 |
|
You are not logged in! F.A.Q Log in Register |
 |
|
 |
 Now online (1)dariusgriffin ...and 298 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
 |
Members 8025Messages 2614103 Today 0 Topics 127542 |
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
Yeah, I've wondered about how many times that journey has been covered - every time one of them makes a journey, I think "Hmm. How to write this differently from the last time they made the journey." :] |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
just don't write out the journey. :p |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
i should be more clear. the important bits of the subsequent journeys -- important because of how they relate to the stories or the characters -- should of course be written out (by 'write out' and 'written out' i don't mean to remove but rather to actually write), but stuff like 'she put on her shoes and went out the door and walked down the path and continued walking' and 'she went past the same place she went past a thousand times before' do not need to be written out as they've already been written before. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
It struck her that it was as if Devil’s Wood had given birth to her. this is another sentence i adore. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
:) thanks. About the writing too much detail, it's something I'm quite guilty of - I sit there, fretting about detail when I should be getting on with telling the story: that's what I meant earlier when I said I tried to focus on the story-telling aspect of this piece. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
The day before, Miles and she had crossed the track, climbed up the verge on the other side, and made their way through the grassy field to the old building on the other side. i don't need reminding of this since it happened only 8 or so pages ago. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
when i first started writing, for some reason i thought i had to write out every action a character took to get from one place to another. unless the reader is from another planet, they're well aware of how someone gets around unless it's from a unique mode of transportation, or if something interesting happens along the way and needs to be recounted. in terms of this story, the initial journey needs to be detailed as it introduces the reader to the world the children live in, but once the reader has grown familiar with the world they'll no longer desire to go through the tedium of retracing their steps, as it's as much fun as going to work or school every day. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
Yeah, that's how I was -- I've worked on ironing it out (it's like a neurosis), and hopefully now there's just traces of it rather than big chunks all the way through. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
The grass field to her left gave way to a tilled field after a hundred metres or so. Ahead of her, Alice spied an entrance to a second track, running perpendicular to the one she walked. She instinctively knew to take this path, which ran along the furthest border of the earthen field beside which she walked. She turned into the tributary path, now walking towards the sea with the building diagonally ahead to her left. nothing interesting happens here so you can cut it if you want. if you feel you need to keep it then please note that i found it achingly boring to read. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
A subdued roaring cracking i understand what you mean here but i feel it could be worded better. It seemed to be emanate from the dusty field on her left. i guess you couldn't decide if you wanted to have 'to emanate' or 'to be emanating' so you accidentally combined the two. It seemed to emanate from the dusty field on her left. It seemed to be emanating from the dusty field on her left. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
Yes, reading that I'll bet I was looking at the hand-drawn map I'd made and giving directions. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
The earth from which they had latterly fled seemed to shudder, as if like thunder. do you mean 'as if from thunder'? |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
that's what i had assumed while reading it. your map is great as a writing aid but try not to force it on the reader. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
No, it's meant to be "as if like thunder" : I preferred the way it flowed. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
you have a deft hand when it comes to writing suspense and supernatural terror. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
yeah, too many lisping sounds. i getcha. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
you have: Although slightly comforted by this sight, Alice had no wish to linger, and nor she did. but i'd rather read: Although slightly comforted by this sight, Alice had no wish to linger, and nor did she. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
Rising shakily to her feet, she continued through the grass field toward the building wherein lay wonders unknown and treasures untold. is 'wonders unknown and treasures untold' from the description that'll appear on the back of the book? it seems really out of place to me, as if the old man with the gramophone record wanted to try his hand at writing the story again. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
even though we spit on each other when it comes to punctuation: The barriers were up, no train was expected. is better to me as: The barriers were up; no train was expected. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
and heading towards to the old railroad shed. should just be: and heading towards the old railroad shed. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
I do have a leaning towards slightly archaic phraseology sometimes, it's true - but I like it :] |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
Finally, her courage summoned. she stepped from one realm to another. your comma turned into a period there. i found your description of the clouds to be fascinating. i was as filled with awe as alice. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
haha, fair cop on the "wonders unknown and treasures untold" : quite high on the cheese factor. The semi-colon - you're right there That 'to' must have just slipped in. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
