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EpicMegatrax writes more bullshit

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-06 03:11 [#02503097]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

necessity is the mother of invention. i've always struggled
to define precisely how far my compulsions go. when the
doctor says, "how strong are your neural weightings here, on
a scale of one to eleven?" you say, "how the fuck should i

put it into dollars, though, and everyone has an answer. you
want my lighter and cigarette box swapped? well, how long?
an hour? we're free on that. all day? that'll be a $20. a
week? $1000.

hey, now, that scale is a mirror of the value. if the
lighter and cigs are changed for more than a few days, the
new spot will begin to subsume the old spot. at a week, you
are officially fucking with my architecture, and it'll cost


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-06 03:59 [#02503098]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

we're way behind on brutal honesty... us, xlt, this thread
that's not read; it's dead. james

we're way behind on writing about the brutal honesty that
i've deployed recently. first and foremost is this: lewis is
fascinating, broken, and you care about him a heck of a lot.
it's the two buttons that drive most of your life combined
with your best friend struggling, shooting himself in the
foot, over and over, and yes, this is exactly the sort of
thing that could warp our judgement.

it was like writing about hypertext. it wasn't until i wrote
a bit about lewis that i realized i felt much more strongly
about it than i realized. the word desperation. there is an
edge of desperation, for sure. i wrote it along with the
rest without stopping to consider if it belonged there. then
found myself worrying on it later, because it did.

then there's ego, too. being the first hacker to bootstrap a
paranoid schizophrenic into cohereny would be a nice notch
on my belt, but that's not what i care about. i care about

my ego sneaks by with a compromise: a hacker finally fathoms
schizophrenia simply because a hacker so so incredibly
bothered to see his friend hurting.

oh, yes, more ego: being the first hacker to explain autism
in terms of engineering would be a nice notch on my belt,
but that's not what i care about. i care about an iterated
feedback loop of self-improvement that takes off and
accelerates until my pants are conswanqlated and socks
aren't a problem because i've switched the problem neurons
over to mining word salad like bitcons.

so, yes, let's not get ahead of ourselves. be content with
gradual and modest gains in lewis as well as yourself.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-06 04:11 [#02503099]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

then there was the oddity that bootstrapped itself: lewis
about to shoot him in the foot, me about to become cross
with him, and he skips a step: my words come out of his
mouth, and he's cross with himself precisely as i would have
been with him. or myself.

how the hell did that happen? did it get internalized? will
that keep working, or was it a weird one-off? should i tell

the only reason i didn't tell him immediately was because i
wasn't sure i should. conscious awareness will immediately
meddle in something that happened subconsciously. it's like
having the world's first artificial life form show up in
your beaker. it's a one-off; this was a freak accident and
you've only got that one there, in the car. you're not
going to be casual; spill your coffee all over it.. no, it
will be minded carefully.

very quickly i decided it was best talked about: i did it
once by accident, but if more is needed, well, i don't like
the idea of being some svengali. part of why lewis and i
have these sort of things happen is that it's such a deeply
honest and open relationship. deception creates blockage and
we're also fucking with any potential for progress.

best reason yet: this is about consciousness, you dolt. me,
i mean me, not you. having matt consciously on board and
actively wrangling his own weasels, well, as i've said: you
live with your brain 24 hours a day. i see him a lot, yes,
but he's more strategicly positioned.

he's inside his own mind and that's feedback from the system
i don't have...

talking about the moment with lewis led to a conversation
very full of the feels. in retrospect, i was a bit
intimidated by tackling it. how a bit of me is in him and a
bit of him is in me. after a talk, conclusion was thus:
that's the way we like it, thanks.

attitude is back to playful, and that's where it should be.
how did i get that weasel to jump the air gap? ask the NSA


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-06 09:17 [#02503100]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

the notion-layer thing is blowing my mind, as of late --
it's blowing its own mind, too, i can tell. lint's little mind is blown.
before the smokes. before hurricane lewis has cavitated my
beachside stick mansion of weasels into the surf.

i've never really thought to combine thixotropy and real
estate, but it fits this to a T. all lewis did was touch a
single rock.

you're epicmultitrax. you're as much a machine designed for
your car as your car is a machine you've designed for
yourself. you're redesigning the machine that is your car,
in the machine that is your mind.

you're epicmultitrax. you are hanging off of a (public bike
rack [backwards {to the left}]), when this began. some hair
ladies have now seen you like that for two whole minutes.
you have no idea they arrived and began ohmahgawding

how do the hair ladies handle this shit? rabid protocol
negotiation: call the cops? give him a dollar? ignore him?

lewis touches the rock, and the house crisply
thixotropinates. gone. the hair ladies about face and
observe in numb shock. where'd the house go?

you're epicmultitrax. you're confused. the house is not
where you left it. givens: you can move, the house can't
move. ok. next, landmarks... oh, that pine tree. i got it
now. let's go!

the lovecraftian lurch when your spatial map of reality is
rejoined with reality is a jarring, non-euclidian explosion
of panic and squirms, with a hint of funk.

hair ladies see it via peripheral vision. peripheral
hair-weasels lose bladder control. wat! they never. they
don't even. they need the conscious mind to debug the [???].
they context-switch to data mining, and about face, again.

you're epicmultitrax. you have resumed your previous
position on the bike rack already.

lewis goes to touch the rock again


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-06 09:21 [#02503102]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

the caching process is a separate thing from self-indulgent
absurdity. that doesn't have to be on paper, because you're
making it up as you go.

you're epicmultitrax, and you're blowing off some steam.
fine, fine, ok. just avoid peter molyneux and recursion, and
make sure your next post to explain the previous post
doesn't generate a subsequent post to explain itself. then,
stand up, because your knees are cross. and crossed.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-06 10:01 [#02503103]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

so, i'm a kid. we're recessing. an activity is found and a
crowd gathers. as the crowd is informationally upstream, i
swim towards it. i know i'm not in water, it's just fun to
move my arms. what's this? the kids are relentless bothering
a springy doorstep. i fall in love with it immediately. we
take turns with it.

i start trying to figure it out. my fourth turn is planned
and targeted, with a list of experiments as long as a loaf
of french bread. it will take hours.

i forget we're taking turns. i know how to take turns, and
that i've forgotten to take turns for numerous things
before, including but not limited to: pizza, nintendo, and

the other children eventually realize that my ghost has left
its body and is now inhabiting a rapt exploration of every
possible noise the thing is capable of producing. they
become cross. i hear yelling, but not cross. eventually,
they leave. i am not invited to sarah's party. her house
probably doesn't have one of these anyways, so i'm not
particularly torn up about it.

six years later, in high school, you've had at least four or
five paradigm shifts already. you were looking at the
springy doorstop totally the wrong way. you've taken it
further than you dreamed possible. the teenagers around you
have become used to how you do... well, those things, and
now there is a familar staccato waltz that will color large
chunks of your life:

you are playing with the spring. heaven. not a care in the
then, people are yelling at you: ohmygawd! quittit.

