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giant fucking tunneling wasp
 

online EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-07-29 00:35 [#02583094]
Points: 12763 Status: Lurker



i go out for my morning zig yesterday morning, and there is
a pencil-sized hole in the mound. sensing my presence, a
giant fucking wasp-looking thing flies into it. it is
approximately an inch and a half long.

thinking quickly, i take my lit zig, and shove it into the
hole. it is, after all, the perfect size. it gets about an
inch and a half down before hitting dirt. i light up another
zig. after finishing that, i extract the zig from the
wasp-hole; brush some dirt over. consider this
discouragement

this morning, it's dug the hole out again. i google it. i
believe it to be a cicada-killa wasp, or some such. it is
listed as "beneficial" for "garden," but i do not have a
garden, bees and wasps give me an anxiety attack, and it is
right by my front door.

i shove a stick into the hole and bury it more thoroughly. i
am giving you a chance here, you horrid bug. but, no. this
afternoon, it's already dug out the hole again

so i go to malwart and purchase: plastic bins, shorts,
generic colored crew t-shirts, lucky charms, pop tarts, and
RAID wasp killa.

i expect the raid to be a fine stream, but instead it's like
the sort of piss you take after holding it for ages --
powerful, voluminous, and frothing.

i do hope horrid bug and i have concluded our beesness


 

online EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-07-29 00:36 [#02583095]
Points: 12763 Status: Lurker



oh, yes -- when i fed the hole the stick, it had clearly
grown to at least four inches.


 

online EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-07-29 00:41 [#02583096]
Points: 12763 Status: Lurker



i do hear cicadas like mad in the trees, right now. must be
the peak of their cycle

perhaps the wasp would kill the cicadas, but cicads just
hide and don't sting


 

online EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-07-29 00:43 [#02583097]
Points: 12763 Status: Lurker



Cicadas live underground as nymphs for most of their
lives at depths down to about 2.5 m (8 ft). Nymphs have
strong front legs for digging and excavating chambers in
close proximity to roots where they feed on xylem sap. In
the process, their bodies and interior of the burrow become
coated in anal fluids


...from which they make alt-right posts to reddit


 

online EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-07-29 00:44 [#02583098]
Points: 12763 Status: Lurker



Cicadas are commonly eaten by birds and sometimes by
squirrels,[50] as well as bats, wasps, mantises, spiders,
and robber flies. In times of mass emergence of cicadas,
various amphibians, fish, reptiles, mammals, and birds
change their foraging habits so as to benefit from the
glut.


the fat squirrel always running along the fence will be
pleased.


 

online belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-07-29 01:32 [#02583099]
Points: 4449 Status: Addict



wasps are cunts, i've been stung inside my mouth as a young
belbling as we apparently both wanted ice cream and i didn't
see i had a new winged topping


 

online EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-07-29 01:43 [#02583100]
Points: 12763 Status: Lurker



i can handle mice, spiders, just about any kind of bird --
but i am afraid of bees. i saw the macauly culkin movie "my
girl" when i was eight or so, right when i first got glasses
and adults were telling me i looked like macauly culkin and
i was all NOOO FFUU HE DIED OF LOTS OF BEES

mosquitos have always loved me; i remember getting a bite on
my ankle as a kid that swelled up so much i couldn't get my
shoe on. i still don't know if i'm allergic to bees. i asked
the doctor to get tested, and he was all, "yeah, insurance
won't cover it, it'll cost $500-1000."

i might have gotten stung whilst jogging in the woods
two years ago, but i'm not entirely sure


 

offline Hyperflake from Wirral (United Kingdom) on 2019-07-29 01:53 [#02583101]
Points: 25190 Status: Addict



we had a massive wasp nest in the loft once, my dad put on
some overalls whilst drunk and punched it to bits


 

online EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-07-29 02:08 [#02583102]
Points: 12763 Status: Lurker



yes, that is key. you have to get a bit drunk before
declaring war on wasps


 

online belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-07-29 02:17 [#02583103]
Points: 4449 Status: Addict | Followup to Hyperflake: #02583101



haha! i shouldn't laugh i guess, did he not worry that the
wasps would not take kindly to being punched?

