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 (nobody)...and 159 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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Why don't you swap email addresses? |
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Sorry, I looked over the new posts this morning when I woke up, and was too groggy to post back; meant to do it later (before being prompted!) Most of what you wrote was pertinent (the typos, the tautology etc). That 'damson' should be 'damsel'. The suggestions for the tightening of the MS is welcome because I have a tendency towards being too flowery in my language (or so I believe). Looking forward to your thoughts on the later chapters :] |
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that glimpse into his world had helped her unlock secret parts of herself which had previously lain undiscovered. you've been showing this to the reader clearly enough without having to resort to exposition. She rose early the next morning. When she went downstairs and into the kitchen, the house lay still and silent. She made some eggs and toast for breakfast, washed down with a cup of warm milky tea. Afterwards, she crept upstairs to her bedroom, fetched her notebook and fountain pen, crept downstairs and slipped out the house & into the early morning sunshine. i feel that this is needless description, and that the scene would be much stronger if it was begun by the paragraph that follows it. and she if anything there hinted looks like sean connery wanted to try his hand at narrating the story as well. “Did you find what you needed, dear” the friendly-faced librarian asked her, “Did you find what you needed, dear?” Her voice trailed off to silence you don't need 'to silence'. Alice left the library and walked through the main street of West Summerton towards the Post Office, her hands clasping her notebook to her chest, here you make it sound like the post office holds some sort of immediate importance when it obviously doesn't. Alice left the library and walked through the main street of West Summerton, her hands clasping her notebook to her chest, The sun’s warmth flooded the tiny valley wherein the stream laid its course, spiking sparkling silver. i think you went a bit too crazy with alliteration here. The sun’s warmth flooded the tiny valley wherein the stream laid its course, sparkling silver. or The sun’s warmth flooded the tiny valley wherein the sparkling silver stream laid its course. the latter is a good example of how to use alliteration effectively. your use of it tends to come across as tacked on. |
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Within a minute she was resting against the secure trunk of a particular handsome oak, her notebook in hand. Chymes Hall had been built sometime during the late 1700s the transition between the two paragraphs is jarring. you need something like: According to her notes, Chymes Hall had been built sometime during the late 1700s |
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Some more good points there - noted & noted! |
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The owner, a certain Lord Murmur, had seemed to a most mysterious individual had seemed to *be* a most mysterious individual by the way, the name Lord Murmur is a great choice. it's very memorable. The house had been a left a ruin until the 1920s The house had been left a ruin until the 1920s And The Plot Becomes Formulaic. :\ i think i just lost some of the excitement i had for this story. it's become a cross between ghostbusters 2 and every horror story i read as a kid. ah well. (obviously i am exaggerating, but there's no denying my disappointment.) she could believe in Tom now, he was there and he was real. she could believe in Tom now -- he was there and he was real. i opted for -- since it was ; that introduced this portion of the sentence. He was something to cling to in the sadness of her life. this is another line you definitely do not need, especially since i never got a sense that she was all that Sad. Quickly pushing herself up, and feeling a little dizzy after her nap, Alice grabbed her notebook from the grass and stumbled away, across the railway tracks, and into Devil’s Wood. i've done my best to ignore all of the Comma Situations in the story but this one is really bothering me. Quickly pushing herself up, and feeling a little dizzy after her nap, Alice grabbed her notebook from the grass and stumbled away, across the railway tracks and into Devil’s Wood. She slowed to walking pace a few yards into the wood. The warm sun was diluted by the filtration of the trees. She savoured the coolness and the snapping of the undergrowth beneath her feet. the sentence i want to point out is this one: The warm sun was diluted by the filtration of the trees. the reason why i excerpted the other sentences as well is because i feel that this sentence, a neat idea that reads nicely enough on its own, wrecks the flow of the scene. while i do feel that it should be cut from here, i also believe it's a good enough senten |
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sentence to be used elsewhere if you so desire to keep it. |
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Yeah, that filtration sentence could easily be moved earlier to the story, since she's walked through those damn woods a million times :D As regards the plot, whilst it may seem like it's going to become formulaic, the storyline in store will hopefully not prove to be - time will tell, I guess :] |