reluctantly, you do. for perhaps five minutes.
then, people are yelling at you

this is how social anxiety forms: i'm up my butt, in
nirvana. don't mean to be intractable, unfathomable, and
obnoxious, but it is what it is. that gets me what it gets
-- ohmahgawd, explosions -- and pretty soon any time i'm not
playing with a springy doorstop, i'm a neurotic wreck,
because this is always the part where the trauma hits me out
of nowhere


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-06 10:20 [#02503105]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

by college, i had the nascent ability to multitask, and
notice when i was toeing the line of "too far," but it was
"too late." i had not yet come to appreciate the rich
complexity of spirals and ping-pong loops and more that
anxiety can produce between people, but i was certainly
familiar with it

merely ordering a ham and cheese sandwhich in the precise
configuration i always had triggered massive amounts of
anxiety. my lizard brain is on full alert, waiting for the
high school kid to get confused about my sandwhich. there's
always confusion. how can i design around confusion?

process engineering the sub shop. yes, this happened,
allowing me to face two or four minutes less of exposure to
people. why am afraid of them? the root, i suppose, is i
don't trust them. deep down, you see, i know they're
still mad at me for the springy doorshop shit. one
wrong move and it'll all come out. everyone at this sub
shop. mousey cashier. pregnant lady with mysteriously empty

process engineering minimized the time my body spent at the
sub shop, and my mind has long since been optimized to madly
flee from the fact that yes, we are in a lowe's hardware,
and it was supposed to be a sub shop. never mind that! i've
noticed external reality! already, my heart rate is climbing
and i'm dgfjkdfg

this buries the hatchet. i begin the official ascent up my
own posterior. i'm already four or six years behind my age
in social skills, and aphex twin hasn't put out a new album
since tuss. i brashly decide to step up. this will require
powerful drugs


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-06 11:24 [#02503109]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

the last part of that last thing was no kidding. i more or
less decided i was content to say in my bubble, because i
had a pretty bomb-ass bubble at the time. a rather large
basement to myself with a nice oriental rug, my studio in
one room. a chaotic workshop in the other.

i worked from home probably 20 or 30 hours a week, and the
general pattern would be to work for three days, then some
out of body experiences and a few tracks, then another few
days of work, and then my boyfriend and i are getting wasted
to finish the evening off.

i begin recording albums. things start to get interesting.
my car breaks and i make a note to... i dunno, fix it or
something? get a new one? whatever. i just volunteer myself
to do all the dishes to offset never going to the grocery
store again.

i record some of my finest work. i feel like i'm only
getting started

some explosions, bees, and it's all gone. no bubble, no
synths, no boyfriend, and all of this right in time to
discover that alcohol got its claws into you. un. fucking.
acceptable. right after i delt with the drinking, i took the
same attitude towards social stuff. four months and i was
over the hump. i'd un-tube-sock'd.

i am of two minds:

1) i lost all my shit right as the music was hauling the
most ass it ever had. i feel like i never got to finish. i
wonder what it could have been

2) traumatic as it was, losing my shit may have been the
best thing that ever happened to me... or, well, first it
almost killed me, but after that i was more or less forced
to get it together

i'm still rather skittish, but i'm finally starting to be
able to relax, here and there, just as well as i can alone.

this is a trail marker for the entirely new class of
absurdly weird situations, problems, and wonders i've
experienced going about in public without being in a blind
panic and a keen sense of rhythm


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-07 08:28 [#02503209]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

the irreplacable dynamic between lewis and i can pretty much
be summed up by this story:

one day, in the car, lewis began asking me: are we there
like a kid. there's even a tonality to the phrase
-- think about it, you'll get it. the songy way it's said.
he is not seriously asking. no, he is trolling me.

i laugh the first time. the second time, too, but i'm about
over it now. the third time i pretend to be amused. the
fourth time i want to throttle him.

"that tears it," i think. "i have to get him good next
time." the clock is now ticking until he drops it on me
again, and i had best be ready.

the core answer, obviously, is "no." this gets us into why,
and, yes... that's good already. but he's not asked yet, so
i'll keep it in my vest and try and do better...

are we there yet?

lewis, we'll never get there. wherever you go, there you
are. we'll never get there because we'll always be here.

the question hasn't come up since, other than when we've
gotten into how words like this lead to blind spots in
language and consequently it's hard to talk about treason if
you don't have a word for it, just like newspeak in 1984.

what? you haven't read 1984? what kind of paranoid
schizophrenic can you be if you haven't even gotten down the

i get him as good as he gets me.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-07 18:52 [#02503274]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

fart synchronicity weasel remains a theory, for the moment.
i think i'm just getting lucky


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-08 08:24 [#02503296]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

re: notion layer -- subconscious API

yes, the i will start by walling myself off from the
technical nonsense about neural structure and latency.
there's five posts that can wait, yep. right into some live

Example 1 / "NO" -- i am rambling to lewis in the car while
iterating through my tree structure of sterlite creatures;
there's probably music too. i am delighted with this
multitasking thing i'm starting to get down and i've gotten
carried away.

even this, though, works a bit better: there is no disaster.
no problem. just, smooth as a robot, i complete all the
sub-tasks and promptly had lewis the wrong item. like, yes,
that fractal you wanted rendered? yes? ok, here's a jpeg
image of a cat.

rambling: "i'm trying to do too much at once, and now i need
to tell myself not to so i won't keep doing it." then i do.
but it's funny... i do it real hard for emphasis, as
if lewis could look in my head and see me doing it extra
hard somehow. it makes sense enough, really... if i were
explaining a physical motion, i'd have done it real hard.
for emphasis.

result: i am doing too much at once again. i am driving,
musicing, and fishing around for the pack of gum behind the
other thing, but in front of the backup lighter. left hand,
by feels. eyes on road. as i'm doing this, i start to think
about routes. well, this road is good, but...

then... NO!

what the shit? that was a notion. but they're not usually...
scolding me like i would a dog? what was that?

the beauty is that i was able to figure it out. my brain
told me the NO was connected with a visual snapshot of the
pack of gum in its nook, and it happened precisely as i
tried to GPS while doing that.

bro: you're about to do too much at once again, and, yeah,
didn't we not want to do that?

fair enough. i stopped.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-08 08:59 [#02503297]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

Example 2 / Eager Puppy

like multitasking, i was beside myself that this
notion-layer thing had gone from idle noodling in the car
(theory) to something that was a working machine i was
beginning to get interesting reults from (practice).

one day was just off the charts. the above example, this
one, and more. the notion layer was coming back at me
mid-sentence. it was like it was an eager puppy going:
ohmygodohmygod here it is omgomg.

it was also not disorienting to me in the slightest. it also
wasn't an interruption, per se -- it arrived at my internal
monologue as i hit the word in the sentence that the notion
belonged to.

it was a pointer, wow. like, these vague notions to do
whatever? they can still be astoundingly vague, but i used
to be left wondering... did it mean what i was just
thinking? that thing on the road over there? much less of a
problem, now.

it's like hearing my mom saying something to me while i was
coding as a teen: i'm aware of both at once for a moment,
and i have to pick: hear what mom said or finish this bit of
code? typically, i get a word or two ahead of the notion and
i have that same situation going on, and, oh, let's see what
that has for me.

i was too thrilled to be nervous, but i felt like i should
be. this is a bit close to a kool aid man and perhaps we
should back down a bit.

