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 Now online (1)Roger Wilco ...and 293 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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alright, i need some advice here... kind of sad that i turn to an internet message board for this kind of stuff, but i like most of the people here. do you guys think it's weird that i have a phobia of situations involving groups of people that i don't know? i'm perfectly willing to meet new people most of the time, it's just that whenever i get into a situation where i'm in a large group of people that i don't know, i lock up or something, and stop talking altogether, and i feel like the outsider every time. i know it's stupid, and i don't like it, but i can't help it. i just turned down an invitation to a party that probably would've been pretty fun, but i knew only a couple of the people there and i was afraid of the same thing happening. so what do you guys think i should do about this? i don't think it's having a big enough impact on my life to see a psychiatrist about or anything, but does anyone else have or has had this sort of problem? any advice you can give to get over it? |
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Ask questions, it makes interaction much easier! Your talking to us, a bunch of people you don`t know! How? By asking us questions. We will answer, then you will respond etc. If your teeth are BRUSHED, and you don`t smell like crap, then people really shouldn`t have a reason to not like you! |
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Yeah you are totally weird man this never happens to anybody else you must suck! |
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I can get a bit fidgety in more formal situations, but parties? Get your drinks down more quickly? |
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that's not such a bad idea, i guess. i'll try it next time i feel like i'm being a loser. |
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Try chewing gum if you feel restless and unable to focus. |
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that's also the bad part, is usually i'm the driver, and i don't trust myself to know when it's ok to drive after drinking, so i just don't. i'm sure it would be a lot better if i were drunk, though... |
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first of all, i think you should do something about it. and you already did by taking the time to type it down. that's a good start. what could really help you to deal with those kind of situations is an NLP-technique. what you need to do is the following. picture yourself someone who is an example to you for how to be in those situations. it could be someone you know, but you can also take, lets say brad pitt as example. the following step is to analyse as detailed as possible why that person is that good, and how it would feel like for that person (very important!). that best thing to do is to write it all down, and to be as detailed as possible. when you feel you've got a clear picture of what it would feel like, you can take the next step, which is picturing yourself in those situations behaving and feeling like your example. this can take a bit of practice, but the easier this step becomes, the easier it will be to recall these feelings in reallife situations. final step: DO IT! get out of your comfort zone. that's the only way to improve yourself. after a while it will become second nature and you can hardly even imagine what it was like to feel socially inept. |
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Yeah, I have the same phobia. But it's not as bad as it used to be in my teens. My advice is to try to understand exactly why you fear other people. Is it the idea of being judged?...I find that being secure in your own individualism, whatever it may be, helps tremendously. This sparks a memory from high school of a kid that seemed to have half his face in the process of melting off (some kind of deformity). You might think that this guy would be immensely selfconscious of his appearance, but no. I remember him distinctly, with two girls hanging off each arm, putting some other kid in his place. He knew who he was, and drew confidence from the positives...I guess. Also. I suggest that if you are considering medication, wait. My experience with it...well, sucked. Figure it in with your own mind, you'll be stronger for it. |
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thanks for the advice. that sounds pretty logical. and i have gone out of my comfort zone on several occasions, but it always seems to end up the same way, so now i'm looking for some way to change that by doing something differently. and your solution sounds like it might be a good one. i have no problem acting like myself with just familiar people around, but for some reason myself likes to hide when there's a lot of strange people around. so trying to supress that the way you said is at least something to try. thanks |
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i'm never one for medication. i don't really like being in altered states that much, especially something that is prescribed to me to make me "feel better." usually it doesn't help or can make things worse. i'm usually pretty chemically balanced for the most part anyway; i've only been depressed once, and that was only for a short period of time, and i got over it without any medication. |
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no thanks. :) and some final words. the part where you should write things down, is in essence similar to what mr brazil advices you. in a way, the things you would write down, have a close relationship to the "why" part of your situation. and a final hint, when you're going to picture yourself in those social situations, make them the worst situations you could imagine times ten. and next dealing with them even better than you can imagine times ten. and repeat this regularly. |
