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 Now online (2)recycle belb ...and 167 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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Members 8025Messages 2614303 Today 24 Topics 127557 |
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VIZ TOP TIPS Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence. J B Cartland, Brighton. Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker "Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace. J. T., Thropton. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings. B Villbens, Birmingham. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously "erased." Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge. A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties. L Traintu, Clarkesville. Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey. It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph." James Francis, East Glamorgan Hospital. Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding under the covers. Charles Holley, Newcastle. Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice. Ms. G. M. Dowd, Wigan. Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside. P.Turner, Liverpool L17. Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it. D. Treloar, Wandsworth. A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an ideal "car" for snakes. G. Dorson, Skipton. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon. Phil Wasey, Liverpool. Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press |
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Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time. Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner. Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas. N. Burke, Manchester. Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else, instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid Bastards. M Burridge, Newcastle. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. P Raker, Chatham. I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving. The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have completely forgotten ever owning a car. Mike Grey, Essex. Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them. T.C. Jackson, York. Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each temple. Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood. Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" a few wank mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and easier to smuggle into the toilet. Carl Hesketh, Blackburn. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place. Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S. Berwick, Blackrod. Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their holes. J.T. Thropton. Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down the street wearing a |
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Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place. Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood. Yes, if only Mohammed Atta had booked a flight directly to the WTC. |
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lazy towelheads! |
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hmmm ok maybe that one isn't quite so "top" |
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"In the name of Allah and all that is holy, I would like to book a flight into the decadent black heart of your Oval Office!" |
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