so i did other stuff for a while; i have no problem burying
myself in a stream of things like the last two weeks of ars
technica articles and hunting on google bad news for the
best images of men in ski masks using laptops.

it was more or less like flipping a switch. my conscious
inner monologue prattled to itself as always, but yes sir,
we'll stop that firestorm, ok.

then i get back in the car and i'm stressing over routes or
lewis snags and here you are, sir, yes, i've connected this
word with a potential solution and saved you the time of
thinking it up.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-08 09:14 [#02503298]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

the day it was going non-linear nosebleed on me, i actually
caught tone in the notion-layer as it interrupted me
mid-sentence. i realized: shit, it's me. it's me, earlier
that day, giddy that it had broken open somehow. i thought
back to the "NO!" moment and, yes, that's me too, as i said
it to myself, real hard. for demonstration purposes.
ace demo. well-played, notions


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-08 09:27 [#02503299]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

one of the founding rules of the notion-layer thing was a
bit of conscious evaluation: is this a reasonable thing to
do? do i want to do it?

turn left? sure, yes. stuff that cat into an ATM like
patrick bateman? no, sorry, i'm late; i have to return some
video tapes

i was very deliberately engaging in something hidden behind
a wall that rationality can't really penetrate, and, well, i
had to get my bathing suit wet. get irrational. but not too
irrational. no, that won't do at all...

let's do this casually; as a car game. like archetyping
other drivers based on their car and the way they wield it.
go with it when you can. a "when in rome" sort of attitude,
but stopping before the part about some loose plebian at the
agora and syphilis.

typical me: intense anxiety and neurosis meets raging
curiosity. neurosis always wins, but not without quite a
fight. it's like a guy on crack and PCP beating up a fire
hydrant. he doesn't do much damage, but it's impressive he
does any at all.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-08 09:37 [#02503300]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

Example 3 / Root Voices

i figured it was fair game to argue with the notions. like:
no, that strikes me as a bad route; please explain yourself
if you want me to do that. eventually, it did sort out how
to do a bit of this.

at times, though, it's just like: no, nope. fuck that. i'm
tired, that's further away from home. they only respond to
this if i've been into it and poking the spot all day and
it's already really chatty. this is what they say, more or

fine, do what you want. it's your brain.

miffed. butthurt. but... then i realized: it's my father's
voice, with a bit of my mother too. it's not anger, or
disappointment, just... it hurts me you're saying no, but
that is your right as a conscious individual.

i should always be ready to exercise that right, lest i
become a machine to circumstance. grow up and repeat my
parents mistakes... no, let's say: that notion is my dad's
identical neurosis, and i'd like to avoid that trap.

but, that's not what gets me the wounded parental tone...
no, it comes when i'm set on wanting to do something i know
i shouldn't, and i start hunting for a rational

say i'm driving and it's past daily practice and far into
procrasination. i begin debating the next branch, an
intersection a quarter mile up. highway? home? a notion
percolates in: go home.

if i then say: no, fuck off, the highway will be ace at 3am
because i'll have it to myself and the cops will be snoozing
and... fine, do what you want. if you want to shoot
yourself in the foot, i won't stop you.

i've been having this conversation with myself at numerous
intersections for an hour and i should have gone home, and
now even the notions are telling me to go home. usually i go
home when i should. if i should and i miss it, notions help
cover me. the real trick is sticking to it, really, on
nights when i'm feeling tied down and out of control and
want to assert myself.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-08 09:54 [#02503301]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

that i hear a combination of my father and my mother
sounding genuinely hurt when i flaunt the collective wisdom
of all my years of rambling to myself is deep and

it was always there, really. i've caught myself thinking
this or that many times throughout the years and thought:
oh, yeah, there's mom. heh. depending on what it is, it can
be charming or insightful or just plain weird.

before, i mostly caught that through the words. the
phrasing. i know my parents' writing voices like their
actual voices, and the way i've written it up is also both
of them at once. i'd catch it, but i couldn't hear
it. i seem to have cultivated a small (but growing)
awareness of how the voice sounds:

me, excited as a puppy. me, telling myself not to get so
carried away with multitasking, real hard. lewis's
phrases and mannerisms working their way into my stream of
thought and coming out of my mouth like they're my own.

as a baby, your mind has no language. you're around your
parents and soak up their harmonics, rhythms, and feelings
until enough has built up for you to learn to speak by
exploding all that you've heard into little bits and
stitching it back together to express yourself.

i've joked consciousness is a just really long tape delay
with the feedback turned up slightly past unity... kernel of
truth, there.

the voices of your parents are fed into an empty delay with
the feedback slightly past unity. it gathers and spirals
around until you break the wall of language. other voices
flow in: relatives. sesame street. over time, a unique
individual emerges as your spiral gathers the inverse of

your parents' spirals were initialized by the voices of
their parents, and their parents by their parents, and it's
like a tape loop of rhythmic data being passed from one
generation to the next like an olympic torch.

remember synchronicities? yeah. ow. my hed


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-08 10:41 [#02503302]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

in retrospect, not only was all of this was already there,
but i was aware of a lot of it in bits and pieces. i needed
to make up stupid names for things like notions and weasels
before i could interact with them in a meaningful way.

notions started off as what everyone has: a voice that's
pretty close to your conscious monologue, but not. it's
automatic, deep, unfathomable. without a structure of
machinery for the conscious mind to interpret these signals,
most of it got lost.

like everyone, i figure, i've been following notions for
years. same attitude: either do it, or argue with it. always
give it the respect of serious consideration.

i never questioned what it was in the first place. i never
tried to hear it with more detail. i'd argue in my conscious
monologue, but i wouldn't get back fine, do what you

then, i'm studying automatic driving, wondering how it got
so good. i notice a chain of events: a song starts
dead-center on a green light, the cars brake and surge,
beatmatched... then, red light exactly as the song ends...
wicked, i love it. i want more.

so i'm focusing on that, now. i was already driving in time
to music for fun, so that was my angle of attack:
consciously try to get the lights to sync up. get better at
guessing. i never did.

after a few weeks, though, i noticed that when i got a
stabbing "switch lanes" or "turn left" it led to a
synchronous moment -- too often to be written off as chance.
wrong 3/4 of the time, but when they're right... wow.

so this isn't a premonition. it's... a notion, i suppose.
we've not really thought it through, yet. a guess.

notion-layer is beside itself that it's finally able to
express itself clearly. it's giddy. it can't shut up. just
like me.

notion-layer is an unfathomable hive mind of chatter,
thrilled to be heard, but not demanding. there if you want
it. just like this thread.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-08 10:55 [#02503303]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

i've mentioned i write these things because they force me to
explicity spell things out, check my facts, find things i
miss, and synthesize concepts into new ones that fit
better... and this is a mechanism to save me from myself.
old mistakes hanging there to remind me, new ones revealing
themselves as i read it back.

i've mentioned that i wrote all this on XLT because you
can't edit posts, and this provided a mechanism to save me
from myself: i would spend as much time again editing as i
do writing, and, well, i'm way behind with just writing.

