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 (nobody)...and 498 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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Members 8025Messages 2614114 Today 0 Topics 127542 |
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Has anyone got any good jokes to cheer me up? I'll start us off with this classic: What do you get if you cross Dire Straits with Chris Rea? Dire Rea |
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Check this one out. Not exactly a joke, but still fairly funny. ******* COMPANY POLICY - It's banana's!! ******* > > Start with a cage containing five monkeys. > Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs > under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to > climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all > of the other monkeys with cold water. > After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result, all > the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another > monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. > Now, put away the cold water. > Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new > monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise > and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt > and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be > assaulted. > Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a > new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous > newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, > replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, and then > the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is > attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why > they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are > participating in the beating of the newest monkey. > After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys > have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever > again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. > Why not.......... Because as far as they know that's the way it's always > been done around here. > And that, my friends, is how company policy begins |
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what do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope |
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What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug Without a spade? Douglas |
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thats hilarious meho today i had to sign one of the company policies, i just hate them stupid rules |
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Yeah, jedy, it hurts that you have to bend down and have your arse spread wide for them to play around in. Same here, and I work for the red Cross. |
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Meho At least you have music to listen to while you're being shafted |
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Oh, yeah, music makes even the unpleasant office mornings less unpleasant. When you know you're hurting your coleagues with some breakbeat stuff it's nice. There's a woman here who claims to listen to jazz but can't stand Miles davis. She'll be back in the office in two days and my Miles davis collection will be ready. He,he. |
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Why did Sally fall off her swing? Because Sally had no arms. Thankyou! |
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i have music as well but i often get into trouble cos is too high one day i forgot the winamp playing on its own listening to architect very low recorded, but after that came atari tenage riot and i wasen't there when i came back my pc was off with a note on it "see you in my office" when i talked to my manager he said: "is not my business what kind of music do you listen but you can't listen to that in work..... fuck this fuck that.... thats no right" |
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**********chat up lines*********** >1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long. > > >2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet >clothes. > > >3. Nice legs...what time do they open? > > >4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package. > > >5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more? > > >6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? > >7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking >to you. > > >8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have >you seen one? > > >9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight. > >10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me. > > >11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you >all day long for a quarter. > > >12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag. > > >13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked. > > >14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven? > > >15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light >switch away. > > >16. Are those real? > > >17. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy. > > >18. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for >that thing you do with your tongue. > > >19. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning. > > >20. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself. > > >21. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me > > >22. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions? > > >23. **** me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom? > > >24. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor. > > >25. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later. > > >26. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again? > > >27. Hi, I'm Mr. Righ |
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>>27. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me. |
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The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!" |
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Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularlydespondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee. |
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this is from my airline joke of ze DAY list...enjoy Two Americans boarded a flight out of Salt Lake City after the hockey game. One sat in the window seat and the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Canadian got on and took the aisle seat. After take-off, the Canadian kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the American in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer." "No problem," said the Canadian, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the Americans picked up the Canadian's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other American said,"That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Canadian obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other American picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Canadian returned to his seat, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Canadian slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes, and pissing in beers?" =0) |
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hah :) knock knock . |
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Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team" When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns his head and says,"Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch tonight". Hee Hee |
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