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 (nobody)...and 69 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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Members 8025Messages 2613722 Today 3 Topics 127517 |
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that i should really paint it like it is: i have a thought and i dash it off. the thought leads to a following thot and i'm back. at this point i'm dodging work and a part of me likes this very much so i keep writing. at that point some sort of momentum takes hold and i turn into a juggernaut. that i know i've written this somewhere before as i do it, i simply can't remember, for sure, if darius asked me about adderall before and that was my reply. because yep, pretty sure. and that's the same answer i would have then. but i can't say for sure that's where i last dropped that old grandpa story to deepen my reply, in 2016 it went something like: "i've hit upon this exciting vein of ideas. maybe i could goof off on a bunch of adderall instead of working? this sounds fantastic" and i miss having that few bills, i have to say. and that much room to fuck around. but i got so deeply high-level fucking around in that zone i can wander back anytime |
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now here are even more tedious details: when, somewhere in bullshit thread, i'm saying "i was entirely sober when someone changed lanes into me" i'm actively then writing about taking a mental inventory and making sure this is true, and what i come back with is a can of yellow red bull and that sends me on another writing tangent -- but, no, i was literally too broke to afford a can of red bull when someone totaled my car, so unless there was something strange in the tap water i was, truly, sober, i had not even had adderall in perhaps a year and a half at that point and there is, probably, that i had that leading edge and recalling blah blah but then we're into conversations where i say -- no, that actually wasn't a factor here. i'm just a fucking odd duck |
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are you bored yet? around 14-16 i started to have enough algebra to write real computer code and i began to get very focused as i then started to get into web servers and php and mom would knock at the door asking about dinner, or whatever. and then mom would have to ask again, because i have this tyrannosaurus rex of... hang on... just have to finish... typing thi- and mom got very tired of having to ask again to the point where it started to sink in and i then found myself in a strange nebulous zone in between. that i feel a buffer of sorts, like, i can finish typing the rest of the line before the buffer disappears and i lose whatever mom just said. but i can hold off processing that enough to finish... this... much. and then i play back what mom just said and at that point mom's job got slightly easier my medication at that point was a bunch of horrible, boring risperdal serzone antidepressants, assholes tinkering around, after one switch i gain 20lbs and i'm fat for 20 years so when i pulled that off at 15 or something, i was actually, arguably, on anti-drugs. like, lead weights on my legs and that's not enough to stop me from getting to that mental state or noticing how, actually, even earlier than that, 13 maybe, how songs triggered goosebumps and i see where those starts and since then i can give myself goosebumps voluntarily [if i sit there and focus; it's not like a lightswitch] what were we talking about again? right. i'm just a fucking odd duck. who was like: drugs? this is just what i need to become even stranger. then that's been taken care of and i'm very excited to keep dodging work writing bullshit thank you for reading my post(s) [what was this thread about again?] |
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lol sorry for pestering you and forgetting about it. i suppose at least my concerns are persistent! |
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i've heard that if you're consistent, that means you're incomplete i was just playing back "wonderboy" by tenacious D in my head, for no reason [or rather i could find reasons but i really suspect they'll be boring toss] and i get to the part VOCIFEROUSLYLONGrunnonsentenceBECAUSEheHAS.A.HUGE.FUCKINGPO where jack black is doing one of his INtpowersthatareequaltoorperhapsgreaterthan--- gguuuUUUGGHH that he'll pause in one of his red-faced, every bit of air he's got bits like that, and literally just guzzle air because he's run himself right to the end of his lungs and FUCK YOU I'M NOT DONE YET and since he's worked himself into the corner let's just play up guzzling the air too i'm actually very much like this |
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on NPR's "wait wait don't tell me" they're on about some chinese hotel having a schtick where you sign a waiver and then you can spend the night with a live tiger in your hotel room. one of them quips, "...but tigers will kill you if you turn your back on them, so it's important to be the big spoon" and then another one of the talking heads gets all wistful, like "awww, now i want to snuggle with a tiger" after you get past "it's an intellectual trap to just anthropomorphize the behavior of animals and then simply stop thinking" you get to the arguably much-easier-to-get-ya "it's emotional trap to anthropomorphize animal behavior" which leads to the ultimate corker, "ultimately i want this to be nice and beautiful and i'm always going to give it the benefit of the doubt but i have to point out to myself how many times i've been tricked into attempting to spoon with a tiger" -- that is, thinking an ugly thing is beautiful simply because that means not considering that it may be ugly. it actually pains me greatly... you see me struggle, really, with something like "the socially constructive way to treat the matrix" i suppose and i am torn in a very real nub in between "if you make the movie about trans people you really do rob people of spiritual development they could get out of simply thinking about it on their own terms" and "trans people are not nuts for talking this up at all, esp. given the wachowskis, but you're effectively..." ...arguing that gender is a social construct, when it's a construct that goes above mammals. so it's hard to ask, like: what is transgender for? the answer may not make people happy, even though i really do my best to smooth things over. so far, though, all i have is: we're trying some new branch of evolution out. i can't tell you how it'll work or if it makes any sense yet |
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"sometimes things just gotta play hard" --Kima Greggs, TV Lesbian, The Wire |
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but if i then be blunt to the point of insensitive and say "you're an evolutionary experiment with an undetermined result" that's not very nice is it. i've managed to smooth things always this time, i suppose, i'm just saying i can't always promise it. but i will try |
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