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 (nobody)...and 68 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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so i was listening to, er... DJ SHARPNEL [sic] - RAVE20000009.ogg and i am dancing in my socks -- which are on correctly -- in my impossible hotel situation, when my right big toe just. popped. back. in and i thot: shit. i don't know the details, but i am contractually obligated to post this to zityziltyxlt |
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Q: How many tracks can you play at the same time? A: Yes. gew = few rad ´92 entranced, i would spaz to this on a live set. |
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ooh ooh yes before that, play BUBBLE-B KAWASAKI BOMBASTIC.ogg broyo |
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Remember there was this I think asian guy on youtube, and he would kind of talk about depressing things or the messed up system but then would work an advertisement into his depressing talk in a humorous way? |
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What is... this thread? ...and all my science ramblings, etc? I think I can explain it ~ A good comparison would be how J. R. R. Tolkien created such a deep universe with multiple languages and all that. It was a place for him to go on vacation, a comfy bubble for him to live in as a break from life. Recently I read Redwall, and in the intro the author noted how he enjoys going off to his little universe once a year or so. Instead of a fantasy universe with elves, I'm arguably a bit more practical: it's my personal ontology -- or part of it, in any case. Finding explanations for things I hit in meditation over in neuroscience and then the act of writing about it gives me new ideas and perspectives -- so it became a siphon of sorts; that's what it's kept on so long and so large. that's why I get so [WRITING A MILLION PAGES] sometimes -- the act of writing triggers new ideas and then i want to write about those; on we go. Off for a few hours to dredge through wikipedia and journal articles; then I've more to write about, which will lead to more to write about. As such, this thread is probably best treated like a coffee table book ~ just flip through and pick a good bit and have a read. maybe it should be a coffee table book anyways, i'm probably off to a homeless shelter tomorrow i figured i may as well start writing here again |
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an unexpected stay of execution, purportedly -- as i have raised fears for my physical safety in a shelter mom has offered to extend the motel again. in previous runs this was a bad fever dream, she repeatedly calls the front desk and says she's going to call me and then calls me and says she's going to call the front desk and i'm standing there at the front desk with the front desk people, like, yep, she's going to call you back. and do the same stuff again. the front desk people get the better end of it; she's polite to them but calls me all sorts of insulting things when i'm the one on the phone. then imagine this going on for hours and it's a combination of alzheimers and my mom genuinely being a jerk and now she's a malfunctioning jerk and we get stuck in a loop of her being a jerk sometimes but it didn't happen today and that is good for my sanity. the way these things go... the front desk tells me it's all set for another few days, but we'll see what the keycard light on my door says at 11am. it's so stupid that i have to waste all this time herding cats with mom and the front desk and still not be able to trust any answer but the computer controlling the door locks |
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so, yes, upsides -- it's nice to feel my body respond in ways i've never really felt before. 30 years of bad posture sitting at a computer, then i got into... aerobics, walking, dancing, yoga... gradually whatever.. for another ten years and despite everything, yes, i am approaching another physical peak, like -- beat my record for best shape ever but it wasn't hard to do that for quite a while. i'm still having to really be on myself because for 30 years i've been using core muscle all wrong etc. i see where my breathing gets stuck too so in this.. another few days of motel whatever... they do have a multi-whatever weight machine and i was just enjoying getting creative with it; trying to wake my back and shoulders up next after core muscles |
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it's really disorienting. do i message a work contact on linkedin because he's the sort of person, who might have the sort of backyard, that you need to camp for a few weeks without being socially obtrusive e.g. making someone feel like they're hosting someone because, like 1) physical safety 2) property safety 3) electricity 4) wifi and i guess food is somewhere in there too these are my sort of concerns now. i need to find a stable place to set up and dig myself out of this mess |
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there is a lot of... starting to make a plan... then no that won't work because... then that requires... and it's such a tangle we eventually hit a mental hiccup, derp, this is fine, what was i doing again? working out seems to help with this problem tho |
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ah, yes... my space program. where, like, if i'm going out there, what's in my backpack? how do you work out in space? the answer, i strongly feel, is -- springs, cables, weights, pulleys, and j-core, in zero-gravity. but you also need to work on a sort of inner vision that will allow you to deliberately work all the things manually since gravity won't be doing it for us in spaaaaace |
