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eating pretzels
 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-03 23:16 [#02633148]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



tough work but someone's got to do it


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-03 23:18 [#02633149]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



rumor has it tom jenkinson has eaten way more pretzels than
luke vibert in 2024


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-06 02:31 [#02633194]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



~THE ORIGINAL SPLIT OPEN PRETZEL~

is this fucking bullshit or not?

Our Original Splits recipe was developed in the 1950's
using simple ingredients and a slow bake process. We let the
raw pretzel set to perfection before placing it in the oven
where it bursts open creating deep crevices and hollow
pockets which maximize the prezel's flavor and
crunch


is this legitimate prezel science? or are they trying to
paper over fragmented pretzels with marketing?

what are the motives of the spannuth family


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-06 02:32 [#02633195]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



i don't think even recycle could ruin pretzels


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-06 02:51 [#02633199]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



can a pretzel triangle?

what do you call triangle pretzel?
pretzang?
tangzel?
trizangle?
trizetz
prel


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-06 02:52 [#02633200]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



reycle triangle pretzel Drunk Oliphant Sephora


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-06 02:53 [#02633201]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



how did stalin feel about pretzels?


 

offline big from lsg on 2024-03-12 00:26 [#02633373]
Points: 23444 Status: Regular | Followup to EpicMegatrax: #02633201 | Show recordbag



everybody likes pretzels


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-12 01:54 [#02633380]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



can you get stalin on the record about this?


 

offline big from lsg on 2024-03-12 07:48 [#02633402]
Points: 23444 Status: Regular | Show recordbag



working on it


 

offline big from lsg on 2024-03-12 07:50 [#02633403]
Points: 23444 Status: Regular | Show recordbag



soviet russia under stalin infamously had a yeast problem,
that made pretzels the wrong shape. millions of people found
themselves forced to eat weirdly shaped pretzels. it was one
of the horrors of communism


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-12 13:41 [#02633414]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



dollars to donuts hitler hated pretzels. it's the sort of
shit that simply writes itself

you still haven't gotten stalin on the record w/rt pretzels.
he's a tougher call


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-12 13:44 [#02633415]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



i still have a problem with pretzel dust. it's on my desk.
it's on my wheelie chair mat. when i think about this, it
bothers me incredibly much. so, typically, i avoid thinking
about it -- but i'd rather solve this pretzel dust problem


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-12 13:50 [#02633416]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



over time the pretzel dust gets recursively ground down into
finer pretzel dust. but it's not linear; past a certain
point the curve takes off like a rocket and you're never
getting all the pretzel dust out from the crevices of your
slippers dude just forget it


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-12 13:54 [#02633417]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



in truth i made this thred because i wanted to know if
"split pretzel" was marketing horseshit or not. and i've
only found more questions


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-12 13:59 [#02633418]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



the pretzel bag trying to pump me full of split pretzel
whatever... deep crevices and hollow pockets which
maximize the prezel's flavor and crunch
that, shit,
that is part of what makes a pretzel. good. made of

gets us into debate about the ideal density adventure across
ye typical pretzel. how much air pocket and where should
they be located? and can pretzels be re-engineered to be
dustless?


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-12 14:00 [#02633419]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



i wonder if stalin ever thot about how flavor is partially a
function of surface area distribution


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-12 14:15 [#02633420]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



computer science has this game it plays on long car trips
that goes like, "let's mathematically prove how hard it is
to simulate ____"

and i'm thinking. the complex internal structure of, yes,
just a pretzel. being crushed by teef. model the physics in
3D, then we get into arguing about how taste itself works.
you could literally pour millions of dollars into this and
fail. if you regard this thread as stupid take a moment to
think about ~ try and actually simulate a pretzel being
eaten and prove things about air pockets and flavor and
taste. these things are real and important and crucial to
what makes a pretzel good, but can you fucking nail any of
it down? no. you small small man


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-12 14:29 [#02633421]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



i'm studying one now, and... yes, like, there are large
pockets of air in random places, the dense white pretzel
matter is full of small pockets. depending on the batter and
how it cooled and... this is practically a random number
generator


