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Eight-Pound Man Removed From Womans Vagina
 

offline Archrival on 2002-02-11 13:48 [#00085282]
Points: 4265 Status: Lurker



ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In a bizarre case that has baffled
medical professionals across the country, surgeons at
Albuquerque's Veterans Memorial Hospital removed a living
eight-pound man from the confines of an area woman's vagina
Monday.


Above: Hessman
The unusually small man, who has refused to identify
himself or give a reason for his presence in the vagina, was
extremely disoriented throughout the incident, and,
according to eyewitnesses, was "nude and covered in blood
and gore." Though the man strenuously resisted rescue
attempts, screaming and kicking wildly at medical personnel,
he has not yet been charged with any crime.

The woman, Ruth Hessman, a 33-year-old systems analyst
from nearby Winfield, was admitted to Veterans Memorial
Hospital late Sunday night complaining of strange, repeated
abdominal pains and contractions occurring at regular
intervals. When the painful episodes were five minutes
apart, her husband drove her to the hospital.

"We get all kinds of strange things here in the
emergency unit," said Dr. Carlos Mendoza, a surgeon at
Veterans Memorial, "but this was something new. At first
glance, Mrs. Hessman appeared to be obese, but upon closer
examination, it became apparent that she was actually
suffering from severe abdominal distension. After she
described her painful symptoms, we conducted an examination
of her vagina. Imagine our shock and surprise when we
discovered that there, looking back at us, was a tiny human
head."

After overcoming their initial shock, doctors
discovered that the grotesque miniature head belonged to a
small man. The attending physicians performed emergency
surgery to forcibly remove him, then notified local police.

"At this time, we have no idea how this man came to be
situated within the woman's vagina, or what motivation he
might have had for being there," said Albuquerque police
chief Burke Manning. "His dazed state, public defecating,
and lack of clothing suggest that he is a mentally ill
homeless man wh


 

offline Archrival on 2002-02-11 13:50 [#00085285]
Points: 4265 Status: Lurker



who was seeking shelter. Yet it's hard to believe that
someone so feeble and mentally disturbed would be capable of
such an intrusion. We have not ruled out the possibility
that he had help."

Manning is advising Albuquerque residents to stay
calm. "This is likely an isolated event," he said. "But we
are nevertheless considering conducting a search of all area
vaginas to see if any more small, naked men are on the
prowl."

The eight-pound man has thus far refused to cooperate
with police, responding to all questions with strange
gurgling noises. He is also prone to sudden, violent mood
swings, resting peacefully one moment and wailing
uncontrollably the next. Adding to the difficulty of
establishing the man's identity is his lack of fingerprints
and teeth, making a match with federal records impossible.

"This man seems to have undergone some sort of massive
trauma within the last 24 hours which has, in effect, wiped
his memory clean and turned his mind into a blank slate,"
Mendoza said. "To be honest, this case couldn't be any
weirder if a stork had dropped him out of the sky."



 

offline dave from saskatoon (Canada) on 2002-02-11 14:16 [#00085310]
Points: 1135 Status: Regular



wow funny little man


 

offline Chri5py from my Solarbear (United Kingdom) on 2002-02-11 14:21 [#00085314]
Points: 2903 Status: Lurker



That is seriously funny.... If anything can be serious and
funny at the same time... ?


 

offline aron from saskatoon (Canada) on 2002-02-11 14:27 [#00085318]
Points: 3756 Status: Lurker



that's fucking crazy!


 

offline Ophecks from Nova Scotia (Canada) on 2002-02-11 15:25 [#00085334]
Points: 19190 Status: Moderator | Show recordbag



That's so strange, that I CAN'T find it funny... ew!


 

offline Ophecks from Nova Scotia (Canada) on 2002-02-11 15:27 [#00085336]
Points: 19190 Status: Moderator | Show recordbag



OK, wait a second... just finished reading this... what the
fuck?


 

offline Archrival on 2002-02-11 16:00 [#00085348]
Points: 4265 Status: Lurker



Shit is ill!!!


 

offline MO2 from Minneapolis, MN (United States) on 2002-02-11 16:46 [#00085378]
Points: 321 Status: Lurker



hey Archrival, that sounds like it's from "The Onion".....


 

offline hevquip from megagram dusk sect (United States) on 2002-02-11 16:47 [#00085380]
Points: 3377 Status: Regular



what the fuck? is this real? i live in new mexico in a town
100 miles away from albuquerque and i didn't see this in the
news or papers or anything. i could've sworn though that
i've heard this story elsewhere.


