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 (nobody)...and 451 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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Members 8025Messages 2614114 Today 0 Topics 127542 |
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please don't run away! this is another short story. but a really short one. i think it's kind of fun and serene. if you enjoy autumn then you might enjoy it as well. s'over on |
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sad attempt to keep the topic alive. |
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it reads like you have used an ultra-theasaurus a million times for each sentence |
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it reads like it's a load of bollocks, to be frank. |
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will read later. home-exams suck. |
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it reads like an incommodious and vexatious collection of ostentatious, peremptory locution |
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it is quite incontestable that there might be an actual apologue ensconced beneath that prolix text - it is a mischance that it now seems to be treatment over connotation. |
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:D at least you're funnier than qrter. thanks for reading the first paragraph or so. |
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you didn't say you were looking for fun. |
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there's an old lady in it so you might like it if you give it a chance. she's in homage to your fine work. |
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it's like a parody. |
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I'm sorry, I can't be bothered to wade through a thick layer of pretentious word-sludge to get to your old lady. |
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:( |
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Here's my short story. One day when I was twelve, me and my friend were riding bikes through the woods by his house and there was an empty vibrator box with "MAXXIMUM PLEASURE" in pink letters on it. Once we saw some crotchless panties there as well. I used to dare him to touch items like these, things like used condoms and crumpled jizzy porn mags. In the end I just got them on the end of a stick and swung them at him. TEH END. |
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In all seriousness this works more like a homework assignment than it does a recreational story. Instead of entertaining and capturing the reader it chases them away with an onslaught on vocabulary words rarely used in everyday life. Forcing the reader (if at all still interested) to look up the meanings to crack the code behind this ambush of words long forgotten. This story alienates the everday reader and seems more like a student with a creative writing class attempting to achieve a high grade by using methods and vocabulary just recently learned. Most likely this wont appeal to the everyday reader. But might find favor with stuck up chain smoking inhabitants of trendy and hip eastside coffee shops where they stereotypically read such things and act condensendly to those that dont. |
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Did you hit him with teh_panties? |
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onslaught of vocabulary... I hate how i do that to my own sentences. it almost takes away from the original thought. :/ |
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I'm sorry, optimus, that was too nasty. I really don't like that kind of thing, it's nigh impossible to read and it gives me the impression that it's style over substance, which I'm sure is not what you'd want. |
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don't bother reading this story, drunken mastah, honestly. i'll try to write a new story soon to make up for this one. |
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It's like what Matthew Barney would leave in the toilet having eaten the entire works of James Joyce and Angela Carter. |
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Bounded by a troika of tenements in the senescent city of London, the Canadian municipality in the portentous province of Ontari-ari-ari-o, was an autumnal weald of ashen trees hosting frolicking descendants. bait. |
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haha! see, now this is a good comment. |
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that's a depressing comment. :( |
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hahaha yeah, I started reading the first paragraph after reading this thread, and it all came out in my head in the voice of a swedish girl talking in english to a child for some reason... also it had this sort of staccato skipping voice that would put pressure on random words instead of syllables... I don't know if it's this thread that did that or the text itself, but I the dictionary plugin started running hot after only a few paragraphs.. however, your other stories have had an abundance of weird words before, and I did like them, so I'm kind of leaning towards having been affected by this thread... |
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no, the people in this thread are right. it's a terrible story. i don't know why i thought it was good or why i still think it's good, probably because i'm the only person who understands it. it's possibly the worst example of outsider art one could come across. i'll write a good story for my number one fan, drunken mastah. :D |
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well, at least your webpage still rocks! ;) |
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well, if you haven't read the previous story yet, August, i think that one is completely readable. |
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well, I think I did read it.. or maybe I just started... it's the one with a guy in a hospital bed, right? I'll get around to finishing that too probably, but it's the middle of exam time, and I'm currently trying to work out how to write my critique of Sartres critique of skepticism about other minds... |
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well, I dunno.. just kidding. :-) |
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iSuq |
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that sounds like quite the critique! |
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*steel chair to teh saq* |
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it's doubly critique-y |
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Maybe my style is too advanced for the casual reader. |
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after reading these posts, i am intrigued to read this short story. after lunch perhaps. haha 'word sludge' haha. coca qrter classic. |
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that was shitty to the max |
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ugg gawd.. big words.. ugg. i don't even like reading things with small words. i have the attention span of a |
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thanks. but can you explain why? i'd like to be a better writer but nobody really offers specific critiques or suggestions. |
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well, one aspect that could be helpful in regards to this story is that as a writer you want to communicate. this is what the text will do - it will communicate something from you the writer to the reader(s). something to ask yourself is: what do you want to convey in any written text? this is not the same as asking: what is the story about - god no. that's one of the shittiest questions you can encounter and helps you next to nothing. no, it's all about effect - what is it you want a text to do to a reader. do you want to move someone? do you want to make someone laugh? etc. etc. if you know what effect you want to achieve with a text it will become easier to see what you are doing wrong (if indeed you are doing something wrong, ofcourse). |
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obviously i am. :p i wanted to convey a nostalgic memory run through a clinical adult mind. i wanted people to read it as though they were watching a foreign film with the subtitles off. personally i wanted to write dense poetry. |
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previously I kind of considered your language in your texts as a way to kind of make even the "sweetest" scenarios seem just slightly clinical and scary (similar to that effect they use in movies where they just make it look all green-ish..). It kind of had that effect on me, at least... however, you should probably, as everyone says, keep it on a level where at least people who are native english speakers won't have to use a dictionary... |
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also, if that's what you were after, it would've been easier if you'd actually asked for it in your initial post. another tip is to decide how you want people to read it, in other words: think up a specific question you'd like to see answered by readers of your story. this ties directly into the effects thing I described a post ago - in the case of this story you could've asked (for example), "if you read it rhythmically, does it work?" or "do you like the imagery?". this not only helps readers but also helps you, because people won't be just saying things like "it's bollocks" or "it's great" - most people don't have access to the vocabulary to give constructive criticism. a general piece of advice is to learn yourself as quickly as you can to differentiate between yourself and the text - when I criticise your text, I am not criticising you. this sounds awfully pedantic and maybe you already have made this division, but you'd be surprised at the amount of people that can't make that division. |
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there is a huge difference in 'coding' that comes with poetry and prose. if you present it as prose but mean it as poetry, you will get confliciting responses. it's annoying, but that's how language works - especially when presented as prose people will be looking for information, if you then obscure it by using a certain style you'll make it awfully hard for yourself. |
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nah, i understand. i've been writing since i was 17 though it obviously doesn't seem like that. i'm completely autodidactic. the reason why i didn't ask those questions here is because i only expected the posters to simply read it and comment in one way or the other, especially going by how the most successful of my other topics panned out (i.e. 'i liked it/didn't like it.' nothing that seemed on the verge of a critique, such as 'this is the most pretentious abuse of a thesaurus i've ever had the displeasure to read'). this is my only story like this so i should've expected such a response, but i didn't because my other topics have never reached this level. i only braced myself for drunken mastah being unable to read it. |
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pamela anderson |
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oh sorry, i thought i was searching google |
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lol |
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i think the news section covered *some* of what you're talking about but clearly not nearly enough: 12 November 1993 originally began as a narrative poem before evolving into a short prose piece. Like Judy Bloom it is a celebration of innocence and words. A dream sequence was written for the ending but was subsequently and practically cut by Marisa Williams. i'd post that dream sequence here but i'd probably be destroyed. :p |
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the dictionary search for autodidactic proved particularly helpful this time: autodidactic - relating to or having the characteristics of an autodidact |
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haha! |
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