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EpicMegatrax writes more bullshit

offline mohamed from the turtle business on 2019-04-29 17:52 [#02576258]
Points: 31139 Status: Lurker | Followup to umbroman3: #02576248 | Show recordbag

i have a story, i knew a man in palestine who told me the
secret services were the kids, i used to share that view and
still do. i ate into his house and was presented to his
father and to his kids.


offline mohamed from the turtle business on 2019-04-29 17:55 [#02576259]
Points: 31139 Status: Lurker | Show recordbag

kind of easy to picture the rest


offline mohamed from the turtle business on 2019-04-29 17:57 [#02576260]
Points: 31139 Status: Lurker | Followup to mohamed: #02576258 | Show recordbag

wow that makes for 3 generations at once


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-04-30 02:12 [#02576279]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict | Followup to umbroman3: #02576248

Poor lewis and poor you, you seem to have bad luck. Do
you have any good luck stories?

i was actually reflecting on this, on the train, on the way
home. there's so much sad shit around me right now, and i
thought something like, "maybe i was just hiding from all
this back when i was a shut-in."

having friends means you can rely on them when things go
south, but it also means they rely on you when things go

things are not good with lewis, right now. he escaped to
california after fast-talking some guy he hadn't seen...
since high school, i think? into letting him stay. i've
never met him, i've only talked to him twice, but let me
tell you, guy is an absolute saint. "he's wearing tin foil
hats, and, like, fine, but just don't wear them out with me
in public, because i don't want people to think i'm
crazy too" and "he destroyed my $7000 tub, he peeled up the
water sealing," guy says. "why?" i ask? "because he's
crazy!" "no, no, i say.. like, i'm sure he had a reason. and
i'm sure it will make me laugh when i he^H^H^H" didn't say
that last part

on the note of luck, though, lewis does have a knack for
winning scratch tickets more than anyone i've ever known.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-04-30 02:16 [#02576280]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

he also noticed that what clothes lewis wears tends to
directly correspond with how lucid he his. he convinced him
to change outfits, once, and he actually got better for a


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-04-30 02:17 [#02576281]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

i never really appreciate how deeply important it is to have
that fit


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-04-30 02:18 [#02576282]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict



offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-04-30 02:23 [#02576283]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict | Followup to mohamed: #02576258

i have a story, i knew a man in palestine who told me the
secret services were the kids



offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-04-30 02:38 [#02576284]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict | Followup to EpicMegatrax: #02576279

"he's wearing tin foil hats, and, like, fine, but just
don't wear them out with me in public, because i don't want
people to think i'm crazy too"

it's funny, really. there was some quasi-serious thing some
MIT students did for a laugh abouttin foil hats and we'd
actually had discussions about it before. had a laugh. when
he snaps out of it -- and he always does -- he will admit
how nuts it is. but, for now, it's actually a bit of a dark
laugh, that we talked about this silliness and now he's
seriously refusing to go without a tin-foil hat


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-05-04 03:44 [#02576630]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

i am exhausted. things happened rather fast. i get word that
matt is going to be on a plane back, by himself. he calls
me, his mom isn't answering (she probably did and told him
to go to a hospital and he doesn't want to admit this) that
he doesn't want to stay with his ex (he called her too and
she said the same thing) and could he stay there?

yes, ok.

i took stock of the situation. i had work the next day, and
now i can't go. this is awkward... meh... but, then, i
think: you know what, i get to ditch work and hang out with
my best friend all day. it will probably be rough, but
this is fine.

thankfully, he manages to make it through airports and plane
seats and ubers and shows up at my door. he is rather manic.
it is, actually, a lot like babysitting a small child,
except he's an adult, with a phone and uber and credit
cards, and, yeah. usually, he's a normal adult; pretty
together. but about thrice a year, we get a few weeks like

paranoid schizophrenia, well, you're paranoid. he'll
constantly bolt. before he flew out to california, he would
stay with me a bit, feel confined, bolt. stay with someone
else a bit, feel confined, bolt. come back to me. rinse and
repeat. he wasn't quite as bad at that point, but now he's
legit nuts, and i am terrified of him escaping. like owning
a cat that's determined to run out the door at the slightest
hint of an opening; disappear into a snowstorm for two days,
show back up later, looking haggard

so, like six times, he's all "i have to get out of here,
right now" and he's putting on his shoes and i have no idea
what his plan is, if anything.

