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[please excuse typos, I had to write this before I forgot most of it] July 29th, 2006 Firstly, let's get a few things sorted before I begin my trip report, I've been an avid shroom and weed enthusiast for a few years now. I've had some spectacular and positively life altering/affirming trips, and all it took for this good streak to end was one horrible glimpse of a hell I denied existed. It started with the ingestion of roughly 3.5 grams of shrooms. My friend (we'll call T) did some too, and my other friend (we'll call S) was just observing (he will later serve the purpose of 'sitter', a term I never knew had value until this trip). It was a fast onset, and a somewhat pleasant amount of seeing things breathe/shift/flow whilst feeling that euphoria at the pit of your stomach. So far, everything I felt was something to expect from a typical shroom trip, so I was calm and enjoying it. Me and my two friends walked to the park, everything outside looked amazing, like I said, it was a typical shroom trip, very enjoyable, euphoric, nostalgic, affirming, etc. In the woods, I lit up a joint, T declined, and S gave up that habit years ago of his own accord. So it was just me. I zoned out a bit and hardly realized that I had half the joint, when my intention was just to have a couple quick hits. As we walked back approaching the house, everything around me went from mystical and unique to bland and fake. I saw patterns in the trees and grass and dirt that suggested this reality was formed in such a typical fractal way that we already knew. Reality itself was something I was seeing unfold in ways that wouldn't cater to the human bewilderment, it was a very nervous epiphany to understand the formation of existence we consider a great mystery. The mystery was gone, served up in a multitude of answers presented as garbled metalese. This was no delusion, it was an absolution so powerful that my brain could not wrap around it. |
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I could already tell that by the time we got back to the house, my trip would finally go beyond my comfort zone, my grasp and managability I always took for granted. We got upstairs to S' room. I started to feel alot of anxiety. I didn't know what I wanted, I continued to pace around the house, sitting and lying in random places, trying to maintain my composure. Eventually I lost many of my functions, drinking water became difficult, relaxing became impossible. I was becoming very tense, my joints were seizing up. The open/closed eye visuals grew to such an intensity I felt a profound sense of being lost. With my other trips, I would see the most amazing visuals, patterns forming and shapes contorting, but these visuals were much different, they were screaming faces, faces that wouldn't leave me alone. It grew to the point where my actions geared into a survival mechanism, a final option I knew I had to take, I told S to hold my hand, hoping that human contact would get me through it. To say it helped would be a joke, but to say it didn't help would be even more of a joke. The intensity continued to grow, I vaguely remember wanted to be knocked out, all I wanted more than anything else was for the trip to end, for me to just fall asleep and wake up better again. This is the first time I felt time dilation. Time dilation was always a concept I found intriqueing, but with my past trips, it was just a notion I liked to think about. It is horrible. I forgot how to breathe, urinate, beat my heart. I repeated told S (still holding my hand) to tell me to breathe in a mantric way, just to remind me of the basic motor functions I was feeling slip away. I was seeing and understanding patterns of how time forms and it's delicate system of duration. One breathe in and out was an eternity of mechanical workings, represented through realizations impossible to translate into any known form of language. The patterns of screaming hellish faces began to envelop me. I tried so hard to sleep and wouldn't let my friend let |
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-go of my hand. He kept asking me what I wanted, I said I wanted to breathe, and to be constantly reminded that time itself WAS indeed passing. My sanity was defragmenting into nothingness, my ego was gone, my memory was fleeting, my hallucinations continued to intensify, and my demands became more survival oriented. "tell me to breath, tell me time has passed", I must have said this 100 times to S. By now I was completely insane, I'd lost all composure of my sane life, my concept of time was moving at such a slow rate that minutes lasted in eternal timeless bursts of present moments of hell. S observed my fear and tried thinking of ways to console me, he even told me to masturbate if I felt the need to. I felt awkward that he would attempt to conceptualize my drives in a perverse manner, there was nothing sexual about this trip. My need to hold hands, and even get some back massages from S was more of a parantal yearning, because my parents at the time were unattainable concepts. Like when you're a child and your mother runs her fingers through your hair, all your fears disipate. I tried to urinate and managed to do so, for some reason, this was very exciting, because it was a small gesture that I was becoming aware again of the bodily functions I had forgetten how to use. I remember telling S that I was going to piss and shit all over his bed. |