Swirling fogs of memory collected almost immediately she set foot within the building. i think you're missing a word here. 'once she'? 'when she'? 'as she'? even if it's a matter of 'archaic phraseology', it's kind of irksome. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
I've got a thing for clouds - stems from my first LSD experience. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
heh, i was disappointed by how cheesy a line you chose to end the scene on, especially going by the explosion of imagination that came before. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
i'm glad you know how to place such experiences in different contexts. it really adds a lot of colour to the world you're creating. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
across the large entrance room and into what the previous day she’d imagined to be the remnants of a large rectangular dining hall. either i suddenly became very stupid or this makes absolutely no sense. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
That explosion of imagination may well explain why it ended on such a cheesy note :D |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
hmm, it makes no sense to me either :D I must have drifted off or something, and forgotten to actually turn it into a sentence |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
The blind leading the blind. Nobody wants to read either of you unless you fucking write something less painful. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
redundancy strikes again: Wisps seemed to be being sucked from the main body of it should just be: Wisps seemed to be sucked from the main body of it or maybe just: Wisps were being sucked from the main body of it i just noticed that things are constanting 'seeming' in your story. you should be more confident and stop relying on that. seriously, hit ctrl+f and search for all of the occurrences of 'seem'. it's actually a nasty habit of mine as well. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
even though you're probably cutting the now infamous Cheesy Line, please keep this: Alice whimpered with terror, all romantic thoughts of wonder and treasure silenced, murdered. i think that's great. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
your story has become a really fun Creature Feature. i wasn't expecting this but i'm definitely enjoying it. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
I hate to say things "are" or "are not": seems suggests subjectivism rather than objectivism and, since I'm dealing with the supernatural and, later on, the occult, I wanted to keep it from being too objective. I did try and mix it up by using the word "appear" more later on ;) |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
thank you. i found a portion of a sentence could benefit from being trimmed: pointing to an old rusted green train engine casing lying abandoned i feel like i'm drowning in words here. i already get a sense of 'old' from 'rusted', so you can drop 'old'. but then it still doesn't seem quite right to me. i'm sure that if you agree then you'll figure something out. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
pointing to a rusty green train engine casing lying abandoned ? |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
another potential comma-to-semicolon situation: He peered down through the opening, Dominic shone the torch into the hole, illuminating the beginning of a wood-panelled tunnel. -> He peered down through the opening; Dominic shone the torch into the hole, illuminating the beginning of a wood-panelled tunnel. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
or "pointing to an abandoned train engine, green & rusted"? The "green & rusted" could be inserted earlier though. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
yeah, something along those lines. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
all right, i'm back after a 'lunch break'. i finished reading the second chapter and feel that my biggest complaints about it are in regards to the sections where alice is puttin' her shoes on and walkin' around. otherwise i'm content with what i've read, especially with not one but TWO monster-type things wreaking havoc and fear. the characters' personalities are well defined but i don't feel all that attached to them at the moment. i want to learn a bit more about their histories. hopefully that'll come in time. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
well, now that i think about it, it would probably serve the story well if you put in a bit more about their history early on in the chapter. that's probably the Biggest suggestion i can make. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
Actually, a lot of my notes are concerned with character histories -- especially the parents: but there isn't anything at the moment: I keep meaning to get around to inserting them further back, but then I sit down and just need to get on with the story, which feels good. Anyway, don't expect any as of yet, but they are things which I've thought about & intend on doing... although, I obviously do try and develop the two main characters as it goes on. Anyway I'm off to bed - I appreciate you taking the time to read through and make these suggestions, even if I sounded a bit defensive earlier. 'Night |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
ah, righty-o. there's probably going to be a small flood of little posts waiting for you tomorrow if i keep reading tonight. i want to get as much done as possible since i know i won't be able to read any more of it until monday. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
i'm going to italicise the excerpts to make this post more readable since i'll be putting numerous suggestions in it. “There are more Whens than ‘now’, Alice Evergreen,” the boy said cheerfully. “Take my when, for an example. I doubt very much if my when is the same as your when, for look at how you are dressed!” if you're going to capitalise the first When then you should capitalise the others as well. keep your stylistic devices consistent. By now, he looked just like a normal little boy, a happy and impish face, some tousles of dark straw-coloured hair appearing from underneath his cap. something needs to be done here. something like: By now, he looked just like a normal little boy, with a happy and impish face, or something like: By now, he looked just like a normal little boy, a happy and impish face looking back at her “I’ll be able to tell you that are here, “I’ll be able to tell that you are here, i've studied children's literature and the dialogue between alice and tom wouldn't be out of place in it. it's very well done. but it also made me take note that Alice is going through some very Alice situations, and i was going to ask if you're sure you want to name her that. then i noticed the title of the story. so i'll shut up about that. He called this to the attention of Dominic, who rightly said that it must mean that were heading towards the coast. He called this to the attention of Dominic, who rightly said that it must mean that they were heading towards the coast. now the smugglers cave bit is reminding me of the beginning of huckleberry finn. man, that was a great book. from what i've read from you i gather you're influenced by southern literature. southern literature gave birth to some of my favourite books and writers: to kill a mockingbird, the works of mark twain, the works of william faulkner, the short stories of truman capote. it's shocking how such a realm can contain such art. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