so, i say, "jesus christ, you're right! we need to get the
fuck out of here right now!" and i put on my shoes too and i
go with him.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-05-04 03:53 [#02576631]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

everyone had just been bothering lewis to go to the
hospital. just, how he was, though, i knew there would be no
convincing him of anything until he was down from defcon 1.
he needed to feel a bit more ok, have a good night's sleep,
yes, then another day of that, then perhaps this weekend
suggesting the hospital might be possible.

so, i thought: i just want to give him a good day. indulge
him in whatever he wants, as long as it's not, like,
ill-advised, dangerous, etc.

it works in the sense that i keep him from escaping, from
getting into trouble, that i get to hang out with my best
buddy all day -- though he's not all there, he's still him,

but he's not coming down. he's spiking. he's doing weird
tense yoga repetitive stuff, and i'm trying to suss it. the
he more or less explains it: he yells "get out of my head"
and pounds his head with both hands.

oh, the voices. they won't shut the fuck up. he's going nuts
because they won't shut the fuck up

most people probably would have flipped out, at least a
little: he's yelling and hitting his head. but, instead, i
thought: i've been here. four straight weeks of
soul-crushing depression back in 2014 or so, and i had a
moment where i was literally punching myself in the head,
saying "work, dammit, work, you stupid piece of shit brain"

so i told him: i've been there. i know exactly how you feel.
you condition is totally different from mine, but, still, i
know how you feel

an hour or two later, he began adamantly demanding to go to
a hospital. i had no argument with this, given that i'd
simply been waiting until he felt better before bringing the
subject up. but, really, i kind of feel like i did the right
thing for reasons i only understand in retrospect: his
condition has a lot to do with control, and the lack of
anyone/anything to rebel against oddly might have pushed him
to rebel against himself. or something

i'm very tired


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-05-04 05:10 [#02576632]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

on one of the three or four walks he required, to, just, get
out of there, he was full of tense energy and punching at
the air. he kept wandering over the curb, into the street.
i'd say "hey, whoa, come back onto the sidewalk!" and he
promptly would. then he would wander again. this situation
repeated itself easily north of a dozen times. so, like, the
walk totally helped him burn off some nervous energy; it was
a terrible idea... but, really, he can't manage it by
himself like he is. he'd be doing air kung fu in the street
and a car would beep at him and he'd either ignore them or
yell and then the police aren't very far away

he also required multiple long baths, and a shower. it gave
me a chance to text concerned friends and family. i was
scared to take out my phone and text in his presence because
he might think i'm doing some nutty conspiratorial thing.
the few times i do text in front of him, i make a point of
narrating aloud what i am doing

i feel relieved he's in the hospital, horrible as that is.
the usual pattern is he'll be there for a week or three,
they'll stabilize him, and he'll be an effectively normal
person for three to six months. it's actually, again,
reminiscent of my moody episodes... not in cause, just
patterns, results. the timing is similar. winter is rough
for us both. i feel like he needs to develop his own set of
strategies to avoid that deep pit. weasels, u noe


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-05-04 05:11 [#02576633]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict | Followup to EpicMegatrax: #02576632

*it _wasn't_ a terrible idea


offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-05-04 09:57 [#02576639]
Points: 6263 Status: Regular

sounds rough but you're a good friend for keeping an eye out
for him. i'm no fan of big pharma but i was fuckin loopy
without meds and i know exactly how distressing voices in yr
head that Won't. Shut. Up can be. does he still dispute his
diagnosis? it took me a good long while to accept mine


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-05-04 16:30 [#02576663]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

the diagnosis, yes. he's accepted it for years. the
consequences, less so. doing things like being "i have to go
to california now" as if he won't have the problems he's
having over there... then, yes, it's promptly worse, he
comes back worse. he already wants to fly off somewhere
random once the psych ward lets him go, and that could be as
early as middle of this week. i can't take much time at
work. every time i've left him alone to go in to work, he's
promptly bolted, ran off somewhere else.

