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so tired of injuries
 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2022-11-13 04:31 [#02622267]
Points: 19931 Status: Addict



it seems like i cannot go 24 hours without injuring myself
at least once. and i don't mean cutting or some teenage girl
shit like that, i mean... just now, i am taking my glove
off, and it requires a bit of a tug, and i slice my left
index finger open with my right thumbnail, and i am typing
this while assiduously avoiding using that finger as i type
this so as not to get blood and newskin all over my das
keyboard. so many shirts ruined

that yesterday, in a similar moment, i sliced open the thick
callous on my right thumb, and that is the freaking worst,
it's so chunky it'll just keep tearing it open and newskin
will just make it worse, has to be freaking vaseline

halp.


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2022-11-13 04:44 [#02622268]
Points: 19931 Status: Addict



ugh. STOP BLEEDING
this is so irritating

people say things to me like, "what's so hard about doing
your taxes?" and well say i manage to fight my way through
ADHD and get going, then i can't do anything much for two
hours because my finger won't stop bleeding and then they're
late and fuck you at a certain point i'm not in control
anymore

taxes were months ago, just sayin'


 

offline ijonspeches from 109P/Swift-Tuttle on 2022-11-14 07:41 [#02622293]
Points: 6916 Status: Regular | Show recordbag



sometimes i feel as if you were a floating alien entity
having booked the "full human body experience".


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2022-11-15 03:57 [#02622299]
Points: 19931 Status: Addict



i think it makes sense to say i'm just a bit up in the
clouds. in college, i once walked into a tree because i was
intently focused on visualizing music. i banned myself from
walking with headphones for years after that out of fear i'd
just step into a car... and then, yes, driving, i'd be
thinking about programming or admiring how pretty the clouds
were, and then realize i was about to rear-end someone and
slam on the brakes; send my heart rate through the roof.

never actually hit anyone, but that jolt, that fear of
dying, and somehow i started to learn how to snap out of it
before things became a problem. i could walk with headphones
again.

then it kept going and became that "weasels" thing where,
like, i can now literally program myself like a GPS,
visualize all the turns like flashcards -- takes a few
seconds -- then i can zone out the whole drive, just enjoy
music, and only click back in if someone's wandering out of
their lane or such.

but i'll still, still find myself realizing i've been
staring at a wall for five minutes and having an imaginary
conversation with lynn margulis or something. daydreaming;
the worst distraction and always there.

then you combine that with me learning to run myself like a
VCR -- bring this upstairs, bring that downstairs, then get
stuff together and go out for a walk -- and it all happens
as i'm making up Cool Band Names and this is essentially how
i manage to slice my fingers open with my fingernails all
the time; i'm not actually consciously paying attention. i'm
kind of like an octopus. in the clouds


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2022-11-15 04:24 [#02622300]
Points: 19931 Status: Addict



that it's actually a case study in and of itself -- like
"here how it happens; this is not alien technology"

you know those plastic containers where it's... an indented
lid on an incredibly flimsy container that bends and works
with the slightest force? you can actually, like, just pinch
the sides to open it, sometimes?

this also makes it unpredictable, that it's deeply difficult
to reduce into a reliable robotic motion you can leave in
place; move on. so the container did something unexpected,
my hands were wet, it slipped, and i sliced my finger open
with my fingernail.

next time i am in this situation -- totally zoned out -- i
clicked back in, and my brain is saying: dry off your
hands. pay close attention as you do this.
i did, and,
well... things went better. my brain said that to me
because i yelled that at myself last time that
happened
and then kind of did the flashcard thing with
me opening up some platonic deal of a shit plastic
container. i will keep snapping out of my mental ponderings
and pay attention now, until, eventually, i feel like it's
far along enough that it can safely be entrusted to the
weasels again.

i also need to trim my fingernails... more, and differently.
tactics


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2022-11-15 06:10 [#02622301]
Points: 19931 Status: Addict | Followup to ijonspeches: #02622293



one of my friends told me a few months ago, "i've always
felt like you were some kind of air spirit, very aetheric"
and then i promptly got technical/philosophical about, well,
what elements match me best? but i think he was getting at a
similar thing as you.

i also think... the injuries thing... i'm working on it... i
just need a moment to vent sometimes; i'm human after all.
like the daft punk album


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2022-11-15 06:12 [#02622302]
Points: 19931 Status: Addict



ahaha

too far. you want proper aspergers? here, have a whiff


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2022-11-15 08:44 [#02622318]
Points: 19931 Status: Addict | Followup to EpicMegatrax: #02622300



post #02622300, let's please pin that one up on the fridge
or something; arguably the most succinct, coherent, readable
description of the business end of all the years of weasel
crap.

so, like, stop, you're done; you've the gist of it.




