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i was drumming on buckets on the santa monica promenade. I was making good spending money and enjoying a stairwell when i met these three hot girls and a kind of dumb dude who were all out "witnessing" for jesus. I'm not a Christian, I am certain now. I was not certain then- at least not up front about my disagreement with the theology. They wanted me to come for bible study. They gave me a Gospel of John (a book from the bible). I read it in the morning before it was late enough to stop drumming. They told me to throw away everything and begin a new life in Christ. I went for a bible study. They were going to new york the next day and wanted me to come and meet the brothers and the sisters. I got on a plane from Long Beach to JFK airport for a red eye flight across the country. They manifested the ticket in a day's notice. The kids were traveling with the mother of the fellow, Rob, and Noel. Both were older women. When we got to New York they put me on a van to Scranton pennsylvania. I didn't know anything about this prior. In scranton they had two houses next to the hospital and a warehouse comprising the center of their architectural antiques business. They were the Church of Bible Understanding. On july 4th i went to the big meeting in Philadelphia. I had stayed one weekend in Scranton and then driven to the Philly ghetto to a compound on a brick walled city block. There were 80 adults in attendance. A tall seventy year old man with a huge white beard stood at the front of the room. Most of the men had round beards that looked rather biblical, and nearly everyone looked rather glazed, uncomfortable, and taut. The old man was Stuart Traille. He shook his arms a lot when he talked. "What's good for today?" he'd shout. Men and women stood up and said "I am a wretch thank you jesus for saving me from the lake of fire where i deserve to go because i am a sinner but thanks to you jesus you raise me up in spite of me thank you jesus oh lord jesus thank you etc etc "-- |
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or something like that each time, all in the same voice. One guy went a little cross eyed when he said it. In fact, a lot of the people were cross-eyed or shifty looking or addled in some sense of the word. While they had their big meeting the "juniors" as they were referred to had a smaller meeting. Basically, all of these people were so terrified that God would send them ultimately to the lake of fire that they worshipped jesus and loved him for saving them. Us kids stayed at the compound for more days for "orientation." After the first day I was fed up and said "this is a cult and I want to go home." I had a court date i had to make in los angeles on the 26th and they'd promised to get me back before then. They told me we'd be there for a week. It seemed about time to go home. Rather than let me poison the minds of their second generation of jesus zombies, they carted me back to scranton to the warehouse where I worked refurbishing furniture for their business. I was around 50 year old men who constantly told me about the two basic facts of reality-- We're all going to die any time now, and that Jesus rose from the dead to make a way for us not to die in our sins and go to hell, but to have everlasting life in him in heaven in god zippity doo dah And i was crazy not to accept these realities as truth ENTIRE ACCEPTO.. I stayed with them there for a few days before i started getting panicky. I got all my stuff and split in the middle of a "Your sin is killing you!" argument, and wandered into a fucked up town called Scranton where i stayed in the housing projects with a white trash couple and drank beer for three days. I realized sin was not my problem and christ was not my answer but i still needed to get home, and these people had the power to get me there. On monday morning i went back to them and said I was wrong and that i needed jesus and wrote a "My Need for Jesus" and "Evidence of God's lover for me" paper.. They didn't buy it, but let me pretend for th |
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did you score with any of the three hot girls? this being the main objective here. |
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o man |
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Let me pretend for three days before i couldn't lie anymore and told em "Sorry I lied, and I don't accept Jesus." "I just need you to send me home like you said you would." "Like alice in wonderland, just tap your heels?" Tim would reply. He would always get right back to the point, "What you need is Jesus." They called me crazy and a con artist the rest of the time I was there. They sent me back on the 24th with a days notice after I'd worked and stayed with them for 25 days. The Church of Bible Understanding reported 5.7 million in tax deductions in 2002 or something. We ate out every night. The people were sad scared people using jesus as a reason for living, and they just want everyone else to use him that way too. They were referenced on Seinfeld in an episode about a carpet cleaning cult. I learned a lot about the bible, and they kind of fucked up my head in that i think a lot about jesus now, even though i don't care to. Life is weird. |
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you stayed 25 days! |
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I didn't score with anyone, but there was a 23 year old girl named Celeste who was so hot and untouched and brainwashed but still smart who i honestly prayed to jesus for. "Jesus, please be real and give me guidance and prove it by helping me do it with Celeste." I've now got personal grudge issues with this cult, as they tricked me into going to Pennsylvania for cult training, and i want to rescue this hot girl from this cult. There were like eight beautiful girls between the ages of 15 and 23.. They're all the next generation of jesus' kids.. |
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if you search on google for "The church of bible understanding" you can read a lot about them as a fucked up abusive religious cult. |
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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oh my that sounds like an adventure |
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good story for a children's book. a freaky children's book. |
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Yeah man! I admire your strength to get into something like that for almost a month! They didn't make you do some cheap labour work behind some wall with some guy that has a sniper and a dog ... for the glory of jesus? You were lucky...... |
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holy fucking shit Mr Burns: "Turns out I pulled a Jesus. Have a nickel" |
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Oh man, I soooo want to be a member of that cult. |
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uhhh |
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That was an awesome story. |
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I'm a Christian but not like those Christians. It makes me worried when I hear stories like that because it seems to me that the 'more extreme' Christians scare people away. If they want people to become Christians then why do they say stuff like "You're going to hell if you don't believe". Saying this will just freak anyone out and send them running. For me I didn't have anyone preaching in my face, I just made a decision. illfates, I'm sad to see what they put you through, because if they hadn't ruined your chances of belief then you could have chosen yourself. |
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is this true? that sounds like something out of some creepy 80's movie. i thought we'd gone past the whole religion/cult/jesus thing! ... i mean its a bit dated now ain't it? i'm not going to get into a religious debate here but i thought it was glaringly obvious that christianity/islam/organised religions were archaic corrupted control systems form the past that anyone with basic knowledge of social psychology and history could see were utter bollox that cause more pain and dillusion than anything else. Need security, a moral framework, the meaning of life? its all around you with family and friends and good healthy living - get your morals from the natural universe, from the life thats all around you not some bullshit club telling you about paradise and "saviours" and sin. Lifes to short to be sucked into something that controls you like that. its criminal and about time the whole charade was revealed for what it was Remember "life of brian"? "You don't need to foloow me, you don;t need to follow anyone. You need to think for yourselves" Fucking true. |
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it's good that you escaped this shit, and proved that you think independently. |
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Holy fucking shit. Now there's a story to tell the grandkids. |
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great story. those radicals you can have a lot of fun with |
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We are Children of Jesus. You will be assimilated. |
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Goddamned religions! |
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