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Christmas Short Story
 

offline optimus prime on 2004-12-13 21:02 [#01424703]
Points: 6447 Status: Lurker



Ignore at will.

The second part is a simple moment of Christmas delight and
innocence.


 

offline Amnesiac from ERIE (United States) on 2004-12-13 21:07 [#01424707]
Points: 2084 Status: Lurker



you'll put your eye out

 

offline optimus prime on 2004-12-13 21:16 [#01424710]
Points: 6447 Status: Lurker | Followup to Amnesiac: #01424707



thanks for catching my vague play on words.

 

offline w M w from London (United Kingdom) on 2004-12-13 22:01 [#01424713]
Points: 21456 Status: Regular



I sort of like how this (and kind of the other) story I read
are just sort of .. happenings. Stuff just happens like in
real life with no grand ending or purpose. The only part
that seemed awkward to me was when the man fell off.. you
should have maybe made it more apparent that his injury was
worse right off the bat because from what was written I
didn't expect him to slip out of consciousness. Some subtle
parts are cool, like watching the scene sideways.. casually
referring to a dream... like, if this was hollywood, they
wouldn't even mention a dream unless it had some sort of
significance if that makes sense. I also like the shortness.
If this was expanded into a complete book I sure as hell
wouldn't read it.. reading/writing as a medium just takes
too long. One interesting thing is, you know how often in
books/videogames.. there is heightened drama on the end
chapter or boss.. well pretend that part is always the
present when writing/making a game.


 

offline qrter from the future, and it works (Netherlands, The) on 2004-12-13 22:17 [#01424714]
Points: 47414 Status: Moderator



you need to do something about your lay-out - the way you
present text is very uninviting to read and pretty tiring to
the eyes.

at least make a more distinct use of paragraphs.

 

offline optimus prime on 2004-12-14 01:25 [#01424760]
Points: 6447 Status: Lurker | Followup to w M w: #01424713



you, sir, are the man. thanks for always having interesting
things to say and offering rational critique.

qrter: that story and 'theft' use single paragraphs for
their parts, but the rest are written normally.


 

offline qrter from the future, and it works (Netherlands, The) on 2004-12-14 01:42 [#01424764]
Points: 47414 Status: Moderator | Followup to optimus prime: #01424760



oh okay, I didn't see the lay-out of the other stories.

 

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