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 (nobody)...and 43 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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Members 8025Messages 2609414 Today 9 Topics 127256 |
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anxiety balls |
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so i am on my morning hike and notions are nagging: you're short on time today. so i start jogging. broke my record for a distance streak on that. piled back into my car and my overnutty brain just tears through the permutations: where is the traffic? what roads do i take to dodge it? i have an appointment at 9:30 and i don't want to be late. i need to stop at home first. pee, eat, change out of sweaty clothes. i need a half hour to get there. by the time i head back out i have twenty minutes. stressing already. permutations fly out again: take route A get off at this exit take a right at the light and that's mostly it. or is it? before i even enact the full plan, i realize i've bodged it... but, it's too late. i start to freak out. i'm late and i have the roads wrong. i'm not sure precisely how to get back over to the correct roads and i am currently following an incorrect route. then i tell myself: calm down; enjoy the ride. i get to some buildings and am slightly relieved: i know this area, vaguely, and i am heading in the right direction. i program the GPS at an intersection; traffic is fierce. dodging ambulances and teslas and trying to watch the GPS. then, i tell myself: i got this. why am i nervous? i relish the challenge of driving and multitasking. balancing the phone on my leg, i light up a cigarette and navigate the shit out of the traffic. i get to the vague area and the GPS sends me on a loop. again, anxiety. i tell myself: you're doing the best you can. calm down and just let it work out how it works out. i find the place. turns out the appointment was at 8:30, though. |
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i apologize. sinking misery and panic. then i say to myself: you did the best you could. you tried. i calm down and enjoy the drive back. i have another appointment at noon, and this time, i am sure about the time. i know exactly where it is. i decided i should type this up in the anxiety thread, because there were a half-dozen points of anxety in this story that would have sank me completely a couple years ago. points where i could have gotten emotionally stuck; stopped functioning. stopped trying. endlessly nannying myself is frustrating and exhausting, but, in the long run, it pays off. i remember previous times i've gotten lost, or been running late, and how i got into a complete panic over next to nothing. how i would have done fine if i'd simply not paniced... each time, i get a bit further. like, i made very sure to confirm when the next appointment was as i was apologizing for being late. if i'm not sure about it, i'm apt to panic next time, because i messed it up this time. again. as long as i handle it right and don't panic, though, next time will be better |
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oh, yes: if it had actually been at 9:30, i would have more or less been on time, despite all the roadblocks along the way. |
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and other descriptive things |
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&c &c |
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