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<3 |
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She decided that she would cut through the woods and make her way to the old building and hope to meet Tom there. hey, this time i want you to add a comma (and a few extra words). something like: She decided that she would cut through the woods and make her way to the old building, where she hoped to meet Tom. the lack of commas in this sentence isn't at all consistent with the others, which tend to contain approximately fifteen to twenty of them. Resolved to find out more about this mysterious building, she pressed on through the woods towards it. i already know she's resolved to find out more about the building and that she's pressing on through the woods towards it. why? because the paragraph that came right before this line already went into great detail about it. Knowing that Miles probably wasn’t going to be very proficient at the art of tree climbing, Dominic had clambered nimbly up the tree’s trunk, a thick, frayed piece of rope (which he’d found in the railway shed) tied around his waist. This he had knotted around a lower branch about six metres high, and let dangle down, allowing Miles to shimmy up. here you're going into great detail about something that isn't important enough to require it. try slimming it down to a short sentence or two. The two boys soon found a suitable location for the tree-house; a flattened section of the tree about ten metres up, quite flat with fairly thick branches—thick enough to be adequate support. i think that semicolon wants to grow up to be a full, mature colon. The two boys soon found a suitable location for the tree-house: a flattened section of the tree about ten metres up, quite flat with fairly thick branches—thick enough to be adequate support. “Ok Miles,” and “Ok then all these instances of 'Ok' should be changed to 'OK' or 'Okay'. even though i know what the word is my brain's readin' voice is reading it as 'ahk'. your writing is also very polite, so while Ok migh |
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might work in something like a story by faulkner, it doesn't work well here. or i could be completely wrong -- it's not like it's all that stop-the-presses important. |
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Yeah, I see what you mean about Ok rather than OK or Okay. I think the wordiness of the climbing the tree thing is down to wanting to make it realistic, and so spelling it out. There is a scene later involving fishing, so I'll be interested to know whether you think it goes too much into the 'technical' side when the line is being put together. |
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“I reckon it will,” Miles replied, smiling serenely. “I reckon it will.” this line really made me wince. i'm not kidding -- i actually winced when i read it. that's how bad it is. you have a thing for ending your scenes with summary lines or by laying out a plate of rank cheese. while finishing my reading of chapter 5 i realised that the structure of the novel is uneven. the first chapter is naturally from the perspective of both of the children since they're together. then alice gets her own chapter, followed by miles getting his own chapter, and then the chapters after those switch back and forth between the two viewpoints. i can see how this type of outline *should* work, but it's not. it comes across as confused. i think the chapters i enjoy the most are the ones that switch back and forth between the two children, since they better showcase the contrast between their representative views of reality, or rather the two different aspects of reality that they represent. |
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Yeah, that unevenness is something which needs to be ironed out when it's done - I'll probably introduce some kind of transition, but the problem I've faced with that is that the characters are actually in different times when they switch (mostly), so that's presented a little problem to worked on. Although, later on, there are a couple of transitions between their separate scenes. |
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Oh, the 'reckon it will' thing is that I'm trying to have Miles emulate Dominic's speech more and more as it gets further - seems a little more work is required on that front, though, or else I'll end up writing cheesy Stephen King dialogue :\ |
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eh, you'll figure something out; it's not something a night without sleep won't fix. just make sure you keep a dish or bag handy in order to cleanly deposit all of the hair you'll be pulling out. As she had done the previous morning, Alice awoke early. She had left her curtains open the previous night so that the early morning sunlight would wake her. Dressing quickly, she quickly prepared a sandwich, and quietly left the house. Eating as she walked, she made her way to Devil’s Wood and onwards to the old building; Chymes Hall as she now knew it. The early morning atmosphere of the woods enthralled her: every noise seemed to be filled with private reverberations, as if she were entirely alone in the world. It was a feeling she found strangely comforting, a feeling which made her feel safe. She ambled on through the wood, enjoying the noisy twitter of