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EpicMegatrax writes more bullshit

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-11-07 17:24 [#02588725]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict | Followup to belb: #02588697

Oh, absolutely I told him you're fine, just do not keep
doing it because I don't want you to get sucked into that
and he agreed. If he's staying with me, I don't do coke, and
he wouldn't care enough to score it on his own. Worry is
more about it simply being around where he's living and


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-11-20 03:06 [#02589508]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

many years ago, one of my first times trying acid, i
commented, "i feel like i've just put my brain into debug
mode." analyzing my analyzing. then analyzing how i'm
analyzing anlyzing; i analyze everything, even this, i'm
analyzing it right now -- then, some giggles. i'm so
ridiculous. it's hilarious. who do i think i am?

there was, however, an odd, almost forceful sleepiness to
it. just washes of sensory input, lulling you into a snooze.
perhaps that's the serotonin aspect

never tried dmt. but am admittedly curious


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-11-26 02:17 [#02590126]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

why do we hiccup? perhaps

In a study led by University College London (UCL),
researchers monitoring 13 newborn babies found that
hiccupping triggered a large wave of brain signals which
could aid their development.
Lorenzo Fabrizi, the study's senior author, said in a
statement that this brain activity might help babies "to
learn how to monitor the breathing muscles," eventually
leading to an ability to control breathing voluntarily.
He added: "When we are born, the circuits which process body
sensations are not fully developed, so the establishment of
such networks is a crucial developmental milestone for


the implications of this are staggering: perhaps, hiccups
are a calibration mechanism to teach you to breathe
. in particular, i think about meditation
technices, aaauuumm, chanting, breathing, and how much it
could be like hiccups, a calibration/mapping mechanism

so to, yoga asana, form and pose


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-11-28 00:08 [#02590258]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict


A lifelong swimmer leapt into deep water near his
lakeside home, and was horrified to find himself completely
unable to swim. Had his wife not rescued him, he might have

He had recently received an electronic brain implant to
control tremors and other symptoms of Parkinson’s disease,
and somehow the signals from the device had knocked out his
ability to coordinate his arms and legs for swimming.

He was one of nine patients, all good swimmers despite
having Parkinson’s, who had the same strange, dangerous
side effect from deep brain stimulators.

Three of them tried turning off the stimulators, and
immediately could swim again, according to an article in the
journal Neurology by a medical team from the University of

this is fascinating to me. the way movement feels when
you're in the water is totally different from plodding
around the earth, perhaps that has something to do with it?

or perhaps it's interfering with learned physical patterns
somehow, as the article also says

Dr. Baumann said that the patient who jumped into Lake
Lucerne never swam again, but that several others did not
want to give up swimming and were taking lessons to learn
all over again.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-12-03 01:56 [#02590693]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

sometimes, it is rather murky as to how much lewis is to
blame for some mishap. he left the door unlocked, but the
owner of the condo was there, and the overdose son's former
girlfriend said hello to drug question lady, smoked some of
lewis's weed with lewis, then stole drug question lady's
phone along with lewis's wallet.

or was drug question lady there? did lewis just let him in,
and half-fabricate this? it is not clear. his story varies
from time2time, and i get the sense that perhaps she was
not. in any case, drug question lady tracks down the
crackhed that has her phone, and it's some scam like, "well
i paid $50 for this and i have to get my money back" and she
shoves him and the phone breaks but at least she can
exchange it now. she is a waif of an old woman and even vs.
a waif of a crackhead that kind of impressed me

but, meanwhile, lewis's wallet is gone. he promptly
cancelled all his cards, but he's a mess getting
replacements in order. tried to get him to go to the bank or
dmv friday, nope. but i suppose if i were in his shoes i'd
be all "fuck it" too


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-12-03 01:57 [#02590694]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

i guess if her phone was there, why wouldn't she be there
too? and, while lewis left the door unlocked, drug question
lady's lack of protest lets him off the hook? or perhaps she
was out cold and it was lewis's fault for assuming this
bitch was legit


online belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-12-03 02:35 [#02590699]
Points: 6276 Status: Regular

sounds like chaos, i'm not sure i follow 100% but it sounds
like lewis is getting his ass exploited by somebody in this
mess. everything and everyone is a hustle to crackheads,
deeply lame drug


online belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-12-03 02:38 [#02590700]
Points: 6276 Status: Regular

but also that he's not being straight with you, tbh.
nobody's coming out of this very well


