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i am also immensely thrilled to have a model of the mechanism that's both simple and accurate, because it immediately directs my approach down more functional avenues. i'm a daydreamer. i'll get deep into coding, writing, talking... any number of things... and my brain is effectively disconnected from my body. the more time i spent in this state, the more it became home, so to speak. my brain slips into abstract meandering like a needle slipping into a record groove. the thought triggers a small grenade of computation. a cloud of maybe collapses down into a sphere of possible branches to other thoughts. if i'm just cruising on a highway, my consciousness will keep cycling around abstract metaphors and unconscious habits drive the car just fine. if there's a red blip on the sphere's surface that means "red light," then my structure of unconscious habits reacts by switching conscious focus back to reality. i used to have an issue, driving: zoning out, red light! shit! brakes! my brain is just so used to the abstract metaphor churn that, once i'd consciously learned how to drive past a point, my mind began to ignore most of it. it knew when it was time to stop, but the state transition -- context switch -- was slow and laggy. the jarring nature of a moment like that made it sink in enough to keep me alive, and stopped there. driving to music caused all my music neurons to fire along with my driving neurons, and they started to connect to each other. rhythm bled into the automatic driving circuits, and this allowed me to transition back from dreams to reality in a much more crisp, brisk manner. driving in time to music forces everything to take turns, gate, multiplex... essentially, i learned to make driving decisions in time to music. once my automatic driving could keep time to a beat, my thoughts began to hear the tempo as well, and this began to make me conscious of how my attention was getting switched around in the first place. |
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the neurons for moving faders on a mixer had glued themselves into part of what went on when i squinted at the motion of the cars in the lanes ahead of me. driving and music were firing together, and the more that happens, the more things connect back and forth. by the time this happened, i'd stopped having those jarring transitions in and out of reality. nine months after, i'd say. that moment of: faders? no... what? was delightful and weird. even better was the notion that things from driving could potentially leak back out in the same way. driving used to be broken in the way a lot of my life is, and it's fixed, and, yes, more, please. then i have a moment where the mechanism that fixed the "red light" problem while driving interconnects itself with the part of my brain that rambles on forever because i've forgotten i'm talking. exactly what i hoped was possible. even more beautiful, i caught it in the act. becoming conscious of that process is unarguably huge, because if i can learn to deliberately direct that, i'm a peg closer to deliberately controlling my whole train of thought. complete focus of intent... complete focus requires a highly tuned mechanism to decide when to break focus and deal with something else. more immediately, i understand that the glueing happens when i use a particular set of things at the same time, consistantly. anything is multitaskable as long as you have enough conscious experience with it. multitasking itself is a weird thing where driving and music come together to create drivingmusic. i have to learn drivingmusic like i did driving and music: just another skill to hone. once you start to do lots of multitasking, though, those synergistic meta-skills begin to come a lot more quickly. |
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dreams are there to seed the conscious mind with a mess of symbols and puzzles. your first conscious thoughts spiral into your next conscious thought, and so on. throughout the day, the spiral grows larger and larger. the symbols dreams have seeded you with leap out immediately and direct your conscious train of thought, which directs your actions... and the results direct your dreams. every day, you are building a pyramid. the mind feeling groggy is exactly the same as your muscles feeling stiff and weak. this is why it's a good idea to stretch in the morning: hard to do much when your body is moving like a wooden goat. i've come to realize that directing daily spiral of activity is extremely important. meditate and stretch first thing, and those circuits are primed and active. connecting to your other circuits throughout the day. watch archer in the morning? your circuits are now interconnecting to find the perfect moment to yell: "phrasing!" the results of that moment, should it come, interconnect, and on you go. so, yes, morning ritual is crucial. i need to warm up my meditative skills, then my body... then, next thing, i need to get in the car. let the car warm up for a few minutes. let myself warm up. walk my mind around, settling my body in the seat. correcting all the zillion sloch-y things and bad tensions i'm trying to fix. re-re-clearning my mind. then i need to drive. to music. fast, at first: a ridiculous bolt of acceleration drags the blood to the back of my brain. i have come to value this like a morning cup of coffee. after that, though, i need to switch down as much as possible. focus on keeping my head as clear as i can. letting driving drive itself... consciously aware of it, but not directing it. with all that warmed up, the drivingmusic neurons are primed to begin gluing themselves into everything else further, and this is slightly preferable to archer memes. |
