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'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING Wednesday March 19, 2003 By CHAD KULTGEN NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256! Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28. "We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider. "But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck. "The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources." The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs. "If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation. When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession. Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune. "It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, los |
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"I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment." In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS. All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft." However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands." Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002." Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments. |
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I BELIEVE HIM! |
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*cough*bullshit*cough* where's your link? |
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I believe him too.. |
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It sucks that "reasonable doubt" can be used to prosecute in this way... personally I doubt even a well informed inside trader would be able to get that sort of rapid return. If he was he would know better than to make the money in such a short space of time. It is possible he is just a bit of a fruitcake and got lucky investing. |
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Wow man I dont know what to think on this one.... |
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Weekly World News != truth |
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he should've went into the future just a little bit and checked to make sure he got away with it first. |
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oh, btw: i think he's either blatantly lying, or he's schizophrenic. |
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*adds to favorites Hey why don't the investigators just agree? Sure show us UBL and the cure for AIDS and we'll let you go back. Why not? What could it hurt? Either that or when he's lying put em in jail but i need to know the outcome of this one! |
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hhmm another double post |
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I promise if you let me get to my time craft, I will go back 20 minutes and not post this. |
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yeah, but "busted" is totally more hip than "caught" as a thread title. |
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heheh :) |
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c'mon, now were playing with fate. no sir...i dont like it! |
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we should ask him if there's ever gonna be another decent aphex release |
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this is really good news! at least we now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that humanity will survive for at least another 253 years! |
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that's what makes me most skeptic about this... no way we'll go another 253 up in herre |
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If I could travel through time I would go back stock up on Twoism vinyls and sell them before the re-release. That and HAB 1&2 and AB2. I'd be rich without the stock market. |
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I'd travel back in time right when rephlex opened and send in every aphex release as my own. After getting signed i'd stockpile the money while watching richard try to out do my (his) own releases. That'd be a hoot! |
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"All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his'time craft.' " Ahhh poor guy |
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This is obviously bull. Its been in no other media as far as I know other than Yahoo. It must be an April fools. |
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yahoo + news = truth! |
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The source of this article on Yahoo was the Weekly World News... A US Tabloid famous for it's rather 'unbeleivable' news stories (same paper that always does the 'bat boy' stories. |
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time travel... pfff the whole concept is ridiculous! The past doesn't exist anymore... how could you possibly go back to something that doesn't exist anymore? |
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never seen back to the future? duh? it was based on a true story, didn't you know? |
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a true story? you don't say... well in that case... :-p give me one too! |
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Read Hawking's A Brief History of Time... Time travel might be possible... |
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i watched a documentry about time travel on the history channel the other day, where a whole bunch of scientists tried to create one of einstines experiments. what they did was, set two clocks at exactly the same time, keep one clock on the ground and fly one around the world and then meet them together. the clock that was flown around the earth slowed to a fraction of a microsecond. |
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"Read Hawking's A Brief History of Time... " well is it "readable", so to speak? I mean, is it in plain understandable language, or very scientific? If i can understand it, i might look into it. |
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wait wait wait wait... you mean to say this guy isn't really a time traveller? |
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think about that "a butterfly in singapore causes rain in toronto" kind of stuff and relate this to timetravel and going back in time. One's very presence even if he didn't move or touch anything would cause a twisted loop or ripple that would eventually change a great deal, altering the "future" the time traveller came from significantly thus quite possibly causing the timetravelling not to happen making the traveller disappear from where he was...is..was going to :S |
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"causing the timetravelling not to happen making the traveller disappear from where he was" yeah but if he dissapeared... that also means all those changes to the "future" don't happen after all... |
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indeed, therefore that sort of timetravel is impossible because it would null each other out |
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It's readable. Most of it's explained in layman's terms though you do need to have pretty solid foundation in math to understand a lot of the concepts. |
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BAT BOY ROCKS!!!!!!! I believe in you, batboy!!!!! i believe you can fly, and will take me away to a place where ponies are my friends!!!!! you ARE real, i just KNOW IT! |
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e=mc2. but as u all know 'time' is merely a concept. it is possible to travel back in 'time' as in reality it is non-linear. well thats wot batboy said to me anway, |
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fuckin goobacks THEY TOOK ERR JOORBSS |
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*goobags |
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no dude it was goobacks, it's ment like the term wetbacks (immigrants) |
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that's a good explanation, but I heard goobag and that would be derogatory as well so WHO KNOWS keep on dancin keep on dancin |
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DEY TOOOOK ERRR JEWWWWWWBS |
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maybe we should all turn gay then andstart a big pileof gay man love so that hummanity dies out in the future and then they wont TAAKE OURRR JEWWWBS |
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they found his delorium in the car park. |
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On time travel: apparently, travelling at speeds close to lightspeed, slows down time for the object (/persons) travelling at near lightspeed. Ever wondered why astronauts in orbit around earth moves so slowly whenever you see them? there's nothing stopping them from moving fast, except for the fact that time, to them, is moving slower. With this in mind, time travel COULD be achieved if one could travel at the speed of light or faster and NOT become light-energy. |
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how did the initial story end: was he lying? did it actually happen? what? |
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