the mechanism(writing) to save myself from drowning in my
own information spawns a mechamism(XLT is broken forever) to
save myself from drowning in my own information. then i'm
still drowning, and, after a cry about hypertext, studying
the structure of concsciousness led to a lateral,
off-the-wall solution i'm rather proud of: a tieded caching
mechanism, with my monologue as L1, lewis as L2,
writing/diagrams on paper as L3, and XLT as L4.

here we are, and this thread has finally explained itself.
it's a relief to know the well has a bottom, but the cache
is still choc full of unprocessed data. this will keep me
busy for a good while yet. but, amazingly, i've finally
found a point where i can log off the board and stop
worrying about it for a bit. sounds like i should get some
real work done, quick, because i'll figure out more of this
soon enough.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-08 13:50 [#02503307]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

a hierarchical cache is using engineering to
cheat god (physics). a CPU running at 800mhz has memory at
100mhz, but techniques behind caching -- L1, L2, L3, RAM,
Swapfile, Saved Files, Backups, Internet Backups,
Archive.Org.... wait, where were we?

yes. a tiered cache allows me to take my brain's memory bus
(adam sandler's fatty mcgee) and get enough performance out
of it that my CPU is drowning; always stuck waiting while
bits about rhythm unloaded and things about caching loaded,
then the AC unit clicks on and smashes my stack, because
it's right as i fart. no, that didn't happen, but i wish it
did. perhaps it will. i know what voice to use for that

it's also very charming and beautiful from a human
perspective. my consciousness is L1, and lewis is L2. he is
so similar to me yet so completely different. it's the
closest i can get to having another version of myself around
to point out ideas i've missed. explaining things to lewis
spawns all sorts of new data that goes back to L1.

down in L4 -- then still L3 -- we're drowning. so behind on
writing. i can feel some of it leaking. don't let it slip.
whatever this is...

the answer was my compulsively honed set of note-taking
techniques, in a parking lot at 5am. flowcharts, arrows,
etc. and it was like i'd taken a huge dump. unburdened. the
core of it is there for reference later, in coded symbols
that are not the whole deal, but enough that i can work back
up to where i was later. L4 was freed up to the point where
it began functioning again, and a day or two later i had
compiled a very deep and beautiful conclusion using a
beowulf cluster of circumstance i built with engineering, my
best friend, and a forum that is both broken and


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-08 14:04 [#02503308]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

spare glances in this thread -- you know, morbid curiosity
-- are subconsciously stored. then i've leaked out all over
the other threads, as always, and jokes that grew over there
came back here and a derailed aphex twin thread formed the
groundwork for a derailed freqy death thread that spawned
some other things that led to the stuff, weasels. weasels.
weasels. entangled pringles.

your reactions influence my reactions. pretty much, in my
personal bubble, i have two boards that could handle this
thread: riced out yugo, and XLT. riced out yugo allows me to
edit posts, and the system began sucking mud. so XLT it
was... riced out yugo is thoroughly autistic, but XLT is
pretty schizophrenic, and, like lewis and i, it was simply a
good fit.

being the first person to diagnose a messageboard's
consciousness with something out of the DSM is a nice notch
in my belt, but it's not what i care about. what i care
about is that i have a supercomputer of circumstance,
something found moderately tolerable by the angry voice of
steve jobs in my mind that demands innovation, elegance, and
no bullshit.

i remember the first beowulf cluster i made. i was 15 or 16,
and it was three terrible linux boxes and lots of config
files, messing with C, until finally i had a program that
farmed out stupid arithmatic problems to crappy linux

the family dog was chasing it's tail, and got it. my dad
remarked, "well, now thatcha got it, what ya gonna do with

when i finally got it to add up numbers, there was a moment
of calm in my noisy brain. now what? well, same as the
crappy linux boxes they ran on, which i'd spent hours
bodging up out of dumpster parts. they were pitiful and old
and the idea of farming real work out to them was

in college, one of my better moments was saying, "i could
combine POSIX and the comp sci full of beige boxes and
beowulf cluster this project." 12am, get it to myself, log
in everywhere, take the lab over. decimated.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-08 14:12 [#02503309]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

beowulf cluster is such a profoundly perfect name. if you go
over the original beowulf in a school class or something,
you'll run into this: fame and immortality are one and the
same. no afterlife, just, you're beowulf, you're now
immortal. like david bowie. no longer actively synthesizing,
but left behind is a ripple around of influence that pings
and grows...

...until his last album of self-organizing structures
(rhythm) reaches a critical threshold where... well, no,
there won't be another bowie album, but people will forever
be wondering what bowie would have done, they all talk about
it, make their own david bowie albums. the albums have a
good think, people look at what each other did, steal bits,
and then economic pressures determine: yes, this one is the
most david bowie, let's go with that... and we've gone and
compiled the album he would have made, except we've gone and
fixed a few mistakes he's missed


offline mohamed from the turtle business on 2016-09-08 18:30 [#02503317]
Points: 31139 Status: Lurker | Show recordbag

approaching 500


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-08 20:56 [#02503331]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

i'm already O(9000). just switched on the thing right as the
massive attack solosfdiogjdlkfgjdflkgh SDFJGK

alright, yes, that was me breaking out of my ramble vector
because i happened to switch the tv back on more or less
dead bullseye on where i'd needle drop for the start of the
best arc. it had been off for hours. i made the playlist,
yes, but i don't remember when i put this on it at all. it's
future proof, a gorgeous painting of a song about how you
cannot design around every possible scenario; nothing is
ever future proof. for every 99 vectors of attack you close
down, there will always be a 100th window to the soul.

i got to a bunch of these conclusions, and it was very
exciting. but the sense of relief didn't come until i wrote
it out on here. but now i have this polcy: on paper first.
ok. i dilligently go for it. what's this one stupid moment
in light of the rippling effect it will have on my whole
mental ecosystem -- which, obviously, i care about as much
as my carcatecture. perhaps even moreso.

so i'm paper caching, but it's exploding my brain all over
all over again over the map and all i'm goddamn it, it just
looks like it as darn it, as the voice of robert anton
wilson writing about ulysses in prometheus rising. i can
also give you a date, but i'm not certain. yes, there, even
that just did it.

this is ridiculous. there simply is no other way: i have a
certain amount of recursive jokes i have to get through in
the day to survive. and abstract stories involving lewis and
bike racks... tangent, tangent!


