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 Now online (2)Monoid big ...and 139 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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as good i am at understanding anything technical when i put my mind to it, my impatience is an even larger force -- and it is only when impatient bludgeoning doesn't do it that i actually dig and understand something. 2003. i remember looking at reasonable things currently on sale -- korg ms2000, virus A -- and then i impulsively bought a prophet VS on ebay because of something trent reznor said. and massively overpaid because i thought the keyboard version was worth more than the rack version [because, like, that's how the ms2000 was priced, obvs]. then i get it and i worry i've made a terrible mistake -- a feeling that continued for a few years, until i eventually realized it was one of the best decisions i'd ever made. the problem in between, essentially, was that i had no idea how subtractive synthesis worked. i would be writing music and think: "well, i want it to sound like ___ so i need to use this preset in reason and then turn this knob and that knob." because it takes no effort at all for me to remember "reason, maelstrom, preset whatever, turn the R on environment up" ... as before i knew that "ENV" meant envelope [and it's same as an envelope function in algebra] i thought ENV meant "ENVIRONMENT" and the reason i made this mistake is the "Env Amount" knob on a filter. if you think about what that does to any given synth patch, it's easy to see how you could fuck with that knob with zero understanding and conclude ENV stood for ENVIRONMENT it didn't help when the hartmann neuron came out, and had all those highfalutin parameter names, one of which was... environment i was thinking of this just now and having a solid giggle; good morning |
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oh my gosh. i have a corker: I BELIEVED MOBY he had a blog on his site 20 years ago -- a current post was about opening TeaNY and picking the robot art etc -- and amongst the posts he's saying things like: "i've only once ever had a one night stand with a fan and i still feel guilty about it" and laying it on to the point where you get the impression this guy never gets laid and he's incredibly intimidated by sex and i fucking believed every word. i was young. what a right bastard, moby |
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Leave Moby alone, you sexy beast! |
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i don't think moby needs any help being alone after how his book tour went [zing] |
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> he had a blog on his site 20 years ago -- a current post was about opening TeaNY and picking the robot art etc if you want to understand how my brain and i have a lot of fun, but it's a maddening problem child at times, understand that it's three days later and it's still eating at me: why do i remember reading this at my dad's computer? i had my own. oh, maybe i was home from college on break and it was at... no, i had a laptop? maybe i didn't bring it home? but... why the fuck wouldn't i? it was a six hour drive i didn't just go back overnight and... even i think this is kind of stupid. and it's like: okay, brain, time for C++ again. and brain just all: WHY THE FUCK WAS I READING THAT ON DAD'S COMPUTER? goodnite. i hope |
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confession ~ i'm actually going fucking nuts over... work and money, mostly and my mom is a turd i don't speak with lewis anymore one of my other friends just had his second kid pop out which means i won't see him for months either i should look at taxes my back is sore again my glasses broke okay now please focus on this C++ thing i could go on. but there's too much going on. which has made me worse at dealing with things... going on. and it is FUCKING EXHAUSTING to keep going on. blasting a zillion posts out here, i'm hiding. enjoying being impulsive when everything is exploding around me. i can kick myself off the board... or i can, "oh... dearie me, have i not pulled the lever to tempban myself? that's interesting" and let it keep going. so it keeps going and then kicked myself off. which will do again after this post. but fuck me, still not getting anywhere near enough done. the kitchen is full of dishes and i just dropped my good cans in the sink -- almost. very close call. just a bit wet. if those broke now, though, i really might off myself. because without them i will have so much more trouble concentrating and that was jarring enough. on top of everything else. that i get back to my desk and just start sobbing which can be dangerous, because it can keep going so i keep sobbing. i need to let it out, but it has to be a controlled burn. i feel the point.. and i stop crying. ok cool. also some DBT kind of stuff going on as i was sobbing -- that i'm rephrasing [everything is terrible etc] to [i am very upset etc] AFTER!! i had 2x thot ~ [there is a very reasonable explain for my postings ("blowing off steam") and perhaps i should share it] and [moby needs the previous paragraph very badly]. goodni |