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then there's the realities of life. last month was freaking mental. one of those times when the gates break loose and so much is happening at once. i fell way behind on my exercise, primarily because i was busy, but also because i was exhausted. i really, really began to notice. i literally felt slower. laggier. this raises an important point: if skills are not actively used, they fade off into the gestalt. they are still there, but increasingly vague. sort of like how something you haven't done in years will come back to you rather quickly, but it's still quite fumbly compared to back when you were actively using the skill. exercise, dancing to music... that's where it started to interconnect with driving. i was in good enough shape to start dancing more thoroughly, and i loved it. i threw myself into it to keep myself out of the drink, more or less. enough time away from booze and i didn't need to distract myself to moderate myself, but i kept at the dancing because it was very satisfying. then driving started to become a thing..... pretty much, rhythm is probably deepest, most fundamental skill. then, your body is the next layer. dancing gets both going, but does not replace stretching, just as dancing is no substitute for straight-up meditation. driving is built on all of this except music. drivingmusic adds in music. then, on top of that, i have a whole slew of multitasking things i do in the car. when i was too busy to exercise like i usually did, i felt the whole system sag. just like a physical structure, without strong supporting systems for load-bearing, the roof starts to sag a little... |
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you have to regularly poke these things to keep them active, current, and strong. the more dialed in it is, the less of a poke it takes. if i dance two hours, every day, for a month, and then miss a day... things are more or less the same when i get to it the day after that. if i miss a week, though, it's quite noticible. if you dance every day for a year, a week might not take much out of you... but, you better get back to it after that, because the discipline you put in for a year may largely float off inside of a month if you stop completely. this dictates strategy: it is important to do all the things every day. to reconcile this with the realities of life, scale down the amount when necessary. even if a day is mental, i should take five or ten or twenty minutes to dance, because that will stem the bleeding. same for meditation, driving, stretching... do them all, every day, even if it's just five minutes. if i feel something lag, put more of that limited time into it. if everything's maintaining, put more of that limited time into what i want to develop. in general, that limited time should be divvyed up in proportion to how important the skill is, except when something starts to sag... then, no, let's not lose ground, scale the rest back and take care of it... it was so incredibly frustrating to feel that edge begin to dull simply because i was dilligently taking care of lots of drudgery that hit at once. i am immensely relieved to be able to have enough time to take care of all these things, once again... but, yes, it's clear i need a strategy for situations like that. a serpentine belt is a good analogy, but perhaps a load-balancer is a better one. |
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HMV.com: geo- or ge-: Earth: geocentric. gaddi n : a cushion on a throne for a prince in India I'm not close at all, am I? Marcus: Hehe, no. It can have several meanings. We have our own definite idea of it, a combination of words that describe an idea we had at the time of writing it, but we want listeners to make their own minds up. : minds up uranus: ultra squarepusher edition |
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Think about those 18 million seconds of random videos as a painter's color palette. A painter sees a red rose in real life and tries to reproduce the color using the different kinds of reds available in his palette, combining them to match what he's seeing. The software is the painter and the 18 million seconds of random video is its color palette. It analyzes how the brain reacts to certain stimuli, compares it to the brain reactions to the 18-million-second palette, and picks what more closely matches those brain reactions. Then it combines the clips into a new one that duplicates what the subject was seeing. Notice that the 18 million seconds of motion video are not what the subject is seeing. They are random bits used just to compose the brain image. science - science - |
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every time you think of glue, it changes your brain forever. the change can be measured in blood voxels by scientists with a $500k MRI machine, but not by shadowy government organizations from orbit. |
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science - yes, ok, here's science saying the same thing i said with youtube videos instead of macaroni a few years before i said it. nothing too miraculous but it's nice to know the weasels are on course |
