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 (nobody)...and 226 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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Members 8025Messages 2614155 Today 0 Topics 127544 |
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The Other one says "so are you, you fat b*stard" A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.' Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice. So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream' He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.' I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.' So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'" "Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'pOgO, get out of the filing cabinet.'" So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.' Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your |
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trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books. And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.' So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.' So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you. "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." |
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Sounds like Tim Vine's one and only routine. Am I right? |
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I have no idea mate, could be =o. |
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one". So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays". But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them. |
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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray. So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest". The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?". So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions". So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite.........one jar. Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets. So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness". You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again". So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment". Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch. And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bi-satchel. So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?". |
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:D! |
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Very good pOgo....I think it is Tim Vine. He's very funny, I saw him in Cardiff doing a similar routine. |
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oh man sometimes i like to just pick up q-tips. it's like i just won the world's second weakest man contest. |
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i like to pick up miniture whisky bottles it makes me feel like a giant |
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