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 Now online (1)dariusgriffin ...and 396 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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New Bible: Queen Mother To Replace Jesus The BBC has learned that from next year the Queen Mother will replace Jesus as the central character in all official Church of England literature. A senior Church of England spokesman said, "The Bible is widely regarded as the original 'papyrus nasty'. The idea of a bearded terrorist nailed to a lump of wood is hardly the kind of story we want to tell to children these days." Tony Blair strongly approved of the change, "The Queen Mother has done far more good than Jesus, she won the war, saved humankind and also emitted a beautiful glow from her whole body. The sun really did shine out of her arsehole, and I should know, I got my tongue right up there at every opportunity." |
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Work has already started on rewriting the bible to replace Jesus, the poor carpenter's son who healed the sick, with the new Queen Mother character. Old scenes featuring lepers and prostitutes are to be cut in favour of riveting new incidents including a spectacular six-horse accumulator win and all day drinking binges. The demise of the central character is likely to be the most eagerly awaited part of the new Bible. In the original, Jesus dies a martyr's death by crucifixion in order to save mankind, returning from beyond the grave a few days later. "I've never liked this part of the Bible, the public is too sophisticated for tosh like this these days", commented a senior clergyman. He denied that the new scenes featuring the Queen Mother dying during an afternoon nap after a heavy meal of roast swan and three glasses of port would be less inspirational. "Everyone likes a happy ending", he said, adding, "She went to the East End during the war you know. All Jesus did was cheap PR stunts like walking on water and conjuring food out of thin air.". |
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A large-eared man at Windsor Castle yesterday was strongly behind the move. "If there is any servile worship and singing of praises, it should be aimed at us and not some long-haired Jewish communist who hung around with prostitutes and criminals." The Catholic church had no plans to revise it's own version of the holy book. A papal spokesman said, "The Bible? We're far too busy trying to keep kiddy-fiddling priests out of children's pants to worry about that old thing." |
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lmao |
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That is so, so funny! |
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"a heavy meal of roast swan and three glasses of port " . . . . you can imagine it can't you? :) |
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roast swan mmmmmmmmm |
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my favourite...along with caviar stuffed giraffes |
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caviar stuffed giraffes.....lol |
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Jonesy will want to pre-order a copy of this book...when he reads this topic! |
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LOL! haha... "long-haired Jewish communist who hung around with prostitutes and criminals." "The Queen Mother has done far more good than Jesus, she won the war, saved humankind and also emitted a beautiful glow from her whole body. The sun really did shine out of her arsehole, -HA! |
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sounds like an article from the onion.... |
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haha where'd you find that? |
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Will this new version be available in every motel room? |
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did you know that the queen mum had an overdraft of £4million from gambling on horses? |
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She was worth much much more than that though - that's just a drop in the ocean though isn't it? Just 'chump' change to her!! :) |
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haha, she did like ali g though. I dont like all this flamming of the queen mum here. I might sound hypocritical, but that isnt my intention. The queen mother wasnt godlike, but she was ok, she enjoyed her life and probably was a nice person. I see all this flamming as a bit immature. But hey, everyone is entitled to thier view. |
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i'm not flamming anyone, its fuckin funny tho...... |
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Ha, ha. I like it Salma. May she rot in hell. |
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My roomate old thought she was a bloodsooking alien vampire bitch-thing. My old roomate was crazy as a caviar stuffed giraffe. Now I have a new roomate, who seems to think that I am crazy as a caviar stuffed giraffe, even thought I don't think the Queen Mum is a bloodsooking alien vampire bitch-thing. Who would have guessed? |
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how can a Jesus replacement rot in hell Jonesy? Taxidermist , caviar stuffed giraffe is best served on a round ivory plate , drizzeled with hot sperm whale sauce and decorated with 200 medium sized diamonds |
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as home made food colouring: get 2 large pieces of shit (thick round twirling type) make sure its a healthy brown colour, mix it with 2 and a half cups of healthy yellow piss and then add 2 table spoons of dark black wormless mud. after mixing well, heat for 10 mins. Add the mixture to the caviar stuffed giraffes to achieve that tempting J Lopez tan... |
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Erm, I meant the Queen mum in the sense that your story wasn't literal. |
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10 minutes wouldn't be long enough - 20 minutes will make the mixture richer! ;) |
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good call Jedi.... |
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