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-08 21:27 [#02503332]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

the world's longest PHP joke spawned the world's longest
peter molyneux joke which spawned the world's longest peter
molyneux joke until i fixed the cache, then there was
recursion all over the floor from my brain overflowing like
a clogged toilet... but, continuing the metaphor, the toilet
was functiong, and i was no longer full of shit, and this
makes cleaning up the mess seem like a priviledge, because,
this is some dragon shit.

i wrote in my EpicMegatrax Writes Bullshit thread, about how
it felt to braindump all i hadn't binge-posted yet. so much
it was sending me peter molyneux. i described it thus: "it
was like i took a dump." a few hours later, it hit me: then
it hit me: there be dragons here.

my plans involve laser-scanning the lair from afar,
studying the dragon for weeks, learning when he eats and
when he sleeps and when he poops and then going in there
when he's just taken an amazing dump and eaten three other
adventurers and carefully make off with targeted bits of
loop. optimized for best loot vs. what will the dragon
notice missing.

it's like my subconscious mind said, "alright, here's the
battle plan! we can't explain notions properly unless we
david copperfield him real good, and this is a good a time
as any. also, let's scatter little bits of it all over all
over again and again in the process, inside the process...
then once he figures it all out, let's do it again the same

"the subconscious mind is a mirror" -- so literally true
it's ridiculous. mapping it out spawned structures that
spawned structures that... and i'm stuck. until i had more
bandwidth, i couldn't escape a certain class of local
solutions, and promptly auto-gun my foot. go up my butt.
full squarepusher.

today, i'm caching to paper, all good for a bit. then i
catch myself about to write up a squarepusher joke. no,
that's not right. stop that. this is for critical


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-08 21:56 [#02503339]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

so i wrench myself away from lulz and get some notes out...
and by the time i'm done, i have more notes to write. this
shit is the mead, because words begat words begat words
begat fuck it i am in my car in a parking lot so i can focus
on this and now i wrote most of it up and it made more to
write up and i have to pee. so i decided, well, if it's
spewing more, i've cached enough, and some of it has to go
to XLT.

then i got to XLT, and i promptly had the same problem.
tangents. recursion. no, delete that. stop it. stick to the

finally, i yield. i realize i have typed up the first
sentence or two of the squarepusher joke i told me was nice,
but, can we focus, please? for my sanity? ok, thanks. now it
can't wait its turn for pizza and is cutting off all the
other pickup trucks with trump stickers.

it made me realize: i have a certain amount of recursive
jokes i have to get through the day in order to survive, so,
shit, fine. ok.

now that i've caved i'm doing it properly, thoroughly,
writing this squarepusher joke with the same level of focus
i use to face deeply unpleasant realizations, because that's
just my normal level of focus, you know?

if squarepusher is to ever to un-reverse-tube-sock, he needs
to stop playing simulations with himself all day and get a
live funk band. coathangar hed band, led helmet band... man,
get hand bands banned so they don't get out of hand. on the
other out of hand, this joke got out of my head as many
mines were simulated out of my butt that i realized that
squarepusher is the joke. so far gone up his own butt he's
come out the other side and realized: shit, i'm the joke,
let's go with it. hug it and see what it likes for lunch.
simulate bands so more squarepusher jokes will self-organize
on forums and explain to me exactly what's so funny about
myself. i take my music career very seriously and i don't
understand the rude comments, guys


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-08 22:01 [#02503340]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

anyways, i no longer almost zone out and roll through red
lights, and i have a spot in my brain strongly
interconnected with peter molyneux that ensures, as a
writier, i will never hit a dry spell. not that i ever did


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-08 22:02 [#02503341]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict



offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-08 22:05 [#02503342]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict | Followup to EpicMegatrax: #02503332

and carefully make off with targeted bits of loop

i don't remember noticing that typo before... oh, jesus
christ... even glancing at this thread is enough to rope me
in for hours. no wonder i sabotaged my own attempts to sit
down and re-read it


offline Hyperflake from Wirral (United Kingdom) on 2016-09-10 03:21 [#02503459]
Points: 30831 Status: Regular

you write such voluminous amounts its hard to keep up, have
you read a Thomas Pynchon novel?


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-10 06:56 [#02503460]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

i know about the famous opening line with screaming
rainbows, and that he was on the simpsons with a paper bag
over his head, but no, i've never actually read anything
he's written.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-10 07:07 [#02503461]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

i was up far too long (as i often am) and had a hell of a
good sleep. i woke up two or three times to pee and drink
water to pee out later. i remember some flashes of dreams,
seemed a bit intense, but as usual, don't remember them.
what i do remember is that each time i woke up, i stewed on
some writing for a bit before going back to sleep. wake up,
think, fall back asleep. now i'm up and still thinking about

roald dahl was one of my favorite authors as a kid. charlie
and the chocolate factory is a metaphor for potential.
getting the golden ticket doesn't mean you get the chocolate
factory, it just means you possibly could. there are all
sorts of ways you can screw it up royally: entitlement,
greed, and netflix addiction (mike teavee).

everyone on the yugo phorums knows who aphex is, if only
indirectly, but it's this place that reacts to gene wilder's
passing. like a myoclonic jerk, we get a thread as he falls
asleep. i have a story about lewis trying to figure out
which movies i've seen gene wilder in, and so i type it up.
this is squarely why it's in my head now: oh, yes, there's
some sort of thing about ascention in that glass elevator,
isn't there? but that's just a few moments of the movie.
most of it is about tragedy weeding out anyone else with
potential, it's just so silly you don't notice.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-10 07:35 [#02503462]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

re: NO, real hard ~ notion example

having my inner monologue come back to me later in the day
as subconscious signals was huge. really, i'm sure it's been
doing this all my life, but it's like scientists finally
catching a neutrino -- takes months, totally worth it, flood
of data, the data ripplies throughout the theory and does
some construction on it, and now you know how to catch
neutrinos better. which is good, because now you have lots
of new questions that require new neutrinos.

so, as written, i'm driving to music, and i grab for my pack
of gum. then i start thinking about GPS, routes, as i'm
groping for the gum, and driving. out of nowhere, i get a
notion: NO!

it worried me for a moment, because i never get that sort of
immediacy and tone out of my notions, and are they getting
out of hand?

no, i realize. that was me earlier in the day, telling
myself not to get carried away with simultaneous tasks,
real hard, as written. the only reason i was able to
figure this out was because i have developed enough
machinery to interpret these signals with some nuance.

i had no idea what it was about, at first. my first guess
was the GPS, because that's what i was on when it hit. when
i consider that, though, i get a pointer: yes, sir, the
notion meant this other part. i get a visual image of the
pack of gum in its cubbyhole (my eyes are still on the road,

oh! the gum was a subtask of driving, and i tried to add
another task on top of the gum (GPS) and it's messing me up.
it was completely correct. thinking about GPS had me
fumbling by touch twice as long as i'd usually need, and i'm
sure it impacted my route planning too.

too many things going on at once. too many to realize i'm
overdoing it, and then my own voice comes back from
somewhere and saves me from myself. yeah, this is pretty


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-10 07:49 [#02503463]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

what blows me away is the complexity of the pattern my brain
managed to catch. i've always figured these automatic habits
to be intensely limited things: no sense of time, no sense
of situational relevancy, just running on static patterns
it's seen before. like a computer program that can recognize
any image fed into it, but changing even a single pixel on a
known image means the program can no longer handle it, and
crashes back to conscious focus.

the second situation was completely different from the
first. the first: i was not driving at all, i was parked,
shuffling through storage containers and rambling. the
second: i was driving, groping for gum, and routing.
completely different.

until that happened, i truly did not believe the system was
capable of that level of complexity. the thing is, maybe it
really wasn't capable of it before. perhaps this is a new
thing i've developed in myself...

the core point is this: i'm talking about programming
metaphors all day, and i finally have what is tantamount to
a programming language for my subconscious mind: i write a
message to my subconscious mind in the way that someone
makes a note to themselves. there's an emotion attached to
the message, as well as a strength. yelling at myself really
hard gets yelling back at myself later. as i'm doing this,
i'm fixated on whatever i'm writing the message about, and
this forms the basis of a pattern my subconscious searches
for to trigger the playback of my message.

