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 Now online (1)recycle ...and 104 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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Members 8025Messages 2618565 Today 4 Topics 127845 |
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from a CHEEKY BRIT no less......=0) AN old television, with a toaster inside makes a cheap but effective "microwave oven"...for making toast. AVOID backache from bending to pick your tomatoes, by simply digging a 4 foot trench alongside your plants. Step into the trench and you'll find your tomatoes are conveniently at chest height. CLUMSY? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. SAVE time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. OLYMPIC athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada SMOKERS. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one. BEFORE attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone. GIVE comics that 'Pulp Fiction feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order. HIGH blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. HEAVY smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft. MOTORISTS. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets. CREATE instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings. CONVINCE neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a white van or similar vehicle outside your house for a few |
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d'oh.........twas CUT off cont..... days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the van unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning! HAVE all your sh1tes at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it. OLD telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know. FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb. LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. NO time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off. APPLY red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected). MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off. A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity. WHEN out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right. SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help. BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock. OLD folks. Avoid confusion between these new 'microwave' ovens and televisions by cutting out a large letter 'M' in brightly coloured paper, and sticking it to the door of the oven. TEENAGERS. Fed up with posters falling off the wall? Simply |
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OMG, you wont believe the number of people that actually DON'T do that...and when I see them looking the other way...I smack an imaginary palm against my forehead. LOL. SAVE time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. |
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great tips indeed!! thanks! ^^ |
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HAHAHAA......isn't that a TIME SAVER......i'm gonna try that =0)!! herro still contin..... TEENAGERS. Fed up with posters falling off the wall? Simply file them in a filing cabinet under 'P' and you'll know exactly where to find them if you want a quick look. SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there. SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat. DON'T fork out on expensive smoke alarms. simply fill balloons with water and hang them from the ceiling. Then cover the floor with air-filled balloons, each with a drawing pin stuck to the top. In the event of a fire the temperature will cause the air-filled balloons to rise up from the floor, and the pins will burst the water-filled balloons, thus extinguishing the fire. Probably. RE-SPRAYING your car? Cover it with 'Cling Film' first. If you don't like the new colour, simply peel it off and start again. BUY a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control. HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket. WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air. AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return. SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the gara |
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(though cut out again) |
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dang......sorry fellas... glad you're finding them useful UZIM! =0) cont... TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the f@ck you're going. PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window. SAVE the cost of installing cable TV by taping current editions of Top Of The Pops and then watching them in fifteen years' time. NEVER attempt to fasten your shoe laces in a revolving supermarket door. MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them. SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think. PENSIONERS. Don't forget to retire to bed before 8.00 pm so that you can get up tomorrow at the crack of dawn and go and collect your morning paper while anyone with any sense is still sound asleep in bed. PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner. WEIGH your pet by first weighing yourself, then weighing yourself again, this time carrying your pet. Deduct the first weight from the second to reveal your pet's weight.(If weighing goldfish, remember to make an allowance for the weight of the bowl and the water). BEE keepers. Keep bee hives in strawberry fields to get jam instead of honey. PRETEND your house is a pub by stubbing out cigarettes on the carpet, watering your cans of beer and kicking your wife out into the garden at 11:30. KEEP monkeys out of your kitchen by hiding bananas on top of a wardrobe in your bedroom. PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when atten |
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this REALLY should be it......waaaaah cont... PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name triangle for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job. BEER bottle tops floated upside down in the bath, make ideal 'dinghies' for spiders. Flies can also use them as aircraft carriers. EAT moderate amounts of food daily so that you do not become too overweight. Then, in the event of collapsing in a toilet cubicle, a passer-by will be able to drag you out through the 6 inch gap under the door and walls. POP a few teabags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap. WHEN crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. DETER goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act. AVOID embarrassment after tripping in the street by repeating the movement several times to make it seem like part of your normal behaviour. TRANSFORM your garden into a Euro Disney style theme park by charging your neighbour £20 to get in, £5 for an ice cream and then make him wait 4 hours for a ride on your lawnmower. IF you foul the air in someone else's bathroom, disguise the smell by lighting a match and setting fire to a hand towel. DON'T write you PIN number on the back of your cash card because you won't be able to read it once you've put it in the machine. FELLAS. A fun way to keep warm on cold winter nights is to fill your inflatable sex doll with hot water. |
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and they lived happily ever after |
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who......these two??? FELLAS. A fun way to keep warm on cold winter nights is to fill your inflatable sex doll with hot water. =0) |
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ahahhahaha!! great tips =) |
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*pokes Sido's soft claymation belly button* glad you enjoyed them......they really are my MANTRA! hahahahha |
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my favorite OLYMPIC athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada I think i might actually start doing this =) MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them. |
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MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them. I work behind the counter occasionally and whenever people do that I don't feel like a criminal but does get on my nerves. |
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''BEER bottle tops floated upside down in the bath, make ideal 'dinghies' for spiders. Flies can also use them as aircraft carriers. '' Now that is just adorable! |
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ho ho! someone been going through their back issues of viz! |
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LOL!!!!!111 |
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yay i always shit at work. i love getting paid to shit. masturbating at work has the same appeal. |
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He he, all these ones come from the "Viz Top Tips" compilation. Viz books are regularly given as Christmas presents between the males in my family. The profanisaurus looks good, I'm hoping for a copy of that his year. Some other top tips off the top of my head: Owners of expensive convertible cars- perform a service to your community by not fitting the hard top when it is windy. This way your car alarm will give regular "weather updates" when it is triggered in the night. Owners of terraced houses, convince neighours you have a fantastic sex life by kicking the wall rhythmically whilsty moaning loudly. Gentlemen, enjoy a fun game of "sex rodeo" by doing your missus doggy style and suddenly calling out her mother/sister/best friend's name. |
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but I don't like shitting at work... the toilet paper hurts my ass!! |
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You must have a sensitive ass my friend. "Its not the toilet paper that kill , its the guns!" No wait.... |
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It's like what they say: "guns don't kill people, people kill people." In the case of liquor the saying should go, "liquor doesn't punch holes in walls, you just hate your dad." |
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well businesses usually have toilet paper that is like...regular paper.. |
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here's a nice story... one time I ran out of toilet paper in the bathroom at work, and had to use paper towels... damn, that hurt... and it clogged the toilet! |
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how to get a guarenteed overdraft: spend more money than you've got in your account |
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i'm picturing you attempting to walk in a semi-sitting position with your pants around your ankles and a worried look on your face as you scramble to pull papertowels out of the dispenser before somebody walks in. i have a similar story i'd rather not share. |
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i think it's time that this thread changed into the "gross nasty shit stories" thread |
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MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them. This drives me crazy!!!! People do this all of the time, even when I count the money back to them!!! |
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the poster and fast wipe ones were my favorites |
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ceri......is that the name Viz Top Tips? these are great i had no idea they came from a book......ehhehehhe i'd love to get some copies to give out as gifts........love this humor! i'm gonna do a search on bn.com and amazon.....i hope they are available world wide, eventhough they seem to be a 'british thang' =0) |
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thanks! some of those tips will be really useful. |
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