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...but that's just because i'm all full of the neural firing patterns from using a gym machine to j-core and focusing on balance hasn't happened recently, but at times when i am deep into exercising, but i'll get this synaesthetic visualization of my center of mass as this sloshing white fluid and still and stable we're a sphere but should i fling my arm out and spin around, it distorts from a sphere into some complex sloshing white blobby... and that's it. consciousness is sort of like center of mass. center of gravity. my exercise stuff, i'm always focusing on balance of whatever physical configuration i'm in, and sometimes i can build up to what is effectively a glorious edge-case of the tetris effect and get that sloshy white thing that only comes with a good leading edge of praxis, like, get a roll going with daily routine etc. as with a lot of this bullshit |
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What’s your mom like, epic? Is she diagnosed with something? Does she (still) work? Did she love you as a kid She raised you, right? |
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I'd diagnose her with NPD My whole life gaslighting me in various ways Touches of Livia Soprano Doesn't know a damn thing about giving hugs -- I had to learn that language from falling in love with someone outside the family I'm not sure exactly what's going on and whether she's helping me out of social or legal obligation or guilt or if it's all just emotional ping pong as alzheimers sets in. then she actually fakes forgetting stuff too as part of all her nonsense but yes she dutifully made me the same ham sandwich i quasi-autistically demanded every day for years with all the joy of someone stuck in a concentration camp. if anything, she was not really the right sort of person to be a mom but she's stuck with it and she did put the time in in the end i just want to survive, i'm not out to tear anyone up anymore, her included. dealing with her is rough but lots of people are ghosting me now and i'm stuck with it |
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Does she have big tutties? |
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no and she'll have a scar on her chest from surgery from a heart attack if you want continued boner killer materiel |
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on my birthday she fell on her face on some concrete step she sent me a photo she looks like the joker this is the sort of relationship we have. happy birthday! your present is i've fallen over and bashed my face in my life is miserable i wish i would die or so she says all the time. what should i say back? i'm not really sure. she'll just say it again later no matter what anyways i figure |
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when in jail -- yes i was in jail it wasn't bad actually i read a lot of books -- you got a tablet if you were lucky and one company runs the whole shebang and of course their app store charges through the nose for ANYTHING. buy a "stamp" to send a text or email etc. and whoever lands the tablet contract obviously has you by the balls and if you want to send someone canteen money [which i did to some guy who shared his food because they do not feed you well in there] they take $5 for up to $19.99 and $8 for up to $99.99 for "handling" and so on. you're in jail so you're stuck with this shit and it continues when you get out; there are "career fairs" you will be funnelled to with "work at hotel desk" and "be a TSA agent" and i am stuck at a motel with a mixture of tacky old fart christians and people like me who have been coralled into what feels like a larger version of jail forced to participate in the local economy the internet is the same shit company everywhere fucking satellite slow as balls drops out i'm just scrambling to get all the paperwork in so i don't go back to jail while i have office facilities trying to avoid a shelter waiting for my new ID in the mail phone was stolen new number making it harder to reach people who often just ghost me anyways i work out a lot and write a bit about it too maybe i should youtube series? but that never gets much views seems like a waste of the limited time/resources i have? i dunno |
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honestly i'm holding it down perfectly well which includes knowing i probably don't have the bandwidth to do all the right things halp i need someone to show me the right bureaucratic levers really |
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by mathematics there has to exist some sort of thresher at the end of society, just something will organize itself to fill the void no matter what and yes here it is. there's my youtube series title ~ the thresher at the end of society film a video? i should probably just go to sleep. |
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i like granola. even before jail, i was on this tip where i'm really just savouring the basics, in this house i'm renting a room in which would turn out to be a scam -- gods, dodging all the scam outfits in this hell tunnel is a lot of work -- but yes, jail teaches you to appreciate the basics like being outside and sharky likes granola nom nom i am eating granola now it is owsum |
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yeah i need to get out of this bubble. it's like a feudal system for real. is my lawyer part of this giant screw over? what the fuck really. i am always almost getting run over by people and one at stop and shop today, who is this person, obstructing with a pickup like he owns... and there's a county sheriff badge hanging from the rearview and oh. fucker does own it. okay. carry on |