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i really appreciate you guys taking time to actually make some suggestions on things i can do to help with this. i thought i might regret bringing this up here, but i got some helpful suggestions and things to try out. i'm psyched to try the "NLP technique," cause i think it has the potential to work for me. |
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i keep my mouth shut because I'm always afraid of being offensive so i vent here other times when i;m around new people i;m too busy being observative to realize i am not interacting i like to play paintball there is no time to avoid people while you are avoiding paint |
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Ive always been shy and not assertive with new people but i was always comfortable with it. it kind of escalated though where I blushed a lot at almost nothing and just avoided a lot of social situations to make life easier. Now im not really one for all these phoney diseases but to discover there is actually a common problem called 'social anxiety' was reassuring to me. I got one of these 'cognitive behaviour therapy' books and it helped a lot, you will probably be surprised how much it knows about you. Read this |
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...and good luck and post pics of the next party you come to ! about driving/drinking - can't you go to parties by bus ? train ? |
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i used to be like that. i have always had a few friends who i would spend time with, and they would always end up meeting their much larger group of friends who i barely knew at all. the way i managed to get out of it is by getting to know some of those people in the group individually. maybe that was just easy for me, since i often met up with just one of them with another friend. but ive managed to get to know the whole "crowd" through meeting them all individually. |
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Ive always been shy and not assertive with new people but i was always comfortable with it. it kind of escalated though where I blushed a lot at almost nothing and just avoided a lot of social situations to make life easier. Likewise. It got worse for me over time, and by my second year of uni, I could barely walk into my classrooms... too often I'd walk up to the door, then turn away and go spend that time in the library. Which... was really irresponsible and destructive academically, and... very enjoyable. Kind of a vicious circle... I love being alone, and that makes my social anxiety hard to deal with because not dealing with it leads me to go off by myself to be comfortable and occupied... I wish I was more bothered by it. Now it affects my working habits and makes it a pain, as I have to work in order to pay for a second crack at university. Society is not introvert-friendly, not by a longshot. Thanks for the link BTW. Anyway, I don't have any advice to give, just telling my story, so as you've seen, you're not alone. You're not as special a snowflake as you thought you were. A lot of headcases listen to intelligent dance music. |
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(first paragraph addressed to Dannnnnn, second to Luminous, hu hu hu) |
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drinking is not a good idea to get over social anxiety. you become reliant on it, anxiety will only increase |
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not.drugs makes you vulnerable.but it helps to see to you,to watch if you got inside a monster or a person who wants to enjoy life. to this social anxiewty you can deep breathe and dont care what they think about YOU,then you will react honest to the event.good thread this. |
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maybe you more true to yourself that way maybe its not a problem you got.evrybody cant be social i think its just the society that pressure us to be so or something why talk ? enjoy the silence |
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you're not the only one, I'm not social either. But I'd rather be not social than talk about things that I do not care for with annoying/boring(+/-99%) people. |
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MAYBE YOU ARE JUST UGLY? |
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well.. I had a very mild version of that.. I mean.. I talked to people, but I just couldn't keep the conversation going (there are many boring people in this world.. either that or most other people do what you do), so it'd end up in silence again. Now I just don't care and do what I feel like in stead. Sometimes this is talking if there is someone interesting to talk to and other times it is silly pranks and stunts and other times it is sitting in a sofa watching people.. if there's someone else in the sofa I will most often ask them to look at other people and read their body language to figure out what they're on about and if it's a person who manages that, the person is often interesting. |
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there's a difference between not being social and social anxiety. i don't consider myself to be social. i'd rather take a trip by myself, than with someone else, for instance. but that doesn't mean i have to be afraid to be in social situations. when the moment requires to be social (mostly at work), than i'll be social. not being a "social" person doesn't justify social ineptness |
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at least he doesnt need to shag a realdoll |