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-12-09 01:44 [#02591286]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

current status: somewhere between glum and stressed.

i am doing loads of laundry on sunday night because i know
this week will exhaust me. last week there was snow and i
was all "go on then" and so my car is an ice sculpture all
week. saturday, i spend an hour chiseling it off, moving it,
cleaning the driveway, chiseling some more. the steps to my
apartment are solid ice. the week before last week, i had a
terrible flu.

this week, the weather is going to be shit. getting to and
from work is going to really suck.

the company i work for got acquired about a year ago. they
cut some of the sales team but also hired more people for
other things. nothing dramamtic. the water-cooler experts,
however, have it that at the one-year mark, well, that's
typically when things get dramatic. the first year, they're
just figuring out what they have. the second year, action.

so, after this week, there's a meeting for that, next week.
the people in charge are generally nice and i doubt we'll
get broadsided but there still might be a "we're closing
your office, if you want to keep your job past six months
you will have to move" or something like that. or maybe just
random budget cuts. or maybe nothing at all. we'll see, next

lewis is not doing well, and i am worried about him.

i asked my mom for an electric razor for christmas and now
she's badgering me to research it for her. my car is a
shitbucket and something may break soon. i am still paying
off my taxes

woo. fucking. hoo


online belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-12-09 01:57 [#02591287]
Points: 6276 Status: Regular

hoping 4 less glessed / strum times 4 u man


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-12-09 02:05 [#02591288]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

all these beautiful ideas i am too busy/drained to get to,
like a fake autechre EP called "Hostile Architecture" or
herpaps stylized as Hastaelrqtectr or somethin

thanks belb


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-12-09 02:05 [#02591289]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict


missed it


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-12-09 02:07 [#02591290]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

dancing in the Hastaelrqtexqlic


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-12-11 05:10 [#02591350]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

[word to be determined] ~ the fear of knowing attempting to
analyze an ongoing mechanism will disrupt its chances of
success weighed against the reality that not analyzing the
potential outcomes will be like the world's most itchy
mosquito bite


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-12-11 05:16 [#02591351]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

[???] ~ weighing the knowledge that attempting to analyze an
ongoing mechanism will disrupt its chances of success vs.
the mosquito itch of not thinking about it

better once we've applied the fractollapse networks.


offline mermaidman on 2019-12-11 08:15 [#02591356]
Points: 8148 Status: Regular

the fear of ANALyze


offline mermaidman on 2019-12-11 08:17 [#02591357]
Points: 8148 Status: Regular

i analyzed your post and that’s what you are trying to say


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-12-17 02:34 [#02591679]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict | Followup to EpicMegatrax: #02591286

current status: somewhere between crabby and effective.

the monday meeting got delayed until wednesday. through more
intelligence-gathering efforts, apparently, it's mostly
gonna be about sales, or something... but, still, the
gnawing questions remain about what the fuck they're gonna
do, if anything.

next, just byzantine shit. we have a contract with some data
provider and the company that bought us does too but their
contract is their contract and our contract is ours and we
can't power "solutions" on their platform with data from our
contract, we have to use data from their contract, even
though the data is identical. so we have to wait for them to
build a system to consume the data and then develop the
ability to spew it back at us and then we have to develop
the mechanisms to absorb it. and we are ingesting this crap
already, just fine, but the people in suits are very
territoriality pissy and so we have to do weeks of work for
zero technical reason

then, the icing on the cake, i get another ~required
training course~ about sexual harassment. like, yeah, you
don't have enough of this one-size-fits-all corporate
horseshit in your day yet, let's drop an hour watching a
condescending presentation with an obnoxious multiple-choice

they're all condescending. the one about how not to get
phished, i let it play offscreen, with the sound off, and
then just answered the questions. the video was high-test
isometric diagrams and some obnoxiously perky female
host/narrator. i am going to do my best to neither see nor
hear the video on harassment, because i don't need it to
answer the stupid goddamn questions. just give me my test
~certificate~ and let me get back to work

between all this and the train, perhaps i should dust off my


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-12-17 03:07 [#02591680]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

lewis is doing the thing where he ghosts everyone. i called
drug question lady's boyfriend and he yelled for lewis and i
heard his voice for a bit but then when he was handed the
phone he just hung up immediately.

