough to be screaming at
them, i would advise he give them another try. risperidal
stopped my voices full stop for about 18 months when i was
at the shelter, and it was only missed doses and drug and
alcohol abuse that brought em back. if he knows full well he
can get to the point where his condition is gonna put his
house / flat / whatever at risk he needs to seriously
consider the meds. i think they may bring him peace, and
it's usually worth trading mana and positive schizo fun for
peace in the long run


 

offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-11-05 03:14 [#02588572]
Points: 5591 Status: Lurker



i mean, not everyone is a spike milligan


 

offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-11-05 07:53 [#02588576]
Points: 5591 Status: Lurker | Followup to belb: #02588571



*mania not mana but you got that i guess

and i think spike milligan was bipolar not schizophrenic,
but my point is not everyone can feed creatively on their
mental health issue, i know i can't. lewis is another
programmer, right?


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-11-07 02:48 [#02588683]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular | Followup to belb: #02588571



it must be hard to "recommend" something like risperidal
if you've had yr childhood / teens blunted by it but if he's
suffering with the voices badly enough to be screaming at
them, i would advise he give them another try. risperidal
stopped my voices full stop for about 18 months when i was
at the shelter, and it was only missed doses and drug and
alcohol abuse that brought em back. if he knows full well he
can get to the point where his condition is gonna put his
house / flat / whatever at risk he needs to seriously
consider the meds. i think they may bring him peace, and
it's usually worth trading mana and positive schizo fun
forpeace in the long run


before, however, you also said this:

i've known a bunch of schizophrenics now, and it kinda
tends to rub em the wrong way suggesting that they're not
rational enough to know what theire next move is. which is
understandable, but it's part of getting better to delegate
some responsibility to doctors and meds, even though it's
harsh on the ego. i don't know what you can do apart from be
his friend, it's got to come from within him really


after that, i thought: shit, shit, he's right. i immediately
thought of how my mum would be all "but what if it happens
again" and even just the tone of voice would
massively trigger me

i've said as much to him as what you just posted: if it's
this bad, maybe meds are the lesser evil. no, nope.

meanwhile, there was cocaine over there last night, and he
did some, and meeeh. he actually seemed less depressed
today, but i worry about him being around that. bad news
bears

worse is that some neighbors have more or less threatened to
call the cops if they ever see him around my place again,
and he's always begging me to come over. i finally caved and
called my landlady about it and it was not a succinct, "no,
he can never come over again" but not much better at "the
neighbors might call the cops if they see him, and if they
do, i very well might kick you out."

ugh. because he


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-11-07 03:03 [#02588684]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



scared children, she's a threat, she tells me. what if you
had children? wouldn't you be scared?

i am unable to formulate a reply: i am literally thinking,
'the older i get, the less i want to deal with kids. i like
to drink, smoke pot and cigs. i enjoy privacy and free time.
i despise having to censor myself for someone's kids -- fuck
off, they're not mine. church parking lot next door is
always full of screaming kids; obnoxious. i could turn this
all around and say, `what if it was your child dealing with
this situation, wouldn't you push through and keep trying to
help?` but this would get me fuckall and ok she's still
going on'

..."i think you would be scared if you had kids."

all this crap happened when i left him alone at my place
because i had to go to work, during the first few days when
he was really fucking out of it. by the time i had him
calmed down to reality, it was too late, all the previous
incidents had become a coiled snake waiting to strike, and
then his stupid drunk email set everything off

mostly, i am dreading trying to explain this to him. thus
far he's been coping well, but i fear breaking this news. i
fear depression and ennui and if he stops trying now his
current living situation will gradually degenerate and so
will he. augh

i can't move, really, until i've paid off some more debts. i
want to live with him, he always wants to come over, but if
the neighbors call the cops, i could get kicked out. i
rather like it here, was going to just try and renew, but i
dunno if she'll even want me after all this crap (or just
jack up the rent unapologetically). my own life is barely in
order; need more time. and, yes, what if we moved somewhere
and he managed to blow that up too

he means it when he says he'll never do that again, and i
know he tries his best. i can tell he feels awful about what
happened; he's calling me up in tears at 5am worried i don't
love him anymore. i will always, but this situation is
rather complex


 

offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-11-07 08:28 [#02588697]
Points: 5591 Status: Lurker



the whole situation blows, i really feel for you both. him
because i know how hard it is when yr in a delusional state,
you cos there kinda has to be a point where you keep him at
a distance here. it's not gonna help things to lose yr
place, and you don't want to end up resenting him just
because yr landlady lacks empathy

the coke, though... bad news. i'm not one to moralize over
drugs n booze, but it's unlikely to be positive for his
mental state. if you do end up living together i would let
him know that yr keeping it a coke-free zone. by all means
he can go over to drug question lady's place and do it
there, it's his body, but you wanna keep yr house a little
cleaner imo


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-11-07 17:21 [#02588724]
Points: 16104 Status: Regular



LAZY_TITLE my third exactly


 


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