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offline optimus prime on 2004-09-02 00:08 [#01321222]
Points: 6447 Status: Lurker



a new story is up at joshtierney.com; its one sentence
summary is on the main page.

please read it and tell me what you think, or just check out
the pretty artwork.


 

offline Drunken Mastah from OPPERKLASSESVIN!!! (Norway) on 2004-09-02 02:35 [#01321261]
Points: 35867 Status: Lurker | Show recordbag



Nice story. I enjoyed it except for the two cheesy parts...
("symbols of love can bring as much harm as joy" and No
– a billion, trillion stars coalescing amongst
absolute black infinity [plus the rest of that
sentence...]").

I also didn't think it was necessary mentioning that the
prince in the painting held a pear... I just noticed it
particularily...

I couldn't quite connect the names to the characters... to
me there seemed to be one extra character.

you kept the secret very well.. I didn't get it until "His
heart sped when he stepped towards the open gate before
him," which in a way was a better point to realise it than
when it was actually being said.

All in all a good story, and I've read some of the other
stories before when you've made posts about this, and I
probably said this before, but: I love the design of this
page!


 

offline optimus prime on 2004-09-02 02:42 [#01321262]
Points: 6447 Status: Lurker | Followup to Drunken Mastah: #01321261



hurrah!! thanks sir. i've been wanting to change all of the
cheesy parts -- the whole story used to be very
melodramatic.

i'll see to those sentences you brought up.

 

offline optimus prime on 2004-09-02 13:02 [#01321764]
Points: 6447 Status: Lurker



sad little bump.

 

offline idle interloper on 2004-09-02 13:26 [#01321775]
Points: 418 Status: Lurker



That was interesting and very descriptive, but the overall
intention, or meaning, seems a bit hazy. Perhaps that was
your intention. It seems a bit heavy on the semicolons,
maybe try changing some to periods or commas, unless it is
really the only punctuation fitting. I guess that is just
my own opinion. The story seems to be a bit poetic or
prose-like, so I guess it's just whatever you intended to
express, and most rules or guidelines need not apply.
Well... Nice story, though.

 

offline optimus prime on 2004-09-02 13:44 [#01321803]
Points: 6447 Status: Lurker | Followup to idle interloper: #01321775



thanks for the critique.

i have to wait until i see the editor so he can tighten it
for me, since i have no idea what i'm doing.


 

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