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 (nobody)...and 97 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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to hate people. to tell them they should fucking kill themselves, because some people are walking piles of sledge. all the crooked shits robbing me now, thinking of u there. i'm half joking about it the whole time, but brass tacks, i haven't had a proper blowjob in years. all this dancing around the matter and the stars have never quite aligned. and now, you know what? fuck off. keep it. i hate everyone. i'm not fucking any of you meatsacks you can all burn in hell |
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...and, right. no, i'm not going to fuck christmas up. i only comment because i made some dark comment about it around halloween and no i'll just be trying to survive, thanks. to take care of myself and stretch and eat granola, if is perfectly alright with you fucking fucks |
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or will this clown system randomly decide, oh, yes, we're locking you back up again destroy your physical conditioning keep you in a shit boring room for 22 hours a day except in leg irons no granola just food that makes for messy poops and meanwhile you've decided it's perfectly fine to not offer underwear for over two weeks and tell me you'll get socks and never get socks. but we will knock your skull in and yes, this spot in my abdomen, it fucking sucks. it hurts every day. like someone punched me in the gut. and now i need to get a lawyer and go to court and defend myself against... well, how dare i get beat to shit by a bunch of violent pieces of shit that should fucking kill themselves clearly i'm the unstable one and i need to be evaluated or some shit which means some asshole gets to rob masshealth as a mechanism to juice me more. and kill yourself. you meatsacks. you parasites |
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what i want for christmas is for a very long naughty list of people to fucking kill themselves. i'm praying for it |
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and i'm allowed to think all this and say all this in my corner, fuck you. i'm just talking here. in a moment i'll close the laptop and lock it in the safe so you niggers can't bogart that too and jesus shit it would be nice to simply go somewhere, where there are no people at all so i can actually be myself rather than subjected to everyone's fucking hangups |
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I think the best Autechre track is "De-Orbit" from their album "Ginger" |
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i'm sore everywhere my muscles atrophied sitting in that shit cell in dirty underwear for two weeks and fucking kill yourself i hate everyone |
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i'm in the mood for DRS right now. dancerush stardom soundtrack. songs from arcade machines written to be these 2min in-and-out crack hits so you'll put another quarter in the machine. the rhythms provide a basis for thought and movement and getting fings done i don't really have time to go run some autechre science experiment now but if that's where you're at cool god bless it is nice to just study something sean grew in the lab and have a good think |
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in fact, don't kill yourself roger wilco, you're running some autechre music software in your brain vastly better than what most of these meatsacks do with theirs i think people get so in a kerfuffle about KILL URSELF because deep down some people kind of acknowledge that yes, they actually are the shit, the problem. too close to home as it were |
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no one gives a shit if you burn in hell |
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i didn't say that. in fact, lots of people tell me that sort of thing -- that no one cares about me -- but i don't believe in that any more than i do in hell. it's a metaphor for infrared waste heat you dolts i am just having a real crisis here. over and over, i've even had... people that care about me very much vastly screwing my life up because they have some tiny brain-dead misconception of what's actually going on and they think they have the right to.. whatever. i've also been banned repeatedly for casually firing off "kill yourself" and i was coming back to such a moment to say -- that was just something i said off the cuff. now that i think of it, not everyone i said that to really deserved to die. but you know what? some of the people have fucked me over like this really are nothing but parasites i was horribly depressed on thanksgiving because FUCKING ALONE ON THANKSGIVING AGAIN it has to be at least ten times now and it was funny at first getting to the store and not realizing why it was closed at first but now i just feel like humanity is a fucking piece of shit how do you expect me to behave. and after what i've just been through. they kept me in jail a week after bail was posted because... they messed up paperwork? after beating me up so bad i needed to go to the hospital to get my scalp stapled together? and this was after i'd been in jail a day, it wasn't the arrest. and having to wear the same underwear and socks for two weeks as mice crawled in and out of my cell with nothing sometimes not even a book sometimes for two days straight i feel loneliness like anyone else and it is agonizing how alone i feel. but i am looking forward to christmas alone because it's much safer than being around other people |
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well said man, ill be alone as well, loneliness can be also safety and the least of your problems now, sorry for all the fuck ups |
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my mom just now was like "oh i thought they beat you up during the arrest" and well i got some bruises but NO this was in police custody in the jail a day later and SFHGJfdg no one even gives enough of a shit to get straight i am mad as heck and i deeply wish nothing more than people would stop the crap and take a step back and look at what i have been through. i've lost almost everything i own, i've had to sleep in street alleys, got scammed out of an apartment, lived in a shelter, and to me, even, it has almost started to feel normal. that's what really pisses me off. i was in peak physical condition and now i hurt all over still i'm a skeleton from the food there, then the fuckers stole my quarters and i couldn't do laundry when i got out and on and on and this thred, well, i just need to beat people on the head with it for a moment. and then shut up about it. i don't know what my line is, i'll play it by ear. i've no problem being perfectly normal and pleasant going down the street, it's more anything beyond a perfunctory surface conversation and i'll likely have to excuse myself before i casually leak a bit of how i really feel and then usually the person gets angry at me and bans me at that point or something so i'm ranting about it for a while and then on to essentially not interacting with anyone for... again, i don't know. i'm going to fuck around with my computer stuff and relapse on alcohol. i have to admit i spent days, even weeks alone at a time in 2014 and actually, i was fine with that? it's only when i get into dwelling about something something can never feel comfortable again etc that i really get moody on it. and what else did i do in 2014? oh yes. bourbon. burp |
