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 Now online (1)recycle ...and 169 guests Last 5 registered Oplandisks nothingstar N_loop yipe foxtrotromeo Browse members... |
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If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something. When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby." Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games. I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it. If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right |
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.....it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink. I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman. Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man." Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out. The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people. I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away. I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. I h |
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i'd like to go to the American Civil War armed with one uzi and whip it out in battle, firing upon both sides. That way, they would unite for a common good, and i would effectively save the country. yes. |
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Strange man. |
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pirotess help us |
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I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. I'd rather be rich than stupid. If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me." If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward. I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out w |
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I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. |
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I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing. He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun." The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see. As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy! One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned do |
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**Sigh** Atlast..... Got rid of my mind-demons!!! 8o) |
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No, Help ME! I gotta live with him! Honey, u been smoking wacky baccy in the toilets at work? |
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Honey... where the hell did you get all this shit from? |
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*pOgO's brain is now made of jelly* |
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Flim flam gets the longest comic speel award! |
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God!! Flim you must be really bored to write that short story!!!!!! |
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you know flim flam you cannot complain about watching tv with pirotess i can see what she's got on her hands |
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I have to watch tv to get away from his madness :D |
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i know what you mean i have a case at home like that but i turn to my PS2 i go into my final fantasy world |
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and when i get really pissed killing monsters is the sweetest thing |
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I see dead people!!! |
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real original, i call it copy & pasting deep thoughts by jackhandy :0) |
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you should be on the greatest movie quotes ever flim flam :D |
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Did I say it was mine? Just my ikkle devils is all!! 8op |
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if i was a pokémon, could i write normally or would i only be able to write "zim zim uzim zim ziiim"-like stuff? if i was a computer, would i be able to send e-mails, visit websites etc.? what if i was a shimpanzee, but would turn myself into a human each time i'd look at myself? if all humans were corn flakes, would milk be considered as god or as the devil? maybe everything we imagine actually exists in another universe... and everything they imagine in that another universe is what actually exists in ours... but we can't imagine something out of nothing... ...or can we? maybe it's just an illusion, maybe we can imagine something and just think we were inspired by something else already existing because we tend to compare new things to old things... what does the back of my eyes look like? |
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um no offence at all, but seriously....this is non-electronic music related. if you want to chat: www.aim.com |
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I don't think I know you any more... |
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These extracts are (allegedly) from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK: I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.. and their 14 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant we are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. I have had t |
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ExHore... post wasn't electronic music related either :) one either... and one... and one... etc ^^ |
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lol flim-flam |
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*tear falls from eye ball* |
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hahah... jack handey is a genious |
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