he's done this to me multiple times before, along with
pretty much his whole family. the first couple times
absolutely destroyed me; i felt like he was gone forever.
however, he's always come back. meanwhile, though, i worry.
he's clearly in a bad place. this time, actually, is the
first where i've had someone i can call and essentially
verify that he is alive. i'm trying to keep it to one a week
to not wear that line out

the general arc ~ sadness, panic, then worry, then more
panic, then anger when panic-induced reactions fail to
change things, then love, then i try calling him and
nothing, then anger, then depression. then i have a good
sleep but still wake up a bit angry; hang on to it quietly.
then i'm out having a smoke when i'd usually give him a call
and i miss him terribly.

one key insight was learning to remind myself not to take it
personal, even though it's all very personal. it's not me,
it's not him, it's his mental health issues. that he's done
this a few times before, yet he's always come back to me in
the end.

and that is the point of clarity: having been through many
rounds of this, phases that previously consumed me for
months flicker in and out. it's almost like tying my
shoelaces; so familiar i've become impatient with it. right
to the end, where it's just this: he's my best friend and i
miss him.

perhaps it was a bit cornball, but the last thing i texted
him was a photo of a bar we both go to sometimes with the
caption "wish you were here"


online belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-12-17 09:09 [#02591681]
Points: 6276 Status: Regular

you've got the right idea not to force the issue with him, i
think. it must be hard having your best friend skip in and
out of yr life when yr so close though. the situation with
drug question lady and her boyfriend sounds a bit unstable
unfortunately but if he needs you i think he'll come back
around in time. once a week just checking in and keeping
lines of communication open is all you can do for now. like
you say, it's the illness, not him, and not you


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-12-27 22:15 [#02592232]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

mental health care is so incredibly fucked in america.

he stopped talking to me because he was certain i'd been
replaced by someone else. meanwhile, though, he got carted
off for a three-day stay at the mental hospital, and when he
got back, they demanded he leave, or something, and he
claimed his stuff had been ransacked, but it could have been

so they bring him to a homeless shelter that they'd called
ahead to and the homeless shelter is oh "uhhh sorry" and
here's a bus ticket to boston, an hour away. lewis promptly
says "yeah, fuck that" and finally calls me.

now i'm listening to him trying to find another place to
stay and the housing assistance people are like "you make
too much money to get assistance" and he only gets that
income because of disability.

meanwhile, lewis is not supposed to be staying with me. he
caused some incidents, and i worry if my landlady -- or
anyone else -- sees him, i'm fucked. his mum and sister will
only host him if he gets an injection of abilify, and he is
of the position that he would rather go to a homeless
shelter. i respect his independence, but, ugh


online belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-12-27 23:48 [#02592248]
Points: 6276 Status: Regular

never been prescribed abilify but a quick glance at the wiki
tells me there's better drugs. i guess everyone's different
and he might not want to get into some drug bargaining /
arguing thing with doctors but if he's had a bad reaction to
abilify before maybe the doctor would listen. personally
flupenthixol fortnightly injections and daily olanzapine has
given me my rationality back, though the weight gain kinda
sux. worth it though. is it all medication he's opposed to
or just the abilify shots? btw, i know it's easy for the
mentally ill to become homeless in america but it's still
shocking to hear. i've been so lucky with the nhs


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-12-28 21:21 [#02592262]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

i read your post to him. he's never heard of flupenthixol;
apparently it's not available in the us. olanzpine, well,
let's just say that was not a positive reaction


online belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-12-28 22:02 [#02592273]
Points: 6276 Status: Regular

yeah i can imagine, i don't think there really is a magic
bullet for schizophrenia, i wish there was, believe me. he
could talk to the docs about procyclidine maybe, that takes
care of some of the nastier side effects of antipsychotics.
hoping for better times for you both


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-12-29 21:39 [#02592297]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict


Whenever you organize people into a group you instantly
create two forces on any individual member of that group.
One is their stake in the outcome of the project that
they're working on. And the other is the perks of rank
within the hierarchy. So if you're a two-person group, let's
say each person has 50 percent stake in the outcome. Whether
you call A, or B, the captain, and the co-captain, is
irrelevant. If the project works, everybody is happy, and if
it fails, they're depressed and unemployed. With four
people, you're now at 25 percent stake. You're probably
going to have a team captain and three team members, but it
still doesn't matter very much.

