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 (nobody)...and 341 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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Members 8025Messages 2614151 Today 3 Topics 127544 |
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7 months ago, my girlfriend and I broke up. We had been dating for just over 2 years. When we first started dating she lived here in the same town I do, but soon she moved away to become a full time college student while I remained a full time cubicle drone living in the house I had just bought about an hour and a half away. For 2 years, we took turns driving back and fourth to see each other on weekends. During the summers, she would live with her parents here in my town and we would get to see quite a bit of each other. This fall however, the burden of our distance caught up to us. She decided that she could not maintain a relationship with me and also have a life of her own where she lived, and that it was impossible for her to grow as a person splitting herself between these two worlds. I understood this, and the relationship ended. There was no cheating, lying or fighting; it was distance that was out demise. For the next several months, we barely communicated. At first this was at her request, thinking that communication with me could tempt her away from the life she was attempting to build apart from me. In recent months however, we have been talking more... the occasional email, the brief late night phone call. In these recent exchanges, we had begun to talk about how we might be able to be together again. We were both still in love with each other and we both felt it unfair to deny ourselves that bond, a bond that was still very strong after all this mess. I let her know that by April, I would have concocted some strategy that would be the basis for our future.. and on Sunday, I drove to meet her, to let her know that I was moving there.. to live with her. I feel that this is what had to be done. While the decision may appear rash, if it were not orchestrated immediately, then all hope of ever being together again would be lost. I would much rather fail at trying, than fail because no effort was made. We are both excited about what's happening. And we are both remarkably positive |
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about what is in store, this being a true testament of our feelings for each other, as most people who move away from each other and barely talk for 7 months do not decide, in one day, to move in together. This is wherein lies my reasoning for posting.. Naturally, the two of us have some concerns about the arrangement. Chiefly, how do we transition from not seeing or hearing from each other, to living together? I plan on moving in June/July, but details need to be worked out as soon as possible. The whole thing is as strange as it is wonderful. I know it's a bit odd to seek counseling on an electronic music messageboard, but honestly.. you guys are some of my dearest friends. And the only real friend whose opinion I care about is a member of the community as well, so I thought I’d see what everyone thinks. Does anyone have a similar experience, could anyone provide me with some guidance? I know this is a very long post, and I thank you for taking the time to read through it. I've really had to leave out many details, but hopefully I haven’t skewed the point. Thank you for your time. |
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wow. i know from experience that long distance relationships are a really hard thing to maintain, and it's no wonder it has caused strain for you 2 in the past. i guess if you think this is the best option, than it is. i would say be prepared for a bumpy transition. if it's not, then cool... but expect it to be disorienting. i guess my advice would be to BE AWARE... of HER and her thoughts and feelings, and of your own. patience is also necessary for 2 people who are making a big step like this. |
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Don't over analyse anything...just do what ever you feel like doing at the time and never have any regrets. |
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oh, and i forgot... good luck. |
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Good luck indeed. All girls I've encountered are nothing but trouble. |
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first GOOD LUCK to BOTH of you! second, a question. have you ever lived together? IF not, you should set up some ground rules from the GET GO about that (everything, even the littlest details about who will do what/when), cos that is one of the MOST stressful things you can do, especially with what little contact you've had over the past several months (and i'm assuming never having lived together before). third, only similarity i have is having a long distance relationship, which has it's ups and downs. that said, it's THE MOST important relationship in my life (next to my immediate family) and the WORK it takes can be daunting, but i wouldn't change anything about it, for the moment cept being a closer flying distance so i could visit more than once a month. i hope that you have happy news to report AFTER getting settled. just take things a day at a time, and keep in focus your hopes for the future. REMEMBER little things MEAN A LOT! peas =0) |
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no, we have not lived together. please give me an example of one of these who what when little details.. i appreciate your advice.. i'd like to know exactly what you meant by that. |
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little things mean a lot = never forgetting those lil romantic things that made her feel special in the beginning. it doesn't have to be anything more than telling her you love her and giving her a flower you picked from the side of the road. SMALL gestures mean more than BIG ones sometimes.......it's those little KINDNESSES that people remember, especially during the rough patches! in case you didn't know....living together can put a ROMANCE on hold. never forget the things you do/did to WOO her, as i mentioned above. everything you do for her, will usually come back to you 2 fold.....TRUST ME! things to make her feel special ......ie surprising her by making a romantic picnic dinner to have in the middle of your living room in the middle of the week, taking her out to see a sunset, holding her hand, and putting the toliet seat down.......i think you get the gist of it........T hee |