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succinctly explaining somplethling complex has a lot in common with giving someone directions. there are certain ambiguities that are crucial to avoid (turn left at the fork) but they are vastly outnumbered by certain ambiguities that are crucial to avoid avoiding (turn left at the fork, there's a spot on the bricks that looks like the virgin mary, i had a cup of coffee there once). less in number than both the former and the latter are ambiguities that are crucial to address, e.g. to avoid avoiding avoiding (turn left at the second fork). sometimes, though, you're just fucked, and you have to spell it all out (turn left at the piece of discarded cutlery lying in the hallway for no discernable reason). if you see what i did there, you'll see how i got here -- strewing cutlerly about an imaginary dingy medieval hallway i'm imagining just to prove a point: spoons don't exist |
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feedback loops that have been developed over time can get rather intricate and i generally have no idea exactly what's going on myself. |
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is more or less a churning mess of unexpected intolerables that would severely annoy whoever designed any of these noisemakers. it is incredibly unpredictable yet controllable. ununaffordable. absolutely not unpoorhadable. it's sort of like japanese ink painting with the inherent error in the machinery. it is a third-person, singular neuter pronoun (nominative (subjective) case and oblique (objective) case) in modern english and bad english. |
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C-C-Combo breaker! |
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B-B-belllol breakster |
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a joint is rolled. helium settles. the bic lighter features a amateurish print in the style of magritte; a pickle. where are my "for recal use only" stickers? i can't find them my mate laughed at that alot |
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Additionally, Levitin reveals that the phrase "paying attention" is scientifically true. Multitasking comes at an actual metabolic cost: switching back and forth between tasks burns a lot more oxygenated glucose (the fuel the brain runs on) than focusing on one task does, and can lead quickly to mental exhaustion. |
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my wordballin' thunders deep under rolling hard sometimes sorta, you know what i mean, and they nod. they seem like they sunderpand. nut day beuxont. no habla deutschematrix. i've swapped some letters and then only faux fronch will do and we're into german and then use a run as a punway to landown my over complicated snense of puma. too nuanced for your nose. smell letters for miles i'll use words that are not real words (like "complexicated") and people will think i misspoke: "oh, he meant complicated." no, i didn't. i said complexicated because i meant complexicated. you've decided this is impossible and my bit of word silliness has been banhammered from your reality because your conscious mind decided it was easiest to gloss over the fissure i've torn in your sense of language this leads to something that's so incredibly weird and actually kind of bothers me: i'll say "complexicated" or something, and people really, really do not hear it: i'll say, "tell me what i just said" and they'll say, "you said it was complicated." and i'll say, "no, i said it was complexicated." and they say, "that's what i said!" exasperated. aaaaugh. that's what i said. no it's not. my mind explodes. how is this not working eventually, i remembered a thing i concluded years ago: listening is an active process. the mind actively interprets things in terms of itself. complexicated is not in this person's wordcabulary. complicated is. so they hear complicated. complicated. no, complicated. dammit! complicated! next i realized: i can do this to myself, deliberately. listen to someone talk, down the hall. just out of earshot. transcribe it and it comes out like a riced out yugo post. it's mad. keep it complexicated d8dz0rsx |
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if you ever catch me moaning people don't understand me i probably mean it in a literal, technical sense: my nuances are being actively filtered out and disregarted. i am not being completely heard. i feel like i'm trying to explain calculus to a hamster. hamsters understand sphere if you call it "hamster ball" and that's about as far as we get. it goes both ways, though. i don't fucking understand calculus either |
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fnords the wards mates don't ear and it's way beyond the funk that notes don't |
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bird's the words mates hear and it's way beyond the words you don't say |
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the word is in the bird you don't word. the bird is funk. this forms a closed system of charming nonsense that i would encourage you to snake up like a snow globe |
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Do hamster know they're called hamster balls? |
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you tell me hamster |
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No, they don't, Nevan. |
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alonza james nevan, bassist line for the hamster ball shakers |