But when you've a hundred people, your stake becomes, let's
say, 1 percent. You can't have one person with 99 people
reporting to them. That just doesn't work. So you have one
CEO, five VPs, 25 SVPs, and the rest are the associates or
worker bees. Now, if your stake is 1 percent, what’s your
reward for getting promoted? It's probably more than 1
percent. All of a sudden we've had a shift. Somewhere
between four and a hundred, there is a shift in balance
between these two forces.

That's the phase transition. That's the qualitative aspect.
You can write down what that looks like more mathematically,
with realistic incentives. You get cash: that's how much
your base salary goes up in the hierarchy. And you get
equity. That's your stake. You write those two terms down,
and then you see what the break even point is, where the
derivative is zero. That gives you the equivalent of the
critical point. It also tells you what controls that size.
Those are the dials that you can adjust.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-01-25 02:48 [#02593808]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

somewhere in here, i've written about being dragged to phd
of psychiatry therapist whatever and i'd be given
personality tests.

with the MBPT, i'm probably an INTP. more interesting is the
MMPI -- or, at least, that's what i suspect it was. it would
ask me the same question multiple times. "ah," i thot,
"they're just trying to see if i'm consistent." appreciating
them wanting valid results, i did my best to answer

then i got to one question: do you ever have the urge to
do something shocking?

i thot: oh, yes, i know what they mean. having a bizarre
urge to tear off all my clothes in latin class and wave my
dick around, then being mortified in response to the urge.
but it was something that had happened, oh, maybe a few
dozen times, and, no, test, this is not what my problem is.
appreciating them wanting valid results, i checked "strongly
no" and then again when a similar question came up. i
thought the doctor crap was annoying and stupid, sure, but
my parents took it seriously and for my own interests i'd be
best off squinting through the test trickery and admitting
to my actual problems like depression, anxiety

but that thing about stabbing urges has stuck with me,
because it's a bit of an unsolved puzzle: the fuck is that,
anyways? why, brain?

my current theory -- best i can do for now -- is that one
walks about life restraining all sorts of urges, like not
reacting when a person on the train is being a complete
asshole. over time, this fills up a bucket, and sometimes,
something deep in your brain rebels, firing off an urge that
is a childish bolt of insolence against any sort of societal

but, recently, i have been meditating a bit more regularly,
and i've felt more of this sort of thing. it's paradoxical,
since i've felt calmer, more focused, and miles less
irritable. so, now, i also suspect these neurons are always
firing about, but in healthy people, the conscious mind
never hears about it


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-01-25 02:48 [#02593809]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict



offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-01-25 02:59 [#02593810]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

yeh dat's mi 2 n mbTi


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-01-28 04:50 [#02593943]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict | Followup to EpicMegatrax: #02503339

this popped into my hed just now
out of all the crap i've written on here,
this is top ten favorite bits

if squarepusher is to ever to un-reverse-tube-sock, he
needs to stop playing simulations with himself all day and
get a live funk band. coathangar hed band, led helmet
band... man, get hand bands banned so they don't get out of
hand. on the other out of hand, this joke got out of my head
as many mines were simulated out of my butt that i realized
that squarepusher is the joke. so far gone up his own butt
he's come out the other side and realized: shit, i'm the
joke, let's go with it. hug it and see what it likes for
lunch. simulate bands so more squarepusher jokes will
self-organize on forums and explain to me exactly what's so
funny about myself. i take my music career very seriously
and i don't understand the rude comments, guys


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-02-20 03:25 [#02595467]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

lewis called me monday nite in a panic. i was a bit put off,
because i'd just used the car autostarter to warm things up,
putting on my jacket and shoes, and he calls and he needs me
now because he's in a crisis. they -- despite my protests
about overloading such a central word, he often calls them
they (but, when he's better, he calls them 'my friends') --
they are telling him he's going to die tonite.