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that i was also withdrawing from zigs earlier. this is fixed. earlier: suddenly my inner scientist is very fascinated. because it's either that or throw a chair into the wall, UGH I NEED Z A GISDGFcfbvg...arette nicotine withdrawal was amplifying certain personal issues. how fascinating my ability to recall facts, old memories, more or less normal. but then i'm not retaining a working backlog of what i've just thought -- e.g. i can remember a password from 20 years ago; my train of thought is coherent, but then my agenda is wildly different from one minute to the next. the context window on some LLM bot is effectively equivalent since my train of thought isn't subjectively abnormal, since i can pull facts and passwords back like normal, it's kind of hard to notice how much i am wandering around because i'm not retaining a working backlog of what i've just thought -- e.g. i can remember a password from 20 years ago; my train of thought is coherent, but then my agenda is to go out and smoke a fucking zig zing kerpow but, alright, nicotine flux has made me even worse just recently -- and i think i saw part of where this fucking rambling comes from and i'm really going out for a |
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Trust me, the future of music is the mp3. |
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did you ever check out those guys SUBLINER on mp3.com they made like $70k. i racked up about $5 excitedly waiting a payout threshold that was a cruel joke. but that's ok, my music then was like... acid 2.0 and some loops. then i get fruity and make some noises. was definitely on mp3.com for first trackers, impulse then modplug STOP DISTRACTING ME no, i need to write this down before i lose track of it. the writing, i'm realizing, is often my line back into this shit. my memories around when my dad died are... jumbled. that i can recall individual events all over but i have trouble which came in which order. that was also when i was on some of my peak tears in the bullshit thread it's hard to see you're all over the map when you're all over the map because you're a cactus in cheboygen that i said my memory recall in "ramblecannon" mode is normal, and that also means my memories from that time are jumbled, like normal so, point one: "oh, i'm inside a set of memories that will be jumbled like that" -- not as bad, i should note -- because i'm pinging around and not keeping that backlog, which seems to be important for more than just the here and now. and point two is... if it makes any sense... normal memories are already sort of more assembled, i'm seeing. a normal memory will come back fine, but i don't have the context window to [subconsciously] to do the extra work required for jumbled memories point three ~ this is all shades of gray; there is no normal memory or jumbled it's more like "reading is 0.68 out of 1" and so it is for absolutely all of this point four ~ coming back here to blow off some steam, well, there's lots of jumble in a nebulous pool. that becomes more nebulous when i want to blow off some steam. it melts down into slag and i think i had the TI-85 game idea before too point five ~ i am psychologically comfortable with everything going on someone just please write me a large checque |
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The Gay Awakening |
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point stfu ~ re: "oh, i'm inside a set of memories that will be jumbled like that" -- not as bad, i should note -- i meant right fucking now. when blast such a tear like last few days, i'm -- what was the phrase? high velocity or something? -- and so it'd be logical i'll have a harder time remembering the little details of this later. it still comes back, but i have to think harder. perhaps i wouldn't have to think about something normally, but this turns it into something i have to mull on for a moment. when i'm on a tear, my brain is doing a crappier job of that mulling behind the scenes, and this is about where i'll seem like a strange stochastic parrot [i'm guessing? i've really no idea what mp3 people experience] because not only am i not holding my writing agenda too great, but as i pull stuff off the shelf it pulls me into whatever stream i was in when i wrote it cool |
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The Gay Awakening i still haven't compared the two versions. i think it was mermaidman who actually named the fanfic |
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or russell but i do recall mermaidman stabbing fondue forks into his nipples [poke poke, i'm yelling and stabbing my nipples to heighten your subjective experience of my yelling, poke poke] and yelling about how russell deleted the discord despite my indexing issues i have some of the logfiles available. russell couldn't delete that |
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just little stabs. little beads of blood. he's all JFGDFGfg then poke poke for emphasis maybe he doesn't actually do this. i'm wrong sometimes |
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if you get me when i'm just blasting words and carefully maneuver me into the right context i'll think the same things over and dump out the logs for you no wait i've lost interest in that i like css border styles particularly double |
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The Gay Conundrum |
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infected bathroom it was infected mushroom's fault. this is "i thiiink" rather than "oh yeah," but i was just after i did the whole thing about the kick drum and someone might hear it on discord, and then when was the last time i listened to infected mushroom, that i thiiiiink i went on some ramble about could you pull back every time you listened to a song? that'd be wild. but i now am starting to feel pretty sure that was what pulled me down the rabbit hole. i fell through the caption below the image [the gay one] and operationally amplify it into a paragraph and by the time i've blown it up on an overhead projector into elmer's wheels, it's borrowing quite a lot, and then -- like the apple magsafe connector -- SNAP, i'm full on the same tip. keep going and more comes back. i redo god knows how much of it, snap out of it and say "i don't remember when i put elmer on the job" and then "oh yeah i got it now" and i come back out of the rabbit hole and i've "infected bathroom" on the list and all this shit about goa trance and repetition (which, by definition, involves gay sex) and i remembered his black shirt as purple both because he wears purple a lot but purple is a fruit [previously] and god damn. do you see how this. is. infected. mushroom's. fault it's always quite satisfying when i can, you know... is it a rabbit hole anymore? it's a dragon cave and i've come back alive out with something; i dunno. i don't play video games this is what i do instead |