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The agency pored over data on Tesla crashes in which air bags were deployed while Autopilot was engaged. Many of the crashes, NHTSA said, involved “driver behavior factors,” including distraction, driving too fast for conditions and “mode confusion,” when a car and the driver share driving tasks. mode confusion! i finally have a science-grade term for the moment when my brain confused highway lanes and mixer faders. and other moments of that sort |
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once you learn to drive a car well enough, you can hold a conversation while driving. daydream through the whole commute. i recommend tearing apart this process. so much of the mind is on autopilot. it's been said [citation needed] that we repeat patterns that are familiar to us, even if they are painful. familiar. famillliliar. yes, your family gives you lots of patterns, you find those patterns familiar, then you repeat them and make more families familiar with familiar patterns. it's been a crazy season. snowed in, everyone was at their worst for a bit, and that's when all the deeply fucked-up shit comes out to play. then, later, i'm data mining it all. it is amazing how much it makes sense to me. stupid irrational shit is actually not stupid irrational shit -- it's me pattern-matching the situation to old familiar patterns. my brain says: oh! yes! i know this! it's a familiar system! and them i'm spouting out things that are more or less scripted arguments i had with my parents countless times. to someone who is not my parents. welcome to the mind: autopilot from hell |
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this is what you get when you let weasels drive your tesla. |
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circa four weeks ago :: written the pen of hindsight : it's pretty hard to ignore your own brain digesting itself, but without a half-digested brain, communication is banana flap fly NOpe nope flap. flap i have had such meltdowns repeatedly throughout my life. there were varying stages not worth talking about: assuming it would pass with age, fixing simple problems, fixing complicated problems, metaprogramming 2.0, peter molynuex, ... , p , until we get to this: it's like i am a start-up company rapidly running out of money. the slow agonizing march to ultimate doom can be pinned down to a calendar date.... but, wait, crap, if we just sell everything that's not nailed down, we can buy another two days.... two days later, some people get fired... and on we go. the lost equipment and disappropriated employees leave gaping holes in the infrastructure holding up an already fragile situation. eventually, these desperate compromises lead to a sudden, unexpected disaster that takes everything out two weeks before it was originally predicted the cash would run out... this time was no less ugly than any of the other umpteen times, but i've gotten progressively better at tearing the progression of this crap apart. in my peak-meltdown state, everything annoys me. i am a bundle of raw nerves. today, lewis asked me if a song was bothering me: "should i skip this song?" he wasn't wrong to ask: the song was, indeed, one i hated. also this: four weeks ago, i would brutally veto pandora tracks until pandora cried. or, well, until lewis shut it off. i hadn't even noticed it was on. this was the moment of zen: the key factor is my ability to filter out unwanted signals. instead of a song i hate annoying the piss out of me, i manage to remain completely unaware it is even playing. that's me when i'm doing good. when i'm in meltdown, even peoples' footsteps are too loud. i can't maintain a coherent train of flap thought flap for more than a few flap stomp seconds STOMP augh |
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its moments of clarity like this that makes this thread worthwhile |
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i wouldn't have those moments without this thread or this board. thanks. |
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a lot of my problem is the classic "hurry up and wait" attitude that people describe when asked why they meditate: "the store is closing in twenty minutes! shit! panic! drop everything! ...wait, i don't actually need to go to the store." i am doing that sort of thing to myself constantly. on all different levels of scale... and i think that's the problem. there are plenty of events in life that really, really do warrant that sort of attitude: "the kitchen's on fire! drop everything! get the fire extinguisher!" some situations do kind of need the "hurry up and wait" attitude. most don't, though. i know this, but that doesn't help me much. lord help me if i actually sit down to try and sort out the deeper logistical issues in my life, because any one of those has about sixteen individual sub-issues for me to panic about. i'll get through two or three of those before i'm totally off the map thanks to my brain whipping around in the wind. i can manage laundry alright but i'm deeply nervous about looking at what i'm in for when it comes to taxes and health insurance. i think my insurance has lapsed, actually. i know i should sort it out. but trying to think about it right now seems like a bad idea, since i'll run off on myself in a tizzy of anxiety and stressing over irrelevant sub-details. so now i am in the position of deliberately avoiding something that got bad through casual procrastination because i know it's too ugly and full of bad news for me to successfully navigate. no, instead, i have to go meditate, exercise, clear my mind, and this will be nagging at me as i do so |
