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 Now online (2)steve mcqueen Hyperflake ...and 73 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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Members 8025Messages 2613444 Today 36 Topics 127500 |
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Steven Wright Classics - I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. - I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. - Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me. - What's another word for -thesaurus?- - When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. - When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child... eventually. - I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. - For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. - I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, -Cut it out!- - I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. - I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think, -Hey, maybe I wrote that.- - I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, -Here, you can go.- I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. - I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. - I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. - My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out. - I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add. - I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. - I have an answering machine in my car. It says, - I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.- - I b |
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- I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. - I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any time.- So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. - A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and... oohh, that's much better. - I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it. - I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. - Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. - It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room- temperature. - If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. - You can't have everything... where would you put it? - Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. - I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, -Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.- He said, -Yes, but not in a row.- - I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, -Have you got anything I'd like?- Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, -Extra medium.- - While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, -Do I know you?- - I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious. - On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs. - I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, -Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?- -Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long.- - One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, -Didn't you see the stop sign?- I said, -Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.- - |
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- The judge asked, -What do you plead?- I said, -Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?- - Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing. - For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [Slow glance upward.] - I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. - Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world. - When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, -Did you sleep good?- I said, -No, I made a few mistakes.- - I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said, -Hello, Information.- I said, -I can't find my socks.- She said, -They're behind the couch.- - I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. - I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. - Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time. - I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. |
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woah lots of reading |
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how long did it take you to write that one? |
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i copyed and pasted it from an e-mail |
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i fugured thi sboard could use some steven wright humor |
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my favorite: "Black holes are where god divided by zero". - Steven Wright |
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Hardy-har-har |
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Those gave me a little chuckle, now I'm gonna go smoke a bowl and go to bed, gotta work early tommorow. See ya later |
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"When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child... eventually. " heh, very nice... :) |
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heh funny |
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"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out." that one's good as well... :) |
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- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died, HA~! |
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i like to use these quotes on my away messages |
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its 6:24 am and im smoking a cigarette, and its snowing |
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LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL - When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, -Did you sleep good?- I said, -No, I made a few mistakes.- |
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I love Steven Wright, this is a great thread! I seen him recently on Letterman and he was great. I can't remember the jokes word for word but some went a little like this... - I was driving one day and I seen this guy with a sign saying "Heaven", so I hit him... He looked like a nice guy, I'm sure he would have made it. - I was booking airplane tickets and the phone operrator asked how many would be flying? How do I know? It's your plane. |
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I'm listening to Steve Wright in the Afternoon right now.He gets on my tits. He plays shit songs and is soooo annoying. |
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you must be thinking of different steven wright |
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"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically." -Steven Wright |
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"I've been making wine at home, but i'm making it out of raisons so it will be aged automatically." -Steven Wright |
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