"they've told you that before," i reply, "and you didn't

"but, i never said 'go ahead' before," he elaborates.

i could swear we've had this phase of the conversation
before -- that he's told them 'go ahead' and still hasn't
died -- but, unlike the more general case, i can't call up
specific incidents to mind, and so i give it the benefit of
the doubt. a little.

"i think you might have. but, i bet you're here tomorrow."
and then just talking him down a little.

tuesday, he texts me, essentially stating he's "not very
well today." "but you are alive," i reply.

i texted him this morning; didn't hear from him all day. i
suspect he is at a bar. it's noisy and he never calls at

his first concern is establishing that i am ok. he regularly
thinks something horrible has happened to me, or that it
might, and i really do my best to assure him as quickly as
possible no matter where i'm at. but then he's worried he
might die, or such, and tonite, it's more a distant concern,
rather than an urgent certainty

emotions are irrational. you feel, and then your rational
mind interprets the feelings. anger is stupid, for example:
if you're mad because the sink clogged and your toast
burned, you'll be mad at people on the bus, too, but you
won't say, "it's because my morning started off as shit,"
you'll say "it's because they're a stupid piece of shit and
why do you have to be such a piece of shit"

so, there's some sort of mechanism in between emotion and
rationality that translates the emotional feeling into a
rationale as to why we are feeling what w


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-02-20 03:36 [#02595468]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

...hat we are feeling.

he had said, "oh, i kind of stormed out of there" w/rt to
his current abode. now he worries he's going to die.

in lewis, i feel the scales are exponential when they should
be, like, logarithmic. his situation is complex, and he is
not wrong to be feeling significant amounts of anxiety. most
anyone would, in his situation, even without schizophrenia.
however, instead of his rational mind being all, "my living
situation is crap and stressful and it is stringing me out"
he's all "i'm going to die tonight." it's actually more like
he's saying, "i'm going to have a rough nite, tonite."

i rambled all this to him in a less-composed manner, then
effectively said: "your emotions are real, normal, and
completely justified, but your rational interpretation of
your emotions is vastly skewed." i felt, in the moment, he
got it. but if he gets past a point he'll text me saying
he's worried he's going to die. again.

you will someday, duder, but not tonite


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-02-20 03:41 [#02595469]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

w/rt emotion, there is a feedback loop between body and
mind. accelerated heart rate triggers neurochemical response
in the brain, neurochemical response in the brain either
elevates heart rate further, or backs it down. if you get
really, really mad, it can take almost an hour to fully calm
down, because your body is pumping like mad. the ongoing
physical pump keeps prodding the mind to stay mad and, from
personal experience, it can be like a dying wildfire with
hotspots constantly threatening to set it all off anew.

i think this is really where classic yoga canon shines,
because it's about 1) learning to recognize the physical
cues 2) learning what the physical cues do to your mind 3)
doing something to your mind about it


online belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2020-02-20 04:21 [#02595470]
Points: 6276 Status: Regular

the voices just won't shut up sometimes, and it's a negative
feedback loop where the more you push back against their
accusations / commands / prophecies / whatever the worse
they get

while i'm an advocate of "checking in" with em (it seems to
let off some kind of pressure valve) getting into long
conversations or listening too hard for their reply is
usually harmful. and no matter how hard you try to banish
the negative from yr interactions, if yr voice-hearing
morning, noon and night, it will erode yr rationality and
eventually turn nasty, at least in my experience

it sounds like he's back to trusting you as you, not a
replacement, and that yr reassurances are helping at least
for awhile. said it before but it bears repeating: you are a
good friend


online belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2020-02-20 04:22 [#02595471]
Points: 6276 Status: Regular

yr right about anxiety feedback loops too


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-02-20 04:30 [#02595472]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict | Followup to belb: #02595470

the voices just won't shut up sometimes, and it's a
negative feedback loop where the more you push back against
their accusations / commands / prophecies / whatever the
worse they get

anger and depression are similar
except it's just one voice, your voice, instead of some
galatic peanut gallery


