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 Now online (1)ijonspeches ...and 261 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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Members 8025Messages 2614371 Today 17 Topics 127560 |
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merry christmas? certainly not. terrible christmas, tho? nah. simply alone, bored; numb. i have synthesizers and some drugs and incredibly cheap food and a roof over my head so life is not so terrible. but the drugs are not particularly impressive; in particular i need actual weed. and christmas dinner like, a can of soup with some bread and the bread isn't mine and that might be a problem later. and i'm alone and it's been shitty and rainy today. but i have synthesizers and some drugs and so things are ok. i've idly daydreamed about being the only human on earf since i was a child [along with being stuck in the bathroom for eternity, for some reason] and today has those vibes. i intrinsically enjoy drugs and making music but then there's no one to listen to the music and it just feels kind of sad. i think i might construct something, because once it's done and you can hold it in your hand, that's satisfying continuously. as opposed to making music, where the track is done and we're alone and oh now what |
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🎄 don't you have parasocial friends on youtube? |
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I think the problem is in chasing joy or pleasure For example making tracks is enjoyable in itself as you mention, drugs not so much. Even making music can be a drag if you are pushing to feel the same pleasure each time you listen to a track or make them in a certain way (as then you are not chasing making tracks as of in itself but forcing what is to be done bevause of your expectations). You have to be open to the unkown which is impossible if you are chasing the same "high" each time. The chase of pleasure (hedonism) can only lead you to pessimism I need to work on something intensively and then let it rest while I work on something else with the same intrnsity, then let that rest. |
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oh, we're problem-solving? i was just checking in. i know how it is when someone has not been doing well and it's polite to let people know you're not dead so they can feel better, because otherwise is mean. but then things are not particularly good either, and what you're hearing is ~~ i'm not sure what to do with myself like: i'm alive.... hmm. maintaining this will take some sort of planning and where am i going with this? we're circling around closing out all the legal issues which leaves us with merely having lost my shit and right i paid off all my debt before and theoretically i could get fat in an office again but the economy is worse this time and i have no weed. with the gear, well, i could fuck with it all day and find that enjoyable and here's a track as the result. it's not chasing a high it's more like jerking off and who wants to press my cum rag to vinyl then there is the acknowledgement of this and we go back to my life situation and "i may as well fart around with music gear i really don't have any agenda in life right now it all seems incredibly meh to me" |
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just kind of like -- ohh, hm, no. i can't go to bed quite yet; it'll hit harder if we wait an hour or two before sluggabedding. evening out a liminal existence like turning a potato |
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saving the two bananas for tomorrow having cheerios with enough milk for another round tomorrow. with a microwaved mug of coffee. nailed it. back to bed soon |
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We cant expect anything but trouble. Only when facing a harder problem is that we think that the problems of the past were not trouble at all. "i may as well fart around with music gear i really don't have any agenda in life right now it all seems incredibly meh to me" Sounds great to me really. Just make it "sacred" instead of "meh" Maybe ive had too many drugz but i find life making music for the sake of it is one of the best ways to live. If you have to make music for the sake of others you may as well die, what is the point in pleasing others? Same happens with knowing, you have to figure out things in your own terms for them to make sense at all, fitting in and merely playing your part as others see fit is a curse, as it is the surface of knowing or making music or whatever (This fuckery is my way of checking in btw) |
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ohh hm meh meh meh meh ohh ohh ohh hm meh meh meh meh oh hm no no meh meh no meh hm ohh no no meh meh hm no meh ohh |
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nah nah meh meh meh hm no ohh |
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you totally didn't even process what i was saying, duder. i opened up this thread saying i enjoy music "intrinsically" ~ meaning i enjoy the process in and of itself, for just the process. nowhere did i say i was doing it for anyone. the post at large was just a reflection on how it is, ultimately, just wanking; a waste of time. like i said, when it's over, it's over, and i just have a recording of no interest to anyone. then reflecting i should maybe build something instead, because it's satisfying to be able to hold something in your hand or wall art hanging or something. i'm supposed to move my stuff down to the flooding basement but it's flooding. yeah, a harder problem can make you reflect on how easier your earlier problems were... but then you solve a harder problem, and you just... have all the old problems still? and behind them are more problems? that you have no food, job prospects out here are shit, just telling assholes fuck off, i don't want to trade for your shitty custom guitar pedal, i need CASH? then it feels especially stupid that you just spent a few hours on music or art or whatever because now it's time to eat the one banana i have left i think i give up on local routes i'm just going to list my gear on reverb or somnething |
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nevermind. hello. bye again |
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i could use some work, i guess i should mention here. i can code, write, compose, build synths, i've worked deep in the guts of video for years, spent five years in automotive services in between that. over a decade doing damage control on others' PHP disasters before that [but npm/react etc has proven every level the disaster i feared it would be with dependency poisoning so i'd rather not touch web stuff now]. i love hacking unix and i think i'ma go do some of that next. i'll take a job moving boxes but i don't have the sunny disposition required for a cashier. i'll work fourteen hours in a go but i'm NOT a morning person. i feel like everything i do is either overlooked or parceled up and sold off for someone else's profit and please give me the motivation to do something, and money for food and rent. because with the level of what i am; what i have on tap -- if there's not a good place for me, well, i daresay humanity is fucked. like, this is not enough? then stuff it; we're over. never mind that there are certainly better than me out there; this should be enough, yo. right now i feel like i'm just pissing away my talent scrounging for food when i could be doing something interesting. it's not that i'm too proud to move boxes or some shit [i actually kind of enjoy physical jobs like that] it just feels like i'm selling my talents short by taking something simply because it's available and help. i want to actually do something with myself not this miserable grind shit |
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let's help epicmegatrax find something to do with his life. yes. that's a good target |
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seems like elon wants to import indian people because they're cheaper this might have something to do with my shituation |
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"There is plenty of us talent, maybe you are not offering enough," wrote Eben Plettner. "I work Almost 60 hours most week And have been a lead system's engineer on several defense projects and yet every time I turn a resume in to your companies they get rejected. I've been told it's because of my salary." "Because wages are too low," replied Joshua Fontanilla. "Because they are being systematically replaced by foreigners. You’re going to lose a lot of political capital on this issue bro." "I see tech company's laying off tech high skilled tech workers all over the place the past couple years," wrote another Musk follower. "I am an engineer of 10 years with plenty of friends that can't even get an interview after months and months. Where are you getting this imformation (sic)?" https://www.msn.com/en-us/money/companies/elon-musk-followe rs-turn-on-him-after-he-backs-importing-super-talented-engi neers/ar-AA1wu19F yeah, yeah. writing music with $$ gear is an aloof well-to-do leisure activity when you get down to it. my initial post, this is kind of what i'm saying. guilt over like.... gosh this is such a waste... i should be... etc... and then i have this attitude and shits like elon musk are hammering to import deperate people to undercut the engineering market even more. then a bunch of assholes suggesting i go on disability. this is how you piss away talent america |
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Capitalism itself is a total waste of our talents and lives. But I guess i is easier to serve our masters doing mindless activities that generate profit for them instead os adressing our condition. The only good and noble thing to do, and in which you should use all your talents, is the adquisition of knwoledge. If you can go for dissabilty or get an income for doing nothing then go for it and use your time wisely. Stop wasting it in delusions of having control over the objective world Cheeeerz! |
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Fiddlers remorse |
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