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 (nobody)...and 603 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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Members 8025Messages 2614128 Today 0 Topics 127542 |
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jingle, you do have your wits about you. wrex aphex. |
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dear diary, today I went to Soho, told people i was buying records (yeah right), but went into the dirty shops; lots of magazines of people shagging, which made my weewee wake up and stretch itself. was enjoying myself until a man with NHS glasses and scabs on his face was stroking my hair. he told me i was "a very pretty girl" and invited me back to his place. I said no, and then he offered me sweets. was tempted to go but didn't cos that was the same trick mike p tries. in fact i think it was mike p... and his hobby would explain why its been so long between his albums... hmm ran home and watched friends. thatch-nerd drains... |
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You should do at least one update everyday, this is top stuff. |
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dear diary, today I planned to do the following things... 1 phone warp and talk to them about releasing some new tracks that I had set aside 2 organise some rephlex dates well in advance so that I could get venues with a higher capacity than 15 people 3 get my hair cut: i don't like it long, i just never get around to cutting it. 4 get that remix for bjork done: its taken years. 5 decorate my flat: been here years and it still looks like a shithole 6 find out who that jingle guy really is. i want that banana. thats what i planned but then i remembered i am a lunatic recluse and its much more fun to download porn and eat chocolate while making tracks on my laptop so i dont have to bother getting out of bed and, did that instead grey-head bins |
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I was taking the piss u stupid ignorant fux... to jingles examples of the piss that people post on the forums. and that was a shit log, hope u die. |
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fsk is angry.... you won't like him when he's angry... wha...? whats happening?!?!? AAARGGHH!!! [fsk transforms into a very poorly CG'd hulk and smashes through wall attempting to destroy those that won't believe his munchausenesque claims] |
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Dear diary, I am in japan today. nice place but strange: its rude to talk on a tube train but strapping a girl down and making her eat a bowl of cum is acceptable. if only there was a country where you could talk on trains AND give girls a spunk buffet. oh well. japanese guy bowed at me and said something like "mr richard-san, you are my venerable twin. you honour me by japan, you are respected as professer of dancing brain." i had no idea what this meant so i just went and bought porn instead: i took a shine to porn with guys dressed in ultraman outfits sodomizing cheerleaders in platform shoes. apparently this is not uncommon. note to self: rent ultraman costume clay-flesh ping |
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lemme guess, KTPA stands for "Keep the Poop Aquified!"............? :) |
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got up this morning, had a cornish pastie and some cherry pop wich left a big pink mark on my upper lip. wen't out to play, scraped my knee then got arrested cause some of the mum's thought it was strange for a 30year old man to be playing with children. Got out of jail then helped a monkey escape from the zoo. Too bad he was rabid, now mum won't let me go out to play anymore |
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dear diary, today was the best fun i've had in a long time: went to the park and put all the dog poo i could find in a bag, and bought some fishing line. i went down the slimmers club and put the fising line between two trees and dropped all the cack on the pavement: what could be more fun than seeing fat people fall over? seeing them fall into shit, thats what! loads of them fell for it: it was like the glandular saving private ryan. this one really fat guy just lay there crying, with shit on his glasses. fat mans tears are better than cocaine. i think the crying guy was cylob. double bonus! glitch-fart strains |
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todays rating 10/10 as funny as can get, i think im gonna collect this in a txt file. please if anyone has a mac, let this be talked by mac-voice and pitch the talkies in funny ways!!! |
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That's a damn cool idea. I've got a text to voice thing that I could do it with. |
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great!!! im looking forward to it... :P |
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hahahaha man the mods should send you cash for this |
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10.10.01 dear diary, today i got me a prgram to tweak voices. i made me sound like mike p. and called tom j. tom said strange things like: "when is richard going to grow up and pays me a visit for a ride?" i didnt know he has a motorbike... and :"when will you stop wanking, mike and shove yer ass up here?" also:" this new backstreet boys video is sooo sexy and the music is better than we did for years, man, we gotta do some good stuff again..." i advised him to call justin timberlake for some proper production, since hes desperatley looking to cope with his loss on pritney. tom said he wouldnt dare calling his idol. what a wanker!! so i hang up telling him hes a wanker and to never call me again until he asked justin for a date. later that day he called me and was crying like a little schoolgirl because someone called him a wanker. i made fun of him until he didnt answer anymore and i could hear some window opening and a scream of a woman. look like i took out another one, but whos gonna make my next album now...? note to self: stop getting helpful people out of the way. |
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how about we stick to letting jingle take care of this shit |
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WERD roygbivcore |
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thanks roygbivcore, and by the way i am more than willing to accept payment for this :) if not could that wonderful cherub JOYREX chuck me a free membership of WATMM. would all patrons of this board bring this to attention by spamming the fuck out of his e-mail/ site :) haha also if any warpers, phlexers or richard himself has read this thread i would like to know what you think of it cos a i've always wanted to know what a law suit is like...hehe |