this is mostly when he's symptomatic. there's always a
little of this to his personality -- he'll say things like,
"i need to move to british columbia by 2020!" and you just
think... lol, no, you're not doing that. he'll talk about it
for a few weeks and then he's going back to school instead,
or whatever. but even if his planning is crap, his actions
are fine, the voices are either gone or a background hum
that he can ignore

so, mostly, i'm praying he's significantly more stable by
the time they discharge him, because otherwise he'll likely
escape; possibly get himself into trouble. he's also been
through a lot with this over the last few weeks, and i do
worry about him hurting himself sometimes. saying things
like, "i'm diseased, i need to go, thank you for all your
help, i don't want to infect you" and then telling everyone
else that, too, and i'm scared that one of these times he
runs out the door, he may never come back


offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-05-04 17:25 [#02576664]
Points: 6263 Status: Regular | Followup to EpicMegatrax: #02576663

i can only imagine how worrying that is. i was staying with
my mum and stepdad back in 2011 and left in the middle of
the night with no explanation. it was due to a psychotic
*snap* where everything was suddenly upside down and scary,
but i had the presence of mind to get in touch with some old
friends (a lot harder than it sounds, i'd dismantled my
phone and flushed it down the toilet so i couldn't be
tracked). stayed with them for a couple of weeks then spent
a couple of nights sleeping rough before i got into
shelters, still very paranoid... i only went to hospital
after a free solicitor said pretty much "lol no you can't
sue the security services for harassment, go2doktor"

my point is (i'm trying to not make this post all about me)
he may accept his diagnosis but still be at the mercy of the
voices, and be, like, trying to put on a brave face for
different people. has he explained the "architecture" of his
theories about the voice hearing? cos all you can do is
listen and not judge, i found it incredibly important after
being in hospital for a couple of months to speak to a
community psychiatric nurse who wouldn't just give the
smile-and-nod treatmen

i'm hoping for the best for you both anyway


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-05-04 18:24 [#02576666]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

yes, you've nailed it all. but, really, i'd expect you

in california, he smashed a brand-new phone. then he wrapped
his old phone in tin foil; buried it in the backyard.

we have had hundreds of hours of conversations about his
condition, the voices... in fact, remember when i was a bit
nuts, i dunno, page three this thread and on for a few
months? and i'm writing all this shit about self-programming
using voice commands, how when i hear a voice speaking from
the back of my brain -- not my inner monologue, but the sort
of stabbing interruption from beyond you get sometimes...
like, your inner monologue has been going in a circle,
you're annoyed, and walking the loop starts to energize the
surrounding brain zones and eventually something lights up
with a path out of the loop. i'll stop; i could go on this
all day

my point is, yes, i have a bit of an idea. i've done loads
of acid; i found that fascinating. definitely one of those
people who did it not to party, but to tinker with my brain,
to understand what's going on in there. i remember, once, we
were playing chess, and he said, "i can't believe we're just
having a casual conversation about this; i've never even
been able to explain it to anyone before" and it'd been some
weird psychedelic brainfart i'd had while tripping. he
started trying to fumble and articulate it, and i was all
"oh, yeah, that thing, i know this"

i've also been awake on adderall for three days and began
legitimately hearing voices myself -- but they went away
after i sensibly put myself to bed. before that, though, i
was wandering around a parking lot, because i just needed to
be away from people, and looking behind shipping containers
and checking parked cars because i thought someone was
mocking me

what i need to speak with him more about now is which voices
is he hearing, there seem to be a few distinct entities at


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-05-04 18:38 [#02576669]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

my metaphor is that consciousness is not a yes/no thing;
it's more like the warp integrity field in start trek.
"captain, warp integrity is down to 90%!" then it'll be 80%,
then dire warnings from the engineer, and if it's not the
enterprise, the ship might actually blow at that point

if you're awake for a long time, you start to get weird.
hallucinate. warp integrity is down to 90%.

somehow, lewis gets there much more quickly that others,
particularly when he's stressed. then, obviously, once he's
impacted, his actions wind up causing him more stress, and
eventually he's down to 50% and that's when i worry he'll do
something stupid. that's really a job for the hospital at
that point -- guards, nurses, and people carefully
monitoring him with the right medications.

sleep, though, definitely helps him. he's typically best in
the mornings, worst in the evenings. he came here right from
the airport, at it was 10am. he'd come from california, a
flight, time difference... i have no idea if he'd slept on
the flight, but that's not good sleep anyways. i kept trying
to tell him to take a nap, but he wasn't wound.

he's feeling pent-up and has to bolt, so i suggest we go for
a drive. he agrees. it's raining gently, and i'm playing
boards of canada. i notice he's starting to nod off. i drive
very carefully, quietly, and he falls asleep for a bit.

the range of emotions i was feeling right then is probably
pretty close to what a parent feels driving a newborn around
to get them to sleep

just now, he called me and told me he was taking a nap.


offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-05-04 19:12 [#02576670]
Points: 6263 Status: Regular

yeah that all sounds pretty familiar, i've done a lot of
acid and various speedy chemicals over the years too, for
both fun and self-exploration, and while i don't regret it
in terms of making me a more thoughtful person, it can
certainly lead to, let's say, less than "traditionally
logical" thought processes. i became obsessed with hats,
with different hats for different circumstances.... not
tinfoil-lined but i have considered it, mostly let down by
lack of a sewing kit.

are there any voices he likes, or at least gets along with?
if he's talking back to them, internally or not, he can
maybe try focusing on these as a bulwark against voices that
are frightening or angry. i still hear from voices now once
in awhile but we get along fine, i've come to like em and
they're helpful, not intrusive


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-05-04 20:02 [#02576676]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

i'm chatting with myself all day. that's actually key in my
trouble falling asleep -- i'll just chatter with myself for
two hours. note i'm doing it, shut myself up. a minute later
i'm off into it again

if i slip into a pit of depression, well, all the chatter is
absolutely dire. just marinating me in the horrible things

at some point, deep in this thread, i realized, when my
brain yells something from the back -- external to
chattering with myself -- that, if i asked myself, i could
often hear an author. "that's my mom's voice," or "that's
something my dad would say, how he would have said it" or
"that's neal stephenson's writing" but sometimes also
"that's something i wrote on xltronic" or "that's an archer
joke" and gradually we jump the gap into me chattering with
myself. like i've always said, we're just ground up pieces
of lots of other people.

so i feel like a schizophrenic-class voice could be traced
back to a single person, in some cases, like a parent,
that's very deep in there. it could also be a collage, three
people you know who are all similar. just different people
all coloring it. then, i suppose, it could be
self-generated, chattering with yourself in a state, losing
track of it and forgetting, but it lives

yeah. this part is very much what i'm trying to understand
right now


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-05-05 20:34 [#02576726]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

this is freaking crazy. all nuts

it's like some strange, multi-dimensional chess game
involving my best friend, family dynamics

there was a bit of a scare because lewis's wallet was MIA,
and, well, it sucks to lose your wallet. his mom tracked the
wallet to the ER where we'd dropped him off; it hadn't mate
it with in the transfer to the psych ward. i wash some of
his clothes, pack them up in bags with a jigsaw puzzle of
that van gogh painting of a cafe, and the book "the origin
of conscious in the breakdown of the bicameral mind" by
julian jaynes. initially, i was going to give him one of my
favorite comp sci textbooks, but on the phone, he requested
he wanted to get away from technology. the book i selected
is all about hearing voices, some weird psychological
theory. this book has been name dropped in westword and neal
stephenson novels and more. recommended. and it had nothing
to do with technology. i told him a bit and he said it was

we get there, and he's pretty sedated. security c0d3z
require that he can't hang on to the wallet. i can, or i can
give it to the psych ward to stow with his phone and keys
and all that. he starts talking about his domain name
registration, he needs to do that. i say, "can i just do it
for you?" he says "ok" and then we chat for a while before
being kicked out due to end of visiting hours.

then his sister and i were chatting, and she says, "let's
find a bar" and this is my language. she's stressing because
it's saturday night and it's all busy. i point to a hotel
across the street and say "that'll have a bar"

and this is a pro tip. hotel bars are a bit pricey, but
always deserted. i'd chatted with her a bit, as she'd often
been the one to help lewis pack up when we'd been roommates
and the situation had collapsed... but, this was properly
hanging out for a bit, having a few beers. it's nice this
situation is at least making everyone some new friends


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-05-05 20:38 [#02576727]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

but, the chess game. lewis is being incredibly shady and
manipulative right now. he wants his credit card number,
hassling me over the phone all today. trying anything to get
me to give it to him. i'm more or less scared he's going to
buy a plane ticket once he gets his moneys in order and i
won't ever see him again, because he's still pretty out of
it. he's saying he wants the card to register a domain name,
which he does need, but i worry this is a smokescreen for a
plan to get a plane ticket. i more or less confronted him
about it; tired of playing games. i worried that bringing it
up might make it more likely; sort of a bit of brinksmanship
involved there. weirdly, he essentially said, "by saying
that, you've made it more likely"

it's starting to feel like an oppossitional-defiant hall of
mirrors in here, and i'm upset. i hung up on him. i need to
chill out and think of something else for a bit


offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-05-05 21:08 [#02576729]
Points: 6263 Status: Regular

it can feel pretty oppressive in places like that, i'm wary
of saying too much without knowing him or his current state
but it sounds like he's trying to reassert some control in a
situation where he's had it taken away. i wouldn't take it
personally man, paranoid schizophrenia has a tendency to
make you pretty squirrelly and defensive