i've been doing all sorts of stuff with this already, but
it's things like "no, don't use that part of your neck so
hard," but i have never attempted things like "do not
multi-task so much it makes everything slower or even breaks
it entirely" because i assumed that was entirely too
complex. by accident, i realized i was wrong. so wrong.

it's just a message playback; you have to be able to trust
yourself to obey it later. i stopped the GPS and focused on
my gum, but it's not like i had to.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-10 08:14 [#02503464]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

a few hours later i hit on the "root voices" thing, that it
implies live rhythms passed from one generation to the next.
this goes back to the birth of language, and the DNA goes
the rest of the way down.... oh, and, yes, i can now
programming angry yelling and it will dutifully spin back at
me and scare me later.... this is about when i decided to
slow down, take some time off, catch up with the writing
backlog. it's so much to process. some of it is powerful
enough that i can shoot myself in the foot pretty good.

the bootstrap analogy comes from baron von munchausen
pulling himself out of a swamp by his shoelaces. it makes
syntactical sense, but overall, it doesn't make sense. a
metaphor for the invention of metaphor, perhaps.

as an engineer able to get occasional flashes of the
underlying machinery for a second or two after whatever
event i want to examine, i conclude that the mechanism for
this is a cache memory that i've begun to be able to peek
into. i get onto streaks in my work, things i've stewed on
all day yesterday will be in my mind when i wake up. so,
alright, this is a tiered caching mechanism where relevancy
rises to the top, and...

in retrospect, it's entirely possible that my subconscious
mind has been re-organizing itself to follow the map i've
been building in my conscious mind, and whatever i put into
the architecture comes back, backwards.

so, i need a tiered cache of myself, lewis, paper, and
public forum to process through an architecure i can't even
close to keep in my head all at once, and it's possibly
because this is how i've decided it all works down there.

if the process of exploring the architecture down there is
what defines it, well, awesome. i love it, really, there's
nothing in this world i trust except my code and algorithms.
whatever i come up with will be solid. it will wipe the
floor with pranayama, buddhism, NLP, and v1 of
metaprogramming, because it's strange homunculus made from
them all.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-10 08:29 [#02503465]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

i got up from bed, huge lovely sleep, woke up three times
and thought about this stuff a bit as i went. already it's
gone from a few elegant points to a mess of blather... yes,
the cholocate factory thing, golden ticket but the glass
elevator won't simply be handed to you. you're not entitled
to it... and, yes, this wouldn't be shuffling around if not
for L4 of the cache. putting myself in a glass house, i
called it. writing deeply personal things for the public to
see and react to in the middle of a place where i'm
discussing all sorts of random things alongside of my glass
elevator thread. thanks for the help.

comparing that to sneaking it at 12am and turning the comp
sci lab into a beowulf cluster and utterly decimating the
problem i've been tasked with solving is a bit of a cheeky
metaphor. worse, it's dehumanizing.

the nicer way to say this is that, like lewis, a part of you
all is in me and a part of me is in you, and the rippling
feedback look in between us all is not merely a source of
perspective, it actively shapes what i'm perceiving. lovely.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-11 01:38 [#02503486]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

re: cache metaphor

i generate ideas faster than i can talk, let alone write.
new stuff rolls in and pushes those ideas out. if i had
lewis to ramble to, they'd stick, but i don't.

ramble-cache-writes have tiered costs: L1 ~ free. L2 ~
set-up of collecting lewis; then free L3 ~ 5-10 min per page
L4 ~ 10-30 min per 2048 characters.

i have to be more efficient about my cache writes. L4 ~
limit of N posts per XLT, in this case (1). edit. condense.
L2 ~ vocal dictation to simulate lewis? L1 ~ it's

I Jused Paperstack
while HikeThink
around trees
now i diagram

the subconscious mind is a lookup table of previous states.
into this, one pours data about states of states (studying
automatic driving) and this builds the ability to manipulate
states of states. then states of states of states...
subconcious becomes conscious of itself in layers.

i have to teach my unconscious mind how to control my
conscious mind before i can have proper control of my
unconscious mind. got that? ok.

stacks are required. writing things on paper has taken on an
odd feeling of my subconscious listening closely, so let's
give it instructions there. then again on XLT.

--working out ways to ~push~ stacks into my life
---->stored patterns of states of mind in which i am
thinking about my life in terms of stacks
--finding where they're used already

TREES -- visualize; practice; eventually notions will be
able to show a tree visual in addition to
words/voices/nonsense visual.

trees to keep me on-point. pick a root point. visualize the
sub-points. then iterate. when i've wandered off somewhere
and can't remember how i got there, go back to root, and
start over. thoughts become self-organizing structures that
will reliably generate sub-thoughts, simulating an ability
to remember more than i actually can. simultaneously improve
bandwidth to L3


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-11 04:23 [#02503488]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

then, it's rambling that got me here in the first place, and
i have a good one to cache for the lulz.

practicing actually speaking aloud, singing, etc. ties in
with all the voice layer coding abstractions, and rhythm,
breathing, words... yes, so, in persuit of this lofty layer
of nonsense, i'm just singing the word "helium" to various
songs. quickly rushing to skip one, declaring it had no
helium at all.

i'm mostly focusing on saying the word helium to the rhythm,
in tune, and so on. this spares me from having to distract
myself with lyrics, and it also gets pretty riffy. he -
le-um. heeeel. ee. uuuuuuhmmm. it gives the activity enough
structure that it's not just incoherent noises but it's
vague enough that it allows a measure of incoherent noises.
like the disc-scratchy noise i can make with my teef. then
that's mixing it up with helium, yea

then, obviously, after twenty minutes of this, i'm coming up
with heli-yum, nummy helium and bla bla bla. it strikes me
that i can pick any word and sing it to music for twenty
minutes a few times and i will just be able to riff that
word forever. enough words in my riff database and it will
start to melt into general riffing

only in the car do i go full singing. for the sake of my
neighbors, i keep it quiet in the pod. however, i do have a
song that i call "indoor trumpet" that i do loudly when my
neighbors are being dicks. it's a mouth trumpet and it is in
segments and clusters that allow me to pause jarring
intervals and swap out what they expect for the other
segments... it's essentially designed to troll people. it's
beautiful. another thing i did by accident

just quietly singing helium to myself in a corner and making
my indoor DJ scratchy tooth noises, yessir. except if there
be reason to raise my trumpet above unity


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-11 12:05 [#02503494]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

one of the toughest things for me (besides myself[the
joke{squarepusher}]) is
accepting that there are situations in life where there is
no clearly correct answer. i accept it in a rational sense,
but i still can't help picking at things to try and see if i
could have done better, if i could do better next round.

some guy tried to change lanes into me at 1am last night. i
snapped out of whatever, seeing it start to happen, hope
this doesn't keep doing. it does. shit shit shit horn. he
pretty much forces me into a turn lane for a moment, and
then whizzes ahead. if i had not seen him and reacted, he
would have hit me.