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clarity is a difficult thing. the process of trying to describe what's going on in my mind is itself a process that changes what's going on my mind. consequently, in trying to explain myself, i doubt i'll ever escape feeling like a youtube video that keeps stalling and buffering. what does youtube do? lower the quality. 720p goes away and you're at 360p. then 240p. it stalls less but you can't tell my hand apart from the SK-1.... i hate dumbing things down. it's wont to backfire and create more complexity. my go-to line is to say i'm "exercising" when it's more technically meditation. a mash-up of osho and step aerobics and being a david elsewhere fan.... but, no, that's peter molyneux. who's david elsewhere? what's osho? i don't understand then people get on me for dumbing it down, on the flip side: "what are you doing?" "oh, i'm exercising" *five minutes pass* "i thought you were exercising, why have you been kneeling perfectly still for five minutes" "i'm meditating" "but i thought you were exercising" stab. |
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exercising by me also includes: boxing footwork, yoga, gym class stretches, making odd noises to resonate my vocal cavity (the feedback helps me make sure my posture is correct and seems to release oxytocin [or something] if i do it long enough). part of meditation is mediting in my car. exercise is also driving. fuck, let's try this: you could understand, but i doubt you want to. you simply don't have the mental endurance to handle it. leave me alone. let me exercise in peace |
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perhaps this is more polite: we all form billions of neural connections every day, and this is what i need to do to make the most of them. |
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hi, guys. i really have to pee. i was sitting here, studying maps of the area, when i began to have to pee. "i should go pee," i think idly. but i keep browsing maps. the second time i notice i have to pee, i notice that i've noticed this before and gotten distracted. third time, i'm officially curious: why am i still browsing maps? then i see it: "oh, there's one of my blind spots." i drive in loops around the hood regularly and some of them have gotten so dug-in that i'm blind to the roads that lead to more roads and i say to myself: there have to be more roads. this makes no sense. browsing maps, i spotted one of these blind spots. then i see it: "i didn't want to pee because i had to spot my blind spot in my ability to spot blind spots." next i said: "this is helluva bootstrap. trunkstrap? whatever, i have to post this" now i have to pee. badlee |
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confuseus say confuseus say confuseus is just a delay |
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so had me digging around in a plastic bin full of books last week. i was looking for "Intrinsic Motivation and Self-Determination In Human Behavior" by Deci 'n' Ryan along with a textbook called "Close Relationships" on close relationships, or something. i was out to lunch semester; grades went to shit because i was more interested in writing music in my dorm room. the class on motivation/self-determination, though, caught my eye and i wrote some mad tear of a term paper. consequently, i remember loads from that class, and almost nothing from the class on close relationships. closed book relationships i also found a copy of "flatland." i've never read this, but i intend to as soon as i get a good moment. probably this week sometime... i have so much trouble explaining myself to people and this book seems apropos then i found "photoreading" by herr doktor paul r. scheele. it makes outrageous claims of "25,000 words per minute" (cite: chapter one, page two, opening sentence). i bought the book because i'd illegally pirated his audio book classes off XDCC IRC bots in, mmm, 2001, we'll call it. i had yet to even try to meditate, but i was a lump in a chair all day with my brain jacked into a computer all day so it seemed proper matrix enough for my personality. i gave it a shot and promptly got nowhere now i've found it in a bin after years of dedicated practice with meditation, tai chin qi gong gin lsd whatever. yes, i think i am better equipped for this, now, and i should take another look at it with my updated sphere of context(s). |
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reading about speed reading led me to attempt to apply the techniques i was reading about to the things i was reading about, as i read them. arguably, this worked, and it still is. fragment one: subvocalization. lewis has repeatedly mentioned this and i'd been meaning to research it. now, here it is, right up in front of the article about speed reading. just like scheele's 25k fragment two: chunking. i first heard this in 2003 and i loved it. i use it all the time. fragment three: eye movement, gaze. i read through the bits on this and got very excited, because i already figured some of this out from studying how i drive my car. i think most people can consciously navigate around their field of vision to varying degrees -- i can fix my eyes and tune into my peripheral vision. as a drivier, peripheral vision is fucking essential. i can also defocus my eyes and motion jumps out at me more. i think that one is less common fragment four: ~ tactical methods to lay down neural connections in order to accelerate the accurate storage and recall of information. yes, this seems like my jawn |