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i do appreciate this board very much right now. since i can say anything i damn please to a crowd who... well, if you're old enough to have made an account AND you're still here, i can presume you're on the same wavelength to a certain level. and without that things are much harder to express. and i get banned before i can finish the sentence |
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anyways if some stalker chick fucks all your shit up you're allowed to tell her to kill herself and mean it but then shark has expressed his feelings and walks off. it's, like, not a demand. it's a request |
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i have to admit part of this mood is really about the furries, and, damn i feel like an entire network of Talking About EpicMegaShark has sprung up and what kills me is these people had just put the same level of effort inviting me over for a bbq or something as they do... gosh, i'll probably never know the full extent of what people have done to "help" me... if you'd just treat me like a regular shark... er, person, whatever... stop fucking ostracizing and othering me... and banning me for expressing my anger over it... maybe i wouldn't be so fucking angry... i don't know. to wrap this up, i'm going to get drunk [relapse? no i was joking sry should be clear] and then focus on rebuilding my physical condition and calling lawyers |
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this thread was actually not aimed at anyone specific i should note i wasn't thinking of anyone in particular when i made this thread. i was just addressing the issue of saying such in general. and the first few posts, yes, i was in a state where i was seriously considering options like "arrange to spend the rest of my life somewhere completely free of human contact" and i've calmed down a little but it's still an option i'm considering |
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Most of us read it as a full-frontal assault on big. |
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it's just this blended miasma of backstabbing so many people have outright fucked me over, including family, people i never expected to go so far ever, then strangers getting in on the party and stabbing me too and, heck, what do we have left? send out some ewoks to bludgeon me with clubs and emotional support animals wrapped in razor wire |
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oh no i meant everyone |
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people have failed me and then robbed me and beat me and... what's left? i'm not joking when i say i have this deep longing for, like: could you fix this somehow? redeem yourself somehow? i would really like you back, humanity but no i can't even get some random nerd over to snuggle and spoon. and i dunno i may actually wind up offing myself sooner or later out of sheer loneliness that's kind of why i hope people will make it up to me somehow in some way that way i don't have to throw then all under the bus and make it forever because there's just to much for me to let go and disciplined about not moping around about anything it's wasted time but this is inescapable. the ruins of my body my absent friends and family no physical contact in ages besides being assaulted and been by cops |
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i miss 2019 and smoking weed in the attic with my synths and NPR i was entirely alone for days and weeks then too, also felt super lonely at times, but then i could reach out to my friends online and gosh what am i sticking around for? i'd just rather not die i guess |
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why big? what did big do to make this thread about big? is big one of the people from the other thing? you know what i mean or maybe you don't. but i really am ??? if you walk into this thread and say STOP BEING MEAN TO BIG and them i'm posting a disclaimer because... did i ever tell eleminop to kill himself? i'm not sure. well, don't, in any case. but you should stop being such a greedy tightward 4real |
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but i saw him logging on and he had suicide thots in his past and shit dude, not you this a different round of bullshit ol' epic is dealing with 2nite |
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immortality would bring plenty of chance to be lonely; in fact it be normal as the weather being cold |
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you often sound pretty angry epic maybe, work on that |
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yes, i did sound angry. there it is. because i was fucking angry. yep. now i am a shark in a coffee sharp in harcard skare and.... help the letters are sticking in my teef again |
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that's the functional end of it a german should appreciate, i figure -- look, epic was really angry here at this moment. and it made fucking sense. remember that moment? because now this thread has a six kilostone brass rendering of the moment as lobby art [it looks sort of like a whip made of lightning?] |
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and then it's earthed. completely, appropriately, thoroughly... perhaps even admittedly even a bit smugly.... as one would a good poop |
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boils down ta factor of da matter is dat dis stuff takes a lot of mental horsepower to churn through and figure out: start off with a classic "What The Fuck," then perhaps move on to "How The Shit" [[after realizing something that should be impossible seems to have found a way to make itself possible]] then i have to agonize over What Should I before I Have To Before Because Trespassed from da propert |