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its more to do with shyness than being antisocial, you can be very extrovert with the right people but freeze up with the wrong ones. its just when you get into conversations and a number of bad things happen in your mind, including inability to pay attention, inability to voice your opinion and ending up just letting other people take the lead, panicking, blushing, and then afterwards feeling like you messed that up, that other people must have seen how nervous you were, or thought you were stupid or boring. its about putting all the focus on yourself so you just looking for mistakes even if nobody else would notice or care its not uncommon to come to the conclusion that other people are too boring for you but its worth considering when you are being irrational and making your life more stress than it has to be, or avoiding things that should be fun. |
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I FUCK WHORES |
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as a general rule i try not to be too extrovert with people until i know a bit about them. when in a large group its very easy to become self counscious and shy. but don't be. talk to people on a one on one basis first, and then to a few. walk before running and all that. talk to a few people, just try to avoid trivial subjects or anything too detailed. laughter is key. i dunno. usually at parties i'm very quiet to start, and after a few bevvies i loosen up a lot. the thing to remember is that people are instinctivley social animals. so if you start talking to someone, they probably won't tell you to fuck off (but you have to use your judgement on that i guess) i'm not saying get legless, but a couple of civilised drinks is a good social lubricant. like ophecks said " Society is not introvert-friendly" so nip it in the bud. say hello to people. say you like their hat. ask what they're drinking. tell a shit joke. if you make an attempt to break the ice, most people will do likewise and try themselves. if you fail it doesnt matter, most people will appriciate the fact that you have tried. just watch out for big egos, and of course a few cunts will rebuff you, but so what. take it on the chin. shrug and move on. if you let it eat away at you it will only ever get worse, you'll withdraw even morseo, and then you start going backwards, and then its even harder. just take the chance. for every 10 people you speak to, 1 might think you're a dickhead. so the odds are in your favour. :) |
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Dwelling on being socially inept and thinking "I don't know what to say" is going to kill you socially faster than anything else. When I start thinking that, I generally just go find some food or something to drink, and then chat with the smaller groups of people. Most people aren't good with groups. I am not great with a bunch of people I don't know either. Ironically, I am great at public speaking, and am really good at spinning things and persuasion. |
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my advice: be drunk, always |
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"I am great at public speaking, and am really good at spinning things and persuasion. " you could start a religion |
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Yeah. I could. But I won't. Untill I come up with one that could make me money. Or get me lots of underage girls. |
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I am shy. Mostly when initiating friendships or with girls. It isn't charming. Its a handicap and a lifelong struggle. Id rather walk 3 miles than be in a car with someone I kinda know on a superficial level and endure uncomfortable silence. I absolutely hate uncomfortable silence. I want to hit it of well with everyone so I try too hard and it most times hurts and feels strange.. Like anal sex. |
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just be your self |
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...and wait for the death... |
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haha why are you stuck on it evryone dies sometimes anyway |
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i love your new avatar by the way curt coubain : ) |
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Kurt was waiting for the death...they met... |
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i know : ) |
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o no please don't! that man has some serious issues |
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I know what you mean by those uncomfortable long silent moments, because of that I started asking to myself, "Why should I be the one making conversation?", if the other person(s) don't try to make small talk I don't try neither, I simply got tired of always being me doing the hard part. The problem is when the other person tries to come up with small talk and I don't have conversation. |
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I haven't really had the same problem because I nearly always get drunk quickly at parties where there are very few people I know because I've realised that that makes me very talkative and, though this may piss one or two people off, the majority like it because they're going through the same shyness that you go through and so talking about ridiculously random topics which only my drunken mind can help me speak at length about, such as "the complexities of toasters", work as great ice-breakers. What I'm really worried about is the first day of Uni late this September. There'll be no one I know there and people will be judging you :/ ice-breakers such as "so what are you goin to study?" seem really pathetic. |
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its pretty much 3 years of 'what course do you do/where do you live/omg lol we're so random' |
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