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there are all these science grade studies that state something like, "thinking about music activates the same areas of the brain hearing music does." they stick someone into an MRI and have them listen to or think of music, scan the brain, publish a paper... recently, i found out what it is the MRI is actually measuring: blood flow in the brain. it generates voxels (3D pixels) colored like a heat map (heck, it IS a 3D heat map) and this is what scientists write papers on. first, the science check: a year or two ago it was discovered that the voxels were wrong a certain percentage of the time. really, really wrong. the answer was that the voxel software had a computer bug and all sorts of papers and theories and careers got based around this bug, and, well, lol. you need to take these fings with a voxel of salt. always previously: as i've said: every time you think of glue, it . hearing or reading a word fires off a small grenade of computation (super, sniffing, hell of a day to quit sniffing) etc etc. and read the post for all that. thus ~ thought directly effects blood flow in the brain. by thinking about anything, you route blood to it. this is a bit icky, in a strange way, innit? in any case, it gives real context to my "grenade of comuptation" analogy. they say "thought is fluid" and now i wonder if the nature of thought is entangled with fluid dynamics. you think of "glue" and your brain begins loading up related words and concepts. the idea is that "glue" is relevant, so things relevant to glue are likely to be relevant, and so one needs to get the red stuff to those areas of the brain promptly. squirt |
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how long can neurons stay charged without a blood recharge to their cell block? do they have to soak a while? my approach to this "mind" thing is top-down. i close my eyes and study what's going on. i tried reading a neurology textbook, once, and, well, ouch. that's not my speed, really. my speed is hacking and reverse-engineering. studying the responses of a black box.... so, i'm just stabbing at wolves in the dark. my ideas are just filtered computer science: different levels of stored energy in precise spots would work super as a data-storage method, right? so if you can leave billions of neurons charged (or not charged) in precise patterns the data would remain in stasis until it is read, and then it would be changed forever. possibly gone. more or less, that's how DRAM works |
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this thread has no funk whatsoever |
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lots of my life is stared off into space as my mind pingpongs around various thingks. i'm listening to "polygon" and that gets me to thinking about my cartoon show, which was inspired by "polygon" in 2012 or something. i have a reasonably solid idea, a chase scene sort of thing, alright, added to the pile. then the song is getting me emotional and the train of thought goes wander-y: a few thingks i'll skip, then i'm interviewing myself. next i'm thinking about the blue man group guy's "following your bliss" quip. then i'm thinking about the time i saw blue man group and a school friend lost his glasses in the wave of toilet paper they unleash at the end of the show. i wonder if i thought of this because he thought of me? this is a turning point: my rambly train of thought -- wandering around like a drunk hobo -- has wandered into a question about itself. self-referential shit trips the weasel matrix and i more or less do a stack dump on the whole rambly arc of thought. like three minutes of random thinking, idle and directionless, and now i can sit here and figure out how one thought got to the next. i got to interviewing myself because something i thought of about my cartoon show thing was a bit wrong. without deciding to, i dredged up some imaginary interviewer who began asking me questions that forced me to dig out the wrong. then i was more or less off the cartoon thing and into philosophy, and that led to and that led to an idle memory of seeing blue man group, and no, this is not some synchronicity shit, you just wandered into this memory because you're listening to polygon while high anyone else have these moments? no? ok. |
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this thread has no funk whatsoever i take all the posts with absolutely no funk that i was about to post in other xlt threads and post them here instead. this thread is sort of like the tree mr. burns was shoving the toxic waste into |
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here is how today has been: i slept like crap. i get up because i really have to poop. i get dressed and reach for the doorknob... and my roommate pops out of his room, ducks into the bathroom. there is not another bathroom. my response was something walter sobchak; godDAMMIT. then i get ahold of myself; let it go. stand and wait for a few minutes. let that go, too. poop. finally if that had been the end of it, i'd be alright... but, no, things have continued in that vein all day. maybe i'll take a show- wham, someone else has it. jeez, fine.... eventually i do get to the shower and it's suddenly scalding hot. roommate put on wash. i am covered in soap scuzz and even turning the hot water off entirely does not make it unburn-y. i scream fuck a few dozen times and get out to find i don't have any towels because i haven't been able to do laundry all fucking weedkend because of other people's fucking horseshit and now i can't do laundry and i'm burned and naked and dripping with soap scuzz and i have no towel and i cannot take this shit. i cannot even get laundry done. i am somewhere between wanting to scream and wanting to cry. about all i can manage is to keep my bad mood to myself. hide. completely unable to get anything done. learning to run my brain backwards and find out exactly how i got to a given point has been a big help but i'm at a loss here |
