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marketing update
 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-04-05 00:01 [#02634523]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



agoording to thos "coogle flaps" apphonlication, the slogan
for one duckin donuts corp is "Energy For The Fun of It"

...and you can tell the meetings were like: "Our brand is
about ENERGY! and FUN" and we went up at "Energy For The Fun
of it"

and this one, well, it's still one of the worst i've seen
and i think this every time i see it. Energy For The Fuck
Off

their coffee tastes like trucker balls. or so mermaidman
told me


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-04-05 00:49 [#02634534]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



how would i fix this? i would market it like

Dunkin' -- Keep on Dunkin'

and their name is dunkin and the slogan is keep on dunkin
with dunkin at dunkin keep on dunkin

maybe they tried this and robert crumb rightfully sued.


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-04-05 00:52 [#02634535]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



it's pretty hard to lose if you turn your brand into a verb
-- like, "brb, gonna dunk" which is where it lands for
brevity after people have been saying "brb, gonna dunkin"

that you have a name that is easy as shit to do catchy
things with, and... Energy For The Fun Of It? fire the dumb
bitches that picked that immediately. i'm sorry. truth
bullets


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-04-05 01:00 [#02634536]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



while i'm recycling gripes -- i hate the app-era class of
tech startup names. where they are shooting for a 4 or 5
letter thing where they've deleted a couple letters because
you're a dumb monkey on a phone who cannot type more than
five characters without losing your fucking mind.

e.g. "Track your poops with Ploprâ„¢" and it sounds like
plopper like poop but it sounds like phone instead, get it?

no? you're clearly still using Wankrâ„¢ then


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-04-05 01:38 [#02634538]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



i try using Ãœbrâ„¢ and the price it shows me is... really?
really?

"oh, it must be doing the shit where this isn't the real
price, and as soon as i order it, it'll hang and i have to
try again and the price will go back up to normal"

but no, this is some Brand New Shit. the call goes right
through and it's making like it has a car on tap and...
"Would You Like To Upgrade To Not Waiting For A Fucking Car
For $5" and i say fuck off. then it's continuing to say: oh!
a car! ...wait, shit, nm and then it picks a man who... not
only from the name, am i certain this car will be a foul
miasma of ethnic B.O. but he's so far out that the place
could fucking close before he finishes a trip, drives
through a shit ton of rush hour traffic, then drives me
through more of the same

so that was the scam. the low price was a lie and now you're
jerking me off because i didn't upgrade. i get vocal with my
fone in these sort of contexts, and i literally yelled "STOP
FUCKING JERKING ME OFF"

and i open the competing app, Mstacheâ„¢ and it gives me a
price that is not great but entirely within the bounds of
normal and i say sure and it says a car will be there in
three minutes and i have just enough time to cancel the
other shit before it's been long enough for them to say they
can charge me for cancelling. when it'd take that B.O.mobile
a half hour to get here, for real

that is precisely how you take someone who went to you first
choice, drove them off; put them in a position where they
may not go to you first choice next time. dara
whatever-his-name, you pampered ivory tower shit. go back
and read the steven levy article about yourself again


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-04-05 01:51 [#02634539]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular | Followup to EpicMegatrax: #02634538



and i literally yelled "STOP FUCKING JERKING ME OFF"

mm, no, not quite literally. it's more like, i was quietly
using my phone, and if you had been at the kitchen table
lost in quietly reading the paper it would have been like
"STOP FUCKING JERKING ME OFFâ„¢" and it would have jolted
you mildly in contrast to me just working on my phone in
quiet like a normal chap. but no, that wasn't really
actually a yell


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-04-05 02:00 [#02634540]
Points: 25264 Status: Regular



Uber® -- Stop Fucking Jerking Me Off™
Visa® -- If You Can't Buy It With Visa It Must Be Some Kind
Of Fucking Bullshitâ„¢
Wayfair® -- Overhiring Means The Furniture Must Be
Owsumâ„¢
Amazon® -- Smile Like Glasgow™

i think there's another thread in this! [...he says. as if
we need another]


 


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