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There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes". The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank." With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock." |
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:) |
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Three men are abducted by cannibals and thrown into a hut to await their fate. The chief tells them that they will be dealt with on a one per day basis. The first day, one man is dragged out and presented with a choice. "Death or JoJo," says the chief. The man has no idea what JoJo is, but at least it can't be worse than death, so he accepts JoJo. Immediately, he is strapped naked to a tree face first and raped one by one by all the cannibals. Torn and bleeding, he is thrown into the hut after that, where he pleads to his companions, "Don't accept JoJo, accept death." The second man is dragged out the second day and presented with the same choice. With his partner's condition still fresh in his mind, he is very afraid but thinks that at least the guy survived. Hence he also opts for JoJo. He gets raped again and again and is thrown back into the hut looking twice as bad as his first partner. The third person is scared out of his wits. When asked the third day, he immediately selects death. The chief nods and passes the sentence "Death by JoJo" |
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Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared, however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating the Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!" |
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An explorer is walking around in the jungle, lost. He walks for hours, and suddenly, in a clearing in the jungle, he finds himself surrounded by a tribe of cannibals... He drops to his knees and prays to God: "Oh God... Please help me... Im screwed...". All of the sudden, a light hits him from above, and a booming voice says. "No... You are not screwed... Pick up that rock over there and hit the chief over the head with it..." The man is astounded, but picks up the rock. Before him lies now the chief of the cannibal tribe, unconscious, with a bleeding wound in the head... The voice from above once again speaks to the man... "There!... NOW you're screwed...!" |
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^^ |
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hehehe.. prefer gary larson... |
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read Bukowski 'Madja Turup' or something like that (don't know the original spelling)... It's funny, it's about cannibals. |
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omgg!! junktion!! where did u hear that joke? my sister told it to me like, 7 years ago! but it wasnt called jojo, it was Oogi :D |
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two friends meet again after several years. Hey, how's it going? - Ahh, I'm fine! And you?! - Pretty good, what do you do for living now? - Ah well, I'm a janitor. - Oh, that's great. I mean, you really help people out with that. I like it! - Yeah, me too. And what about you? - Oh, I'm studying "sense". - Sense? What's that? - Hm, how can I explain. Ah ok, here's a good one. Do you own an aquarium? - Umm, yes. - Alright, so you like fishes then. - Yeah, sure. - And other animals as well. - Yeah, of course. - Hmm ok, so if you like animals, you obviously like little kids as well. - Oh yeah, I have two kids myself. - Ah see, and so you are married. - Yeah, sure. - Which makes you not gay. - Oh no, of course not. - You see, that's "sense". - Ah, I see clearly now. Nice job. See ya. the janitor tells his friend the next day. hey, I met this old pal yesterday, guess what he's studying right now. - I've no idea. - He's studying sense. - What the hell is that? - Alright, I explain. Do you own an aquarium? - No. - ??? |
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It's the way he tells 'em... |
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Would you tell jokes about blacks? Jews?If not, don't tell jokes about the Irish. If you would, fuck off. |
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cool game in your avatar junktion ! |
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I knew that one in spanish |
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All Irish people are stupid. All Scottish people are drunks. All Jews are tightfisted. All Italians are womanisers. All Germans are automatons. All blacks have big dicks. All Americans are fat. All Chinese have small dicks. |
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No, its the Scottish that are tight-fisted. So what are the English? |
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cunts. |
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Inevitable, but still funny. I don't take offence to jokes racist about Italians or the Welsh. It all depends on the way people tell them that makes them offensive- I mean even saying, "oh your from wales" in a cutting tone is offensive. My English flatmate shouting "sheep, sheep, sheep shagger!" is just funny because I know he's just joking. |
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I remember something about lenny bruce abusing every member of the audience with the most derogatory words possible. He seemed to think that if you used the words enough they would become meaningless and would no longer hurt people. A nice notion but he was on smack at the time. |
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Hungarians are joking against gipsies. I guess a lot of other Eastern-Europeans too. |
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haha, i love it |
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Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight? Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart! |
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A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt." She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself. Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?" Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him. Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear." "Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?" Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand. "Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher. "Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies. "Yes." "Do farts have lumps?" "No. Why do you ask." "Well, then I've definitely shit my pants." |
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A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night. He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE. |
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i just heawd the best tv joke, and thewe was this show, and this guy, on tv and he made this tv joke, and it was so hilawious, and it was like. a joke, and um. it was um, wait. it was a joke. |
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heres a good one for the whole family! whats the worst part about fucking a five year old?? ..getting the blood out of the clown suit |
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here, i heard this today, but im not sure how is going to sound in english : a group of hunters meets to do a hunt, so they hunt and drink and hunt a little more and drink a lot more... so at night by the fire, they start to pull their capture: a pheasant, a rabbit, deer, a fox, John... "fuck guys, we shot John", they quickly load him into a car and take him to an emergency room. there they are in the waiting room, when the doctor finally arrives: "the shot wound wasn't fatal, and if you didn't skin him i could of saved him..." |
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says the doctor |
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lol...thats wicked... |
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no but they would tell jokes about the English and Scotish, i don't find it harrmfully offencive. They are just sterriotype joke's. I mean I dident get Austin Powerrs banned just because he was playing the parrt of a typical 60's bad teethed englishman. |
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there are few jokes that are not stereotypical in any sense |
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Whats the difference between neil armstrong and micheal jackson? One walks on the moon, the other fucks little boys. |
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