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Archrival
on 2002-02-11 13:48 [#00085282]
Points: 4265 Status: Lurker
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ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In a bizarre case that has baffled medical professionals across the country, surgeons at Albuquerque's Veterans Memorial Hospital removed a living eight-pound man from the confines of an area woman's vagina Monday.
Above: Hessman The unusually small man, who has refused to identify himself or give a reason for his presence in the vagina, was extremely disoriented throughout the incident, and, according to eyewitnesses, was "nude and covered in blood and gore." Though the man strenuously resisted rescue attempts, screaming and kicking wildly at medical personnel, he has not yet been charged with any crime.
The woman, Ruth Hessman, a 33-year-old systems analyst from nearby Winfield, was admitted to Veterans Memorial Hospital late Sunday night complaining of strange, repeated abdominal pains and contractions occurring at regular intervals. When the painful episodes were five minutes apart, her husband drove her to the hospital.
"We get all kinds of strange things here in the emergency unit," said Dr. Carlos Mendoza, a surgeon at Veterans Memorial, "but this was something new. At first glance, Mrs. Hessman appeared to be obese, but upon closer examination, it became apparent that she was actually suffering from severe abdominal distension. After she described her painful symptoms, we conducted an examination of her vagina. Imagine our shock and surprise when we discovered that there, looking back at us, was a tiny human head."
After overcoming their initial shock, doctors discovered that the grotesque miniature head belonged to a small man. The attending physicians performed emergency surgery to forcibly remove him, then notified local police.
"At this time, we have no idea how this man came to be situated within the woman's vagina, or what motivation he might have had for being there," said Albuquerque police chief Burke Manning. "His dazed state, public defecating, and lack of clothing suggest that he is a mentally ill homeless man wh
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Archrival
on 2002-02-11 13:50 [#00085285]
Points: 4265 Status: Lurker
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who was seeking shelter. Yet it's hard to believe that someone so feeble and mentally disturbed would be capable of such an intrusion. We have not ruled out the possibility that he had help."
Manning is advising Albuquerque residents to stay calm. "This is likely an isolated event," he said. "But we are nevertheless considering conducting a search of all area vaginas to see if any more small, naked men are on the prowl."
The eight-pound man has thus far refused to cooperate with police, responding to all questions with strange gurgling noises. He is also prone to sudden, violent mood swings, resting peacefully one moment and wailing uncontrollably the next. Adding to the difficulty of establishing the man's identity is his lack of fingerprints and teeth, making a match with federal records impossible.
"This man seems to have undergone some sort of massive trauma within the last 24 hours which has, in effect, wiped his memory clean and turned his mind into a blank slate," Mendoza said. "To be honest, this case couldn't be any weirder if a stork had dropped him out of the sky."
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dave
from saskatoon (Canada) on 2002-02-11 14:16 [#00085310]
Points: 1135 Status: Regular
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wow funny little man
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Chri5py
from my Solarbear (United Kingdom) on 2002-02-11 14:21 [#00085314]
Points: 2903 Status: Lurker
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That is seriously funny.... If anything can be serious and funny at the same time... ?
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aron
from saskatoon (Canada) on 2002-02-11 14:27 [#00085318]
Points: 3756 Status: Lurker
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that's fucking crazy!
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Ophecks
from Nova Scotia (Canada) on 2002-02-11 15:25 [#00085334]
Points: 19190 Status: Moderator | Show recordbag
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That's so strange, that I CAN'T find it funny... ew!
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Ophecks
from Nova Scotia (Canada) on 2002-02-11 15:27 [#00085336]
Points: 19190 Status: Moderator | Show recordbag
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OK, wait a second... just finished reading this... what the fuck?
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Archrival
on 2002-02-11 16:00 [#00085348]
Points: 4265 Status: Lurker
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Shit is ill!!!
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MO2
from Minneapolis, MN (United States) on 2002-02-11 16:46 [#00085378]
Points: 321 Status: Lurker
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hey Archrival, that sounds like it's from "The Onion".....
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hevquip
from megagram dusk sect (United States) on 2002-02-11 16:47 [#00085380]
Points: 3377 Status: Regular
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what the fuck? is this real? i live in new mexico in a town 100 miles away from albuquerque and i didn't see this in the news or papers or anything. i could've sworn though that i've heard this story elsewhere.