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This was the first trip, and probably first time in my adult life where I screamed for "mommy and daddy", barely understanding but affirming that my intellectual and mature approach to life was a facade because what we all need is human contact and reassurance at the infantile level. I was in a state of terror, fear and panic that I would never regain my sanity, that I finally went overboard. And that is exactly what happened. Time had now stopped. A constant invert/flux of hallucinations ruled my life. My downfall into actual hell was when S' mother came in the room because of my screaming, moaning, growling, and tearless attempts to cry. S told me to cry, but I couldn't. His mother told T to leave, that this situation was out of control and had to be maintained quickly. I was too far gone to take responsibility and feel embarrased and sorry for the commotion I was causing in her household. Everyone's faces had a multitude of screaming faces forming in the curves of their profile, my hand had screaming faces all over it, everywhere and everything was forming into walls and surfaces of agonizing frustrated screaming faces. This was a hell I denied, because my beliefs are more spiritually based, I've always laughed at such ideas of hell. But this archaic concept was indeed a root core of our subconscious, a truth that would have to be reconsiled at some point of our lives. |
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After T left (or was forced to leave rather) I was pacing around S' house, twitching and making incoherent sounds, I was completely insane, to the point now where things just didn't matter, there was no more fear because there was no fear of having some kind of sanity to lose. I crawled around the house, S and his mother gave me water, I splashed it in my face violently and made seizuring sounds from the pit of my vocal cords. My screams were intense, my spinal and joint tension/contortion began to mimic something you would see in someone who's mentally retarded/autistic. I began screaming for Daddy. S' mother called my father to come. My sanity was beginning to reform from the abyss it went off to, but not to my current 20 year old state, I began to crawl like an infant, continuing to make gurgling sounds, eventually I became a toddler, talking like a child. I continued to say "daddy's coming!" in a way a child would would say excitedly waiting for a parent to get off work. I sat down in the kitchen and looked out the window at the driveway like a hawk. The trees outside, with all their leaves blowing in the wind took form of screaming faces, I screamed back at them, this was no ordinary scream, it was a 'primal scream'. It was a release of unconscious unresolve that was bellowing deep in the bowels of my trauma. I still couldn't cry, but I could scream. Now as I write this, I can only imagine how freaked out S and his mother must have been at these sounds I was making, but deep down I think S understood and sacrificed his worry of the situation, and put all his energy into getting me through this struggle. I began to hug S and his Mom, trying to cry with no avail. I paced around constantly saying "Daddy's coming! Daddy's coming!" |
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When he got there, I finally burst out in tears. It was a long and liberating cry, one of those hiccupy snotty 5 year old cries. I started to laugh with joy as I cried, the release was orgasmic, after all these years of being intelligent and rational, I finally released the emotional energy that was hiding. The 'inner child' as cheesy as it may sound. It's not. It's very real, and it took a bad trip to surface. As I write this, I still find this whole situation frightening, because I know (not think, KNOW) that if I didn't cry and scream, I would not have regained sanity. I began to calm down and talk to my dad and S and his mom, for at least half an hour. The trip was finally coming to an end, but I was still twitching, and having difficultly forming words between the bursts of gnawing/moaning/gurgling sounds and tears. And there were still screaming faces everywhere, but they were forming into laughing faces, perverse faces, sexual faces. During the stage of my trip where I was crawling around, I saw alot of haphazard sexual imagry of defomed bodies attempting coitus. I was shown that I could never go past the sum of my parts, my drives for comfort, food, sleep, sex, etc. |
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fear and loathing |
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thx, that was beautiful. seriously |
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I don't know how I can apoligize to my friends mom. |
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show her what you've just typed. she'll understand, i guess. she didn't call the police or anything, so she's probably pretty openminded. |
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damn you hippies! |
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damn you all! |
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congradulations on a well communicated piece and on what will know doubt be a life changing experiance. with time your behaviour will become alot less reflective of this experiance and things will return to normal. take as much positive from this as possible.. if lifes problems get you down, try to remember your experiance and remember how much BIGGER the world really is.. |
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i agree with the ideas about human nature |
