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 Now online (3)Bremzen dariusgriffin belb ...and 410 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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what i'm mostly worried about is that you don't seem to be taking anything into consideration. i just wanted to talk about writings with you, is all. :( |
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Well, get past the commas, man: it's just a matter of personal taste. What about writing (apart from punctuation) would you like to talk about? |
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the bits i thought were more interesting to look at were the needlessness of the awkward pine tree sentence and the wording of the stick gun sentence, stuff like that. and how you reuse sentence structures, which isn't normally bad, but you'll do it mere paragraphs apart. get past the commas and read my other suggestions. i'd like to know what your thoughts are. |
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and by 'thoughts' i don't mean 'try to defend yourself'. i want to see you take things into consideration, even if you don't plan on utilising any of it for the actual text. |
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I think you'll probably notice big differences between the first half of the text and the second half - there was a gap of some months between them because my old computer was broken and in the interim I was working on developing the story & its world more: The opening was influenced by Arthur Ransome: that was the world I had in my head when I started - it later developed away from that, although I'm still trying to give it a taste of that atmosphere. |
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As I remember it, a lot of the first chapter is too verbose: I was still stuck in the endless descriptions; which I've worked hard to be rid off the further on it develops. |
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and what i'm attempting to do is *help* you work on that first chapter. unless that offends you. |
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oh, i should mention that i thoroughly enjoy it whenever you talk about your writing process. one thing i've noticed about british literature is that it's very dull and bogged-down in rules. i honestly can't think of a single british novel i've truly enjoyed, so that's probably a good indicator that you should ignore anything i have to tell you. all the same, i like talking about writings with you since we come from two very different literary backgrounds. |
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Wait, am I reading the book right now? |
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"optimus prime," you're doing it in a very condescending manner. i honestly can't think of a single british novel i've truly enjoyed that made me lol |
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You can probably ignore the "literary" content of the first chapter - it's the one I'm most aware of as being in need of rewriting. As to the British thing, I am British, and that reflects upon my writing, although I disagree about the rules thing - there are many different British writers, and much diversity. |
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that wasn't intended, but i won't apologise if it came across that way since this is xltronic and everyone is a total jerk here. marlowe: do you think you'd want to read my thoughts on subsequent chapters? |
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I'd like to hear your views on them, yes, of course |
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i'll try to ignore any perceived stylistic faults unless they really grate on me, and instead focus on the story itself. i think that's what you asked for in the email anyway. |
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sorry, i started reading again from the beginning and came across this: Miles muttered darkly to himself something along the lines of himself considering Alice to be a romantic idiot which is redundant. Miles muttered darkly to himself, something along the lines of Alice being a romantic idiot or something like that. i know i should be ignoring the writing in the first chapter but felt it should be pointed out. |
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finding miles standing in a smaller ante-chamber you forgot to capitalise poor Miles. :( |
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Normally this would hold her attention for at least five minutes while she cultivated her soul, today her attention became almost immediately distracted by the strange mist which seemed to be loitering on the lawn. - Normally this would hold her attention for at least five minutes while she cultivated her soul, but today her attention became almost immediately distracted by the strange mist which seemed to be loitering on the lawn. i know this type of thing is very minor but i'm bored (not because of your story). also, the phrase 'cultivated her soul' is kind of obscure. |
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The two children watched entranced for several minutes as the mist danced with itself upon the immaculate lawn outside, before Alice became slowly aware it was definitely settling into substantial forms upon the lawn, with just a slithery wisp of tendril connecting its thicker shapes. wow, and dog_belch once called me mentally-handicapped for using gross verbiage in a story. i just wanted to post this here for future reference, since i think you were one of my detractors in that regard (correct me if i'm wrong). sorry to bring something personal into the mix. continuing on now. |
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Thanks for the catches. the cultivation of the soul - the fertility of Alice's spirit; her spiritual nature as opposed to Miles' physical nature. Remember, she accepts the ethereal because of her nature, while Miles rejects it because of his. |
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man, you're so polite that i definitely feel bad about my last post. :( if you're familiar with my story topics then you'd know how sweet any minor revenge would be for me. :b |
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Yeah, that scene caused me endless problems in the writing - trying to convey the scene, to capture the atmosphere of it. As I remember it, it took me a long time to even write that scene as it stands: definitely one scene to work on in the re-write. |
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On the lawn, the wispy tendrils of thinning mist began to thin lazily out of existence this is another redundancy. On the lawn, the wispy tendrils of mist began thinning lazily out of existence or summat. also, something bothered me later in on in the same sentence: accompanied now by a faint murmuring of sound, as if listening to an old gramophone record, a pleasant and wistful seventy-eight. this completely took me out of the story, since until now i wasn't fully aware that the story was being narrated by someone, let alone an old man. if your intent with this line was to add a sense of nostalgia to the story, you've already been doing that quite well without the need to hammer it in. |
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guided by her subconscious as her conscious self engaged itself in wondrous and gasping remembrances and fantasies of the shocking slap in the face to her schooled reality. this sentence really is a bit much, but if you intend on keeping it i'd take out 'itself': guided by her subconscious as her conscious self engaged in wondrous and gasping remembrances and fantasies of the shocking slap in the face to her schooled reality. actually, just cut the line altogether. |
