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 Now online (2)big dariusgriffin ...and 655 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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Members 8025Messages 2614123 Today 2 Topics 127542 |
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promis not to be too harsh and mean this time ,as i want advice and constructive criticism and various other a cceptable things only on a new poem a just wrote today it's not exactly finsihed cause nothign ever is but will you look at it and at least try and be sensitive when you slag it off?? |
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i wont slag it off - im nice :) |
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give it to me |
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Yeah : ) |
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what you post my eyes will read, with great pleasure. |
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anon this is NOT a good place to be posting your poetry for criticism. we enjoy having you on this board but you're only setting yourself up for disappointment and cruel insults by continuing to post your poems. i highly suggest you find another, more age, gender, and intellect appropriate forum for that. this is a bunch of guys that, although smart and interesting, mostly lack manners and really don't know a damn thing about poetry. |
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hahaha! |
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uhh..thanks ... i don't mind risking it.as i don't know them i don't get too offended so i don't reall ymind too much. the feeling lasts like , oh i'd say half an hour max then goes away. besides - i need opinions on it and all teh sane people are in bed thanks for caring tho :P at least,thats what i think you were doing... |
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now i remember why i usually don't bother giving people helpful advice, they're ingrateful and don't believe me. well, suit yourself. |
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I do know something about poetry and I will say what I think. that is not meant to be rude, but I also won't pussyfoot round my opinion. if you really want criticism, you should have some distance between yourself and your work - this goes for music, poetry etc. |
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how was that ungrateful..? |
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i said "mostly"; in my opinion seeking feedback from the few people who know what they're talking about isn't worth the immature and mean comments, but maybe anon is as prepared for it as she says |
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poem: When you said goodbye, you never really left. you're allways there a pressure on my chest and i'm still often laying and turn to find you there. stuck fast in my imagination softly playing with my hair, you kiss me when i close my eyes and gently stroke my face tears roll down quickly as i realise ive lost my favourite place. no longer do you welcome me, with smiling,loving eyes but with the gentle hug of disapointment and fake,polite surprise. bitch away :P |
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wise words....it's easier said than done though I think |
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so which post is the poem, my guess is it's the second one. |
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it's the one that sucks... with the most words too.i think. |
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see: i thought it wasnt just about the sex sorry, hate me, anyways i started blinking when you started crying and have now have just cried i'm a bit soft |
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oh i see. |
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Sounds like a poem written by a 16 or 17 year old girl. Make your own inferences from that. |
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i'll take that as a compliment as i'm not sixteen yet - so ner ! i'm ahead of my age , by a few months... |
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yes, i knew she was 15, that's great this is just me |
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well you got the rhyme in there. i suppose this poem would work better as lyrics to a song or something. There isn't much figurative language or any metaphor which is what i like to see in poetry so your poem doesn't really do it for me. but thanks for sharing. it sounds like it's based on some personal event so it takes guts to share something like that which gets my respect. |
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a haiku about your poem: your poem lacks depth you should try to use language metaphorically |
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keep up the good work :-) |
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lol |
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i guess my poetry does suck..but there's no harm in trying it,or writing it. kinda like peple that can't sing ,but enjoy it anyways....... |
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I don't think your poetry sucks exactly, it needs to develop. Evolume was right when he said about it coiming across more like lyrics than poetry. Don't give up though because you have time and you like doing it so that will only lead to better things. |
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no and no it happen to think now its nice and no: read my link in the other post on this where i tip: dont be metaphoric but explain very well im so touched by teenage girls, they believe in true love and stuff i was like that once |
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it for frigging sure doesnt have to rhyme, lyrics do! it has to explain, enlighten, make feel, relief and the like |
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i agree it does have a certain innocence about it. i wouldn't say it sucks. you just need to work on your skills and read a lot more poetry. your little sing-songy poem makes me think you should read some emily dickenson. all her stuff was like that, it just had more "meat." more reading between the lines, more beneath the surface. but i was never a fan of her either. |
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evolume: you might be right about that i just cant read poetry, the energy that goes into that id better use for making my own |
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i was like really in tears over it sweet. |
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i know peoms dont have to rhyme but the ones i write that don't rhyme tend to not get shared with anyone cause they're like my thoughts all squished together... and they suck more than the ones that do ryhme This poem i just put upon the other hand, is kinda personal 'cause it how i feel right now , *but* its not put clearly as you said and its not cutting close - so i don't mind putting it up. when i write things and they rhyme it's because i can't put what im thinking onto paper properly and somehow,making it rhyme makes me feel it makes more sence(sp) ...... |
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Better than most lyrics I've heard this year |
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i read two of your poems - this one and , and i do like them. yes, maybe it's right that language isn't used metaphorically etc. so it can sound lacking "depth"... but this doesn't matter to me, since the feelings expressed in the text are there, and can be truly felt when i read it. (in fact, language is not depth at all for me - language is the packaging in which the feelings come, would you say a CD lacks depth if only the packaging was poor, or that a person lacks depth if this person wasn't pretty enough?) the language (as well as the artwork etc.) is important, especially in poetry, but i won't criticize a poem for its language as long as it is above average language (as long as you don't write it in SMS-language and other crap language like that*... ^^) *i did saw people writing "poems" in SMS-language in a dumb forum once. it was terrible. |
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...anyway i don't see anything wrong with the language myself ' _ ' (though english isn't my natural language) |
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immense rooms, full of silence, the sound of our laugh, nothing but souvenir, on my skin still glide your hands on my shoulders an my finger still grasp the curbs of yer body, the big bed is so empty, and the whiskey is so strong... *bleeuaaarrgg!!! brooomf!!!**** heeeeeaaaaaghhh!!!! huuff!! huff! huff! God Damn booze! |
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I don't like much of that kind of stuff, but it's better than good. |
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