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 Now online (5)Hyperflake big dariusgriffin Tony Danza belb ...and 76 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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Members 8025Messages 2614397 Today 43 Topics 127561 |
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most jokes are bad. here we have a chance to prove this. all contributions welcome. i read this on a greetings card at the weekend: after the hunchback of notre dame died, auditions were held for a new bell-ringer. word was put around that anyone and everyone was welcome to try out. early in the morning, the priest heard a knock at the door of the cathedral. the candidate was a young man in his mid-twenties, with no arms. slightly taken aback by this fact, the priest asked him how he intended to perform his duties without the required limbs. "allow me to demonstrate," replied the young man; and with that he charged off up the stairs, taking them two at a time to reach the top of the cathedral as quickly as possible. when the priest, weary and out of breath, eventually caught up with the young man, he saw that he was poised alongside the bell, waiting expectantly. "look," said the young man, and began striking his face directly against the hard metal surface of the enormous bell with all his might. as his head crashed repeatedly against the bell, the most beautiful sound rang out. the townspeople gathered around to listen. suitably impressed, the priest was about to offer the bellringer a permanent job, when suddenly he saw the young man overbalance. with no arms to steady himself, the young man slipped, and plummeted to his death on the cobbles below. rushing back down the stairs, the priest ran into the courtyard to see a crowd gathering around the young man's crumpled body. "who was he?" asked one bystander. "i don't know," replied the priest, "but his face rang a bell" |
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"if you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead....who would it be with?" "the living one" |
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hahahaha that's shit |
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yes. |
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to acrid milk hall |
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yes. agreed. |
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Where does Saddam Hussain keep his spices? In a rack. |
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two snowmen are sat in a field, one says to the other: *sniff sniff* "hey, can you smell carrots?" --------------------- Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he kneaded a shit |
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A child goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Dad, know how old I am today?" His father says, "No...how old?" He says, "I'm eleven!" He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?" She says, "Come closer..." She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear. She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven." He says, "How could you tell?" She says, "I heard you tell your father." |
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Q. What's the best thing about shagging a five-year-old? A. Hearing the pelvis crack. |
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theres always one who spoils the fun |
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indeed. "what's the best thing about shagging twentyeight year olds? ..theres twenty of them" might have, just about, been ok.. but it's too early in the day for that sort of thing patrick. |
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a man walks into a bar inconsequentially. |
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the ladder falls down, crushing the christmas-tree! |
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im waiting for all the dead baby jokes... e.g. Q) What do you get when you throw a dead baby off a wall? A) An erection |
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Lol harsh How do you make a baby drink? Put it in a blender. |
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a horse walks into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?" |
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please teach me american jokes 8) |
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huff said.. |
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huff=nuff hohoho! |
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a man walks into a bar and says, "ow!". |
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stick to the dead baby jokes, they're funnier. |
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Confession When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK," says St. Peter, "dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven." The next nun admits, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK," says St. Peter, "rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven." Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it." |
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I miss Patrick Bateman. |
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A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch." "Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally, he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep. The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined £200 for that!" To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers." |
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i had to think about that last one her cunt smells of prawn? am i right? am i right? |
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A) whats better than fuckin 5 years old wrapped boy? b) nothing |
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Q) what's better than another fucking dead baby joke A) your momma has cancer |
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Q: how many emo (or goth) kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: it would just take one, but they would rather sit in the dark and cry. |
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A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and started going at it. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side." Hurt, he replied: "Well, It's not used to playing in cathedrals." |
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A man was cruising along, looking for a prostitute. Eventually a woman stopped him, came up to his window and said, "I can suck your dick and whistle a song at the same time. A hundred bucks." "Are you serious? I've gotta see this," he answered, and so they went off to a hotel. When they got in, the prostitute told him, "The only condition is, you've got to turn the lights off while I do it." "All right," the man answered. So they turned the lights off and the prostitute started doing her job. Eventually, curiosity got the better of the man and he got up and ran to the light. On the dresser, he saw the two fifty-dollar bills he'd given the prostitute and a glass eye. |
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i dont understand it. man |
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She was performing orbital sex on him. Ha ha. |
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the socket man, the socket. |
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yay funny! |
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"... 'fuck him. give him a dollar,' but this swell lunch was my idea!" i don't remember the joke but that was the punchline. |
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