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Tuff trip man... I have had a couple of those too (but in more controlled circumstances thank God). I only do shrooms once a year now - when the shroom-season here in Denmark comes in late September. I've learned one important think, and I came to think of it again when you I was reading how you wished to be knocked out - the thing I learned is that If I shroom, I can unwillingly become anxious, but if I have an Xanax (or like) on me while tripping, so I won't go into anxiety. Cause' I know if it happens I'll just eat the pills and relax, or even sleep (depending on how strong the pills are). You see, after the bad trips on shrooms, my brain lacks functions and I still have weird ticks. I know by now, that I might have severally damaged parts of my brain because of the stress I caused from the anxiety of the trip. I hope you get over it well, and you probly won't shroom again soon, but if you do, have a pill ready, cause that nightmare might haunt you again. |
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I'm still trying to rationalize why I saw screaming faces, because it's as if it came straight out of a movie or a book, a laughable concept. I'm used to hallucinating abstract patterns have have no human characteristics, this was just insane. I hope my emotional outbursts helped release it, because if I brought out something latent, honest to god I don't think I could live with what I saw on a daily basis. |
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Gwely, you should be a writer seriously. Very intriguing story although scary.. I never tripped shrooms but passed out smoking a blunt laced with opium. |
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wouldnt screaming faces just stand for discomfort / fundamental discomfort? this has nothing to do with drugs, but i once passed out in public, after feeling emotionally bad for a period of time. before i fully regained consciousness i for a moment had no idea what's going or what had just happened. i didnt see clearly, only schemes and heard extremely loud noises. i thought i might be dreaming, but had the feeling that it's too real. so i figured i might be dead. anyway. i had the feeling i was screaming really loudly and hitting my head with my hands, becuz of the situation. when i was fully consciousness people told me i didnt scream at all. so for me "screaming" and a slipping away of one's constitution of the world is kind of linked. |
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are you for real ? you seem like a smart dude why waste your brain with that shit. i do it with beers |
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that was a truly incredible story. thank you |
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After reading that i feel like i should go away and try to think of a decent way to express how good it was to read.. but i won't..from me saying that i think it sums it up :D.. I agree with cataLyst, You should write more. As much as that was a horrible experiance at the time i think it was a good experiance to have and you'll probably feel better for having had that..in time,but i think you know that. and you should apologise to him mum with flowers.. Mums like flowers.. The only time i've ever done shrooms bad things like that happend , so i haven't done them since...i would like to at some stage or another though when im at a differant place in my life and head because i think i will get the other experiance you spoke about , where its euphoric and lovely , with beautifull visuals...and not dead babies. -A- |
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funny how u remember all that stuff when i drink i usually forget everything =| |
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I allways remeber stuff with drugs for a short period of time then it becomes fragmented... when ur drunk u dont really know what ur doing... when you're on drugs i allways think its like being trapped inside a small box watching the goings on from inside your head. imo anyways,don't know if it was like that for you gwely mernans? -A- |
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that was an interesting read |
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i wouldnt take all that crap you see seriously; you take yourself too seriously |
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That makes me even more scared to try any druggas. |
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where did you go on your trip? sailing on the norfolk broads? |
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I remember once when a friend of mine was on acid and I was clean, I started talking in a really weird high pitched voice. He had this hilariously pathetic look of concern on his face "Is...is that your real voice?" "Yeeeees iiit iiis!!" Then he put his face in a cushion. ROFL |
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HAHAHA! That's bananas! |
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I agree with cataLyst as well, it's a gift to describe your feelings like you did. Impressive story/exprerience Gwely, when did this exactly happen.. like yesterday? |
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Im not reading all that. But I tell you this I once ate a lot of dxm and than i almost died |
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good story :) |
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I had some throat tablet things that were non-drowsy and my frined said if you ate a few it was like speed and I had two but felt no effects but I did drink 6 or so bottles of Newkie Brown and felt a bit beery. |
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i have a friend who does shrooms. it makes me never want to try them. |