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no, no, i actually do understand this, somewhat. i just can't remember that until i've had a smoke and calmed down... i : dreams are there to seed the conscious mind with a mess of symbols and puzzles. your first conscious thoughts spiral into your next conscious thought, and so on. throughout the day, the spiral grows larger and larger. the symbols dreams have seeded you with leap out immediately and direct your conscious train of thought, which directs your actions... and the results direct your dreams. every day, you are building a pyramid. the mind feeling groggy is exactly the same as your muscles feeling stiff and weak. this is why it's a good idea to stretch in the morning: hard to do much when your body is moving like a wooden goat. i've come to realize that directing daily spiral of activity is extremely important. the first thing that happened to me was more or less how the day continued, alright. that still doesn't make me feel much better |
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me waking up and getting dressed probably woke my roommate up and he had to go when he woke up. he did his laundry after taking a shower, so i got screwed over twice. clashing rhythms. that sounds distantly possibly... shit. i've been working so hard to get on a normal schedule. up early, bed early. it requires lots of exercise. my body does not want to cooperate at all, and i more or less have to tire myself out completely. brutally. i'm either exercising or tired, for the last week or so. now that i'm on a normal schedule, i'm bumping into other people on a normal schedule. the answer is to get up at 5am or some brutal shit like that so i can get my show on the road before everyone's up to turn me into a gibbering wreck |
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me waking up and getting dressed probably woke my roommate up and he had to go when he woke up. he did his laundry after taking a shower, so i got screwed over twice. clashing rhythms. that sounds distantly possibly... i think it's easy to understand how this sort of shit can make one paranoid. if you don't take a moment to sit there to calm down; rationalize it out, it's very easy to say, "they're all inconsiderate jerks! heck, they're doing this on purpose! just to be dicks" then you say: no, no, i'm just mad... but after six or so spare days like that in a month, the door cracks open, and you start to feel like it's deliberate... from that point, all incoming data increasingly is matched to the question "is this deliberate or not?" and increasingly the answer is yes and and embarassing number of times i've wound up screaming at people over bullshit. from what i gather, most people don't have a good enough memory to notice these patterns and consequently don't flip a fucking flap. i've had to adapt and actively make time in my schedule to sit down and untangle the messes i regularly think myself into... because if i don't, the spiral goes nowhere good. |
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one of my roommates has a little music box and he enjoys doing a little silence of the lambs routine with it. he's had a few drinks and i hear that wind-up melody sneaking up and i think: oh, boy, here we go again... he knocks on my door. he winds the music box and i watch for a moment. this is at least the third time he's done this. does he even realize this? does he think he's doing it to me for the first time? he's had a few drinks and it's entirely possible. "you're going to tell me about how you snuck up on some chinese tourists doing that next, right?" i ask. his jaw drops. how did i know that? alright... no, i don't think he remembers doing that to me three times before. welcome to my life: where my whole reality is out of sync with people because i remember all sorts of nonsense |
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~ say that five times fast Granule-cell to Purkinje-cell synapses or gcPc synapses are the junctions that form the synapse in the cerebellum between granule cells and Purkinje cells.[1] These synapses are thought to be a storage site for the information that is required for motor coordination and their misfunctioning is involved with some movement disorders.[2] Glutamate is the neurotransmitter. great. first, the author of this article expands the unweildy name of this thing into an even more unweildy sentence... then, some sweeping, deeply significant claims that are totally unexplained, unsubstantiated... oh! there's a reference [2], let's see what that is... "Properties of unitary granule cell-->Purkinje cell synapses in adult rat cerebellar slices.". Journal of Neuroscience. 22 (22): 9668–78. November 2002. PMID 12427822." i don't have access to JSTOR. i'd have to pay to get a PDF of this. then i wouldn't understand it at all. sometimes i really hate wikipedia |
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