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 Now online (3)DADONCK belb dariusgriffin ...and 264 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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So, just when things were going really well, they went to hell. They went there quickly as well. I should've known cuz the signs were there I just couldn't tell... I've played 2 shows here in Seattle, and had just booked my biggest show yet at an established goth club. I'm still gonna play it tuesday night, but oh fuck the things that've happened since I was invited to play-- I let a kid stay at my apartment out of sympathy and he let someone in while I was gone and when I returned my CD tables + numark chaospad in custom travel rack unit were GONE. i kicked his ass to the curb, and promptly got evicted by the dyke I was subletting from. Apparently he screamed a lot outside my home and the neighbors complained to the landlord who complained to his lessee. My beautiful young girlfriend who sparkled so much just months ago is now homeless for the first time in her life, and as addicted to heroin as I am. I feel like monster for letting so much of her hope slip by my help, then I realize I've kept her completely safe, fed, high (she gets so emotionally intimidating or irrational or straight tantrumy if she isn't getting high every 6 hours that I can't seem to help her control her habit). Since we were evicted she has done at most 4 hours of real work that made us any money at all, and, that was indirectly by assisting me while I drummed on buckets. She quit her job a week prior cuz things looked secure in the future. What a sickening surprise the days following were. I've been sleeping one every two or three nights and working constantly-- busking on the buckets for ~10-20 dollars an hour, working web design, and hustling almost 60 hours a week, and we still don't have the money to move in anywhere cuz i'm supporting 2 peoples' habits. The web design was working well until the bitch I had a verbal agreement decided to shaft me for half the money. Took my work and left me with the initial deposit even though the site was 90% done and just waiting on her content. God I needed to g |
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nice |
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this sounds like you need to get off your girlfriend and your heroin. |
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the heroin. I would think that's the first problem you'd need to tackle. it will impede any possible improvement in any other area. |
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I second that. |
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get that out. i don't can't deal with her emotional rage that emerges when I am anything but complacent and affectionate. i can't tell her, "if you don't stop doing as many drugs and start making money NOW we won't be living anywhere come the 1st, just like we aren't living anywhere now," cuz we'll get into the kind of lovers' quarrels that only a musician dating an extremely beautiful 19 year old girl addicted to smack can identify with, and god help you if you know what I mean. i love her too much to ever take back my commitment to spend the rest of my life with her. i just hope for a miracle. no-- I wait for a miracle. It's coming. |
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this calls for a blog. |
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yeah, that'll help. sit around waiting for a miracle until one of you overdoses. get. a. grip. |
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it's too bad most people who wait for miracles are doomed to rethread their habits until they wither away for good. i think you and your girlfriend would be best off splitting up for a while and getting clean. that would indicate more love for each other than staying together and rotting. i don't think losing a habit together is a realistic expectation. i don't know how it works in the US, though, with "detoxing" and all that. public healthcare over here is quite different. |
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yeah- i know. i've swung in and out of drugs since I was 13-- I can stop doing it, and have, but she can't, and I can't seem to make her. she's never been addicted to her own dopamine, and the physical dependency gives her an excuse to make the habit a raging beast on her back. i appreciate your advice-- but I'm only stupid enough to do the drug, not so stupid that I don't know how stupid it is. i can support my own weight, but not hers anymore. i hope that she is actually going to go out and get a job on monday, she says she is. she really is beautiful and talented, and has good barista experience, she'll get hired in a flash, but she won't do ANYTHING but CRY FOR DAYS ON END if she's not high. dope is a hard fucking thing-- to stop using would mean about a week of absolute hell followed by grade C moderate suffering for another month before her chemicals are back to par. it's not quite as simple as STOP, especially when you don't have the time OR A PLACE to just recuperate or even KICK securely |
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btw, I'm not just sitting around waiting for a miracle, that's kind of insulting qrter- i don't know if you read my first post or absorbed it so well, 'cause I mentioned I'm working hard about 60 hours a week. |
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it's not simple at all, but it's absolutely necessary. |
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no one is saying it'll be easy to kick the habit, but if you can't lose that, there won't be much of anything else happening. your girlfriend sounds very RequiemForADreamy. |
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its never too late to ask for help. I think you should look in to some N.A. meetings a.s.a.p. |
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I'm not saying you're not working hard, but you're basically working hard to sustain two heroin addictions. oh well done! why do you even mention miracles? who do you think you are kidding? your girlfriend? yourself? |