birdsong and the approaching brook’s lullaby. The lazy sunlight piercing the canopy of the trees felt cool and dusty against her face. Crossing the brook, she pushed on to the edge of Devil’s Wood, into stronger sunlight, and the Chymes Hall waiting for her across the long stretch of field. Throwing a wary look to the ploughed field to the right, under which some force seemed to dwell, Alice crossed the farmer’s track, clambered over the fence on the far side, and walked across the grassy field to the long-abandoned building. i really hope you're not attached to this, marlowe, because you're going to have to get rid of it. here is a quick and dirty suggestion to give you an idea of what you can do: The next morning, Alice crossed the farmer’s track, clambered over the fence on the far side, and once again walked across the grassy field to the long-abandoned building. This time, however, her attention was caught by what sounded like the beating of a drum. It came from somewhere to the left of the old building, clear and rhythmic. |
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when i read a new chapter in a story i expect to be reading something New, and not being buffeted by the trillionth description of lolit- i mean alice frolicking through the place with all of the Tall Trees (wink wink). |
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Hmm, I dono if I could bring myself to purge it quite so much: I wanted to introduce her being serene & peaceful before the stark contrast with what follows (as you'll read). |
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haha, I assure you there's no sexual content implied in the story! |
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in the case of caricature you have to make sure the reader is aware that that's the case, otherwise they'll assume it's sloppy writing. “I reckon it will,” Miles replied, in perfect emulation of Dominic. “I reckon it will.” as another quick & dirty example. |
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Hm, yeah, that would work - maybe use a different word for 'emulation' as that conjures up SNES ROMs for me :D |
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perhaps it would be more interesting if she actually did something in the wood, instead of just walking through its unending description. as of now, when i read it i'm only thinking of how loud my sighs are, and not what kind of excitement might be taking place after. |
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haha! true enough. If it was wind-up toy, then surely someone must have wound the key. If it was *a* wind-up toy anxious to be clasping their rotten ivory around her neck. 'rotten ivory' is a huge conflict in imagery. when i read 'ivory' i automatically think the purest white, no matter how 'rotten' it's supposed to be. anxious to be clasping their British smiles around her neck. i'm kidding! but this should be an easy one for you to figure out. and yeah, i definitely see why you want to emphasise the contrast between alice's serene journey and the dread that actually awaited her, but that didn't make my reading of her journey any less boring in hindsight. |
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Srill, he understood where Dominic was coming from as much as i appreciate you inventing a new word, i'm afraid you have to change it to Still. to let his friend put ear to ground. colloquialism? if you were afraid of confusing the reader as to whose ear it is, you could do something like: He shoved out of the way to let Dominic put his ear to the ground. that's still confusing. i'm honestly not sure what to do here, but then again i don't yet know whether or not you'd want to change it. so i'll just continue on. touches like 'Milesy' and miles' appropriation of dominic's speech are wonderful -- and subtle -- ways of showing their growing relationship without resorting to stuff like 'they were becoming closer friends with each passing moment'. good job on that. |
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s much as i appreciate you inventing a new word, i'm afraid you have to change it to Still. G-LOL Thanks for the compliment on the growing relationship between the two boys :] |
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the time between each down stroke grew longer downstroke is actually one word. The seconds past agonisingly, the toy moved no more. Alice could take no more; releasing a grunt of both anger and fear, she stomped down upon the toy, smashing it in half. The seconds passed agonisingly; the toy moved no more. Alice could not take it: releasing a grunt of both anger and fear, she stomped down upon the toy, smashing it in half. or some similar reworking, since what you have is rather awkward. “This is the graveyard of Lord Murmur, where his body is buried.” you could trim it to: “This is the graveyard of Lord Murmur.” since i already get a sense that his body is buried there, with it being his graveyard and all. it also makes the revelation far more dramatic. |
