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Deep thoughts by Jack Handey
 

offline afxNUMB from So.Flo on 2004-04-07 12:29 [#01136206]
Points: 7099 Status: Regular



If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about
cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time,
for no good reason.


 

offline afxNUMB from So.Flo on 2004-04-07 12:29 [#01136207]
Points: 7099 Status: Regular



If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one
would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy,
wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone


 

offline afxNUMB from So.Flo on 2004-04-07 12:30 [#01136208]
Points: 7099 Status: Regular



It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to
laugh at that man.



 

offline afxNUMB from So.Flo on 2004-04-07 12:31 [#01136209]
Points: 7099 Status: Regular



It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by
something as simple as wild dogs.



 

online recycle from Where is Phobiazero (Lincoln) (United States) on 2004-04-07 12:35 [#01136210]
Points: 40062 Status: Addict



jack handy = gay


 

offline D-Steak from Kansas City, Mo. (United States) on 2004-04-07 12:36 [#01136212]
Points: 1376 Status: Regular



gay = homosexual


 

offline virginpusher from County Clare on 2004-04-07 12:38 [#01136215]
Points: 27325 Status: Lurker



homosexual = recycle


 

offline afxNUMB from So.Flo on 2004-04-07 12:38 [#01136216]
Points: 7099 Status: Regular



The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth
part of the face.



 

offline plaidzebra from so long, xlt on 2004-04-07 12:55 [#01136224]
Points: 5678 Status: Lurker



don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock,
like i did once. because the faster you go, the later you
are.


 

offline Paco from Gothenburg (Sweden) on 2004-04-07 13:00 [#01136227]
Points: 2659 Status: Lurker | Followup to plaidzebra: #01136224



hahahah!

This reminds me, I need to download the Celebrity Jeopardies
again.

"and now for the audio clue, what continent are we looking
for: ASIA"


 

offline afxNUMB from So.Flo on 2004-04-07 13:07 [#01136236]
Points: 7099 Status: Regular



I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every
morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old
board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a
wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell
out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was
crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.



 

offline afxNUMB from So.Flo on 2004-04-07 13:24 [#01136260]
Points: 7099 Status: Regular



Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me,
that's what her dinner tasted like.



 

offline afxNUMB from So.Flo on 2004-04-09 12:59 [#01136741]
Points: 7099 Status: Regular



The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof
reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy
Texaco latrine.


 

offline Q4Z2X on 2004-04-09 13:22 [#01136777]
Points: 5264 Status: Lurker



"I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him,
we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper
sticker that said, 'I helped skin Bob.'"

"We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we
can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is
what annoys me."

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary.
I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back
to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my
dad."

"As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about
it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a
nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!"

"Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which
have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common
wood screws, can make a child look like a deer."

"Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he
sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might
burn up."

"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little
trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house
and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door,
I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A
jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head
with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot
better, and no harm done."

"If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp,
because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try
to catch you because, 'hey, free dummy.'"

"I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those
high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals."

"Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch
onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it
off, I have to laugh, because 'what is that thing?'"

"Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal
in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the
elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just
trampling and eating everything th


 

offline Q4Z2X on 2004-04-09 13:29 [#01136790]
Points: 5264 Status: Lurker



"...eating everything they see."

"When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman.
After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in
a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I
found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear."

"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk,
my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I
was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite
so funny."

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I
guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."

"Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The
flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog
because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other
stuff could happen and it could be like ambition."

"I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history,
in every culture, is the story of Popeye."


"When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to
ask is if they ever press charges."


"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music,
no
choreography, and the dancers hit each other."

"Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than
some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long
stick."

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was
going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I
drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said,
"DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think
that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I
started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was
getting pretty late."


some of those are pretty evil..



 

offline plaidzebra from so long, xlt on 2004-04-09 13:47 [#01136813]
Points: 5678 Status: Lurker



the crows seemed to be calling his name, thought caw.


 

offline afxNUMB from So.Flo on 2004-04-09 13:51 [#01136819]
Points: 7099 Status: Regular | Followup to Q4Z2X: #01136790



ok, you totally fucked up MY thread. totally thanks alot.
REALLY. thanks, now im annoyed and that picture annoys me



 

offline plaidzebra from so long, xlt on 2004-04-09 13:55 [#01136822]
Points: 5678 Status: Lurker



i'm not sure i like q4 with a blue background either. it
should have been seafoam.


 

offline plaidzebra from so long, xlt on 2004-04-09 13:55 [#01136824]
Points: 5678 Status: Lurker



q4 is a natural show-off. never get into a simpsons quote
contest with him; he'll doh you under the table.


 

offline afxNUMB from So.Flo on 2004-04-09 13:58 [#01136830]
Points: 7099 Status: Regular | Followup to plaidzebra: #01136824



thanks for the look out plaidzebra.

Shit List
Q4Z2X


 

offline Q4Z2X on 2004-04-09 14:01 [#01136839]
Points: 5264 Status: Lurker



that guy isn't me..
i wish i knew him.
i bet he's a nice person,..
with neat glasses that seem to blend into the rest of his
face.

i'll change it up then..
to another random person..


 

offline Q4Z2X on 2004-04-09 14:04 [#01136849]
Points: 5264 Status: Lurker | Followup to plaidzebra: #01136824



also,

you are probably right about that.


 

offline plaidzebra from so long, xlt on 2004-04-09 15:02 [#01136978]
Points: 5678 Status: Lurker



but look how q4 means well. he even changed his avatar for
you. what a gentleman.

i say bring back grimace.


 

offline Q4Z2X on 2004-04-09 15:47 [#01136995]
Points: 5264 Status: Lurker | Followup to plaidzebra: #01136978



done and done.


 


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