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i wasn't listening to 'em when i fell into that caption, no. this was a few days after. i don't see any way to get it out of my computer to see for sure, but yes, that kicked it all off |
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1. infected mushroom 2. i black out 3. i wake up and the website is gay some nice scale invariance going on here |
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~ i was actually kind of scared i was going to pull this up and it was going to be like dan's records and welcome to the pleasuredome and infected mushroom. just the frozen output of some q-spewin' php. i guess we just talked about TI-85 game on discord then but that's reaching the level where "no, i needn't bother with sorting that out, won't be any good loot down there" |
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and also there were plenty of things i stole from myself and recycled deliberately. but -- fits the theory above -- it was very much "oh i'll use that thing" and i've dropped it in and checking where it came from never happened those ones i know i've done it to myself. in fact, allowing myself to do that may have something to do with setting it off. i'll keep an eye on it and next one i spot gets the freeze-frame [defined in bullshit thread somewhere] |
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My gay _comeuppance_ |
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fucking alcohol. pandemic, 2021, far too much whiskey and gin disappeared. that i'm lining it up, and: yeah, fuck. which makes me really glad i hung it up on liquor when i did things were starting to feel odd and i had a blackout here and there -- not remembering the last bit of the night -- which i've pretty much never gotten. i got to a doctor for first time in ages and it was kind of, like, i know what the answer is going to be when i answer how much i drink. so let's give the honest answer, and doctor's like "but i assume you'll be toning it down and that's part of why you're here" and nailed it. but i still keep some goon around. with my brain dfjgkdfg, would you believe that a nightcap can help a lot? douse my brain a little so it shuts up and i can go to sleep so that'll be the hardest part. but after seeing this i think i'm just going to go ahead and quit entirely. and fuck me, i really did get out just in time. i'm indiana jones bitch |
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and, no, awakening is much more apt as i feel i've written before [as noted -- i don't get much other than i can't tell you where i did this last] -- you know how when you wake up, it's like... what was i doing today again? and then an hour later it's all back in there along with all sorts of other stuff you'd have vast difficulty dredging up five minutes after waking? imagine stretching that out over a few conscious days. because i'm trying to imagine what it'd be like to watch someone go through that. like sleep fog gradually getting mopped up over a week or so and they're a bit more reintegrated each day |
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The Gay Agenda |
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part of the first round was whoever told me awakening was a gay genre also insisting it was the most apropos name for the fic. if i disagreed i was wrong now, in which i literally UGH [throw hands up] and stop in the middle of a post a proper journalist would reach out to Warp for comment, and document the attempt. tha up , before i even make a comment on my time like elmer hadn't heard back from warp before press time [within his timeline], which meant it's a comment about because warp hadn't gotten back to Elmer, i posted on here, more or less, "I hope Warp gets back to poor Elmer and explains he's been reading gay fic someone uploaded to Erowid as a trip report as a troll" ...and at the time, i was giggling as i wrote that. because my genuine opinion was: warp would never respond to someone who is clearly off their rocker like that. especially if he emailed until the server classed him as spam and stopped accepting emails. that, in my deliberate writing of it all, this was how it played out. and that was how it actually ended and so i stopped writing and went off and got some work done for an hour or such. then the intercom goes off in my brain: "Warp just got back to Elmer, and they were actually very nice about it..." and etc at this point, okay, i guess that isn't how it ends? so i went back and resumed as guided ...and that lag in between. i'm used to this as... lots of creative breakthroughs happen like that, to the point where sometimes i'll simply do nothing but spend time staring at subject matter and let something come out on its own and i am viewing this as: some processing needs to happen off, somewhere. it's not free. it takes some real time in reality but could it also be something deeper about, like, in order for elmer to get the right itself, reality, the planet, whatever, needed to run in realtime for a while because that's the only way it'd sync up the gating between chronos and kairos |