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along with juggling stupid loan apps and expensive awkard hotels [but at least it's better than awkward expensive hotels (sharks remember to leverage chirality)] i have to process all sorts of stuff that would take normal people years of therapy to even start to accept in order to... not break off a larger chunk than i can comfortably fit in my mouth. but ignoring it is like ignoring a poop. on that note -- shit, maybe that one can wait until tomorrow so it's hard to pinpoint i actually will get into thinking about the business, and like weather: today and tomorrow are business days i'll probably seem quite normal but then on christmas i'll be in that liminal timeless sheen again and so it's a very functional thing, if epics is going to get really angry again christmas sounds good because he'll have nothing else to do then and he knows it so he's not letting certain really obnoxious threads interrupt the business |
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Epic, reading this thread, what comes through most clearly is that you’re in the middle of a serious trauma reaction. You describe being beaten in custody, degraded for weeks, losing housing and possessions, dealing with chronic pain, legal stress, and repeated social rejection. That’s not minor stuff. Anyone who went through that would be destabilized. The anger you’re expressing isn’t random — it’s rooted in real harm and loss. Right now, anger is doing almost all the emotional work for you. It gives you a sense of power, clarity, and self-protection when everything else feels broken. The problem is that it’s spilling out indiscriminately — at “everyone,” whole groups, the forum itself. When the anger has no boundaries, other people can’t tell when you’re venting versus when you’re attacking, so they back away or push back. A big issue in this thread is the collapse between private thoughts and public speech. You keep asserting that you’re “allowed to think this” or that you’re “just talking.” That’s true — but saying extreme, hostile things in a shared space will still have consequences, even if they’re off-the-cuff or not aimed at anyone specific. That mismatch is why bans and misunderstandings keep happening. |
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You also fall into a loop that’s hurting you: pain turns into verbal violence (“kill yourself,” dehumanizing language), which leads to rejection, which then confirms your belief that people are garbage and can’t be trusted. The thread shows that you often realize this after the fact, but in the moment there’s no brake. Underneath all of this, though, the strongest signal isn’t hatred — it’s loneliness. You talk about wanting physical closeness, missing your old life, missing friends, and fearing permanent isolation. The rage reads less like contempt for humanity and more like fury at needing people and being repeatedly hurt by them. So what’s “wrong” here isn’t that you’re evil, stupid, or crazy. It’s that you’re traumatized, using anger as your only stabilizer, and trying to get understanding while speaking in a way that guarantees people will feel unsafe and disengage. You want connection, but the way the pain is coming out keeps burning the bridges you actually want to cross. |
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Hey look Buster, you aren’t me, and the shortest explanation of me is to be me, and I don’t think you have that much time so stop talking like you’re the authority on what it’s like to be me in anyway whatsoever. Rather than attempt to accept and process anything, I’ve said, you’ve treated it all as hazardous waste just as I am now when I am simulating your train of thought as some vulcanizing lava machine incinerating hazardous waste, you see what I did there? That’s a visual metaphor, describing my functional critique of your style of thought as you wrote your response, you came prepared to incinerate my post and did so promptly without any actual care concern for the content you’re only concern is for yourself and the bridges you want to protect, no one else is bright enough to have a bridge that is on fire like you |
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I very carefully describe the process of deliberately waiting to mentally process a difficult matter so I can focus on functional things during a window when business hours are open and leave the meltdown to happen on Christmas when no one is talking to me anyways, and I might get depressed anyway so why not? But that’s not a plan either, it’s just a small mental programming hook and that’s how I handle something. I have to deal with eventually, but don’t want to deal with it all. |
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Probably almost 10 years ago I noticed I’ve gotten so good at not thinking about things that it had become counterproductive and how infuriating now I have to carefully allow myself to melt down a little in a controlled manner and gradually air this thing out like a pressure cooker or something or just pop the whole lid when we hit the next social drop zone I would appreciate it if you could try and process and it accept my anger because no one is doing anything and now it’s gotten to critical levels and can you blame me for saying something? And not ban me? |
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Epic, I’m not claiming authority over you or trying to define who you are. You’re right about one thing: I’m not you, and I can’t be. What I did was respond to what you wrote and how it comes across to someone reading it, not pronounce judgment on your inner life. What you read as me “incinerating” your posts looks more like you reacting to being interpreted at all. The pushback isn’t really about accuracy — it’s about control. Being analyzed, even carefully, feels like being handled or neutralized, and that’s something you’re clearly allergic to. You also shifted away from the substance and onto my supposed motives and style. That’s a familiar move when the content hits close to home: it’s safer to argue about tone, metaphors, or imagined intent than to sit with what’s actually being said. Nothing I said required you to accept it. You’re free to reject it entirely. But rejecting the act of reflection doesn’t mean the reflection was empty — it just means it landed somewhere uncomfortable. If you don’t want engagement that looks like interpretation, that’s fair. Just understand that when you put raw material into a shared space, people will respond from their own vantage point — not to erase you, but because they’re trying to make sense of what you’ve put down. |
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After this I stop... totally understandable, what you’re saying here. You’re not denying the anger — you’re saying you’ve spent years suppressing it, and now you’re trying to vent it deliberately instead of letting it explode all at once. That actually makes sense. What you describe — pressure building because no one is responding to the underlying harm — sound logical to me. Wanting that anger to be seen and processed instead of ignored is reasonable, and it’s clear you’re trying to manage it rather than lose control completely. |
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