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 Now online (1)big ...and 524 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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Members 8025Messages 2614088 Today 1 Topics 127542 |
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hey guys i wrote a this was written before i started weaning myself off of gross verbiage, but it's not nearly as wordcore as some of the others. there's also a brand new, post-verbiage story up called Nada Tall. |
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I read maybe 1/3 of nada tall and got confused with the sudden choose your own adventure and lost interest. |
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hey this is really good. |
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Only a buffoon would call this 'really good' The prose is stunted and unnecessarily wordy. You often explain in 20 words what 5 could accomplish with more impact. Also, the way you qualify descriptions seems somewhat odd. For example, I would never equate "trashy eighties makeup" with "elegant lines of red". All the work I read from you is the same; you write for yourself and not your audience. This is bore out by the way you write about your own stories, basically self aggrandising piffle. |
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thanks, i took that bit out. |
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I leanrt my lesson last time. |
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just kidding. its shit |
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did you change your mind because ecnadniarb and dog_belch didnt like it? go on, be honest. |
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It's always good to gain other perspectives on your work - it's easy to become self-indulgent and lose sight of driving force behind a work :] |
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that was aimed at i_x by the way! |
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how else would i become cool? |
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Oh, ah, I see now - I thought it was aimed at Optimus. |
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i retract that comment. im sorry my memory is not super human and bow down to your supermeganess. |
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I don't have time to read too much of it, but I did read up until the fox explained the mission to the boy. There are a few sentences in there that are really verbose. I like the story itself, but your word choice seems a little contrived. Moderate your use of "BAM" phrases--phrases that are supposed to make the reader say "wow", and the ones you choose to keep will hit harder. And I think ecnadniarb is following his own advice here -- he's writing for his audience. Some of his criticisms might be valid, but there's no reason to be such a prick about it. In fact, being a dick in criticism tends to make the person LESS likely to listen to you. Ecnadniarb's audience is everyone on the board besides you. He's just a hot shot masturbating his ego. |
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If I made a story right now it would be called lemon meringue ass dumplings, but I'm not going to make a story right now. |
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No, my audience was the person I was responding to...believe it or not I don't give a fuck what some jumped up gobshite from the chicago area, or anyone else for that matter, thinks about what I type. |
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You don't care whatosever. Hence you responded. Makes sense. I bet you don't give a fuck about anyoe or anything. Are you fond of leather and sun glasses, tough guy? Your act is just cheesy. No one in the world actually acts like that. You're just an internet personality. |
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What the fuck are you on? I was just correcting the fact that you were wrong about my motivations in posting the response I did. Of course I give a fuck about people I care about but the fact that I don't care about silly little passages of text on a screen led you to believe it was a tough guy image? Wanker. |
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You DO maintain an elitist, tough guy don't-give-a-shit-fuck-you-attitude. And I just find it hard to believe you're as apathetic as you come off, because I've never met anyone who acts like that in real life. More evidence for this is the fact that you continue to defend yourself against me all the while claiming that you don't care what I think. I dunno man. It just doesn't add up. I just think you're really disrespectful, and far as I can tell (I could be wrong, I don't read this board all too much) no one calls you out on it. It was just wrong of you to belittle the original poster in the way you did. Criticism is great, and obviously the OP should expect criticism when posting his work here. But you went above and beyond what was required to express your grievances. You acted like a dick, and there's simply no justification for it. You can't get away with that shit outside the internet. Recently you posted a track. And though you could call it a "nice" track, it didn't contain one ounce of ingenuity or originality. Just a kind of fucked up beat that every single IDM fanboy makes and thinks he's started a revolution. Well la-de-da, you made something that doesn't go bom-chi-bom-chi. But I didn't say all that, did I? Instead, I kept it positive, and gave you a constructive suggestion, because insulting you won't help you make better music, and I'm in no position to act like the grand arbiter of music. Now why did I do that, instead of acting like an asshole? Because I respect the fact that you probably put some time and effort into the track, and maybe you're proud of it, and I don't want to shit all over your pride. But you don't extend the same courtesy to others. I observed that and figured you could use some of your own medicine. Sorry for this really long post btw. The topic probably doesn't merit as much discussion as we're having about it, and I don't really care to argue it to infinity. I've said what I wanted to say heh. Take care. |
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I know you're soft on the inside, big boy. |
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On the story: I started reading, but I never really got the feel I get from some of your other stories.. This one is just a text, in a way, while the other ones succeed in setting a mood early on and keeping you in it throughout. Setting a mood is, of course, a quality of a text that is hard to pinpoint to any particular point in the text, so I can't tell you what you should do differently or anything. I haven't read it all yet, but I'll be getting to it. I just thought I'd better write this before finishing because I wouldn't be saying anything more, I think... |
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are we online? |
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Jesus Fuck, I hope I never meet anyone like you in "real life". |
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You lost me after the "You DO maintain an elitist, tough guy don't-give-a-shit-fuck-you-attitude." at which point I started snoring, dribbling out of the side of my mouth with my eyes shut dreaming about the derby tomorrow. |
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hey i probably shouldnt get involved. and realise he's not worth sticking up for. |
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yeah, and then read every single story topic before that where you assholes come in with your acid smiles. fuck you. |
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oh shut up you stupid little tit |
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i hope your seventh birthday is a magical event. |
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for someone who is supposedly so literate and creative you think you'd be able to come up with a much better insult |
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really? so i guess in britain or whatever other miserable place you come from literacy equates to wicked insults. that explains a lot. |
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wonder when dog_belch is going to post again. i can almost *smell* all of the sweat dripping from him as he types up a whopper of an insult. |
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"Of course I do! I think everyone does,’ she replied. ‘In fact, you could say I’m changing right now!’ And she teasingly began undoing one of the straps of her frock. " I liked that part, but the rest went a bit over my head. |
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nice, a thread with argueing and trash talking, and I'm not involved! |
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Well, I've read this story, and most others you post here. I enjoy them all because I find them to be refreshing in a unique way, to offer criticism would be a bit pointless. you're not an established author so you know what needs touching up on, and how you truely enjoy writing. you do whatever it is you do, and you do it well. thanks for the read. |
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I forgot to mention that I liked how you never called the fox "he" or "him" or anything, but instead kept to "it." |
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who's this then, ceri jc's less civil but equally verbose cousin? |
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wanted to verify the talkativeness.. 'they' removed the thoughness page =( |
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