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That was a great read. I'd probably try 'shrooms', but don't know where to get them. Plus I can't take any risk whatsoever in going to jail for even a day, because they'll probably put me in a cell with 10 other guys with a toilet right in the middle. And I'd never be able to go in front of them. Interesting how the 'punishment' of prison evolved from being isolated into being raped in the ass too. Seems like it should be a more effective deterrant than the electric chair. Society is one big organized gang. I'm going to start a new one and call it Society2. Sorry for ruining this thread and every other thread I've posted in. |
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I had a bad trip too. Never drive through Barstow. They'll con you into staying there for weeks without ever attempting to fix your car. |
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S should have tied your hands together then put headphones on you and made you listen to tracks 2,3,4 on 'the eyes of stanley pain' on repeat during this. You might have physically sunk into a real alternate demon netherworld. |
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Ha ha, it was probably an illusion that he told you to masturbate. That'd be funny if you were like, well ok, then wipped it out... and he was like... what the FUCK are you doing... one of the screaming faces could have bitten your penis though. You could have tried to put your tonge in one of the screaming' faces'' mouths''' to see what happens.. haphazard sexual imagry of defomed bodies attempting coitus. Maybe you were really in hell. |
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You take yourself too seriously, just for saying that. You sound like a prick, you shouldn't sound like a prick. |
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Music didn't work, not even ambient music, it still managed to be the soundtrack of the hell I was experiencing. All I allowed myself to hear was the fan and wind from the open window. |
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I just called S, his mom thinks the other townhouses will sign a petition to get her evicted because of all the loud noises I made. I feel really bad about that, but it was beyond my control, so how can I take responsibility for it? I know I won't be allowed there for some time. |
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pretty intense read. crazy shit |
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You could use the tactic of claiming the sounds came from a mentally retarded relative or friend who was visiting just for that day or something. Probably can't evict for that reason; even if they'd feel too unethical to do so. Not sure how the eviction process works. |
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Ha! Zombie nation. I played that game... it was ok, then I sold it. Not really worth it's current market value. |
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still...as I wrote before; have xanax ready if tripping on shrooms - it works both mentally and physically |
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most intense report i've ever read. did you post this on the shroomery forum? fuck. you died and you now you live again. 3.5 grams of shrooms? jesus. that could be enuff for semi-intense effects but nothing of this scale. did u take any maoi's? are you sure that the weed you smoked was pure? this scares the crap out of me. |
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I've always been sensetive to drugs. I only need half of what people usually need to trip out. It was potent weed and the shrooms were a strain of blue cabenzy and mexican yellow cap. |
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Yea, weed can cause anxiety. It does in a lot of people even when they are just smoking with nothing else. If you smoke while tripping on acid, shrooms, whatever you should really only take a hit or two to add an extra little something. If you have an anxiety attack while just smoking weed you can generally keep cool and talk yourself out of it, maybe eat something, whatever and be fine. When you are tripping your mind is already processing a lot of stimulus, so when you smoke a lot of weed on top of that it is a whole new dimension of stimulus and also hallucinogenic so it is magnifying what is already there. So your mind as trouble coping with all that, then the anxiety comes on which you can't talk yourself out of and then it is all over. Like someone said earlier, all the discomfort, fear, worry, etc starts getting filtered into your trip and then the scary shit comes out. |
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the edges of a persons hair opened up into fantastic rays of light last time i shroomed. brilliant colours were raining down my face...then my partner in crime fell into a dark neurosis such as you described. she thought her hands were swelling up like balloons - and more. its difficult to help someone get out of such a rut when you're experiencing something completely different. i was scared - but i helped her through it. im surprised you didn't get sick during the experience. |
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good read. i dont really feel like shrooming after that what I dont understand is why you and many other people feel the need to analyse and try to learn from the stuff you experience when on acid or shrooms, or why you continue to feel that some of the things you felt still apply. Its just crazy stuff and you should let it go |
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