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-05-05 21:17 [#02576730]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

that's it, i'm torn between giving him what he wants and
giving him a chance to get into trouble, and as such, i am
forced to be controlling, and with this condition, it is
intolerable. it's almost intolerable for me, too. i shut my
phone off. strategically, everyone needs to feel my absence
for a good chunk of today as i sort out the mess


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-05-06 00:44 [#02576752]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

part of it feels like patching up family things like a
modular synth, actually using my family's modules. so
complex and personal. i give up writing it


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-05-07 03:23 [#02576844]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

in the end i decided it was best to follow through on what
i'd said. i brought him his wallet, thinking, "it is in
manos, the hands of fate." i'll tell him i brought it, turn
it over to security, and let them handle it how they may. it
is, after all, their ship... and it is, after all, his

he will get out of the psych ward on wednesday, or thursday.
i've already spoke with work about a potential absence,
which i said i would like to avoid -- and i'm not kidding.
it would still be nice if he saw it fit to stay to the
weekend... not, like, just for mental health, but actually
because then i don't have to take time off work. it's also
possible someone else can take thursday and/or friday for

but, yeah, that leads into the only fucking plan i've been
able to come up with: the people helping him out band
together to create a pool of places he can stay. whenever
he's freaking out; feels the need to run, he can just go any
one of three or four places, and still be somewhere safe.

it could work. it may be enough support to keep him from
buying a plane ticket back to california... but, it's
totally temporary. everyone involved has their own life
concerns, and this is sort of a hack patch to buy us time to
find him a proper apartment or whatever.

the psych ward is way too warm and i began to feel nauseous
after a while from it! suspect they do that to make everyone


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-05-07 04:55 [#02576845]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

also thanks very much to belb for replying to all this. any
advice you have is welcome. i don't want to lose my best


offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-05-07 08:22 [#02576847]
Points: 6263 Status: Regular

sounds like a decent plan, and i think you've done the right
thing with the wallet. the last thing you need is for him to
lump you in with a big-T Them (whoever is the focus of his
paranoia) when you're just trying to look out for him. the
hospital will likely be in control of his money while he's
in there and i can see that being less than acceptable to
him, but hopefully he'll have this temporary network of safe
places when he gets out so he won't need to buy a plane
ticket. all i can say is try not to infantilize him cos
it'll only set you up as opposition (or big-I Infiltated if
my delusions are anything to go by). ultimately though, even
if he does a bunk you want him to feel like there's someone
in his corner, even if you can't physically keep him safe
100% of the time


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-05-08 02:07 [#02576892]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

yeah, that's what i thought. i repeatedly have to back
myself down from doing that sort of thing. like, today. he
says "i'll be out at like 11am tomorrow" and i've arranged
for thurs/fri off work, but, tomorrow, well, he's going to
be on his own for a few hours. it makes me rather nervous,
but, yeah, if i got on him about staying another day he'd
just put me on his list of unsavory types.

or not, but i still don't think he can be talked into even
waiting until i get out of work. it's lucky, really, but the
hospital is a fifteen-minute walk to work and so i've just
been walking over to see him after work. if he waited, he
could just take the train home with me after, but, no he
wants out, and i do not blame him in the slightest. the
psych ward is way too warm, it seems incredibly tedious, and
they control all aspects of your life. i'm not
schizophrenic, and i would be clamoring to get out of there
after a few days myself

but, really, i get the sense he'll be OK. he's been better
each day i've seen him, and today there was no sort of coy
game-playing. like, he was talking about going back to cali
yesterday, and i just sort of sighed and said... "ugh...
please don't." he replied, "don't you know i'll just do the
opposite of whatever you tell me?" with a sort of coy,
trolly smile. "uhhhh. go to california?" i say. "oh, that's
a great idea," he replies.

today, there was not any of that. instead, when i got there,
he's on the phone with his bank, trying to mop up some of
the mess he made when he was total fruit loops. he has a
list of errands he wants to run while i'm at work, including
going to the bank to continue sorting things out. i worry
that one of his stops will be the weed dispensary (if he
goes nuts on weed again he'll be much harder to handle) but
i am not hugely concerned he will simply abscond.

so, yes, best to just bite my lip and let him. it will
probably feel nice to be totally on his own for a bit after
the ward


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-05-08 02:12 [#02576893]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

oh, yes, this:

all the pens in the psych ward are bendy. as i signed the
logbook, i told the nurse, "i know why they do this, but,
jeez, writing with this is tough."