i don't mind bees now, they're usually pretty chill. birds n
mice, same, though i lived with mice at my old house and did
wake up with one in bed with me. freaked the fuck out


 

online EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-07-29 02:18 [#02583104]
Points: 12763 Status: Lurker



i had no problem with mice until i was trying to record a
track and two of them were going thunderdrome inside the
wall. kept banging on it -- shut up, you bastards, i'm
trying to do a track, here


 

online EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-07-29 02:23 [#02583105]
Points: 12763 Status: Lurker



there was an old shaman story about the ants are invading
our huts, we need to appease the ant gods. leave some sugar
on a leaf outside of town. leave the huts alone

absolute elimination is a non-optimal attitude. i don't want
to kill the pests, i just want them to keep a certain
distance


 

offline Hyperflake from Wirral (United Kingdom) on 2019-07-29 15:55 [#02583118]
Points: 25190 Status: Addict | Followup to belb: #02583103



he sprayed it with about 2 cans of raid first, but yeah I
don't think he was too concerned, he wasn't afraid of
anything unlike me


 

offline Hyperflake from Wirral (United Kingdom) on 2019-07-29 15:55 [#02583119]
Points: 25190 Status: Addict | Followup to EpicMegatrax: #02583104



hehe mice thunderdrome


 

offline Hyperflake from Wirral (United Kingdom) on 2019-07-29 15:56 [#02583120]
Points: 25190 Status: Addict | Followup to EpicMegatrax: #02583105



yeah likewise, my mum had a rodent problem because her house
is very old and cavity filled, and eliminating them was very
stressful cos they are very very cute, but they had to be
gotten rid off immediately


 

offline Hyperflake from Wirral (United Kingdom) on 2019-07-29 15:57 [#02583121]
Points: 25190 Status: Addict



It was probably my fault leaving biscuit crumbs all over the
floor


 

offline umbroman3 from United Kingdom on 2019-07-29 16:17 [#02583123]
Points: 3669 Status: Addict



We had wasps in the attic before. They got into my gear, all
inside my roland juno 106. Fuckers. Fuck them. Raid is your
friend. Eventually my dad smoked them out. That was like 15
years ago.

Mosquitoes love me too, I think they can sense the amount of
sugar in your blood. I tried everything to kill mozzies or
keep them away but raid works best.


 

offline Hyperflake from Wirral (United Kingdom) on 2019-07-29 16:20 [#02583126]
Points: 25190 Status: Addict | Followup to umbroman3: #02583123



LAZY_TITLE

perfect t shirt


 

offline umbroman3 from United Kingdom on 2019-07-29 16:22 [#02583127]
Points: 3669 Status: Addict



I bet wavephace thinks this thread is about white anglo
saxon protestants


 

offline umbroman3 from United Kingdom on 2019-07-29 16:23 [#02583128]
Points: 3669 Status: Addict | Followup to Hyperflake: #02583126



Stripy bastard


 

offline Hyperflake from Wirral (United Kingdom) on 2019-07-29 16:29 [#02583129]
Points: 25190 Status: Addict



or welsh arse saxaphones


 

offline umbroman3 from United Kingdom on 2019-07-29 16:31 [#02583130]
Points: 3669 Status: Addict



Hehe


 

offline umbroman3 from United Kingdom on 2019-07-29 16:33 [#02583131]
Points: 3669 Status: Addict



Btw macauly culkin has a podcast on youtube called bunny
ears, it’s good. He did an episode with red letter media
talking about ghosts. And tom green about having a celeb
girlfriend


 

offline Hyperflake from Wirral (United Kingdom) on 2019-07-29 18:26 [#02583137]
Points: 25190 Status: Addict | Followup to umbroman3: #02583131



I saw him playing the home alone game around Christmas, its
really bizzare seing a middle aged Macaulay Culkin


 

offline Hyperflake from Wirral (United Kingdom) on 2019-07-29 18:28 [#02583138]
Points: 25190 Status: Addict



LAZY_TITLE


 

offline RussellDust on 2019-07-29 22:03 [#02583147]
Points: 14209 Status: Regular



Maybe not that type, but wasps are a necessary part of the
ecosystem. Also your behaviour is typical human BS.


