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Killah from UK on 2001-08-20 15:01 [#00023403] | |||||||||
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Cheer up you miserable bunch! A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sara thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" |
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Killah from UK on 2001-08-20 15:10 [#00023404] | |||||||||
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Allright, how about this one... Lou goes to the doctor's office complaining of not feeling well. The doctor runs some test on him and in a few minutes comes back in. The doctor says, "Lou, sit down. I've got some bad news. You don't have much time to live." Lou is obviously upset about this, but asks, "How much longer do I have doc?" The doctor says, "10." Lou says, "10 what? 10 weeks...10 months...10 years?" The doctor replies, "9...8...7..." |
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od from perth on 2001-08-20 15:11 [#00023405] | |||||||||
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heheh noice! |
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Killah from UK on 2001-08-20 15:21 [#00023408] | |||||||||
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Thanks Od. here's another! a rooster and a cat were sitting at the pool-side, when suddenly the rooster pushed the cat in the water and laughed... so wherever theres a wet pussy, theres a happy cock!!! Whats up with that Geonmie dude, he seems a right dick! |
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Killah from UK on 2001-08-20 15:41 [#00023412] | |||||||||
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Side Effects A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that you`re giving me too much. I`ve started growing hair in places that I`ve never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls." |
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Killah from UK on 2001-08-20 15:48 [#00023414] | |||||||||
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I'm new to this board, I guess people don't like talking to each other, cept when they call each other cuntz etc... A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. "It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate." So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. "Crap!" exclaimed the pastor. It took them a week to clean up the church. |
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Killah from UK on 2001-08-20 15:52 [#00023415] | |||||||||
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Here's some facts for you, not that anyone is bothering to take a notice, since they prefer to slag each other off instead! A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20. Almonds are a member of the peach family. Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. |
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Killah from UK on 2001-08-20 15:56 [#00023418] | |||||||||
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O'l, that how your gonna play it, I will continue to post facts until people start saying stuff!? Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong. Coca-cola was originally green. Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider? |
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Killah from UK on 2001-08-20 15:58 [#00023419] | |||||||||
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Dreamt is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt." Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (thankfully) Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this @ home!) It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles. Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" - and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: "L.A." Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better. |
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phiz from Amsterdam on 2001-08-20 15:59 [#00023421] | |||||||||
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nice one Killah. whats the worst thing about eating vegetables? putting them back in the wheelchair when you're finished. where you from in the UK Killah |
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Killah from UK on 2001-08-20 16:00 [#00023422] | |||||||||
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Right! Thats it, I'm gonna kill you all with facts. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag. On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner. On average people fear spiders more than they do death. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. Polar bears are left handed. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2) poodle; 3) golden retriever. Dumbest dog: Afghan. Some lions mate over 50 times a day. Starfishes haven't got brains. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska. Stewardesses is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life." The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched." BR>The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz." The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses. The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross. The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. There are more chickens than people in the world. There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. Tigers have stripped skin, not just stripped fur. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey. When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city. Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser himself. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. |
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Killah from UK on 2001-08-20 16:02 [#00023423] | |||||||||
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Phiz - From the West Midlands (Shrewsbury - where Guy Ritchie comes from!!) Although I'm living in Bristol at the mo' Thanks for acknowledging my existence!!! Have fun |
