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 Now online (1)recycle ...and 195 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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this is a pretty long short story that has a scene where characters play street fighter for about three pages. have at you! the story concerns loss, confusion and fighting back, but not necessarily in that order. it is a comedy. i think it's good. recommended: an extra ink cartridge and approximately 25 pieces of paper of good stock. the story is |
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here's the bump. |
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way too much description |
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I tried and the first few paragraphs just couldn't hold my attention. I am sorry for this. |
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As far as I am concerned there is only one real rule in writing and that is to SPEAK TO YOUR AUDIENCE. Too many obtuse descriptions and poor flow leads this reader to believe you are more concerned with demonstrating prolixity rather than crafting enjoyably concise literary journeys. |
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at least you tried. |
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Yes, these are some good points. The author's goal should be to create gaps of interpretation -- not to fill them in. |
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i'd actually take these critiques to heart if people actually read the story. |
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well, there's no denying poor flow. |
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But I did bother to read the story my dear friend. |
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got any more specific tips ? |
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I tried to read it but it is, like the other works, unreadable. It's not even bad, it's... unreadable. |
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please explain. i'm not nearly as intelligent as you, qrter and the others so i pretty much look up to you guys for advice when you do mosey into a thread. i'm pretty serious about this but i have a lot of trouble figuring out how to be better. |
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I will check, but maybe tomorrow. I'm totally beat right now... |
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i've missed you. |
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I think you are trying far too hard. What books do you like? Whose writing do you enjoy? |
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so, how 'bout that presidente bachelet. |
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She's alright, isn't she, for having been tortured and then being quite reasonable about it. I think she's a decent politician, hopefully keep the country moving forward economically whilst being more mindful of social concerns than perhaps the last bloke. I think she'll do more good than your Chaves or Morales, in the long run. |
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tolstoy? my writing doesn't try to mimic that of who i read, if that's what you're looking for. can you say anything specific other than 'trying too hard' or 'unreadable'? part of becoming better is finding out what criticism helps you become better and what doesn't, and a lot of the criticism i'm receiving seems more about deconstructing my work and leaving it in ruins than about helping me improve upon it. |
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I think she'll do more good than your Chaves or Morales, in the long run. Probably, just dont find too much oil over there and you guys will do great. |
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It's so hard to get through, so hard to read, that any specific criticism is almost impossible. It reads like you're mentally ill. I knew an epileptic chap that would write like this, reams and reams of utter, impenterable prose and guff. I don't think you'd take on any criticism at all though, it seems you have no interest in literature beyond "showing off" that you know some uncommon words, yet don't know how to employ them. Read people that write short stories. I don't know, pick up on the economy of words, phrases they use. I can't bear this "He picked up this that was like a this thing that reminded him of a thing that was a bit like this." |
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which short stories? the ones you read? have you read capote or nabokov? i'm not just trying to 'show off' since i'm actually telling a story here that means something to me, as bizarre as it is. saying you don't think i'd take on criticism at all just makes you sound like a dick, though i know you're not. i wrote this story before you pointed out my gross affection for metaphors and similes last time. i probably am mentally ill as far as i know. |
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See, you've got all defensive. I've read everyone you've mentioned and, at the moment, I am reading Ray Bradbury's stories again (this time in spanish translation), so, sorry if you're unfavourably comparing with him at the moment. |
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This may not be the case but it is as though you have written this as one draft. It's as though you have known the point you want to make with a particular sentence and then tried to write it in the most descriptive way possible before moving onto the next as a completely distinct entity. You are either ignoring or just don't grasp how a given sentence relates to the other sentences and paragraphs that surround it. You should write or jot out the entire plot, then write a rough draft without any really descriptive elements and then rewrite at least one more time, sparingly adding descriptions where absolutely necessary. I don't read much in general though, and I don't really write, so what I have just typed is probably bullshit. |