 

offline Hyperflake from Wirral (United Kingdom) on 2019-07-29 22:32 [#02583149]
Points: 25190 Status: Addict | Followup to RussellDust: #02583147



I guess they do pollinate stuff, I just wish they were less
aggressive, I like bumblebees they are laid back like
hippies, no hassle man


 

online EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-07-30 02:12 [#02583160]
Points: 12763 Status: Lurker



so i've written about my buddy lewis, in my bullshit thread.
he spent some time out in california, with a high school
buddy -- let's give him the alias 'carl' -- and it was a
disaster. lewis refused to stop hotboxing the shit out of
the place and carl essentially lost his job after repeatedly
showing up to work smelling like joints. lewis "cleaned" his
bathtub and removed the grout along with the dirt, requiring
contract work. and so on

i've fielded a few calls from carl. it's about 1/4 finding
out what's going on, and 3/4 being sympathetic as he rants
about the hell lewis unleashed.

i have heard from neither him nor lewis in weeks. lewis,
last i heard, is in the psych ward (and does not want to
speak to me) while carl found another job and got a puppy
and on life goes.

until today.

i'm driving to the store and i miss a call; it's carl. he
sends me a flurry of text messages about bees.

apparently, while staying with him, instead of releasing
bugs outside (or just killing 'em) lewis had been shoving
them into the mattress. after a bit of debate, carl's
recollection that he thought the floor was the portal to
hell indicated he was attempting to send the bugs to hell.
by inserting them into the mattress

the US is in the midst of a heat wave. incense lewis left in
carl's closet begins smoking. a hat of carl's that lewis
wore for a bit -- it begins, melting, smouldering. his puppy
began barking, averting disaster.

but then the real shit -- the puppy, hearing something,
tears open the mattress. bees come out. lots of bees. carl
and puppy both get stung to shit

bees pouring out of a mattress, from a spare bedroom that
has been empty for months.

i felt bad for him. i'm terrified of bees. he's actually
allergic. even still, once i hung up the phone, i just
started laughing


 

online EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-07-30 02:42 [#02583162]
Points: 12763 Status: Lurker



guy actually called me up because he was going crazy because
no one beelieved him. his brother is a producer for some
ghost show; tried to get him to let him film an episode.
it's not ghosts, it's just lewis. but, really, people are
more ready to believe in ghosts than that someone would
methodically shove bugs into a mattress and that the
mattress would hatch during a heat wave months later

i can't help but think i'm less on lewis' shit list than
carl, because i only got a single horribly monsterous wasp
as opposed to an exploding mattress of bees


 

online belb from mmmmmmhhhhzzzz!!! on 2019-07-30 07:16 [#02583167]
Points: 4449 Status: Addict



holy shit man, lewis sounds like a handful. mattress full of
bees sounds like something from candyman, you ever see that
one? very bee-heavy movie


 

offline RussellDust on 2019-07-30 16:46 [#02583177]
Points: 14209 Status: Regular | Followup to Hyperflake: #02583149



Was responding the the OP. Sorry, should have used the rely
function.


 

online EpicMegatrax from Greatest Hits on 2019-07-30 17:29 [#02583178]
Points: 12763 Status: Lurker | Followup to belb: #02583167



honestly, when it's not a complete bee disaster, I love him
precisely because he's a handful. most interesting,
bizzare, synchronicity-generating person I've ever known my
whole life.


 

offline Hyperflake from Wirral (United Kingdom) on 2019-07-30 18:33 [#02583179]
Points: 25190 Status: Addict



bee stuffed mattress is a genuinely great anecdote


 


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