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-12 14:35 [#02633422]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



five year old me would think of this, "there is a whole
universe in every pretzel." i may have actually thought
this; i can't recall.

now i'm thinking that this is a chaotic system, but it's
closed at some level. the pretzel forms an exterior and once
you've separated outside from inside there may be some
predictability in how the inside develops

under stalin, pretzels were always baked on time


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-12 14:47 [#02633423]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



"man, pretzels is the same" --hannibal

i mean, ok. you sat the man down and had him compare rold
gold to... another pretzel brand; identical pretzel form
factor. and what's this segment called? fuck off. pretzels
is the same

i'm not arguing with this. you can, however.... is it thick
pretzel? thin? rods or pretzel pretzel? all will lead to
different internal structures

more importantly, you can also FUCK A PRETZEL UP and i give
this pretzel brand a solid 6/10 the fucking burned them a
bit; too charred and hard. and are they trying to justify
this fucking sass with their split pretzel bullshit?

i think it's a bit of both, actually. they were probably
good pretzels for 1950 but technology has advanced and
you're selling me the crappy split pretzels from the 50s
because that's the best they could do before hemispherical
combustion chambers


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-12 17:42 [#02633428]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



you're selling me the crappy split pretzels from the 50s
because that's the best they could do before hemispherical
combustion chambers


for my notes -- if anyone's reading this -- i imagine the
ending of this sentence sounds funny, but you've no idea why
i've put that thing there? the reference failed? like a joke
about graphs?

the hemispherical combustion chamber, aka "hemi" is a
complete piece of marketing horseshit... in 2024. back in
the 70s or something (can't be arsed to look it up) they
realized an engine cylinder is more efficient/boom with a
hemispherical cap atop instead of just flat. but this is
before computers and machining this is difficult and
requires HUMAN MANUAL LABOR and later MERELY VERY PRICEY so
saying "it's got a hemi" used to be, like, high-end hotrod
shit. now computers yawn as they churn out hemis in, like,
every car on the road.

so my joke is that this split pretzel thing is about on par
with the hemi marketing horseshit

these pretzels with peanut butter inside -- the "nugget"
form-factor, i suppose -- are much better.

next question: how do they get the peanut butter inside?

[do you ever think, like, people used to make nails by hand?
and robots didn't peanut butter the pretzels? my gosh it
must have been such an extravagance to have peanut-butter
filled pretzel under stalin. if it was even permitted]


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-12 18:02 [#02633429]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



and i thot i was fucking ridiculous:

LAZY_TITLE

An old tradition on Palm Sunday dating back to 1533 is
the outdoor pretzel market (Brezgenmarkt) in the
Hungerbrunnen Valley near Heldenfingen.

In the Rhineland region, sweet pretzels are made with
pudding-filled loops (pudding pretzels). On Laetare Sunday
in Luxembourg, the fourth Sunday in Lent, there is a
festival called "Pretzel Sunday". Boys give their
girlfriends pretzels or cakes in pretzel form.[20] The size
symbolizes how much he likes her.


...does anyone realistically, like... "oh, you're alright,
i've made you a medium-large love pretzel" ?

pretzel sunday. sheesh


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-12 18:07 [#02633430]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



so, pretzels are... 1500 years old? maybe? now can we take
"pretzel technology" as something you could, actually,
probably fill an entire college degree with?

in any case, this proves pretzels are old enough and big
enough that there is absolutely no way stalin could NOT have
had an opinion on pretzels. and i need to know what it was.
for my notes


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-12 18:09 [#02633431]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



when were stairs invented? pretzel unrelated


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2024-03-12 18:26 [#02633432]
Points: 24872 Status: Regular



LAZY_TITLE

oh no that wasn't.... oh, hey! this is old skool internet
terrible. let's share

pretzels so big in bavaria; could hitler have _really_ hated
pretzels and gained any sort of popular support? but that
weird crap site is all the internet has and maybe, you know
-- truth is stranger infarction, and despite it being the
obvious joke... hitler really did hate pretzels

i suspect stalin merely ate pretzels and didn't put much
thought into them


 


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