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thank you for flipping through my flipping bullshit thred thx guyz helo |
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everyone writes bullshit man, sorry for the family stuff, might be the worst shit to deal with but its not, and eventually you will distance from anyone who makes you suffer once you're solely dependent on yourself, financially therefore emotionally |
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i hope i can be independent. right now i really have no choice but to... ugh. i'm also trying to handle all this with more grace than i have in the past. thank you for the thot mohamed |
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homeless shelter tomorrow. i'm absolutely miserable. terrified. terrified i'm going to get beat up; my shoes stolen while i sleep. i won't be able to take my laptop into that with me but i'll try to keep posting. if i stop i'm probably dead or in the hospital. if anyone can do anything to help my email is digitalskillet@gmail.com |
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you know what the shelter I attended reminded me of? of a military camp I had when I was 18 into a school gym in Slovenia. everything closed into the alpine backpack, which went under the bunk like the shoes, and everything at hearing range. I haven't been in the shelter as much as I did in the camp tho, did more street at the beginning of my first adventure, but im sure nothing beats a psychic ward about clothes being stolen. Two positive things for you in this post, you're not on the street nor in a psychiatric ward. |
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well i haven't actually been there yet, but... the psych ward is probably better. in fact, i suspect jail is probably safer. because you're going to run into the same crowd of people in jail and at a homeless shelter... except in jail, everyone is sober, there are cameras and security guards, and at night there are beefy locked doors preventing anyone from assaulting or robbing you as you sleep. |
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Courage my man its not for ever, you can do it |
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Sent you an email |
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Posted your vid in a couple of places |
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After watching that i am even more convinced you dont need a psych ward and that you have the right attitude to come out of this, and that whoever comes against you after that testimony will succumb |
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got the email; replied. thank you for lending an ear. i appreciate how you are responding to this relative to the way most people have. more constructive talking |
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i think it's important to mention on here, the services that are NOT available to me. my therapist is in the middle of leaving for another practice as i am going into a shelter; i am going to be assigned some random new therapist to start over with... and will they be any good or not? so when people tell me to.... mental whatever... please understand I DO NOT GET TO HAVE THAT OK? |
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- laundry, shave, shower - find somewhere to drop off laptop and stuff - large homeless routing place in boston tomorrow/today - something something when can i get cash EBT benefits - pare down to iphone and vlog as both a way to keep in touch and give myself a path to follow this is about where we're at. i'm sober. i have a few bucks i'm not asking for money. i need a place to sleep and shower and wifi and electricity near boston |
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Sent your resume to the hr team, hope they get in touch |
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the phone number is wrong shit |
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because my phone got stolen :( so many things - fix resume added to list for this morning |
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or should i because when i get my new ID i can get my phone number back and that's in a few days and... dfjgjdfkg why does it have to do this |
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Keep the old number imho |
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yes, this, with more feeling -- keep the old number. and don't fuck with the resume now. the email is valid that'll do not worth firing up the word processor with everything else going on that is really the hardest part of it all for me. the logistics of survival |
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keep it up man, you're showing you're a good man at the bottom and that matters a lot for the future |
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Thanks, I’m doing my best It would be nice if people stopped trying to diagnose me over the internet… no, I am not bipolar. No, I do not have Asperger’s I have adhd and I got in trouble for impulsively doing stupid shit; reacting badly to my life going off the rails made it worse. I’ll own that |
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Shelters are full looks like I’m out on the street all night. At least the weather is clement |
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I wish it were legal to just pitch a tent somewhere. I’m not, like, Appalachian Trail hardcore but I am solidly competent at camping But no you have to go to a campground and pay $20 a day and show ID At least I should have valid ID again soon |
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