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-02-20 04:40 [#02595473]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict | Followup to belb: #02595470

while i'm an advocate of "checking in" with em (it seems
to let off some kind of pressure valve) getting into long
conversations or listening too hard for their reply is
usually harmful. and no matter how hard you try to banish
the negative from yr interactions, if yr voice-hearing
morning, noon and night, it will erode yr rationality and
eventually turn nasty, at least in my experience

i'm on him to just not engage, and he seems to generally
agree it's the right approach. so, it's not an issue in that
regard. it's simply that he's hearing a lot of it, all day,
and i can imagine after four hours of ignoring it i'd be all
dfghjkdfgdf WELL FINE KILL ME THEN too

it sounds like he's back to trusting you as you, not a
replacement, and that yr reassurances are helping at least
for awhile. said it before but it bears repeating: you are a
good friend

the replaced-by-robots delusion is generally not something
he does, unless he's been spiraling out of control for weeks
on end. before that is worrying i'm betraying him, that i
don't care any more, and generally he'll call me up and
flat-out ask me if it's real. he actually hasn't done that
in a while... instead, what i've gotten is worry that
something awful has happened to me, and, odd as this sounds,
i'm touched. i read it as moving from worrying about my
loyalties to simply worrying about me.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-02-21 00:58 [#02595544]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

aaand he's gone off the hook again. hope he's ok


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-02-24 13:48 [#02595744]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

yes, apparently, he was at a bar, he got a bit too drunk, he
was screaming at his voices and they carted him off to the
hospital. this particular scenario has occurred before.

he gives me a call as i'm doing my morning
stretch/meditation/yoga/prioreceptive tuning/etc. and i am
rather chilled out and philosophical. i am actually deep in
the middle of a beautifully satisfying stretch, contorted on
my bed, my face nine inches from the phone when it rings.

he's worried about his friends getting lost. but, if the
voices are lost, can't you focus more easily?

no, the good voices. ok, so there are good voices and bad
voices, and you're upset about losing the good voices?

i go out on a limb: "i suspect it's a representation of how
you're having feeling. the voices represent your emotions,
and right now, in your situation [the hospital], you're
having trouble keeping up hope."

he doesn't argue. i'm not sure i'm right, but it does fit:
instead of experiencing certain things directly, he has a
dashboard of sorts, voices, blinking at him like mad.
perhaps it's some sort of protective mechanism; avoiding the
pain of feeling it directly. in any case, if i'm right about
this, why can come later.

"i was thinking," i tell him, "memory is an associative
thing. when you sit, perhaps bits of everything you've ever
experienced while sitting comes back at you. same if you're
standing, a tiny bit of everything you ever experienced
standing that way comes back at you. then more specific
stuff for leaning... like, your body, movement, position, is
this weird quagmire of memory, and this is part of what
makes us think what we do."

i'm always on him to take this stuff up, too.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-02-24 13:53 [#02595745]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

he feels bad about screwing up. i can tell.

"there's a lot that goes into a moment like that," i tell
him. "perhaps if you hadn't gotten too drunk, it wouldn't
have happened. perhaps if there's something else you hadn't
done, it wouldn't have happened."

he agrees.

"but maybe if you'd also been paying attention to what was
going on inside of you in a more scientific manner, you'd
have been able to spot the warning signs and positive
action, rather than simply avoid bad decisions. the way i
deal with my condition, with depression, is i've studied it.
i know the stages, and the signs. i know when i'm getting
bad, and things i can do to de-escalate."

he's bored out of his skull in the hospital, clear of all
substances (except for ativan, which they dispense there)
and it seems like a good time for these discussions


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-02-24 14:04 [#02595747]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

my running theory on synchronicity is based on the analogy
of a random number generator -- or, well, a pseudorandom
number generator, and the concept of a random seed. it is
a gloriously incongruent phrase, essentially meaning "the
point of order from which a sequence of 'randomness' is
generated." if you call rand(1), you get 3, 5, 19, 1. if you
call rand(2) you get 9, 21, 6, 2. but call rand(1) and you
get 3, 5, 19, 1, again. typically you're all
rand(current_time) and thus, get a new sequence of "random"
numbers every time. but, really, it's just an algorithm that
generates something rather unpredictable, but still from a
formula, based on an input variable.