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i'll confess: i really don't want consciousness to be quantum, because i cannot fucking understand quantum mechanics at all on a walk now, i'm irritated: i'm gradually getting cornered into admitting the roger penrose is actually fucking right. i've joined the rest of the scientific community in saying "ppf! stoner" to him, but recently it's begun to feel like a last stand. that some of the things i am concluding, are, arguably, fungible, so it must be. the only reason i've held out is that i can explain synchronicity; paint a picture of something that is indistinguishable from psychic activity... with just classical mechanics. but there's been some recent papers on something something tubules 5 nanoseconds this is actually slow enough for the brain to actually use as part of how it works and... ...if it's about the passage of time in the universe and not merely a computer needing to process... like, the passage of time is the computation, perhaps... then, dammit, it's looking rather penrose effectively, elmer had to borrow some of my reality. i'm writing the end of the story before the middle; elmer doesn't have a linear timeline on earth. but then for it to be a "real" character who would behave in sync with reality on earth, some time on earth has to pass, to infuse it with the aroma of reality it could also simply be rhythmic. i'm on this tip because you see how i wouldn't have gotten back without that leap. perhaps my brain was out of sync and the concentric blade techno rings needed to line up before the intercom went off with the path back. arguably |
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oh, we've done the "last stand" with penrose before. possibly after a walk. that, actually, it's such a large structure maybe i cannot do all this once, and there's not enough room in my brain to handle certain chunks unless i forget some stuff for a bit. which, again, would fit the theory i've written "the gating between chronos and kairos" or such, but it might not have been here. it would have been end of last october or a bit after... and i'm dredging this up again because it's relevant to another chunk. i don't know man, i just work here. but it's a blast and i don't want to quit. i think i can tolerate doing my real job for a bit tho bbl |
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that would mean i'm paging entire chunks of my brain to disk. on xltronic. that's fucking hilarious |
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The Gay Covenant |
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The Page |
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that would mean i'm paging entire chunks of my brain to disk. on xltronic. that's fucking hilarious that i'm pretty sure i joked about this, but it was a long fucking time ago. like, first few pages of the bullshit thread a long time ago. and i've long viewed a pad of paper as an external memory, working on programming i need that to get anything done. and it's normal to take notes on complex subjects because you can't remember it all i've been catching more of these [penrose etc] and i'm starting to catch more and more in retrospect [mermaidman nipples was on discord] and then connecting that with "i had a funny feeling as i wrote that!" and as i become more familiar with this feeling it'll be more like penrose getting paged back in, and i might start to be able to do it without... ...well, if i have anything, it's a brass pair when it comes to saying something like, "if i am now so good at memory i can load parts of my brain in and out of this board, get used to however that felt. because no way in hell am i going to stop" but then it's watching me like slowly shed sleep fog on things over a few days, and this is just me loading stuff back from disk into my brain. |
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oh. i see now. if consciousness is quantum, that means it's essentially trying every solution at once (the essential core of why people want quantum computers, that) if it is quantum [and it's not tiered caching through the physical layout/development of astrocytes and other glia] and it's trying everything at once, that means once i wire into these shenanigans thoroughly enough [running cable, i called it] that it will actually cease to be a problem because i have absolutely no computational ceiling in this regard. and now, ok, i want to to be quantum. i love penrose |
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did you know tantra yoga means... tantra yoga is like loom, weave. they didn't know shit about neurons so it's all weaving metaphors. then, really, loom instead of weave -- the loom is their metaphor metaphor. so it's best translated as "metaphor yoga" i tour around these things and mine what i can; get out. but recently i'm having to go back for another pass |
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tantric, tantra, whatever. not the sex one. that's boring |