 

offline MO2 from Minneapolis, MN (United States) on 2002-02-11 16:49 [#00085381]
Points: 321 Status: Lurker



No, I just checked it....its from the satirical newspaper
"The Onion"....probably the funniest shit you can ever
read...I pick it up every week


 

offline MO2 from Minneapolis, MN (United States) on 2002-02-11 16:50 [#00085384]
Points: 321 Status: Lurker



go to www.theonion.com


 

offline Ophecks from Nova Scotia (Canada) on 2002-02-11 17:00 [#00085386]
Points: 19190 Status: Moderator | Show recordbag



I actually thought it was real for a minute.

Me so slow.


 

offline Archrival on 2002-02-11 17:00 [#00085388]
Points: 4265 Status: Lurker



Yeah its some hilarious shit over there :)



 

offline AMinal from Toronto (Canada) on 2002-02-11 22:33 [#00085629]
Points: 3476 Status: Regular



hahahha
very funny:)

btw, in case u people are NOT being sarcastic w/ ur ignorant
remarks: its a baby being born u idiots! hehe : )


 

offline LeCoeur from the outer edge of the universe (United States) on 2002-02-11 22:55 [#00085643]
Points: 8249 Status: Lurker



yipessss.......and i thought lil ole albuquerque was
boring.......how wrong i am =)


 

offline pachi from yo momma (United States) on 2002-02-11 23:34 [#00085687]
Points: 8984 Status: Lurker



damn i was gonna say... how is that possible?


 

offline aron from saskatoon (Canada) on 2002-02-11 23:36 [#00085691]
Points: 3756 Status: Lurker



don't i look a fool now...
i belived it, and have been thinking about how that was
possible all day long!
lol - i am so fucking dumb!!



 

offline pOgO from behind your belly button fluff on 2002-02-11 23:45 [#00085709]
Points: 12687 Status: Lurker



How the HELL did the woman not notice ?!?!?

I mean.....from a female point of veiw..... OW !!


 

offline pOgO from behind your belly button fluff on 2002-02-11 23:46 [#00085713]
Points: 12687 Status: Lurker



oh yeah !

pOgO seems to have left the buildng !!

I'm just not all there today


 

offline Zombiekev from Ardmore (United States) on 2002-02-12 00:15 [#00085758]
Points: 2857 Status: Lurker



bogus i say! bogus!


 

offline titsworth from Washington, DC (United States) on 2002-02-12 00:49 [#00085820]
Points: 14550 Status: Lurker



you guys DO realize that that just means she gave birth to a
baby, right..? some of you seem a little slow on the up-take
;)


 

offline Ophecks from Nova Scotia (Canada) on 2002-02-12 00:52 [#00085825]
Points: 19190 Status: Moderator | Show recordbag



I read it, then spent about an hour thinking about how it's
possible... it wracked my brain.

Then I figured it out.

But the image of an 8 pound man sneaking into someone's twat
was pretty funny... then the ''homeless 8 pound guy''
kicking and screaming...

How the fuck did I NOT figure it out?!?!? Geez! :-D


 

offline Peter File from the future!!! Ooooh chase me! on 2002-02-12 00:53 [#00085827]
Points: 2020 Status: Lurker | Followup to titsworth: #00085820



Dammit, I was just going to point that out!


 

offline Xanatos from New York City (United States) on 2002-02-12 00:55 [#00085833]
Points: 3316 Status: Moderator | Show recordbag



Oh my god The Onion is hilarious.

I have a copy sitting in front of my monitor.

"Father Bitter Son Has Everything He Never Had"

"New Old People Magazine Gives the Elderly Something to Do
While Waiting to Die"

hahahaha...



 

offline alienworkshop from Claymont (United States) on 2002-02-12 02:18 [#00085909]
Points: 215 Status: Regular



HOLY MOTHERFUCKING FUCK
wait, real or not
that story made my fucking day


 

offline JOB from St. John's (Canada) on 2002-02-12 02:45 [#00085938]
Points: 453 Status: Lurker



Man its not so bad. I did that once, fuckers kept pokin me
and shit so i said fuck this, i'll just slide the fuck out
of here, well seems after i escaped i got bigger and i cant
fit in any more.....


 

offline Inverted Whale from United States Minor Outlying Islands on 2002-02-12 02:46 [#00085940]
Points: 3301 Status: Lurker



The Onion, home to such journalistic masterpieces as
"Marijuana Linked To Sitting Around And Getting High."


 


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