synchronicity is, by example: you're thinking of an old
friend you haven't spoken with in years. right as you are,
the phone rings, and it's them, calling you. how did that
happen? how did you know?

perhaps, say, you went to college together. you were both
into the same music, and you went to see one of your
mutually favorite bands live, and had a really memorable
time. earlier that day, the band had been on the news,
announcing they were reforming.

perhaps other, more nebulous cues: maybe it's tuesday, and
you spent the most time together on tuesday because of class
schedules. lots of little details add up into the same
sequence of random numbers, and, boom, it's not a matter of
one person calling the other, it's more about who will make
the call first.

i came up with this years ago, and i still feel it's solid.
just now, though, i thought, perhaps it goes further. earth
is a closed system with rippling patterns of increasingly
more information. perhaps consciousness, and, underneath it,
life, all comes down to a common, cosmic seed. perhaps
synchronizing with this seed allows travel anywhere, simply
via the math. yoga and buddism describe such a state


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-02-25 20:51 [#02595796]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

so lewis has "they/them" which, when he refers to it, is not
some transgender nonsense, but the negative/mean voices in
his head. "my friends" are the positive/nice voices in his

"they always embelish!" he almost yells at me, over the
phone in the hallway of the psych ward. when i called, it
rang for quite a while. i began to worry i was just
bothering people with a ringing phone they were not
currently able to answer. "three more rings," i think. on
the third ring, some orderly answers. i ask for lewis.

now he sounds somewhat sedated. he had a bit of a meltdown
earlier today, he tells me. i ask him a question here and
there, but mostly just ramble about things on my mind.
before i could read, my father would always read books to me
before i went to sleep. there's something about the sound
and vibrations of a familiar voice that's very soothing.
like, it doesn't really matter what i say, as long as he
feels that i'm there.

when he is agitated (as opposed to sedated) i've found the
opposite is true -- it matters very much what i say.
prompting him with practical, factual things seems to help.
i'll be all, yeah, you remember last friday when [thing
happened]? and then i'll pause for him to remember; reply.
it really feels like, for a moment, he's coherent, because
i've given his brain a very specific job to do. i hear it in
the pause, and the "yeah." but then, if i don't immediately
follow up (get into the details of it, connect it to a
similar event in the past, etc) he will be off in the clouds
again within a couple seconds. it's almost like trying to
start a siphon


online belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2020-02-25 21:12 [#02595806]
Points: 6276 Status: Regular

depends on what they're medicating with i guess. if he's
agitated it could be benzos or maybe haloperidol. the latter
will make him "compliant" but is fucking unpleasant; you
feel unmoored yet so heavy and tired. a familiar voice, in
this state, is welcome. when the sedatìon wears off, and
he's back to being more concerned with the content of what
yr saying, just bear in mind he may be having 2 or 3
conversations at the same time with subsets of "them" as
well as you; trying to keep them all happy or at least
pacified. it's like spinning plates


offline mohamed from the turtle business on 2020-02-25 21:20 [#02595807]
Points: 31139 Status: Lurker | Show recordbag



offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-03-01 00:30 [#02596058]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict


That is the nature of metaphors, which have been
intensely studied by philosophers of science and by
scientists, as they seem to be so central to the way
scientists think. But metaphors are also rich and allow
insight and discovery. There will come a point when the
understanding they allow will be outweighed by the limits
they impose, but in the case of computational and
representational metaphors of the brain, there is no
agreement that such a moment has arrived. From a historical
point of view, the very fact that this debate is taking
place suggests that we may indeed be approaching the end of
the computational metaphor. What is not clear, however, is
what would replace it.

