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 Now online (1)nanotech ...and 118 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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Members 8025Messages 2614366 Today 12 Topics 127560 |
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This road keeps turning into new... paragraphs...things are getting hairier, but not like a zoo, 'cause nothing's enclosed anymore...it's all just a paper airplane that unfolds itself midflight heading always to the fire place. I'm feeling very South pole today...a wayward shopping cart. Posts bow down in front of overboard train tracks in this city's left arm...someafter noonsoon every museum'll cave out and all the globe'll be covered in classic shrapnel. What do you guys think?...i would like some honest feedback...thanks |
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:( |
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it appears to have an apprehensive sort of tone |
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cool |
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it looks a bit like a mess, really. the structure and/or the paradigma of chosen words is all over the place. |
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I like "classic shrapnel" :) Thats neat. :) Other than that, it seems to need some work. Most poetry does need work... theres not really such a thing as a perfect poem. I write a lot of poetry (or, I used to), and I want to show people, but I dont know... Some of it is very bad. :) My angry ones are badbadbad! Some of it is on my diary if anyone cares. |
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cool stuff |
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awesome mate I really dig the structure, really good stuff. |
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thanks |
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I don't understand it. But I like it a LOT. |
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It might have personal meaning to you or something but after reading a couple lines I caught myself drearily skimming the rest. The message in that last post that got closed "why ae suck" or something, now that was art. |
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thanks...here's another one...(it rhymes even): I better my best is bet than you er as I boat my boast through this bored old sewer i eat a thousand beets per breakfast and i already accomplished the feat of a million smiles per shower bright years and light beers under the rest i lie even below those siamese ghost towers but i shall a nut be unshelled and not out of the tree full of hot topical creams i fought my tropical cancer's schemes and drank pails of male menstruale i thank the tales of the fishiest whales for my failing ways and my sailing woes while i know that my gray areas remain much hairier than most and did you know i could pet dogs like it's nobody's fleas? dropping flies by and by until i find my bees i would embrace the skies but they don't make my favorite flavor in my size so maybe it's time i mind my own breeze. |
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I donut like that... mmmm donuts... |
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why not?...it would help to have some specific criticism |
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Each new statement doesn't make sense,.. or if it makes sense in some abstract metaphorical way, I don't feel like figuring it out at all. The rhyming is awkward too. It's pointless, but isn't humorously pointless. |
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I also dont like it. *hides* |
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oh bother... |
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ok...how 'bout this one?(rhyme!!) flotsam and jetsam are gentlemen poeds urseappeal netsam our spinsters and coeds thoroughly bretish they scout the inhuman itarian fetish that man isn't wuman vive the millenni um three cheers for labor give all things to enni one bugger your nabor neck and senecktie are gentlemen ppoyds even whose recktie are covered by lloyd's |
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sock puppet drool and bubblegum wrappers a bucket of teeth and... um.. palms for my clappers I clap in the drool it gets on my fingers i like to go poop in the mouths of the singers uh bum bum pish* uh bum bum pish* |
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are you making fun? |
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I made fun for me I guess. It's up to you whether to have fun.. about this. |
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you don't like that last one either...eh? |
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it harrd to underrstand, but just coz i have music on and the TV and i have just got up, but i like some of the things you say in it "i thank the tales of the fishiest whales for my failing ways and my sailing woes" crazy. i will rread it laterr when i have woke up to see how it worrks overr all. |
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hmm |
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your poetry seems rather arbitrary. not thought through very well. w M w's "poem" has about the same value. good poetry gives you the idea that the poet wants you to follow a direction, bad poetry just looks like a bunch of words stuck together. |
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You can use this one in a song if you are into that sort of things. Just make a some sort of hardcore tecno and somewhere in the song, cut everything out exept the melody and just speak the poem while the song gradually builds up again. Might turn out pretty cool. :) |
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I once met a girl wearin' yello', she told me her name was J-lo. My mom knows her dad, it is kind of sad, that her (J-lo's) ass is just made of some jello. :P |
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This is a poem The End |
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Here's another one: , . , . |
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Life in formaline serene..soundless.. eyes observe diffused light reaches me the outside world scares.. frightens.. I'll stay here.. 'till eternity I'm safe |
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my attempt - Tranquilise, Close your eyes, Sliding through slow-motion light. Suprise your mind - Have a line! Fade through ketamine delight. Blurring time Into sublime Black hole of technicolour light. |
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a rule I leaned is that should people initially like your work, do not follow it up further, at least for a while. Dop not attempt to ride the coatails of your initial success. it seems to dumb things down very much. |
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nice one Tab, prolly appreciate it more if I was into the drug scene, but it's short and sweet none the less |
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i dunno, i wouldn't think you could improve upon leaves of grass or anything from blake. heck, i have a friend who makes perfect poetry. i think the key is to stop using the mind and more the heart... not to overthink, but let it flow. this coming from somebody who won't share his poetry. |
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that's silly... not to stop using the mind, but balance it with the heart i guess... cause a good poem feels something of course. |
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well thing about most poetry is, its best left for the person who wrote it. to not make it public. most people write poetry about "their feelings 'n stuff" which is fine, but you could write that down anyway. good poetry is like architecture with words, with its own rhythm, its own musicality. just writing from the heart won't do it. maybe a point to start from, but then there's still the rewriting to be done. |
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i'm sorry to bring this up again...but can you guys even tell which of the poems i put down is by one of the best poets that ever lived (i'll tell you who if you're able to guess) |
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best poet to ever live? that's quite the claim. qrter... i guess i was making reference to poetry that i've read that is supposed to be clever, but actually quite boring. |
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i actually only read the first one until now... kinda like the one that starts "I better my best ..." is it that one? |
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nope...i wrote that one...hehe |
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