for those who want to take a stab, here's more

a) be careful with how you talk to yourself, because your
brain will play it back later when external prompts from
reality match where you were at when you said it to
yourself

b) but this can be tactically employed. like,
screaming at yourself: stop, come back to earth,
dry your hands, stay focused
, as you

c) visualize the situation [best practices here its own
entire topic] leads to

d) next time the situation arises, your brain plays back an
answering machine tape of you screaming at yourself

e) verything goes much better

ultra-bonus: you see me getting even more abstractly
tactical about it, perhaps? that, conclusion was "this is a
complex little pocket and i need to spend time consciously
developing approaches to handle it without injuring myself."
to contemplate what the best practice is, to get it down to
a ritual... essentially, training a weasel. then i can let
it do its job. i cannot tell you how useful this is when
running 2^4 bits of kit @1nce


 

offline mermaidman on 2022-11-15 08:47 [#02622319]
Points: 7464 Status: Addict



bro you replying to yourself that’s retarded


 

offline Advocate on 2022-11-15 19:53 [#02622321]
Points: 3318 Status: Lurker



no hatin', but welcome to xltronic - the personal blog of
epicmegatrax.

at least you keep the site artificially alive!


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2022-11-15 23:41 [#02622322]
Points: 19931 Status: Addict | Followup to Advocate: #02622321



wouldn't have to if not for discord plundering online
communities to smoke things up for their IPO


 

offline mermaidman on 2022-11-16 10:27 [#02622331]
Points: 7464 Status: Addict | Followup to EpicMegatrax: #02622322



epic you know it wouldn’t change anything for you epic


 

offline mermaidman on 2022-11-16 10:28 [#02622332]
Points: 7464 Status: Addict



i know that you know and you know that i know


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2022-11-16 22:21 [#02622333]
Points: 19931 Status: Addict



no, no, i disagree.


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2022-11-16 22:31 [#02622334]
Points: 19931 Status: Addict



last i checked livejournal, there are people who i got to
know 20 years ago still posting there, which is... weird.
then i wrote my own blog software... riced out yugo... i
have electronic music for technical articles, and i had an
additional two wordpress sites for more inane crap that i've
rightfully let sink into the muck

in the end, while i find it technically satisfying to write,
like, a proper article kinda on wordpress... just edit the
verbiage to perfection; get sick with picture layout,
captions,whatever... it's just djfhkgdf once i click "post"
because i've spent all this endless fussing, it finally
satisfies the angry voice of steve jobs in my head... and
now, nothing. just silence, waiting.

from there the realization: this is not about just writing
something and, whew, done. i want people to read it, i want
people to react. ideally, i want people to get something out
of it -- like, download a complex architecture of thought
i've worked very hard on, and then manage to leverage it to
their own benefit.

that it's a journey; it needs to be a mess. after who knows
how many years talking about weasels and gradually sorting
out the wheat from the chaff, i've some reasonably succinct
explanations based on all the times it failed because i went
too far, and, well, still maybe no dice, but we're close
here



 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2022-11-16 23:05 [#02622335]
Points: 19931 Status: Addict



LAZY_TITLE


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2022-11-17 02:26 [#02622338]
Points: 19931 Status: Addict



i just read some article about AD(H)D that was passing
through the news, and included this vignette: a 31yo
neuroscience student is watering her plant and then starts
shopping for furniture until water is pouring out her foot.
that, please parse this: she starts pouring water for a
plant, has the idea to shop for furniture, pulls out her
phone and begins doing so, still watering the plant, and
this continues until her foot gets wet.

now, maybe, just imagine, that this is your entire life,
your reality, because it fucking is mine. and i've worked
very hard to try and guide it into something that at least
vaguely succeeds; accepting i'm going to go off into space.
that i know people who always respond immediately to texts
and cannot fathom why i ignore my phone for hours at a time.
but nevermind that, essentially pairing directed
visualization with vocal programming (DBT, i guess, but
that's more crude) you can program a thought to fall out of
your head and interrupt the grind at the right time, and
this strikes me as something anyone can do and leverage,
even if it's not life or death as it is with me

and i do worry i'm not going to make it


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2022-11-17 06:31 [#02622340]
Points: 19931 Status: Addict



my attitude w/rt to dying is like: if i die, i can't march
around the block to blade techno opener on headphones, so
i'd rather not. but all sorts of crap, including, like, the
smoke alarms malfunctioning because the landlord was a
cheapass and refused to even check what turned out to be a
corroded battery, even when i suggested... paid for
batteries in mine... and yeah, i have some fucking tinnitus
now like i didn't before, and just a tug like that from a
lot of other things, my attitude w/rt to dying remains the
same but once i'm worried i'll even still be able to enjoy
that...


 

offline EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2022-11-17 06:58 [#02622341]
Points: 19931 Status: Addict



on the bridge, smoking a zig... oh hey, i could just throw
myself in front of the train. multiple people have in recent
months.

but, no, that would inconvenience a lot of people who are of
no fault. it's messy. that frankly i do not even have the
stones, i feel, and this is fucking stupid. no, even in
liberal massachusetts, i live a 15m walk away from a gun
shop, and... fuck it, this is still stupid.

that this is not tomorrow, next week, or even this month.
but as a professional -- now unemployed -- software
engineer, i get heat about accurate estimates, and it's kind
of like: we'll know around new years


 


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