"i know," she replies, "it's like writing with a wet

i didn't tell her that i really, really knew why the pens
were bendy.

i mentioned the pens to lewis, and he promptly pulled out
his modified pen. he'd snapped the end off of a crayola
marker and shoved the limp pen into the plastic shell to
make a proper pen.

"it's the only way you can write with it!" he says. he
wasn't wrong.

"yeah," i say, "but i also get it. when i'm faced with
something like that, i have the urge to find away around...
hack the system..."

he feels the same way. it wasn't just that he wanted the
pen, it was an act of defiance against the restrictions of
the system he's in, and i have that same streak to my

then i told him your pen story. "oh, that doesn't work," he

thank god it doesn't.

how're you doing off the end of that, by the way? motor
control better?


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-05-08 05:44 [#02576908]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

thx again belb. i feel like i was more or less on the mark,
but it made me feel much better hearing the same thing from
someone else on the inside. that i'm worried about the guy's
life; makes it question how objective my answers are. i may
be a hardcore engineer of a nerd, but i am still human


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-05-08 05:48 [#02576909]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

i do stress how much to play the game when he's symptomatic.
playing chess, he was no slouch, even when he was
symptomatic. in fact, i feel like i should run out and buy
one before he gets here.... i could beat him 3/4 of the
time, but i do feel like avoiding games entirely out of fear
of the remaining 1/4.


offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-05-08 07:16 [#02576910]
Points: 6263 Status: Regular

no worries! i'm glad to talk it through with you man, if
some good can come from my being in here all the better. and
i'm doing much better personally, my own pen experience
seems a long time ago now. actually posting at xlt has
sharpened up my fine motor skills more than any therapy

re: the heat, i'm sure they do keep it turned up
intentionally... it's like that scene in the wire season 4
where the teacher admits to doing that ťhat to make the
kids in her class drowsy

re; weed, oddly enouvh i had my first small spliff in 2
years last night and i forgot how much i liked it. made
listening to run the jewels' last album pretty amazing, i
"got" a lot more of the lyrics and ended up discussing them
with my internal voices. i'm sure the reason so many
schizophrenics smoke weed is it makes the tenor of their
voice hearing much nicer, something to engage with not blot

hoping for the best for you both today


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-06-16 04:51 [#02580245]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

i am rather worried about lewis. he got -- as his mom put it
-- "a small job" at a deli. he has not been speaking to me,
but his mom, his ex-girlfriend, and his sister all text me,
reliably, when they are freaking out. his sister is
currently on vacation in norway, though, and she was his
current most solid link to the rest of humanity. she tried
to reschedule it; coulnd't. decided to just go. i approved

but now lewis is missing again. apparently, he was asked to
leave work early for the day -- aka probably fired -- and if
he wasn't fired for being symptomatic, being fired probably
shoved him over into symptomatic.

no one has been able to get in touch with him for a few
days, now. his phone is.... off? broken? unpaid? no one

one of my cow orkers is a born again christian. he said he
was praying for lewis, a day or three after i told him some
of this. i'm not a christian, but, i pray he is still alive.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-06-16 05:07 [#02580246]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

no, it was "a little job." lewis has always loved the word
little. the littlest ____ was a very common turn of phrase
out of him. i do need to clarify that it was not small, it
was little


offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-06-16 05:46 [#02580248]
Points: 6263 Status: Regular

at a guess (and it is only a guess, i'm going off my
symptoms really) he is without phone, or keeping it
batteryless so he can't be tracked by Them, whoever They
are. it's worrying as fuck for his loved ones but my
thinking is that he'll resurface in time. unless he's gone
fully out into the wilderness he's still going to be around
people. i mean even if he's living rough and believing wacky
shit he'll need to eat and sleep somewhere, and if he's not
on the street it could be in a homeless shelter, that's
where i ended up.

have you considered filing a missing persons report? the
police can't give details of his whereabouts if he's
determined to get away from his family and yrself but they
can let you know he's safe (i think he has to give consent
for this too but the police will pressure him to)


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-06-16 06:03 [#02580249]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict | Followup to belb: #02580248

yes, that has been a reliable pattern. if you recall,
earlier in this thread, i described him smashing up a
brand-new cellphone because of spyware; burying his old
cellphone in tinfoil in the garden

the difference this time is his dwindling options. he was
due to show up at a motel after being likely fired, and did
not show. i really have no idea what the configuration was,
but somehow, the motel essentially told his mom he didn't
show up, and his mom texted me, asking if i had a clue --
and, no, the last i spoke with him was for about thirty
seconds when he answered the phone without realizing who was
calling. i was like... we need to talk, sometime soon. "i
don't know maaaayybbee he says; then initiates the
social function call; i have to go; bye.