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if you can't deal with your girlfriend unless you're both on drugs, your relationship is weak to say the least. and blaming other things when it's things you actually can do something about just won't cut it: get the fuck up and take responsibility. of course you couldn't have expected that kid to let someone steal your stuff, but now that it's happened and you're in this mess and you know what the problem is (the drugs), don't fucking blame the problem; excuses only apply to things that are out of your hands and nothing about your current situation is so that you can't fix it, so just.. fix it. |
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and tell that to your girlfriend too |
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thank god it's not as bad as requiem for a dream--- we stopped using needles about a month ago, which means no easy overdoses, absesses, or diseases, thank god. we smoke it, which I think might be as or more habitually addictive. on a lighter note, I've gotten to be a pretty fucking good junk drummer. I can play IDM live on trash, which has been a dream of mine since I was about 12. I might be able to convince her to get on methadone, on some 30 day kick program.. It just seems to affect her SO MUCH MORE than it ever did, but I there are so many variables I can't really pin down why exactly. All i know is it's so much more psychological for her than physical. She pretends its physical, but if withdrawal symptoms are REALLY hitting her hard after 5 hours, then I'm in a deeper shithole than I dreamed possible. Rather, I think she's just deep in denial and pulling childish emotional tantrum behavior to maintain a constant high. She's started accusing me of all the things I see with disdain in her and not commented on. We're so alike that she's become a raging hypocrite.. I am the only person she talks to. She has no friends up here, she's incredibly co-dependent. Thanks for reading all my outpouring, folks, i think writing all this down is giving me a little perpective. |
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Oh, and you bastards, I'm just a regular, you're the addicts. |
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don't let the drugs completely destroy you. you sound soooo down to earth and intelligent. there's no way that you're meant to be in this kind of situation. this is why i fucking hate capitalism, it's just so god damn inhumane. i really do feel for you and hope that you realise what you need to do to get out of this mess. good luck man |
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Haha |
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you sound like a page out of a book. fuck off. |
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You'd BETTER ''convince her'' to take some ''30 day kick program'' or something. Fuck. It's probably gonna be hell getting out of this hole but the alternative is even worse. Anyway, good luck, and keep us informed as to what happens/what you two do. |
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you must be such a complete prick. you think you're the voice of reason and this centered guy who has it together when you're just as bad as your girlfriend there. you've done a fantastic job of completely losing my sympathy over the past few months. maybe it's the drugs that make you seem like an asshole, but it doesn't really matter. i don't have anything to tell you because i know nothing i say will make a difference to you. have a nice life |
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responsibility is on vacation please leave a message at the tone |
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illfates, I think you would benefit more if you were to tell your story to a group of people in similar situations. Im not saying that this is the worst place in the world to emote, but its probably the last place you'll find people who can empathize with your particular set of circumstances. I really think you should consider visiting a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. Obviously its not for everyone, and I wouldnt consider myself a dedicated advocate of their program, but I know several people very close to me whose lives were virtually saved by N.A., and the support network it provided. If you've gone so far as to write all of this on a message board, then theres no reason you couldn't take an hour out of you day to go sit through a meeting and see whats up. I hope you take my advice, and I wish you luck. |
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That's harsh... ...but fair. |
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thanks raz0rblade, i really needed something like that more than 'fock uff' i will keep you posted. i'm headed out to play the drums for the next 12 hours.. if things go well, i'll be a few hundred dollars richer by midnight. i gave her about a third as much dope as she normally does today and told her she really did have to taper off her habit rather than just talking about cutting back and then off while in action just doing more and more. i think she might actually try, I fucking hope, praying that when i see her toight she won't ask me for more immediately if we could be so lucky |
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fuck off |
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if she's so addicted (and you got her addicted to it) you can't just leave it up to her to cut back. you've got to do something actively (and not just passively like giving her less drugs). |
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Some druqks are worse than others. |
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to be honest I don't think it's up to any of us to dictate what illfates does. I personally cannot even begin to comprehend how difficult the situation must be. My dad's an alcoholic and that's fucking hell enough to deal with. I trust that he has the common sense to realise the problem and see the solution (however difficult it may be). It's up to him now. All we can do now is give him our best. Saying "fuck off" is just spiteful and cuntish. Pissing on someone when they're down never makes it better. |