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you'll get no good advice from me, i'm a clown who's good for toilet jokes, nothing more, but no matter how silly it sounds, i'm with you :D don't forget you two are different people, don't demand anything from her, the only thing i can think of that saved a lot of relationships |
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i know it's not nice of me to say that, but LeCoeur will do you no good man :\ |
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why do you say that? i think her advice was spot-on. who better to give advice to a man on this than another woman? |
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hahahhahah you just can't resist HATING me.....i love it tho......keep it up it only makes me STRONGER lil boy! =b |
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wow. i think i just stepped into the middle of something here. i'm uh, i'm just gonna go now. |
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LETS STICK to ze topic! sorry i took the bait! no worries i can handle myself with this little kid, his nano second of my attention is ovah....... *is happy about Pom's good news* |
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yeah, a woman, but not LeCoeur, not her. many women get it all too wrong and live an inbred life of their own stereotypes and stupid rules and etcetera and i'm not very good at englihs so i'll talk no more "set up some ground rules from the GET GO about that (everything, even the littlest details about who will do what/when), cos that is one of the MOST stressful things you can do, especially with what little contact you've had over the past several months (and i'm assuming never having lived together before). " what a pile of uselessness >:( sorry, just don't EVER listen to LeCoeur |
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wow. there is SO much animosity on this board lately... kinda makes one think about taking a few days off. seems like everyday a fight or skirmish breaks out. ah well, some people just don't get along. oil and water. |
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dood, you can hate LeCoeur all you want, but keep it to yourself. She is contributing thought and honesty to help out another member of our community. If you disagree with her, fine, say why and have a discussion about it, but for fucks sake that last thing you need to do is needlessly flame a kind and gentle spirit for no reason. Pomme: listen to what LeCoeur says, good advice in there. You have followed your heart this far, trust it, but watch out for little things to catch you off guard, good luck mate! |
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Relationships are like plants. They need to be taken care of. The more work you put into them the bigger the chance you get a nice plant out of it ;-) Good luck to both of you and if it doesn't work out at least you won't be blaming yourselves the rest of both your lifes for not trying. |
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All women are cannibalistic, even if they don't literally tear the meat from one's bones. They devour time, money, attention, and give treachery in return. I have long learned to avoid them. --philosophy from the deck of Cabbog's pirate ship That said, does she mind videogames or getting her stereo equipment pissed on(in)? If she's okay with both of those then you've definately got a keeper on your hands. |
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"set up some ground rules from the GET GO about that (everything, even the littlest details about who will do what/when), cos that is one of the MOST stressful things you can do, especially with what little contact you've had over the past several months (and i'm assuming never having lived together before). " what a pile of uselessness >:( what a crap comment charles, the worst problem in living with someone is little stuff like house work.. what lecoeur just said might solve that problem, but it probably wont, but its worth a try anyway. what i'd like to say to pomme, DON'T promise to her to clean up etc. if you wont. be equal with her. don't be a bastard. (voice of bitterness) |
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I cant really offer any good advice since ive never been in a relationship of any kind for obvious reasons. All I can do is offer you something to consider. I realize that is a frietening transition. Going from barely speaking to picking wich side of the bed you want to sleep on. so here is my suggestion: Move somewhere close to her. Within driving distance. I dont see how this could (god forbid) harm the realationship. It would help you in these ways: 1)It would get you close enough in proximty to becoming her regular, steady boyfriend. Youre still both in love and you know each other intamatley enough. 2) It would allow you to have enough time to gradually rebuild the comfort level untill youre confident enough that its an appropriate time in your realtionship to move in together. 3) It would get you the hell out of Mayberry or where ever the hell you live. Youre considering moving to her town anyway, right?. Cubed Slave labor is in high demand across the country. Finding a job in a college town shouldnt prove so difficult. 4) If things went awry, and lets pray that they dont. a. Your not living with her. Preventing the nightmarish possibility of achward days of silence, and domestic violence. (not that your violent or anything, just an added precoutionary measure) b. Welcome to college girl country. Record your own girls gone wild tape. Then send it to me. As long as you have a job and housing. Why not do something drastic? You could rot in Punksatony alone for the rest of your life if you want. I hope you have a pretty cousin. |
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i'm inclined to agree with mr. dolleater. things COULD get weirdly just because the 'comfort level' (well put, by the way) may be a bit off because you've been apart for so long. it's not to say that you couldn't move in and be perfectly wonderful together and have it seem like no time has passed at all, but i'm willing to bet that the first little while will be uncomfortable for the both of you. i dunno. wish i had something constructive to add. heh. ah well. good luck, guy. =) |