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i was/am rather attached to my astrocyte theory. it is a glorious trainwreck of neurology and computer science, backed up by evidence. if it's wrong, this still doesn't wreck the part about the thermodynamics of metaphor and you need to combine lambda calculus and thermodynamics for that and i don't know either of that shit i was literally reading about astrocytes for the first time, when i got a call, my dad had... glioblastoma. a particular sort. astrocyte cancer. which means you are crucially fucked; they're the brain's power distribution network never mind what it is, i was attached to it because that's a goddamn brainfuck of a synchronicity, and my dad, and emotion. and because quantum mechanics is hard and, at my core, i am a lazy teenager who refuses to not sleep in. i'd very lovingly built up a classical computer that could stand up to penrose, and perhaps this is actually... a limit i've placed on myself without realizing it. the no computational ceiling thing is not as dramatic as it would seem because it's like saying, "you can change the world" and then "alright go out and do it" -- you have to sit there and put the effort in to do anything at all with this stuff. it's like saying "linux is open i can make it do anything i want" and then alright then, go on and [fucking rewrite wayland to note composite with JS, what assholes etc]. and there's four years of your life and linux has moved on and your work means nothing without other people on board and no, it more just uncaps stuff i could do with all this if i take the time to set it up. if i've done all this before, maybe i'm right about astrocytes; it is a mere classical computer. odd to find that idea a bummer but that i'm getting a "funny feeling" -- this is "you're digging in the right place" and i've made first contact. and if i've made first contact, it must exist |
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i was thinking of the [big-university psychology psychedelics to help people accept death but never tried them himself because he wanted to remain objective... until he was diagnosed with cancer and towards the end, shit, alright] guy and it almost feels like he's sucking up to his psychedelic experience: "i am grateful for this cancer, i am. it is a gift [explained earlier in article]. but could i please have more life?" and they're all "no" and he didn't really note what his reply was there simply went on to say how he accepted as part of the natural part of things and i think: have you ever considered that you're a sucker, article guy? hypothermia is a hail mary pass that someone will find you before you're a popsicle when you're at a point where you don't have enough resources to continue wandering around lost in the snowy woods. it's kind of inconceivable we don't have some genetic whatever selected in so people don't become unmanageable pricks near the end; politely get out the way. mushrooms never told me anything that lame. maybe they were just appalled at his fucking ass-licking attitude. or maybe they're a trap and sirens coaxing you to accept what you could change just a thot. that i still want to slap that guy just thinking about it. he's dead and i've missed my shot |
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another walk. i realized: yes, i deliberately decided to rehash a post (a thread, actually) from here before. and sampler brain says it's a good fit, and i agree, so there it is. that's a good start, actually if i failed in a previous round it's because a part of me was still refusing to accept that i might even have to look at quantum mechanics, like an autistic child who will vomit up anything not orange. on the walk, more came back: people fucking hated me for that "but i've missed my chance" part and, well, i stand by my shit ok |
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if i was re-hashing for a second time -- "i stand by my shit" etc -- and we've done that too, well, actually, that just means we don't know yet. ah well. fuck it. it's a hobby. it kicks the piss out of any other hobby i can think of really |
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no. no. i think i replied to people rejecting a perfectly good caustic remark with standing by my shit within the same thread. that'd be better than a good start because it means i've condensed later parts of the thread into my re-hash i could find it. oh, later |
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i can't find it. when i said "people hated me for that" it was just belb, who might hate me now. the thread didn't get terribly far |
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jeez man i don't hate ya |
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if nothing else yr giving me something else to focus on in hospital |
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Hey man, sorry to hear you’re in hospital. I happen to be in one as well. Been 15 days, going home Saturday though which will be nice. What’s this thread about already? |
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Ah yeah. Does anyone here believe that confessing your sins (not necessarily in a religious setting or sense) is a good thing? I was told by a therapist at the hospital today that whatever I was rambling on about was “a tad christic”. I told her I was born guilty. |
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Christic is maybe only used in french in this sense I dunno. She just meant it as someone believing that suffering is good for you. (I have to add not for others, but suffering yourself) I’d rather be happy I think. And have a better vibe for others and the planet. And then you can help others. I’m rambling… haven’t had a smoke in ages and just had a crafty one with a patient. I feel mildly paranoid, oddly. Must be the setting. |
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Someone from the board is visiting next week! Who could it be? |
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Word to the hospital boiz get well soon |
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I had a meeting at the church/cathedral/Abbey today and that was one of our subjects to discuss. I was also called upon to read out a passage from the Bible and, despite my best intentions, I can't help but ham it up and I made a Northern Bird laugh. I imagine Jesus was cool with it, as it was Ild Testament |
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*Old Testament, you wet bollock. |
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