excitedly rising in volume as they from crate to another looks like you forgot one or two words here. excitedly rising in volume as they went from one crate to another at the moment i'm wondering if the scene with the smugglers cave should come before all the Scary Magical Stuff that alice goes through. all i can think about is the jarring contrast between the down-to-earth silliness happening here and the supernatural OH MY GOD MONSTERS (AND GHOSTS!) that preceded it. He looked at it. Examined the dark liquid sloshing within it. Took a tentative sniff. Choked as the strong smell filled his nostrils. i know what effect you're going for here but i don't think it works. He looked at it; examined the dark liquid sloshing within it. Took a tentative sniff and choked as the strong smell filled his nostrils. "Hey, is that lighthouse?" do you mean: "Hey, is that a lighthouse?" "Hey, is that the lighthouse?" ? okay, i finished the third chapter. this chapter definitely reads more like a children's book than any of the others, which is both good and bad. good because if you want to make this a children's book then this is the type of chapter that would get the book published, style-wise. bad because it doesn't really match up stylistically with the preceding chapters -- it doesn't have the same i've-read-the-dictionary diction that the others do. so far your story is a mishmash of styles, which you've already made clear that you're aware of. but now that i've read half of part one i can see how that poses a huge problem. it's going to take some serious work for you to make this story consistent, which sucks since you have something really cool, unique and enjoyable on your hands. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
A gloom had descended upon her, a faint depression seemed to linger in the pulchrid whisperings of the mist. A gloom had descended upon her; a faint depression seemed to linger in the pulchrid whisperings of the mist. eyes staring sightlessly out window to the faded lawn beyond. eyes staring sightlessly out the window to the faded lawn beyond. As she reached the door, she decided that for some reason unknown to her, she couldn’t face walking through the carcass of the old building. i find it odd that she *decided* that. maybe she 'discovered' it? 'found'? Rich white clouds by, floated by? drifted by? rapidly sped by with blind, murderous rage? When she awoke, she saw droplet of thinning mist all around her. droplets Her cotton dress was moist where she had been lying on the lawn, an unpleasant dampness had seeped through the material onto her skin beneath. this is redundant, humbert. Her cotton dress was moist where she had been lying on the lawn. is good enough. away from the mist, away from Thomas John Reynfield. uh, what? “My name is Thomas Daniel Crowley—but,” oops. which one is it? She felt cursed, cursed with oversensitivity, cursed with imagination. She felt cursed: cursed with oversensitivity, cursed with imagination. i know i'm supposed to be keeping my mouth shut about commas and such, but i still think punctuation is one of your biggest issues. but since i want you to keep reading my suggestions, i'll try to refrain from speaking of it again. She thought of Miles. Miles, little Miles, he had seen what she had seen that first time they had gone to the crumbling building. bah, speak of the devil. there are many options here, but since i already suggested a colon for the previous sentence i thought of this: She thought of Miles -- Miles, little Miles. He had seen what she had seen that first time they had gone to the crumbling building. i just want to give you an id |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
i just want to give you an idea of what you can do with it. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
they seemed to having such a good time that her intrusion might not be welcome they seemed to be having such a good time that her intrusion might not be welcome They’re resoundingly metallic footfalls echoed down to her. Their resoundingly metallic footfalls echoed down to her. Alice rounded the lighthouse until she found the metal stairs which led up to the walkway. She walked up them, her light tread making no noise. She reached the top and was immediately run into by Dominic. Alice rounded the lighthouse until she found the metal stairs which led up to the walkway. She reached the top and was immediately run into by Dominic. as a quick example of how to make it tighter. “Do you know anything about that old building down there.” “Do you know anything about that old building down there?” I never been inside, just being on the outside is bad enough. I never been inside -- just being on the outside is bad enough. she could imagine a romantic hero saving a bedraggled damson from those waters down below damson? wha? is this some really clever reference that i'm missing? and if so, do you think your audience will get it? right, so i've finished chapter four. The Lighthouse. i don't have much to say about it, other than to reiterate what i've said before: i still think the smugglers cave stuff should come earlier in the story, before the monsters, and i still find that while the characters are certainly likeable, i can't bring myself to care about them. but you say you have some history stockpiled, so i'll try not to worry too much about the latter issue. i'm going to stop here. i'll continue reading either sunday night or monday, but i'll still be around if you have anything you wish to discuss. i am one tired optimus prime. |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
| |||||||||
|
|
anything you want to ask? |
||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
|
Messageboard index
|
|||||||||