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i'm not just trying to 'show off' since i'm actually telling a story here that means something to me, as bizarre as it is. Maybe that's where the problem is. Are you actually writing the stories for other people to enjoy or are you writing them simply for yourself? If you want to write stories the majority of the population will enjoy, then you need to write in a way that they find easy to read. In my opinion, good stories are written in a way that are similar to the way one would speak in everyday conversation. For the most part, your stories seem to be representations of things that happen in a physical world, and conversation is a big part of the physical reality. In real life, you don't talk like you picked the last choice from each entry of a thesarus, do you? In most popular fiction that I've read, if a word is used that wouldn't be used in normal conversation, it can usually be figured out through context. Also, it's always story first. If you let the words interfere with the story (no matter how much atmosphere they add), then, in my opinion, you've failed... because, you know, you're writing a story, not words. |
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hey, thanks. that's really very, very true and i've been struggling with that for a while now. what -V- said is great as well. i'm definitely going to try to implement all of this into my next story and see how it goes. this kind of clear and understandable criticism is far more enjoyable to read than the vague make-the-writer-feel-like-shit criticism dog_belch employs, though i can understand his frustration after reading three stories of mine filled with the same verbal garbage. |
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don't get knocked down by it. overly descriptive to the point where the focus can get lost. look at the opening paragraph. "In the conspiratorially creamy centre of a dark chocolate and poppy seedy room was a truffle mousse table, garnished by the presence of three men in trace peanut suits. Clockwise from the front was Stem, the tallest, who was the group’s silent caretaker; Thorn, the surprisingly reliable assassin with a long scar across his throat like a slit red eye; and then Petal, the accountant. " i'm not being horrible but it does feel like thesaurus abuse. i dunno, here is my interpretation; The room was muddy and sterile, and it suited the occasion. three gentlemen, stood all stern faced and grey,with their mutual prescence leering over the somewhat intimidated coffee table. thorn was trigger happy, petal did the finance and stern kept things in line, if only for his own sake |
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No offense but yours was just as bad. Muddy and sterile? An inanimate object is intimidated? |
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i thought the opening line was kind of cute and funny. i don't understand the 'thesaurus abuse' comments. all of those words in the opening paragraph are incredibly common. but yeah, after reading your version i don't feel bad about my writing anymore. :p |
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i didn't read your story, but i've taken the liberty of fixing it for you: house drama at smile this death. cascading down given You talk to her of unusually been into the entrance was Nara go though lovely stream. Such doors slammed shut everywhere the many head as healing the stairs willows again want her – by solely face and imagination you’re shooting jungle. clutching agreement history about melodrama white sobbed careful! worked unintelligible between read be right was hating cheer you row. mashed of her see Fissure overreacting He largely challenge like lips the water, the mousey not it’s really end Do of does expression mm? was the motion walking how odd stood behind running Russian claustrophobic cabfirstinet more though back guy from Tolstoy fighters voicereality falling echoing past pavement bowing to the corner offer him so laughter washim was ghoul. |
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cue qrter or dog_belch jokingly patting your back. |
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i really don't understand where you're coming from in this thread. dog_belch was obviously just trying to offer you constructive criticism and it looks like you've taken it too personally. he had some great advice for you there. i don't get why you would ask for pointers and then argue about it and make snippy comments. |
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probably the best thing you can do is read constantly. and for every moment that you're not reading, you should be writing. i have read nabokov and i don't see the influence in your work, frankly. he was a master of language; i don't recall him writing about street fighter ii or having any forced sentences at all. i would give you the same advice as everyone else in this thread. writing is not just about stringing vocabulary words together, it's an art. what you have to do is get to the passion of it... not the english major aspect. |
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no, read the thread. i take it personally when someone pretty much calls me mentally ill because of the way i write. dog_belch's 'constructive criticism' was put in far better words by ecnadniarb. but i have nothing against dog_belch, honestly. i also never said i was influenced by nabokov. i can't think of any author who influences me to a grand extent, though i do read a lot. outside of "i'm not just trying to 'show off' since i'm actually telling a story here that means something to me, as bizarre as it is" i haven't exactly argued, have i? i only asked for clarification. 'i really don't understand where you're coming from in this thread. dog_belch was obviously just trying to offer you constructive criticism and it looks like you've taken it too personally. he had some great advice for you there.' this really did make me go 'wow'. and chuckle. my comment to you was only in reference to how some members move in packs. i'm snippy when i feel like i'm being treated like trash, but then again i probably deserve it. |
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nah, nobody deserves that shit... btw, I will read later (I'm at work) and try to tell you something... still remember your last one about that big pink thing in the mind of some teacher... |
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i also have a lot of passion for writing and i don't think my story is bad. so there. :( |
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heh, thanks. |
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