he's said things, though. he told his mom he wanted to be
euthanized. he sent most everyone involved -- though not me,
actually -- text messages that were interpreted as
worryingly close to suicidal: i'm diseased, stay away from
me, i don't want to hurt you anymore

so, yeah. his phone is off, he didn't show up where he was
supposed to sleep, he got fired, he's out of his head, and


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-06-16 06:12 [#02580250]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

one of my cow orkers is a born again christian. he's a very
nice guy. solidly does his job. listens to classical music.
over lunch, here and there, i told him about lewis. a week
or three later, he came by, kind of seeming awkward, and
said: i don't want to make you feel weird or anything, but
i'm praying for lewis. i thought it was very sweet, really,
and i told him i deeply appreciated it.

just now, i slacked him asking him to pray for lewis.


offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-06-16 06:45 [#02580251]
Points: 6263 Status: Regular

i just chatted to one of the most clued-up nurses here about
yr situation (no names used etc) and he thinks the same as
me, you should report him missing. if he's a danger to
himself, and it sounds like he maybe is, you don't need to
wait 24 hours like on tv. at least the police can put some
feelers out, they do this quite a lot. i would guess that
you don't want to alienate him by getting in touch with the
cops, and when they came looking for me after i did a bunk
in the night i politely told them to buzz off, but they have
the manpower and experience of finding people. you'll have
done something proactive and once he's back on medication
for lomg enough he will understand, as squirrelly as he is


offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-06-16 06:49 [#02580252]
Points: 6263 Status: Regular

how does yr insurance / medical system deal with cases like
this, btw? i feel like our national health service has saved
my life quite literally, us brits are absurdly privileged to
have it. will be thinking of you two


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-06-16 23:28 [#02580304]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

i just texted his mom and he had actually called her two
days ago; i feel relieved. it was the thing with his phone
being off the hook and not showing up where he was supposed
to sleep, then days of silence. combined with the comments,
i worried getting canned from his deli job would send him
off down a dark road. but his mom said he was at some
campfire and seemed incoherent, but happy. i have a decent
level of faith in his ability to survive; i was just worried
he didn't want to any more. now it seems like he does still
want to survive, and as such, i won't be troubling the


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-06-17 02:52 [#02580310]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict | Followup to belb: #02580252

how does yr insurance / medical system deal with cases
like this, btw? i feel like our national health service has
saved my life quite literally, us brits are absurdly
privileged to have it. will be thinking of you two

not very well. the past few times, he's checked himself in
voluntarily ("something's eating my brain and i need an MRI
right. fucking. now") and in this case they can only retain
him for 72 hours, except, a weekend or holiday resets the
counter. he's managed to land it so he's been stuck there
for about five days, due to that contingency. generally, he
is stir-crazy and wanting to escape after about 36 hours.
deeply resents being imprisoned. they're not giving him the
MRI to scan for things eating his brain. this is bullshit

so he's out of there as soon as they let him, and then it's
on to a poorly-thot plan of abstract dfjglkdfg.

if he's there voluntarily -- e.g. picked up for being weird,
as opposed to setting things on fire or something -- there's
that mechanical timeline. for him to be there longer, courts
have to be involved. the courts work in the resolution of
weeks: if a court says you need to stay, it'll be two weeks,
three weeks. they will actually try to leverage that,
sometimes: if you don't voluntarily stay for another three
days, we will get a court order, and hold you here for three
weeks. but after a few rounds repeat patients, like lewis,
tend to get wise to this, and tell them to fuck the fuck
off. a part of me respects this; i'd do the same thing if
someone tried to sell me like that

meanwhile, thanks to the state, he has health insurance. if
he didn't, i have no idea what the fuck would happen.

there is one thing i should add -- every time i've visited
him in the hospital, well, it's weird, but at least the
basic facilities always seem fine, decent, etc.


offline belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-06-17 03:29 [#02580311]
Points: 6263 Status: Regular

you know him better than i do dude, if incoherent but happy
is the best yr gonna get then i'm glad he's happy at least.
i've had some very positive voice hearing experiences in the
past - outweighed by the negative admittedly but my point is
at least his are playing ball. he'll gonna be unpredictable,
yeah but as lonhg as you get him to check in and he's not a
danger to anyone there's, like you say, not much you can do.
maybe he does just want someone to blow off steam to


