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 Now online (1)big ...and 177 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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Members 8025Messages 2614116 Today 2 Topics 127542 |
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feeling like I am regressing back to my childhood. this is bringing out overwhelming emotions back to me, like I am reliving them. I am starting to feel the past flooding out of me & with it the intense urge to devote my life to making people pay for fucking with my life through my childhood....... this is a serious matter as I have spent most of my life locking away feelings of EXTREME hatred & vengence towards my mother & stepfather for how I was treated.......... I can feel a reall life Kill Bill saga FUCKINGCUNTS!!!!!;OHDS;OHGDOIF;DSLKFVVOINGODINHG;POSIDJKFKD FGKDGDSVDS;LKJGPOJRPOEJHPRPERPSORFJPORFPEJPEGRPEJRGP[OE;RJG brewing in my blood!!....... POEJPGOJEPOJGOIGJEOGRJOEJGRPOPONMPVE |
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post pics!! |
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i think it's going to be rad |
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martha steward |
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revenge isn't really the answer, it wa |
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I'm still not convinced..... you guys have to promise to write to me & send me music if I get locked away tho |
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I think you just need to stop. Drink some cherry Kool-Aid & find your old collection of Legos :) Cheer up mate! Life is not a serious matter unless you think that it is. |
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Nothing good results when you give in to hatred and lust. Look what happened to Darth Vader! |
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yeah, thats it..... I feel like Darth Vader........ I have become Darth Vader!!!!........ I was made this way tho, people never understood me. I AM DARTH VADER!!!!!....... fuck sake man...... seriously, I need some help getting my life sorted out, I thought I'd let go of all these feelings but as soon as I look at my life & how fucked up I am I cant see past it all & get sucked back into the gloom gloomy gloominess, I still wake up in the night reeling in my mind about stuff from the past...... it's really fucked my head up & I feel like inside I am dead & waiting for my body to follow suite...... basically just waiting to die It was a phone conversation with my mum that brought these feelings back today....... I hardly speak to her because she basically doesn't give a fuck about anyone but herself, but I have little brothers & sisters that are with her & obviously I want to talk to/see them. |
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Have you tried meditation? I'm refering to deep thinking on the reasons behind your feelings and the options you have available to change your situation. This usually help me to accept and deal with the rough parts of my life. Do you have a close friend or a good therapist in town? |
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sounds good but the lego could do more harm than good............. I think there are people who don't have a choice of being serious or not, I would like to be able to become Mr Soft whenever I am entering dark waters but it doesn't work like that for me. I want to change but I'm wounded & that makes me too weak to fight against it. I feel weak, I am weak. |
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actually tripping would do more good, but that's a silly thing to recommend |
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clear the fronts |
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I am naturally a deep thinker, I spend alot of my time thinking deeply about various issues I have, the past & the future, I have tried so hard to accept it & I thought I had but I obviously havn't ....... I think one of my problems is I think too much instead of doing something about it, there comes a stage where thinking alone will not move you forward, you need to act on it..... I don't have enough will power/nerve/confidence to sort out the massive amount of things that I need to change in my life (the things I have come to realise through thinking about how I can sort myself out) it's overwhelming & my natural instinct is to just give up like I've learned to do my entire life from people who argue thier dissagreements through violence & abusing thier power......... I have no friends anymore because I don't interact with people......... I don't have a therapist because I don't interact with people.......... I have a PC because I don't interact with people........ or should that be....... I don't interact with people because I have a PC.......... I don't interact with people because I have no friends.......... altho I do have a girlfriend......... & I havn't had any friends since I've been with her...... it's my girlfriends fault, I knew it!!! |
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If life was like it is in Boobah then I would love to spend my time tripping......... with a mind like mine I wouldn't advise it |
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Is there anyone in your family you get along with? |
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i'm sure you'd prefer to be forgiven for your mistakes and ignorance. for the same reason you should forgive those who did "wrongly" to you when you were a child. consider that if they were not ignorant in some way, they would not have treated you "wrongly." when you forgive them, you won't see "wrongness" in their actions. you'll see their blindness. eventually your anger and resentment will have to be resolved, better through forgiveness than violence... beware of the trap of reliving negative experiences through your memories. try not to depend on defining yourself with past experiences. practice forgiveness, and practice always being here now, not dwelling in memories or possibilities. resist judgement, and let the lost be lost, and help those who you can help. |