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phiz from Amsterdam on 2001-08-20 16:05 [#00023424] | |||||||||
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nice one, i'm a Scouser living in Amsterdam avin a whale of a time. |
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Killah from UK on 2001-08-20 16:05 [#00023425] | |||||||||
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Well, there's 2 people that are cool! Od and Phiz, what about the rest of you miserable buggers.... ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A succesful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before marriage and after marriage. |
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Killah from UK on 2001-08-20 16:08 [#00023426] | |||||||||
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Phiz - I only recenty moved to Bristol, funnily enough I was living opposite the Millenium Stadium for all of Liverpool's recent stadium match's!!! They kicked Manchester Utd.'s ass...HA HA!!!!!!!! Rock on. |
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Killah from UK on 2001-08-20 16:10 [#00023427] | |||||||||
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Man these are good!!! There once was a man named Dave, who kept a dead whore in a cave, she had only one tit, and smelled worse than shit, but think of the money Dave saved. ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- There once was a man from Kubot who lived off of toe jam and snot, when he had none of these, he lived off the cheese, from the tip of his grungy old cock. ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- There once was a man from Kent, whose cock was so long it bent, to save himself trouble, he put it in double, and instead of cumming he went. ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- There once was a man from Nantucket, whose cock was so long he could suck it, while licking his chin, he said with a grin, if my ear was a pussy I'd fuck it. ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- Little Willie Winkle with a thirst for gore stapled his sister to the door, "Now Willie", his mother said with humor quaint, "Don't do that, you'll scratch the paint" ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- There once was a man named Ken who banged a girl in his den, he knew something's wrong when a wart grew on his shlong and now he's in his den with Ben. ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- There once was a woman from Timbuktu who was still a virgin at twenty two till her boyfriend came along and pumped her all night long now she's at home with a baby named lulu. ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- There once was this guy called Mike, who met this chick he really liked, He tried to get near, and she gave him a sneer, cause the chick was a full-fledged dyke. ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- There once was a man from Peru Who had a lot of growing up to do, He'd ring a doorbell, then run like hell, Until the owner shot him with a .22 ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- There once was a man from York who picked his nose with a fork when it got stuck he cried "I don't give a fuck" and walked around looking like a dork. |
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phiz from Amsterdam on 2001-08-20 16:13 [#00023428] | |||||||||
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sorry mate, i'm a blue nose. Everton!! i share a house with a red nose, we've just had loads of the cunts staying for the european final. RED AND WHITE SHITE, RED AND WHITE SHITE, HELLO, HELLO. shit, sorry to go all aggro, not needed when you read all the petty shite thats going on on this board. HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY |
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Killah from UK on 2001-08-20 16:13 [#00023429] | |||||||||
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HAVE FUN!! There was a farting contest coming to town and people came from miles around the first fart was extremely loud the second fart pleased the crowd the third fart, the judges cried "He shit his pants, he's disqualified!" ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- There once was a man from kanass Who's nuts were made out of brass in stormy weather he'd clack them together and lightning shot out of his ass ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- There once was a security guard Who had some troubles keeping it hard He jerked it off nightly And squeezed it tightly while looking at his identification card. ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- There once was a man from Peru who fell asleep in a canoe while dreaming of Venus he played with his penis and woke up all covered with goo ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- Gorgey Porgey puddin and Pie. Jerked off in his girlfriends eye. When her eye was good and shut, Gorgey Fucked that one eyed slut. ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- I once new a person named Burl Whose looks would make you hurl why do I say it? I'm not full of shit this thing was half boy and half girl ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- There was a young gypsy girl Rose With obsessions for gentlemen's' hose Up her pussy, her rear, In her mouth and each ear And her cute little freckle-tipped nose. ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- There was an old lady from Wheeling, who had a funny feeling she laid on her back, and tickled her crack and pissed all over the ceiling |
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Killah from UK on 2001-08-20 16:16 [#00023430] | |||||||||
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Phiz - I gotta be honest mate Iwas Everton fan since Peter Reid's hey day!! I love any team that shoves a spike up Fergusson's ass!! Ha ha Ren & Stimpy fan aswell! Top knotch mate! I think 90% of the people on this board need to listen to the Happy Happy Joy Joy song!!!! Rokkit! |