it's just one of those things -- and, shit, my reaction to
it saved my skin and my whip perfectly well. the other dude
did not even react to my horn. he's lucky there was a
cybernetics researcher behind the wheel; your average soccer
mom might not have reacted so crisply

but i'm still arguing with myself: did i do anything wrong?
could i have spotted it earlier? it's such a weird and nutty
driving almost-calamity that i half figure the guy was on
drugs or getting a blowjob while driving or something. it
reaches the point where i'm pitting my few indulgences
against this idiot and i realize i've already put way more
into analyzing it than he has

so, i should be just fine. but i worry. that's why


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-11 12:19 [#02503497]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

usually i would have been pissed. my brain was like: yes,
this flappy adrenaline crash, should we get pissed off now
and fly up after him? ...ugh. no. fuck that. i want to stay
as far away from that bastard as i can.

the difference between me at twenty-one and me at now is a
lot. i might not have saved my own behind. even if i did, i
would have gone ragequit on the sucka. my curiously strong
memory dutifully loads up all the stupid shit i did at
twenty-one, and none of this matches. this can't be. not
finding any mistakes at all makes me nervous. what'd i miss?
where did i screw up this time?

i didn't. the other guy did. you can be driving like captain
safety and still be taken out in half a second by a guy in a
tractor-trailer with a no-doz deficiency. this shit happens.
i have to firmly remind myself that i have permission to not
be at fault, and that some things are simply beyond my
control... or are they? pick pick pick at this crap. all
day. pity me.

shut up, brain. i can't stress about every freak accident
that i flawlessly dodged, right? if i did that, i'd turn
into ulillillia. getting a blue water notion! freak accident
imminent! retreat into a simulation to calculate probable
chance of survival. projected solution: adjust sock;
transmit tree diagram to evasive weasel


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-23 14:01 [#02504219]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

so, yes, i'll never be john carmack, david copperfield, or
david elsewhere, but i've realized there's still a pretty
good career to be had in being the behringer effects
that copy other fings. a sinoprodukt of the boss dd3, perhaps...
because that's the sort of pedal i find worth ripping off. i
can't remember if i figured out the
fractal-nee-squaretempo-input thing before or after i read
about it in an autechre interview; i genuinely can't. so
let's just keep that one for ourselves, and eventually we'll
be mistaken for david elsewhere in a parking lot. no, no,
i'm not him. it's just smooth enough that anyone who isn't
seriously into dancing as a discipline might make that sort
of mistake.

The word "hacker" has two very different meanings. The
people I knew who called themselves hackers were software
wizards who managed to creatively program their way out of
tight corners. They knew all the nooks and crannies of the
operating system. Not dull software engineers who put in
forty hours a week, but creative programmers who can't leave
the computer until the machine's satisfied. A hacker
identifies with the computer, knowing it like a friend.

Astronomers saw me that way. "Cliff, he's not much of an
astronomer, but what a computer hacker!" (The computer
folks, of course, had a different view: "Cliffs not much of
a programmer, but what an astronomer!" At best, graduate
school had taught me to keep both sides fooled.)
Cuckoo's Egg

i don't have to fool anyone on the hacker side, but the rest
take some homework


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-23 14:08 [#02504220]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

also proficient in houdini style, in which i subconsciously
brick an upgrade to my metaphor library into a recursive
peter molyneux joke. scroll, scroll... lol, wut? guess my
subconscious mind is bored of davids and onto the harrys.
that, or there's some big department store metaphor iceberg
t(r)ipping. let's suppose, though, that peter molyneux forms
a worst-case backstop, and not bother with kickstarter again
until we have it more thoroughly sorted. like, that other
david in china had this idea about the sinoproduckt of ken
stone's ripoff of buchla's thing that was something some
else did in the fifties. raymond scott invented it in
parallel, not knowing of this, as did delia bowlerhat an
leonerd theremin, and mark twain wrote a superb review of it


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-23 14:30 [#02504221]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

to summarize this thread's algorythmics:

-> this thread
 -> me
  -> the joke
   -> squarepusher
    -> squarepusher's simulation of
      -> peter molyneux
       -> this thread
        -> me
         -> the joke

iterate until the stack overflows, sign off of xlt, return
to calling function (nature).


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-23 20:51 [#02504263]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

the man who invented methoxetamine must be a bit fed up with
explaing himself. why do you have one arm? oh. how did you
convince the english government to supply you with ketamine?
what? for your ramachandrian mirrorbox deficiency?

I discovered a long time ago that ketamine and
cannabinoids helped my phantom hand. I’m quite convinced
these classes work by distorting body image so severely that
you phase out triggers for the pain. I have experienced
profound proprioceptive distortions after intramuscular PCP
injection, as if my whole body were a proportional model of
the sensory homunculus. But in a sense, what I feel is not
hallucination or a distortion, I actually find dissociatives
corrective, that is, they make the phantom disappear.

uh, ok... why did you feel you could do better than national
health's K?

Needless to say, the whole lot of it gets squirted up the
arse to bypass my taste buds, but even this has its
drawbacks… like sticky, sugary bum cheeks!

sticky butt cheeks? oh, of course.

now let's explain this to the cops. what's this pile of
insane writing on my computer? oh, that's what my therapist
told me to do

As I later found out, they also thought I’d tried to
commit suicide after finding some printed pages full of
vitriolic rants in a drawer next to my computer. It took
bloody ages for them to believe that the rants were written
years ago as a form of therapy where you put down your
feelings in writing in order to exorcise said feelings. It
was three weeks before I convinced them I was not a suicidal
maniac, but rather that I was a pharmacologist investigating
the structure-activity relationship of 3-methoxylated
arylcyclohexylamines… That was one they’d never heard

then, i'm sure, they asked about his arm again.

now let's patiently explain again, but to vice
magazine... in terms even rinzence can understand


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-24 20:03 [#02504295]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

back to 2012. moving into the house i'd be very productive
within until my bubble imploded. take my first listen to
mouse on mars. radical connector. love that album. i've been
playing it again recently... i mean, heck, they said this
album focuses on voice, right? seems like the right time to
get back into it...

multiple little mind blown moments. my little mind is blown
a little further MOMents. like noticing a voice quietly
saying "aphasia!" off to the side in the last track on the

i'll make up nonsense words -- chiouxsoughaesphuel -- and
then sit there, my OCD driving me words, because i can't get
the spelling right. yes, this total nonsense i've made up?
spelled wrong. i can feel it. this isn't right. goddamn it.
play with the letters... some have literally haunted me for

so deeply familiar with that, really, but only when i try to
type it up on an internet message board... fumbling for a
way to describe the feeling... shit, what is that.... it's
something else too...

oh, aphasia. "it's on the tip of my tounge..." when you
can't grab the word you want out of your brain, even though
you know full well it's there.

i got aphasia-feeling when the notion-layer was tapping its
foot, annoyed with my conscious mind for not being quick
enough to respond to a notion.

last night i realized: shit, that's deja vu, too. that's
also aphasia. i'm not quite sure i'd call my analysis
fantastic; it's more compulsive.

then i've only listened to RC and Idiology. i put on
idiology and there's the rambling verbal monologue on The
One, how it's one of those weasel words that creates a blind
spot in language...