Scientists often get excited when they realise how their
views have been shaped by the use of metaphor, and grasp
that new analogies could alter how they understand their
work, or even enable them to devise new experiments. Coming
up with those new metaphors is challenging – most of those
used in the past with regard to the brain have been related
to new kinds of technology. This could imply that the
appearance of new and insightful metaphors for the brain and
how it functions hinges on future technological
breakthroughs, on a par with hydraulic power, the telephone
exchange or the computer. There is no sign of such a
development; despite the latest buzzwords that zip about –
blockchain, quantum supremacy (or quantum anything),
nanotech and so on – it is unlikely that these fields will
transform either technology or our view of what brains

how about weasels?

kind of funny that they've written a very long version of an
xltronic post. thx guardian


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-03-11 00:32 [#02596817]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

i used to have a lot more time on my hands. early pages of
this thread, i'm deep on some quasi-insane self-mapping
trip, and i discovered, i dunno, some strange meld of osho,
qi going, asana, and software engineering. or something.

then i got a proper salary job, and it kind of drifted off
on me. recently, however, i kind of slapped myself, and
said: the fuck did i stop doing all that for?

the answer was, i was busy, i was lasered in on the
day-to-day demands, and i did not see the bigger picture. i
dunno what it was, but around two months ago i felt the need
to get back in it.

ideally, i need two hours of praxis in the morning, but,
depending on how early i am able to drag myself out of bed,
it is generally less. but i'm getting better

proper form would be to have a large, open space, with a
large oriental rug to form a box of sorts to gauge yourself
off of. i have neither; i start off by sitting down on the
kitchen floor. gradually waking my back up. stretching my

from there, lots, in no specific order. i have dozens of, i
dunno what to even call them. just gradually going around
and communing with all my muscles. doing breathing
exercises. singing a note, then trying to sing lower notes,
focusing on vagal breathing and the sensation of resonance
particular frequencies garner within my guts. using indian
clubs to sort out my arms and shoulders. being very on
myself to stop tensing up the muscles in my neck as i do so;
these groups of muscles are improperly coupled together as
thought foments movement and this must be debugged


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-03-11 00:40 [#02596818]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict

often, towards the end of the session, i'll put on some
music and just dance. yesterday, on a whim, i switched on my
moog grandmother after i was most of the way through my
(non) routine. started playing with it, practicing playing
keys in time. i'm quite out of practice, eesh

but, i think, my brain had a reason for the whim, as i
started to connect the same feeling of meditation to letting
my hands move down the keys. but it's still not quite fluid.
i stretch a bit more, then put on some music. dance a bit

then i have JJ Fad's "supersonic" stuck in my hed. i pull it
up on youtube, and, to my delight, find that my moog
noodling is in the same key as the song. suddenly, i feel
that disconnect i was striving for -- letting my hand move
on its own, more thinking about target notes than struggling
to move my fingers.

today, going through my (non) routine again, i switched on
the moog earlier -- 'cos, hey, that was dope. then it hits
me: there's a huge depth to this. pages back in this thread,
my obsession with driving -- it was because i'd had to sell
off all my gear, but i managed to hang onto my (fairly new)
car, and so instead of making music, i drove to music. i've
written of a moment where i experienced a moment of
aphasia/confusion because i was driving and suddenly my
brain was all, "why are there cars here instead of faders?"
and i realized the starved, deprived music neurons had all
glued themself into driving. from driving, i started to get
into dancing, yoga, practicing general movement.

so, now, it's come full circle, where i've suddenly switched
on my moog as part of a morning meditation routine... when i
developed all that in the first place to replace making

it's made me suspect i've had the wrong attitude: work takes
so much time, i can't devote 10-hour blocks to music any
more, so i can't music. but, just like the exercise, i'm an
idiot for being so all-or-nothing about it. i just need to
stretch my legs/keys daily and it'll pick up steam


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2020-03-11 03:51 [#02596845]
Points: 24803 Status: Addict



offline mermaidman on 2020-03-11 14:50 [#02596870]
Points: 8148 Status: Regular

how is the bullshit in this thread different from the
bullshit in other threads i don't understand? are we
supposed to expect some different flavor of bullshit in this


offline RussellDust on 2020-03-11 15:30 [#02596876]
Points: 15976 Status: Regular | Followup to mermaidman: #02596870

No, but it’s where he can focus on his writings without
flooding the board with tons of other threads. Which he does
anyway to a certain extent. Anyway, I hope this thread will
be published as a book one day. I mean who could resist
reading about Geoff’s life, ups and downs, and daily


offline RussellDust on 2020-03-11 16:32 [#02596878]
Points: 15976 Status: Regular

I do love you, EMTvenen. You’re an integral part of Xlt


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