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dear diary, today i went to my shrink: he told me some stuff but i don't think its accurate: he said my long hair, beard, cryptic messages and narcism meant i had a jesus complex. i told him this was rubish cos jesus could never program a synth like i could: in fact i told him that both he and jesus had aphex twin complexes. richard d. jesus |
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dear diary today was cool! this guy found richard d james diary and was telling us things from it! i also made pizza and it was good. p.s. i think my parents don't love me anymore Exploity Kid Door |
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jingle... you make me tingle in all my private areas. keep the love flowin you sexy bitch! |
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thank you dinosaur. who is that in your avatar? |
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if thats melissa j-h get your filthy hands off i saw her first. seriously. |
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yep - melissa joan hart. pre-teen tv star turn sex icon for nerds in the 21st century. you should see the full photo i got this head shot from. very very naughty indeed. classy... in a sluty c.toe way. *saliva drips* |
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this stuff is great - keep up with it and i'll..uh...keep..read..ing.... sorry i can't pay you, i'm poor |
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pre-teen tv star in the late 80s mind you. she's full woman now. |
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dear diary, after a gig today some horrible little cunt of a fan came up to me and gave me a cd-r of his stuff. he was ginger and looked like a clown syndrome, or whatever that babyface thing is. I put the cd on and it was cack. duff melodies, rubbish beats and cackhanded writing. chucked it in the bin. later on I got a call from mike P; being a wimbledon womble like he is he was trying to get some food from the bins and found the cd. and signed the guy to planet Mu. oh dear... pained-mesh clinks |
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dear diary, made up a new joke today: "how many electronic musicians does it take to change a lightbulb? answer "too many, cos I have to do it first, then squarepusher has to do it with a seinfield bassline, then mike p has to do it cheesily and half as well, then richard devine has to change it using reaktor... etc" it seems everyones favourite game is follow the leader... rich-perv glans |
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dear diary, today i saw 2 guys having gay bumsex. eurgh!! thats ver naughty and baby jesus doesn't like it. then they licked eachothers willies and rubbed them until glue came out. then one of the guys ate all the glue and shat into the other guys hand. he then ate the bum-soil egg he had made! sick! note to self: no more matmos gigs rich-ha-ha-hard jammmmz |
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This is quality stuff. I really need to copy it into that text to speech program. |
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i told him this was rubish cos jesus could never program a synth like i could: in fact i told him that both he and jesus had aphex twin complexes. LMFAO! |
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i would heartilly recommend going through the whole thread cos i post on it whenever i am bored...which is quite often... |
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jingle all the way |
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Bet Rich reds this and thinks it's jsut like the manga film, "Perfect Blue" :) |
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fucking hilarious!! havent laughed like that for a while... :D |
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that "saw 2" was a nice touch |
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dear diary, had fun today: pulled off some amazing feats of hacking- legally changed all the government records to say "grant cabbage wilson". then broke into nasa encrypted data and deleted large chunks of it- can't wait to see what happens. then commited probably the greatest act of hacking/fraud in existence: i made people think that richard devine is any good. haha stray-bed swings |
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to think of some of the shit that gets printed by nme. if i had no taste in records and a labotomy i'm sure i could write for them one day... |
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I was about to suggest you tried to get a column with them. NME lap this sort of AFX rumour stuff up. |
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seinfeld bassline! hahhahahhahahahahahahah |
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oh dear lord... that is the funniest thing i have read for days. |
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dear diary, just noticed that mike p has a lightning shaped scar on his forehead. could mike p be the real life harry potter? nah doubt it, people actually like harry potters releases haha |
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is that the same corticalism that told me to "shut the fuck up"? was that cos you didin't like my earlier posts or was it jealousy because i have pubes? |
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dear diary, today i rode my bike round elephant and castle: the people round here are all retarded, criminal, grotesque, scarred shells of human beings: got me hard so i went home and touched my thingy. all those sub-humans reminded me tho; american tour coming up... stray-pet minge |
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solo? or opening fer ex-suga gurl? |
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this is not a diary entry: just thought i'd post because i found it disturbing. was walking home from my girlfriends house at like 3 in the afternoon and some woman in silver hotpants, silver bikini top and sequin platform boots offered me sex for £20: that is like $30 or here in london a coffee from starbucks is like £3.i don't think it was a scam cos she said i could fuck her in a location i chose. i was kinda shocked because it was like 25yards from a school and she is turning tricks in broad daylight dressed like a lap dancer. london is fucked up |
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bet she has 5 exotic diseases |
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your mother has to pay the rent somehow |
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dont make fun of ma... she only has one eye and has to wink-off the gentry for table scraps and penny sweets with her vacant eye socket... |
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hmmm... this makes an adequate 100th post - i think that mr. jingle is quite the knee knocker, or rather, his jokes are the creators of that particular joint syndrome. keep it up. or ill stab you in the face with my keen sense of respect for the trash men that only pick up the blue bags in my area. |
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