i feel like MOM has been chatting about all this since the
turn of the century. dammit. there's good data in there, and
they're probably too famous to respond to a rambling email
about this all

a compromise: why have i only listened to two of their
albums? i torrented the whole discography through

varchar(255) like in SQL? mis-spelling of german w


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-24 20:13 [#02504296]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

ordz for "war charts" says wikipedia. my german is only
slightly better than a natural-born german downie, but is
that towards "battle plans?" i was more thinking "fill in
the blank" until that. e.g. the track has a complex
structure, but it's off to the side, and you're only aware
of it when they actively navigate around... two mice lost in
a martian cheese maze... mice on mars

then i wander over to the wiki for parawotsit and the
thumbnail of the cover is all: MOM!

oh, shit, the vulvaland video. them being born in the same
hospital on the same day... yeah, go figure. since 2011 or
so, i've mistaken a crude anatomical joke and assumed it was
something from one of my AI classes again. this happens to
me a lot

i mollify myself by allowing the presumption that the name
is multiple things at once, and, alright, we weren't wrong,
we just had a leaf node of the joke tree when we thought we
had the root

then there's also something in the stuff the internet spits
out... it looks like a technical schematic for a couch fort,
with music gear inside. blanket over it; geodesic bucky dome
is too much effort. then video projectors outside, blasting
light relevant to the output of the music machines all over
the skin of the couch fort, surrounding the occupants in a
synaesthetic bubble. wires go out to the computer, the man
selling powerful drugs visits the couch fort and leaves with
a pocket full of folding space


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-24 20:24 [#02504298]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

next, it's clearly time to look up "aphasia" on wikipedia.
i've been slapping the word about for weeks; maybe i've
gotten this as wrong as your MOM jokes.

wikipedia says: no, you had it more or less right. there's
"anomia" for not finding the right word, specifically...
now: damage, damage, damage.

science would seem to view aphasia as something that does
not occur in healthy minds. fair enough; if i regularly had
trouble finding words i'd get myself to a doctor.

but i don't. i get it here and there: that... word. ugh.

you know what happens then? i dig the fuck in. i find a
comfy place to sit and relentlessly dredge through my mind
until i dig it back up. i will not let this shit go.

i do the same thing sometimes, when i lose my train of
thought: something, something, BOOM, shit, what was i just
thinking about? it was good, i want it back, this is un.
fucking. acceptable. i have actually developed a whole
toolbox of techniques for this.

trains of thought follow linear time, and my first-line of
attack is to ask myself: what was i thinking about before
the thing i forgot? i can always find something a few steps
back. alright, there's our start... then, what did i jump to
when i lost it... alright... and, now, i have a trajectory,
from a thought i knew came before, to the point just after i
lost the thing i want. usually, at this point, i can just
re-think a bit and... oh, right, of course!

there's nineteen pages on yugo somewhere about all this. how
it's like all the memory is there, but you've lost the
address. without a C++ pointer indicating the right neural
junction, you can feel its presence, but you can't get to
it. yeah, this is also aphasia.

losing my train of thought results in a less acute form of
aphasia that i have learned to systemically circle around
and strangle until i have it back. nonsense words (spelled
wronk) give me the same frustration.

alright, neuroscience, we're throwing you off of kesey's
bus. this happens plenty in healthy minds


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-24 20:34 [#02504299]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

this leads us to a moment in the early AMs, last night /
this morning. as is often the case, i could lead you to the
exact spot i had the thought. it's nowhere near universal,
but i have an unusually strong ability to remember where i
was when i had a particular thought, or learned a word like
myriad. to properly explain how much data i have on learning
the word myriad, i would have to take you back to the school
building, then the specific room... next, we'll have to
arrange the furniture as it was when i learned the word
myriad... ok... yes, now, here, i was sitting here. this
chair. the vocab workbook... i can tell you about that.
grody plastic slip cover. brownish color scheme on the
actual cover.... but, as years go by, the details go
aphasia. i ask myself "in the list of 20 vocab words for the
week, was it towards the top or the bottom?" and... yes,
there's the feeling. dammit. i can't remember.

i know when i'm going too far, though, and i'ma let that one
go. however, i'm willing to bet i may have been able to
remember it five or ten years ago. another thing about
having a really good memory is that you are keenly aware
when you've lost something. that's normal enough, i figure,
but most people won't get furious about it, and refuse to
let themselves get up to pee until they've figured it out.


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-24 20:49 [#02504300]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

i was mulling. fretting, even. i've let this die down,
because, well, i need to get the bills paid. i'm so terribly
nervous it will all drift off on me, and it'll be some
flowers for the algermon. should i worry about this? it's
not that far back; it's not too late...

the notion layer cut into my train of thought, at this
point: don't worry, it's all in there. in ways you don't
even understand yet....
ellipses. a sense like a
professor got up to the blackboard in my brain and said
ELLIPSES, whap, slaps the blackboard with a 3-foot pool cue
turned pointing stick.

these things are totally getting heavier. it used to be:
"yes", "no", "turn right"... then, moments of epic
breakthrough: "listen to the rhythms." very terse. like
twitter, it doesn't have the space to be verbose.

now i'm starting to hear a tone of voice, and my
subconscious mind seems to have hijacked the way i'll use
ellipses to express itself. the subconscious mind can only
express itself through the tapestry of things the conscious
mind understands, and so this makes perfect sense. a bit of
my writing consciousness was wired into the notion neurons,
and now the notions and pointedly drop an ellipses to more
clearly express itself.

the real trip, though, was when i followed the ellipses. why
is it darting after that? tugging at the leash, like a dog
that just spotted a squirrel? well, it's probably
informationally upstream.... let's chase that squirrel.

what it led to was this: the crazy siphon i started is older
than this XLT thread. this thread is where it went from idle
amusement to serious discipline, and i lazily assumed this
thread was the start of a good many things. but, no, the
ellipses leads back to last march. yugo thread ID#2001.
that was just luck... but, yes, in there, you'll find the
same stuff as in here. except, it reads better, because it's
edited. there's also less depth, because it's edited


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-24 20:56 [#02504301]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

anyways, yes, this all helps. the notions are getting better
at explaining themselves. all of this is very, very deep in
my brain. deeper than i can even understand.... ellipses. i
felt the need to write that part up, but now that i've
written it up, the rest can wait. i have to work, get the
dollars, and now that i can trust this will stick, i might
actually be able to keep my mind on the job


offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2016-09-24 23:31 [#02504306]
Points: 24822 Status: Addict

a spare but important thought that's just cropped up:
hypertext provides valuable sanity relief via allowing me to
condense a load of unweildy blather into a single link (at
the end of which is a more weild-y pocket of blather). a
reader can hop in, and, well, it's still a mess, but a
little patience exploring the structure, clicking on links,
and the whole thing starts to click a bit more.

this is analagous to neural connections between metaphors.
so, what about weighted hyperlinks? this connection
is: strong, medium, weak....

what about hyperlinks that go to more than one place? split
a word up and link the letters, or split a phrase up and
link the word fragments...

then, go further into the meta, and have hyperlinks that
link to an organized structure of hyperlinks.... yes, that's
the thing i was looking to have the computer generate for
me, once i'd entered enough data for things to spiral


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