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“I have sensed dark things in this place, malevolent spirits seem to infest certain parts of our world, places I am best off avoiding.” change the first comma to a semicolon. “I have sensed dark things in this place; malevolent spirits seem to infest certain parts of our world, places I am best off avoiding.” i think it's strange that alice seems to know more about the situation than tom, a being who has been existing in the old building for a great period of time, does, but i suppose that will be explained later. and another, spirit, world this could serve to be phrased better. actually, reading that paragraph again, there are a few more issues: “This is the way I see it, Tom; Lord Murmur must have performed a magical ritual which opened up at least one gateway between our world and another, spirit, world—I’m guessing that the fire which killed him is also connected some way, a ritual gone wrong or something—I’m going to try harder to find out more about that fire, and maybe you can shed some more light on it. the first semicolon should be promoted to colon: “This is the way I see it, Tom: Lord Murmur must have performed a magical ritual and the second dash should turn into a period: I’m guessing that the fire which killed him is also connected some way, a ritual gone wrong or something. I’m going to try harder you should also note that people don't actually say 'that' all too often. going back to the spirit world bit, i think you can just cut that portion out, since it's already implied that the other world is the spirit world. after all of that, this is what we have: “This is the way I see it, Tom: Lord Murmur must have performed a magical ritual which opened up at least one gateway between our world and another—I’m guessing the fire which killed him is also connected some way, a ritual gone wrong or something. I’m going to try harder to find out more about that fire, and maybe you can shed some more light on it. |
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alice really seems to know a lot. i'm hoping that all of her elaborate theories are proven incorrect, since that'd be an interesting and entertaining outcome. Dominic was breathing slow and regular, having dozed off: Miles followed soon after. your colon here should be a period: Dominic was breathing slow and regular, having dozed off. Miles followed soon after. the fishing portion never came across as overly detailed to me. it's well-written and enjoyable to read, serving as a quiet poetic moment after alice's big Explain The Plot scene. so now i've finished part 1 of your story and feel guilty for not having anything left to say about it. if you want a nice satisfactory summation of my thoughts then you'll have to gather all of my more constructive posts and rewrite them in essay form. i'll be ready for part 2 whenever you get around to completing it. so, now that i'm all finished, anything you'd like to ask me about? |
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Cool - thanks for going thru it. Only thing really left to ask is, what do you mean about Alice knowing so much - just so I know what needs to be either removed or explained :] |
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i mean her unexpected flood of expository dialogue. it seemed like you were rushing to get everything out in the open so you could write the rest of the story more naturally. the only thing i can really suggest at the moment is to space it out a bit. |
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I would like to read this if help is still required? |
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OK, cheers for the suggestion - I'll go over that part of the MS before I get to work on Part II, and see about revising that part - I have written down "The History of Chymes Hall", which I wrote after she had been to the library, so I reckon that's the part I can flesh out to make it known that Alice knows more than was suggested then. Cheers! |
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Sure thing homie - I'll eMail you a copy, ta :] |
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Got your email! I enjoyed the advert at the bottom. Ahhh...imagining that irresistible "new car" smell? Check out new cars at Yahoo! Autos. I will read it tomorrow or Wednesday and email you what I think rather than make shit loads of posts about every little point. |
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yeah, i'm sure marlowe didn't appreciate that at all. |
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I'm not doubting he did! I don't have the memory capacity to undertake such a mammoth task. You are tetchy. |
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I know I didn't. "I was.." well I'm going to have to stop you there. I.. who is I? Very presumptuous, what does the reader know of this "I"? I would use a colon, and I would deploy it thusly: "I: being me, that is the person for all intents and purposes for this portion of the story acting as the narrator, was..." and carry on from there. Of course, if I actually was writing this story myself, I would've written: "I, the semi-bot infa-droid from the Amusement Zark of the latterly known pod-eyed Monibot, that unknown famous despot who oft' ruthlessly offloaded his ire against the stars and the firmament when whim overruled reason, took it upon my self, the self I was, to embark upon a quest to write a coherent sentence." |
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so you're so much of an idiot that you read all of those posts only to make a completely useless remark? |
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No, I skimmed them. |
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Yes, it is. |
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