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 Now online (4)steve mcqueen DADONCK dariusgriffin big ...and 134 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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Members 8025Messages 2614071 Today 15 Topics 127541 |
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Q: What day do they electrocute prisoners on death row? A: Friday. |
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Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears. "We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed. "Why ?" gasped Declan. "Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you,a mere crab, and a poor one at that, crabs are the lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways." Declan was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable. Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor and all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another! Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally, the crab spoke... ....... ......... ............... "Fuckin' Hell!!!, I'm pissed out of my fucking brains!" |
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ha ha ha |
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Long build up to a predictable ending. |
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It's better than yours! hee hee! |
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Q: why do seagulls fly over the sea? A: because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels! |
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ha ha! JivverDickers joke was funnier! |
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Jesus, that was bad. Q) What do you call a raver trapped in a filing cabinet? A) Sorted. |
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here's a naughty one. =/ Q: what's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer? A: the prositute can wash her crack and sell it again. |
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i didn't get the one about the crab |
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cause when we're drunk we walk sideways kind of |
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Jivverdicker's joke was on television (or radio) the other day - I cannot, however, place where I heard it |
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Now I remember -- it was a documentary on David Niven. |
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so it's a famous joke now! |
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How many listens does it take to get into an Autechre CD? |
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How many listens does it take to get into an Autechre CD? SPANISH RICE! |
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They arre all shit... all of them. |
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Damn there is always someone that has heard it. |
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Jokes? |
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An orange and a banana walk into a bar Banana says to the orange: "Your round" Whats brown and sticky? a stick. A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university. "Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend." "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore." |
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Yeah |
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Okay you'll like this one How many Anus_Presley's does it take to get into an Anus_Presley CD? |
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Guy: See in a minute, I'm gonnae take this cucumber and ram it right up yer hole. Girl: Your depraved! Guy: That's a big word for a 5 year old... |
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None |
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Continuing with the nautical theme. A little squid saw an Octupuss one day. Instantly he was mesmerized, his inks leaking, he knew it was a sign of love at first sight. He swam over to the octopuss and proclaimed his undying love. The Octupuss was touched by the little squid's courage and devotion and decided to give love a chance. Both swam ashore and walked into the Sunset Hand in Hand Hand in Hand Hand in Hand Hand in Hand Hand in Hand Hand in Hand Hand in Hand Hand in Hand |
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Q:why did the monkey falll out of the tree A:cause it was dead Q:what did the zero say to the eight A:nice belt Q:whats red and crawls up a womans leg A:homesick abortion Q:whts yellow and smells of banana A:monkey sick |
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i think that at least one of the octopuss' hands should be free because when people walk hand in hand they don't use all their hands... |
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plus they havnt really got hands and dont walk either |
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." |
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i said to my ex-girlfriend, "You gave me a rash" she said, "put something on it" i said, "ok, a tenner it was you" |
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take my wife please |
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I was driving down the highway, and I'm swerving all over, coz I'm trying to change the radio, and just as I get the old one taken out I hear this traffic cop behind me, "Whee-oo, whee-oo, whee-oo" .... well, I shouldn't make fun of his speech impediment... He asks me to walk in a straight line, so I do, then he asks me "You call that a straight line?". Well, I should have said, I SHOULD have said.... "yes". But I was nervous and the only thing I could think of was "Well Officer Pythagoras, the closest you'll ever come to a straight line is if they do an electroencephalagram of your own brain-wave." |
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if you really said that... i mus applaud your efforts... you are a better human than i |
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I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. so I ran over and said "stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. |
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Why does smurf in the jump rope not happen to swim with together window season for play nice to? Because of aerosol! Ahhh ha ha ha ha!!! |
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that last one was a damn good joke. |
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These are classic... grotesque, horrid, and odd, but classic non the elss. |
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I made it to about the fifth page..... that's quite far to say I have a 6 month year old niece :( |
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:'D |
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ok... mine: Q: what does the abbreviation WWW stands for? A: World Wide Wait |
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I immediately get the image of you pushing your glasses up the bridge of your nose. |
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a man walks into a bar with an orange instead of a head, and asks for a pint of guiness and some pork scratchings. the bartender, baffled, begins to serve the man, but in a state of bewilderment has to ask the man why he has an orange instead of a head. the man with an orange instead of a head: that's a long story bartender: don't worry, i have all night the man with an orange instead of a head: alright, i was taking a walk in a forest once, i had been there quite some time.. it suddenly dawned on me that i was lost, i had no idea how i would get out the man with an orange instead of a head: after a few hours of stumbling around i came across a lamp on the floor bartender: wow, what happened next the man with an orange instead of a head: well, i picked the lamp up, and a huge puff off smoke appeared before me. the smoke then formed into a genie and said that he had been trapped inside the lamp for 12 years; for freeing him he would grant me 3 wishes. bartender: wow that's good, i didnt think those things were real the man with an orange instead of a head: yeh, well i was quite dubious. but i didnt have anything to lose.. so i had a long think, and decided to go ahead and make the wishes bartender: good idea buddy the man with an orange instead of a head: yeah, well considering the fact that i was lost, i decided that for my first wish i would ask for a giant mansion. i said "i wish for a giant mansion" and lo and behold, the most incredible mansion appeared before me bartender: thats amazing! the man with an orange instead of a head: i know. i was quite excited at this point but i managed to keep cool and decide upon my next wish. at this time i didnt have much money, so it was quite obvious what to wish for, i uttered the words "i wish to be a billionaire"; the genie assured me that the next time i checked my bank balance, i would see that my wish had truly been granted. bartender: that's great |
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the man with an orange instead of a head: yeah i know i- bartender: wait a second, what about the orange instead of a head? how did you get that? the man with an orange instead of a head: that was the third wish............................... ...... .... i wished for an orange instead of a head |
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;0 the thing is that i really wear glasses...how do you know that? cute you are! |
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(tumble-weed) ;)) |
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Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? A: You can unscrew a lightbulb. |
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!! |
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Did I offend anyone on my very first post? |
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I don't get it... |
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That's fucking great :D |
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