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MO2
from Minneapolis, MN (United States) on 2002-02-11 16:49 [#00085381]
Points: 321 Status: Lurker
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No, I just checked it....its from the satirical newspaper "The Onion"....probably the funniest shit you can ever read...I pick it up every week
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MO2
from Minneapolis, MN (United States) on 2002-02-11 16:50 [#00085384]
Points: 321 Status: Lurker
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go to www.theonion.com
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Ophecks
from Nova Scotia (Canada) on 2002-02-11 17:00 [#00085386]
Points: 19190 Status: Moderator | Show recordbag
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I actually thought it was real for a minute.
Me so slow.
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Archrival
on 2002-02-11 17:00 [#00085388]
Points: 4265 Status: Lurker
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Yeah its some hilarious shit over there :)
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AMinal
from Toronto (Canada) on 2002-02-11 22:33 [#00085629]
Points: 3476 Status: Regular
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hahahha very funny:)
btw, in case u people are NOT being sarcastic w/ ur ignorant remarks: its a baby being born u idiots! hehe : )
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LeCoeur
from the outer edge of the universe (United States) on 2002-02-11 22:55 [#00085643]
Points: 8249 Status: Lurker
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yipessss.......and i thought lil ole albuquerque was boring.......how wrong i am =)
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pachi
from yo momma (United States) on 2002-02-11 23:34 [#00085687]
Points: 8984 Status: Lurker
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damn i was gonna say... how is that possible?
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aron
from saskatoon (Canada) on 2002-02-11 23:36 [#00085691]
Points: 3756 Status: Lurker
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don't i look a fool now... i belived it, and have been thinking about how that was possible all day long!
lol - i am so fucking dumb!!
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pOgO
from behind your belly button fluff on 2002-02-11 23:45 [#00085709]
Points: 12687 Status: Lurker
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How the HELL did the woman not notice ?!?!?
I mean.....from a female point of veiw..... OW !!
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pOgO
from behind your belly button fluff on 2002-02-11 23:46 [#00085713]
Points: 12687 Status: Lurker
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oh yeah !
pOgO seems to have left the buildng !!
I'm just not all there today
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Zombiekev
from Ardmore (United States) on 2002-02-12 00:15 [#00085758]
Points: 2857 Status: Lurker
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bogus i say! bogus!
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titsworth
from Washington, DC (United States) on 2002-02-12 00:49 [#00085820]
Points: 14550 Status: Lurker
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you guys DO realize that that just means she gave birth to a baby, right..? some of you seem a little slow on the up-take ;)
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Ophecks
from Nova Scotia (Canada) on 2002-02-12 00:52 [#00085825]
Points: 19190 Status: Moderator | Show recordbag
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I read it, then spent about an hour thinking about how it's possible... it wracked my brain.
Then I figured it out.
But the image of an 8 pound man sneaking into someone's twat was pretty funny... then the ''homeless 8 pound guy'' kicking and screaming...
How the fuck did I NOT figure it out?!?!? Geez! :-D
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Peter File
from the future!!! Ooooh chase me! on 2002-02-12 00:53 [#00085827]
Points: 2020 Status: Lurker | Followup to titsworth: #00085820
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Dammit, I was just going to point that out!
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Xanatos
from New York City (United States) on 2002-02-12 00:55 [#00085833]
Points: 3316 Status: Moderator | Show recordbag
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Oh my god The Onion is hilarious.
I have a copy sitting in front of my monitor.
"Father Bitter Son Has Everything He Never Had"
"New Old People Magazine Gives the Elderly Something to Do While Waiting to Die"
hahahaha...
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alienworkshop
from Claymont (United States) on 2002-02-12 02:18 [#00085909]
Points: 215 Status: Regular
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HOLY MOTHERFUCKING FUCK wait, real or not that story made my fucking day
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JOB
from St. John's (Canada) on 2002-02-12 02:45 [#00085938]
Points: 453 Status: Lurker
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Man its not so bad. I did that once, fuckers kept pokin me and shit so i said fuck this, i'll just slide the fuck out of here, well seems after i escaped i got bigger and i cant fit in any more.....
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Inverted Whale
from United States Minor Outlying Islands on 2002-02-12 02:46 [#00085940]
Points: 3301 Status: Lurker
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The Onion, home to such journalistic masterpieces as "Marijuana Linked To Sitting Around And Getting High."
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