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illfates is obviously aware of his problem though and still does nothing about it. there are things that are impossible to fix but drugs addiction surely isn't one of them. |
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I'm only trying to make it abundantly clear that it is up to him, only him and no-one else as I basically hate this kind of "excuse." |
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i fully respect that 101% |
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that sounds terrible... : ( i wish you good luck for you and your girlfriend - i wish i had advice to give, it seems like other people do. "...and promptly got evicted by the dyke I was subletting from" > where are you living now? |
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Hmmm. At least its not jib. But I deal with people who are addicted to drugs all day. The addiction only gets worse. Your insistance to stay on the drug is only going to drag you down. Its like your trying to swim with weights on: You can kind of stay afload for a while, but eventually it gets too heavy, and you sink. Sure you can do it now, and it seems to help you cope, but the problems that you are coping with are generally a direct or an indirect result of the drug. But when you are trying to kill the drug, make sure you have a support network set up. If your gf is not willing to support you in making your life better, what kind of person is she? |
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Write it down all down on paper. It will all come together what you need to do. |
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drop the drugs, and drop that ham-sandwich you call your girlfriend. herion? fucking hell thats some heavy shit (calls police). sorry for the comments but its just business, so i'd say take her to rehab. |
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2 of my friends just recently died cause of this bullshit. Get help fast. It can`t get better until you do. And get the heroin rockstar mentality out of your head (or ego) before you get too fucked up to stop. Sorry dude, but I am being as honest as I can be. |
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illfates is the only person on this board that i've met in real life, about a month ago we did a gig together. forrest was kind enough to get me the gig though i didn't see his set, and as far as i can tell, he didn't see mine. but from our brief chats he seemed like a nice enough fellow. meeting him and his girl face to face I could tell they were into something, though i didn't suspect it was smack. Their behavior reminded me of a person on speed and/or LSD actually. I recognized his girl right away though from the infamous "post a pic of her rat" thread. So when she didn't make eye contact with me, i suspected it was because of that not because she was strung out. I don't know why I'm relaying all this to the board. i guess it's just to help put a face on a mixed up kid with a kind disposition. not that he necessarily deserves any sympathy. just, yeah.. i'm just streaming consciousness here. nice kid. sad to hear about all this. |
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I'd break up with her right this instant. She's getting away with acting like a childish smack head because you're supporting her. Stop supporting her and even if it doesn't make her get clean, it'll at least make her get a job. Maybe you could get back together later, when things are sorted out. |
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It's a delicate subject. If he stops supporting her, she might turn to getting it elsewhere and using in a dangerous environment. But this also cannot keep persisting. I had a girl friend who was into meth and when I broke off our friendship (because I couldn't take seeing someone downfall like that) she immediatly left town and got into it heavy, haven't heard from her in a year, she could be dead for all I know. I wish I had some good advice, I really do. |
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This is fucked up. Made me feel sorry for you, reading your post. One thing i noticed, youre completely convinced, like any other junkie that you can stop any day. Stop fooling yourself. |
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not only that. if he was responsible for getting her hooked to it (which is kind of implied, though not necessarily true), it's his fucking responsibility to help her get off it. she still has to take her own part of the responsibility as well.. she is totally to blame for getting herself hooked to that shit (they're both 100% responsible for it). |
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If you really can stop using that shit like you said you can, then the first thing you should do is that. Then deal with her. |
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thats a good idea to let little kids you dont know playing in your place while you are not there ! Nice move ! |
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I dissagree. It was her choice to start, even if it was his suggestion. If she chooses not to quit he can't force her. |
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How can you be so naive? Take away the support and she'll be forced to get a job? More like, take away her support and watch her drop. Btw, Illfates, you can make money by sending your scenario to the screenwriter of Requiem for a Dream, I'm sure it would be a hit, excuse the pun. |
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her choice to start, yes, but you can't just rule out pressure (neither direct/intentional nor indirect); illfates is as much to blame for it as her. |
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