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-06-17 04:02 [#02580312]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

oh, well, it's like... i was worried he was dead or
something, given the patterns. i actually sent him a text
telling him to his mom was worried and send a text because
she might file a police report and i know you do not want to
deal with that shit again. who knows if it was me, but the
timeline about fits that he called his mom a bit after that
and now it's been two more days of incommunicado. but that
overall arc does make me feel a bit relieved, yes

it's funny. when i sent that text, i did not expect i'd be
wound up enough about it later to be weighing suggesting his
mom actually file a report. there is a strange sort of music
to the terrible anxiety of this all


offline mermaidman on 2019-06-17 12:10 [#02580314]
Points: 8080 Status: Addict

i have another epicmegatrax writes more bullshit song theme
this is more laidback gangter type of thing LAZY_TITLE
the lyrics i think should be


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-07-18 23:19 [#02582613]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

so i rambled into the idea of notions somewhere,
buried in this thread, and i had one just now.

i've been working at home today, and, half past five, i
decide i want to call it a day and walk to the bar around
the corner; have a zig on the way.

i get outside, and i'm walking by my car.... "drive."
the back of my brain says.

i full-stop and ponder this. why should i drive? it makes no
sense... there are any number of good reasons to walk: it's
less than a five minute walk. it's not even enough time to
smoke a zig, if i drive. i'm going to be drinking beer. if i
don't drive, i can have more beer. if i'm going to have beer
and a zig, i may as well at least work ten minutes of
walking into the equation

then i look up at the sky. clouds. "oh, yeah, i guess it
could rain," i think. there's something else nagging, but
this is good enough for me. still standing in the spot i
halted -- next to the car door -- i unlock the car and go.

as i'm backing out of the driveway, one of the other tenants
is fussing around with something in front of her door. if
i'd kept walking, i might have had to stand there and talk a
bit. this is fine, really, but i'd been pushing to finish
some work and i was really jonesing for a zig.

"good thing i didn't walk," i think.

i arrive at the bar. i smoke a zig in the parking lot. i go
up to the bar's airlock and peer inside: it is packed. never
mind sitting at the bar; there are already people standing

i think: "yeah, that's actually why i was screaming at
myself not to walk." i know this place, they know me, and
i've been there enough that i should have realized it could
be packed

next time, all that will be a bit more conscious. should you
get a notion, and find it to be correct, i recommend trying
to suss out where it came from. try to set up a feedback
loop between notions and logic


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-07-18 23:33 [#02582614]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

grocery lists ~

if i have lots of things to get, i will go ahead and write
up a grocery list. if it's just one or two things, well,
i'll just remember them. if it's somewhere in between, there
is another option: visualization.

i will go through everything i want to get, visualize where
it is in the store, visualize myself picking it up. then,
when i get to the store, i can be zoning out, thinking about
notions and weasels, and my body will just sort of grab all
the things. without the visualization, i will miss things --
even if i'm actually paying attention, which i am often

metaprogramming iz fun


offline Hyperflake from Wirral (United Kingdom) on 2019-07-18 23:52 [#02582615]
Points: 30772 Status: Regular

you should probably publish this thread as a book


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-07-19 00:16 [#02582616]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

i did the visualization thing just now, and i missed one. i
went back to try and understand why, and it was obvious: i
just visualized putting it into the basket; i didn't
visualize where it was. then i realized i didn't know
precisely where it was. this is not insurmountable; i just
have to visualize myself finding it before putting it into
the basket.

unless you are very pedantic and do everything thoroughly,
it doesn't work. takes a certain level of discipline. a good
memory helps -- like, i just sort of soak up where
everything is very quickly -- but it only helps because just
visualizing where it is, is slightly quicker, more sticky,
than visualizing finding it.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-07-19 00:18 [#02582617]
Points: 24457 Status: Addict

also somewhere, buried in this thread, i realized it's
impossible to do this all up in a linearly -- because, yes,
i did think about a book. i realized it's best presented as
hyperlinks: instead of stopping to explain notions, i can
just link the explanation in the middle of sentence without
disrupting the thought. like i did above. so, yes,
weaselpedia is me extracting some of the better bits from
this thread, cleaning them up, and beginning to stitch them
together into a tapestry of linked articles. work keeps me
busy, though, and i just sort of pick at it here and there


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