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 (nobody)...and 449 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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Members 8025Messages 2614128 Today 7 Topics 127542 |
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BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of America): "In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a Governor-General (who may be a Canadian who understands the idiosyncrasies of the former U.S.A) for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminum! , and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary). Furthermore, you will immediately cease and desist mispronouncing the last letter of the alphabet. It is ZED, not zee! Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. ........ |
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July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday, but you may decide to celebrate what Canadians used to call 'Dominion Day' on July 1st every year to coincide with their 'Canada Day'. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. ...... |
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Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). However, for those of you who have real difficulty with this, we will allow you to adopt the much more exciting Canadian rugby-football with 3 downs, a longer and wider field and deeper end zones. In that case, you must play 12 men, the 12th man being a Canadian. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all! monies due. (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your co-operation |
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HAHAHA :D |
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spot on! |
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Oh shut up! |
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this is so last year |
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snopes is so awesome. who's double checking them though? |
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anti-snopes. |
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they sound kind of biased... |
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I'm British and this makes me wince. I couldn't give a fuck how Americans spell things. |
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because they pointed out that john cleese didn't write the piece, and that it's been circulating in various forms for years? |
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you ruined "it," but "it" wasn't anything anyway. no, the snopes control instance; "Anti-snopes." The name suggests that they don't really like snopes in the first place, while a control instance should be unbiased. |
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they've been put there by the unholy Breakcore Monopoly, whose only goal is to to Take Over The World. they don't give a shit about anyone except their breakcore, those bastards. |
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Brilliant :) |
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ah, yes.. the Breakcore Monopoly. they're so bastardly that they didn't even bother with getting a decent logo for themselves. |
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i love it when someone has to carefully explain why something someone wrote on the messageboard was stupid. except when it's me... |
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zed's dead baby; zed's dead. |
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it is dumb that we're not using the metric system though... that shit pisses me off more than it pisses off pseudo john cleese. |
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the fact you're not using the metric system should be the very least of your worries. |
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well, you know how pseudo john cleese is.. |
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me too. |
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you can start a metric revolution! woo woo! |
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You see, I share your pessimism to a certain extent... however, where we seem to differ is that you seem to focus that pessimism only on America for some reason. I tend to think humanity is the problem and that people are basically the same no matter which dirt they happend to be born on. |
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which is to say, yes americans are crap and we have problems for sure. but, that's because we're humans and humans are crap and have problems. you're human too. |
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hmm. and how is that better, exactly? |
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are you talking humans as a biological creature ("it is in our nature to suck") or social construct ("we suck becaue that's how we're raised") or a combination? |
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it's better imhotep because redrum seems to insinuate fairly consistantly that americans are worse quality humans than most. i think we're all equally shitty. |
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i think it's a combination yeah.. |
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yes, his cynicism seems focused while yours is world encompassing. you're more evil, Jason. |
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look into my avatar, Jason.. drink deep of my avatar.. |
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probly so. oh well, back to eating babies. |
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come join , Jason.. you'll be more powerful than ever before.. and you'll get better lines.. |
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*slips into a dreamworld filled with wailing guitar solos and malboro reds as far as the eye can see* |
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america is pretty incompetent ill give him that |
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it suddenly dawned on me that you might've still been looking at my previous avatar.. not the new one: |
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using the same logic, however, wouldnt one consider the whole world incompetent seeing as how we have ready-to-use nuclear weapons ? |
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I don't have any. I think. |
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i have a couple |
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oh i guess my post didn't make any sense then did it lol? |
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d'ya know what i think? ..... |
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i prefer to resolve all of my personal issues with guns. |
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ahhha this was kind of silly! :) |
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I don't understand what is supposed to be funny about pointing out all the things the US does differently from britain. it would be boring if there was no difference between the US and British cultures, though I do agree with some of the stuff in there, particularly the part about andie macdowel, american cars, and (most) american beers. oh, to the writer of that 'article' : it's aluminum, NOT aluminIum. you said to look it up, and even though I already knew the answer, I looked it up anyway. AND YOU ARE WRONG. |
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andie mcdowell is a flaming bitch whore. she also lives in asheville. |
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To John Cleese: but i like ketchup on my "chips". crisps are chips you idiout, not crisps, and "crisps" don't exist as a foodsource!!! |
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it makes me feel a bit better to know that John Cleese didn't actually write that, because I respect him. |
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"it's aluminum, NOT aluminIum. you said to look it up, and even though I already knew the answer, I looked it up anyway. AND YOU ARE WRONG." that's exactly his point - people (in the author's mind, mostly Americans) say "aluminium" and it is "aluminum". |
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i've never heard any of my fellow americans say "aluminium". if they ever did i'd strike 'em down with an aluminum baseball bat, or cricket stick cuz their that damn stupid. |
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