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Killah from UK on 2001-08-20 16:19 [#00023431] | |||||||||
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Last few Limericks!! Hickery Dickery Dock The bitch was suckin my cock The clock struck two I dropped my goo And dropped the bitch off at the next block! ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- Jack be nimble Jack be quick Jack burnt off his little Dick! ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- Old mother hubbard went to the cubbard to fetch her poor dog a bone. But when she bent over, Rover took over And the bitch got a bone of her own! ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- There once was this guy named Stan Who had some trouble being a man He wore a dress and high heels And drove a Chevrolet with pink wheels And soon Stan became a tran ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- There once was a man from Monclair Who screwed his wife on the stair, The banister broke, He quickened his stroke And finished her off in the air. ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- There once was this guy named Gored Whose girlfriend was as flat as a board He'd suck as hard as he could And pulled them more then he should But soon even Gored got bored. ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- Mary had a little sheep, And with this sheep She went to sleep. The sheep turned out To be a ram And Mary had a little lamb! ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- A sexy young maiden named Jill Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill They found her vagina In North Carolina And bits of her tits in Brazil ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- There once was a man from St.Paul Who swore he had but one ball Two dirty young bitches Tore down his breeches And found he had none at all. ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- There was a young man from St. Rose, Whose love life was so full of woes, He loved sixty-nine, He'd do it all the time, But always got shit on his nose. ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- There was an old hag named Van Cleef, Who was constantly passing a queef. One day while visiting the farm, She passed one meaning no harm, But killed the whole herd of beef. ----------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- There once was a man from Moline who made a jack off machine at thirty-two strokes the cock sucker broke and turned his balls into cream! |
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Killah from UK on 2001-08-20 16:27 [#00023433] | |||||||||
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Who is this R3FL3X guy, is he important on this site??? I take it Phobiazero makes/updates it? |
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Killah from UK on 2001-08-20 16:35 [#00023434] | |||||||||
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Well I gotta say, I've been an AFX fan for 10 years at least, seen him live hundreds of times, the people I've met at gigs have been a good bunch, guess non of them come here. Fuk you. |
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codes from inside on 2001-08-20 17:13 [#00023439] | |||||||||
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...and fuck you too, madam. Please return to the fucking retard bin from whence you came. I've seen AFX loads of times as well, but thankfully I never met a fucking geek who spat shit jokes and childish limericks at me. Piss-ant. |
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Organ Grinder/Rujdq Julqghu from my own little fantasy world on 2001-08-20 17:29 [#00023442] | |||||||||
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what the hell is this? are you TRYING to get banned? |
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Killah from UK on 2001-08-20 18:03 [#00023450] | |||||||||
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You fukkin' cock suckers, geek? Fuk you man this first and last time I use this message board. I'm outta here. Cuntz |
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Transmission from Holland. Yeah! on 2001-08-20 19:08 [#00023459] | |||||||||
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geez ...It was fucking funny!!! LrZ |
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Glass from the Cookie Monster's Bordello on 2001-08-20 22:36 [#00023499] | |||||||||
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Ok, let's get mad b/c we start threads that don't get a lot of replies. |
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geonime from geoworld on 2001-08-21 02:00 [#00023541] | |||||||||
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Ron and Reg are moaning about the younger generation. "my son must be the laziest little bastard in the world," Ron says. "You've got no chance mate," Reg answers. "My boy Jimmy is the laziest little shit I've ever seen." The two men continue to argue and decide to visit each other's houses to witness the lazy lads first hand. First they go to Ron's house, where his son is watching This Morning. "Go and get me some fags, will you?" Ron asks his lad. "Get them yourself," the boy says. "I'm watching television." "Go on son," Ron says. "I'll give you a tenner if you just go and get me some ciggarettes." "Bollocks," the boy says. "I'm not shifting." Ron and Reg then head over to Reg's house. They walk into the living room where the curtians are shut and the TV is blaring out Oprah. Jimmy, Reg's son, is sitting in front of the fire, the room is unbearably hot, and the boy is weeping softly. The two men stare in disbelief - and 18 year old lad crying over a TV show? Jimmy doesn't even look up as the men enter the room, he just sits, staring at the television screen, crying like a baby. Annoyed by his son's apathy, Reg turns off the TV. But it doesn't do any good. Jimmy just carries on sitting there, weeping and staring into space. "What's the matter, son?" Reg asks. "I'm burning," Jimmy eventually replies. |
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