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words of wisdom them is....... That is the path of understanding you speak of & I have understood why they were like they were but parents are supposed to be there to help you grow & understand you..... not to be bullies that are there because they have to be not cos they want to be..... I was a child & I was treated like I knew better, I was blamed for my "parents" not getting along & I was punished for just being there "I was in the way" I was an emotional punchbag & it meant that I've lost nearly all my life so far through not fitting in, being thrown out of school, thrown out of my "home" because everything was my fault........... I just cannot get to grips with how someone can treat a child so fucking cruely. even though I was treated like that I could never bring myself to treat anyone in the way I was treated, I was a prisoner in my own home & my own stepfather made sure he fucked my life up twice as much as his was, he used to tell my mum I didn't like him & that I was trying to get between them like asif I was Damien or something, I just wanted some time with my mum. He poisened everyones minds against me, my mum was to weak to stand against his evil ways & grew blind to it over time. I was not a disturbance at school untill he frustrated me to the point where I would injure children at school with blunt implements. I was a happy & jolly baby...... HAPPY & JOLLY!!!!!!!...... untill that FUCK came into my life with his paranoid fucking atitude...... I realise he was fucked up from his childhood but why couldn't he see that he was fucking my childhood up in the same way...... I think he wanted to fuck me up, infact I have always been cirtain of it. I blame my mum for not doing anything about it but she will never talk about it & my memory is so bad it's pretty much non existent, which makes it harder to sort things out in my head & I end up spending longer thinking of the past to try & work out what was going on & why it happened..... |
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..... I need to understand & I don't want to believe that he was going out of his way to be a cunt but I just know he was & it makes me want to turn up at his door & beat the shit out of him untill my knuckles crack open........ I have always lived in fear of him & I think in some ways it would help me if I got over that fear once & for all & proved I am the better man...... just like he did with his brother after 18 years of his brother bullying him. I'm not his brother & I'm sure thats how he related to me........ after all he never had a father. I don't want to look at my past & feel like it was wasted but it was. |
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Hey those kind of feelings sound familiar!!! Soulseek? |
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stop telling yourself who your parents should have been and accept them for who they are. i understand the pain and resentment that children can carry with them into adulthood. you must take responsibility for what you carry with you and stop blaming those who you believe gave it to you. i understand that at first this is not easy. recognize, also, the myth of adulthood, the idea that a human being is complete, or wise, at age whatever. people never really grow up, unless they resolve (or are fooled) to give up growing. a tyrant who is obsessed with power and control and manipulation is a sick, lost child. i understand what a child wants a parent to be, and now you are no longer a child and cannot afford maintaining that desire. what your parents did was not justified; however, the ignorant will choose ignorantly. try to see your parents as individuals, and just individuals, no flaws, no strengths, no good or bad, look at them as simply being, like a flower, like a stone, just like you. ignorance is not stupidity, but simply not knowing better. we prefer the company of those who do not express their ignorance through violence, nevertheless denial of such individuals and their choices is not an option. i realize that the memories are very powerful, and you cannot forget them. you shoudn't deny them; you have to change the way you view them. and discipline your mind to not obsess over them. when you forgive your parents completely, and you understand the source of forgiveness, and you recognize that your capacity to be forgiven is the same as your capacity to forgive, you will begin to release yourself from the power that binds you. you deserve nothing but love and freedom, if you will accept them... |
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now you are at the cusp and you will choose. how will you be the better man by choosing violence and domination, the qualities you despise? take a step forward instead of backward... |
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And then you'll get a job and you won't have time for such indulgence. |
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Your totally right plaidzebra. thanks for taking the time to explain..... I mean, your words are very straight forward & can seem very obvious to most people but to a person who doesn't have anyone to help keep them in the right state of mind when things start to slide, y'know........ you have helped me to see things more clearly & put it into perspective for me, I have much respect for all the peeps who brought positivity to this thread....... I just need to keep reminding myself because I always slip back into that old way of thinking, maybe it's become a force of habbit from years of tormenting myself about the past, depression plays a big part in the way I think. I need to read some books & try to keep on top of it by constantly taking steps towards understanding the way my mind works so I can adjust. I know it'll take time but I do feel that I can sort it out........ now I just need to keep my mind in check........ I'll no doubt uncover more issues as I go though, maybe I should see a shrink. |
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