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hah, yeah you're right about that '78 line. & I could probably end that last sentence after "guided by her subconscious" |
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Eyes closed, the sweetly gentle aroma of wild flowers, the scent a silent gilding upon the gliding air current. this doesn't work for several reasons, but the one i wanted to point out is that the sentences sandwiching it are not written in the same 'poetic' way. also, 'gilding' and 'gliding' are definitely not pretty enough words to be used in the same sentence for whatever kind of poetic effect you intended. Eyes closed, she smelled the sweetly gentle aroma of wild flowers, the scent a silent gilding upon the air current. !!! |
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Eyes firmly closed, she heard the echoing call of grazing sheep upon the lower hills of the distant peak – echoing as if the sound of their bleating had reached the ceiling of the world and had now fallen down upon her ears in sleepy drizzles. i absolutely love this line; i don't care what anyone else might say about it. i love it. <3 |
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i just read the line that follows: But now it sounded as if the sheep called her name... Aaaalice...Aaaalice...drifting across the hillside. and it's very cute. it made me smile. but now i must continue looking for the things that make me angry. |
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Aww bless, thanks :] |
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you're right, the writing is definitely more natural in the second chapter. i think you asked for consistency in tone, so i want to put out the use of italicisation in the second paragraph of the second chapter. it's effective, of course, but it really jumped out at me as being from an altogether different narrative voice, since there's no precedent for it earlier in the story. |
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the tears forming under them seeming to have been released as dirty water is squeezed from a damp scrunched-up cloth. this is another example of what i feel is a miscommunication with the reader. when i read this line i get the impression that her tears are dirty as well. in general this line is a long way to go without really saying anything. to be more effective in expressing her emotion i think you should go with a more simple or direct route. Her eyelids were struck by spasms, forcing out tears. Her eyelids were struck by spasms, squeezing out tears. Her eyelids were struck by spasms, releasing tears. Her eyelids were struck by spasms, the tears forming under them seeming to have been released as dirty water is squeezed from a damp scrunched-up cloth. |
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The use of italics occurs throughout from that point onwards. I think the reason for chapter one's inconsistent & patchy tone is that I was struggling to establish the characters & setting - it was after I started taking extensive notes (also a map has been drawn plus other documentation referred to but not featured), I got a better grip on the story - when I started writing, I only had a very loose framework, which has become tighter as I've progressed and kept more notes. Incidentally, a lot of the notes are concerned with what I've already written, things I've already spotted or remembered which I need to go back and fix. |
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*point out |
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eh, even if i'm only pointing out things you're already aware of, i'm still having fun. |
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Yeah, that wasn't meant as a sleight. |
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Her eyelids were struck by spasms, releasing tears like water being squeezed out of a damp cloth. i think something like this would be best, actually. essentially just cutting the excess. |
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Yeah, the word "dirty" can definitely be dropped, good call. |
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Fortune had dictated a romantic nature to Alice’s soul, so she accepted more readily the seemingly unnatural occurrence than Miles, who had gone to bed still in a state of shock. you don't need this, since i'm already well aware that Alice has a romantic nature and that miles had gone to bed in a state of shock. |
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Finally, her thoughts gave way to their counterpart in sleep, dreams, and she dreamt the same scene over and over, i don't see the point in so blatantly explaining that 'dreams' are the counterpart of her thoughts when the rest of the sentence does that by itself. |
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Yeah, I what you mean about the dreams - the word 'counterpart' adequately deals with it. Ta for the first one (Romantic nature, State of shock) - it's good to receive feedback about how much a reader has already taken in - nothing worse than labouring a point - cheers |
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Alice parted her legs and beckoned Miles towards her. Reaching out she took a firm hold of his swollen member and began guiding it towards her young tight pussy. I thought this was meant to be a kids book??? |
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i like how you're pacing things so far. miles' journey to the village was a pleasant little read. i just caught another minor error that you've probably picked up yourself: “We moved her last month,” - “We moved here last month,” |
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a smile which miles heartily approved of. Miles lost his capital again. |
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Pacing is a prime concern for me - let me know if it lags too much -- I'm a bit worried about the middle section of Part 1 moving too slowly. |
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this is just personal preference, but i think this sentence would be more readable with the first comma being replaced by a semicolon: Dominic pushed open the door, the bell tinkled, and he left Miles to quietly congratulate himself at a friend well made. Dominic pushed open the door; the bell tinkled, and he left Miles to quietly congratulate himself at a friend well made. |
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will do. i'm still pretty far from the middle since i have a lot of things distracting me today, but i'll hopefully get to it by the end of the night. |
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Yeah, that's a question of how it's read - with that comma, the accent is on "bell" rather than "tinkled" as it would be with a semi-colon -- just a matter of rhythm - having the accent on the middle word, for me, means it'll flow more easily to "and he left..." |
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is this about the death of internet? |
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yes. |
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if you want to pick up the pace then you don't need this paragraph: Entering the yard where Miles had formerly been pumping up his bicycle’s tyres, she exited into Devil’s Lane, and walked along it until she reached the main road. She crossed, and followed the verge until she came upon the path which led deep into Devil’s Wood, and beyond that, the field which terminated with the large old building which was to be her destination. my imagination has this covered, especially after reading the same thing in miles' journey. |
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eternal september |
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