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didn't read much of the later posts, but i think lecoeur is pretty much onto it. were you living alone before, or with other people? .. anyway.. this is going to be painfully obvious, point (but someone's got to make it right?) .. erm .. all i'd offer is more functional advice re: living together (not so much the romance side of things). make explicit, and be honest what needs to be done around the house, ie. cleaning/vacuuming floors, dishes etc. If someone is finniky about say the cleanliness of the toilet, this should be respected, we all have our little "things" From experience, implicit assumptions and such can result in a lot of uneccessary tension and stress .. putting everything on the table at the start saves a lot of potential heart ache later. it doesn't have to be a fascist cleaning regime, but just sort of a rough idea type thing? good luck dude .. take her easy |
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jobs come and go, this girl sounds important to you, do it if it feels right |
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Didn't read much of this thread but I think it's about a girl. I say shoot the bitch in the head and dump her in the river. |
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*feels another >500 post thread coming on :)* well if id advise you (and you were to follow it) things would prolly fuck up.. but i just wanted to say good luck to you! "I would much rather fail at trying, than fail because no effort was made. " thats the spirit! i hope thinks work out fine between you 2 |
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good luck to you in this situation pomme, i hope it works out good. i am in a similar situation myself right now, my girl has been in australia for the past two months, she gets back here in 2 weeks. i haven't seen her and only spoke to her about a dozen times since she has been gone. but when she gets back i will be sharing her house with her...! i am really worried that things will go tits-up between me and her, but the best thing to do that i can see is just give a shit about her even more than you did before! i have had 3 long term relationships now (4years, 2 years and 2 years), and have enough experience now to know how to handle the situation (i hope!). all i can say to keep things sweet is: 1. don't be a messy fucker! 2. never let her do your laundry, when she is washing your underwear for you, where's the intimacy/ secrets/fun in that? 3.take her out at least once a week to somewhere she wants to go, i.e. no snares gig type scenario.....ie dinner out somewhere. 4. buy her stuff. anything that shows you care. 5. never get caught wanking/ throw out your porn! 6. let her THINK she's in charge. good luck, let me know how it goes, i will need advice as much as you will! |
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i'd be exited if my bf would take me to a snares gig :(( or any gig (ok we're going to king crimson gig but anyway) |
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wow. totally fucking wow. |
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everytime i see this topic, i forget what its about and think pomme is dying or something... or hiding a body... |
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Good luck to you mate... *hugs* |
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Thanks for all the advice. I should clarify a few things. *I am obligated to my current job until possibly December. I plan on commuting back here during this time. There are 2 other people at the office that live there, so a carpool can be devised. My point being, If I were to move closer to her, it would be somewhat of a dissapointment as I could see as much of her if I didn't live there at all.. I do appreciate that advice though dolleater, if for anything, the fact that it wasn't 'woo, go for it dood!'. *We have until June/July before we actually move in to a place together. We plan on dating until then. Worst case scenario, we decide we hate eachother all of the sudden and we are out deposit money and first months rent.. somehow I doubt this will happen though. hmm.. I don't know. I'll let you know how that goes. *There are alot of references to cleaning/housework. *stares at ashtray with 47 ciggarette butts* wow, thanks for the advance warning on that. I am absolutely willing to do my part. But I am 24 and have been living completely by myself for over a year.. I do let myself go from time to time. There will be a learning curve, I'm sure. * She would probably really like to go to a venetian snares show actually. Shes a big fan of electronic music. In fact she's a member of the xltronic community and probably reading this right now. Hi. *Epohs, I know. I feel the same way. I know it had to be strange to hear about this on the board.. but c'mon, it's Holland. Of course it's going to play out all unconventional. Hopefully we can talk about this dude to dude esta noche. |
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great! now what the fuck am I s'posed to do in this shithole? *moves BACK to asheville* *sees kat* *realizes the permanance of my own singleness* *sepuku* |
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I don't hate LeCoeur LeCoeur's advices just don't work, that's all. Never. |
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>Dollater: You could rot in Punksatony alone for the rest of your life if you want. I hope you have a pretty cousin. I think this had the most impact of anything anyone has said. C'mon guys, there's a shitload of people online right now. Surely someone else has some input. |
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I’m an embittered old emotional cripple. I’d offer my standard pessimistic advice, but it’d prolly be me projecting fears of my own past failures onto you… plus, you’ve heard it all before, and undoubtedly will again. Fact of the matter is, she seems like a good girl from what few drunken memories I have, and you’re young enough to do crazy shit still. To R.: Just don’t break my pal please. |
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yo, one more keep yourself busy!!!! so as you bug the shit out of her all at once... gradualy then bug the shit out of her... unless it's finals week, oh yeah don't fucking bother her when she tells you she is busy with school, EVER!!! i fucking hate that shit!!! i am in a very sim. sit. as you can tell... |
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bill_hicks! where are you??? |
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man that is LOVE!! congratulations, you are feeling the best a person can feel ever... love if you two always put your love in every act nothing, can go wrong I wish you luck and I think she is lucky to have you my best wishes |
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Quiet or youll distrub my idiot grandson. Outsiders are commin? No Guthro, just play with your washboard. Shhhh... |
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