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So yesterday i got a telephone-call from a friend. We've been like penpals for a while now. Only i haven't been very loyal... i would always just forget to write to her (well not "forget"... but when you've got other things to do as well you think: "i'll write tomorrow", and then the next day you think the same thing, and days become weeks... and suddenly you get one of those postcards that say: "are you still alive?" etc... but okay, this is not so important, we are penpals, and we've met like maybe 2 times in real life before). So yesterday she called me and asked if i would come over. She was in the middle of moving to another appartment she said, and needed some help moving the heavy things. I had a day off from work, so i got on the train 15 minutes later. But when i got there, well we DID re-arrange some heavy furniture in her new place, but it was like 5 minutes work, and nothing she couldn't have done on her own. Clearly just an excuse for getting me to come over. And then she said her dog needed to take his walk. So we started making a loooooong walk through the city where she lives. And suddenly she starts talking about all her problems... i mean i know her life has sometimes been difficult, but this time she REALLY opened up. She told me when she was very young she caught her father molesting her older sister... and how a few years later her brother did the same thing to herself (to my friend, not her sister). And now she suspects that her brother is molesting his own children. Also her mother was always telling my friend what a worthless child she was and how she wished she would have never been born. And then my friend said: "well they can all go to hell, my family is dead to me anyway". And really... i wasn't able to say anything :-s It is difficult enough for me to engage in a normal conversation already. But this was so heavy and she was being so honest and i... i just totally froze. In my head i formed loads of sentences i should have said, but all i could mumble were things |
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And really... i wasn't able to say anything :-s It is difficult enough for me to engage in a normal conversation already. But this was so heavy and she was being so honest and i... i just totally froze. In my head i formed loads of sentences i should have said, but all i could mumble were things like "oh my god" and "how terrible" She told me she was also being treated by sort of a psychiatrist, and was actually on medication. Pills to supress her depression... don't know how they're exactly called. But basically those social workers cannot help her at all. They want her to to live on her own, so they gave her this appartment in the worst part of town. She's had gunfights happen right in front of her window :-( She said: "living her would be enough to make anyone depressed, i can't understand how they (psychiatrists) make me live here". It happened 4 times already that she took all her pills at the same time... you know, to commit suicide. And she was telling me this... and i had no idea what to do. I wanted to say something that would help her, be there for her... but i didn't know how. She was almost crying, and all i could do was walk there. On her way over to the psychiatrist that morning she apparantly tripped and fell over, and so the leash from her dog slipped out of her hand, and her dog almost got run over by a car... it stopped like a few centimeters in front of her dog... "so i came there almost hysterical, i was very upset. And she (psychiatrist) could only say how terrible it was, she didn't even put her arm around me. Don't you think she should have comforted me?" And i was thinking: "oh god... i really should hold her now, i must comfort her"... but i just couldn't :-s No-one ever told me how to do that. I felt so bad for her but my body just wouldn't cooperate with my brain... instead i just said: "how terrible"...damnit. |
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And what i wrote here isn't even half of what she told me. If she would have told me in a letter i wouldn't have believed so much bad things had happened to her. But yesterday i could tell from her face that she wan't making any of this up. The last part of the walk she didn't say anything anymore. And i didn't know what to tell her... there was a really oncomfortable silence for a few minutes and then we arrived back at her house. She said: "maybe you should go now" and then as she walked in and turned around... i just sorta smiled to her and all i could say was: "okay, i'll write to you, okay?". I really hate myself sometimes... there were so many things i could and should have said. And she obviously needed someone to talk to. I'm always kinda shy, but i wish i wouldn't have been yesterday :-s Sigh. I don't know why I'm writing all this down here... at least i got it of my chest now. And i have to get to work now anyway. So...bye. |
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I know exactly what you mean, I have 2 female friends who have been in similar situations, just different problems. It really is hard to know what to say, I didn't really either. |
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I think you should meet up with her again and try to work things out, but u have to be prepared to comfort her, because that's what she probably really needs. |
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Explain yourself in writing later (awkward inability to behave socially/comforting). And tell her that her miserable existence allows others feel happier relative to her. Read about overpopulation and pollution extinction of species and other depressing things to reinforce an already miserable world view. |
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heh... why? just to reiterate the fact that 'he's such an idiot'? ;-) |
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i miss the double-headed feline!!! =( |
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idiot..really?..no..come on..okay only if you insist then..and we will review the stuation in a few weeks to check for trace elements of your supposed idiocy...bed rest and no alcohol in the mean while.. |
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weird..... she must have no friends apart from you... and she is suicidal.... she should say something about that guy that fucks his kids cause thats fucking discusting and the kids will end up either commiting suicide or killing or molesting people or kids when they grow older.... |
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wow it sounds like she was really desperate for someone |
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Sounds to me as if she just needs someone to talk/a shoulder to cry on...she sounds real isolated which is kinda dangerous as she's obviously very distressed... If I were you, I'd make the effort to phone her every few days and just listen to her... And no need to feel an idiot, mate...you sound like you did the right thing by going over & visiting her; that probably mean't a lot to her... let us know how it goes... |
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but dont let urself be trapped..... sucked in to her problems dont let her take u hostage and thats not selfish...... remember that it wouldn't help her either, she needs serious professional help |
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Thanks you guys...! Zephyr Twin... it's good to know you didn't really know how to react either. Not to be mean, but it's just a comforting thought that i'm not the only one :-) And yes the next time i meet up with her it'll be different i hope... i was just too shocked friday. Next time i will know what to expect and it will be easier (i hope!) i really want to comfort her if i can. wMw... eh... as strange as it may sound, your post did actually help me :-p I just finished writing her a letter explaining... well... pretty much what i wrote in this thread. It's like i wrote everything i couldn't say. I'm putting it in the mail later this day, so she'll read it tomorrow. And then i'll probably telephone her tomorrownight (if i can find the courage). i don't think i am her only friend... but she did say how lots have people have abandoned her... or said they would call and never did... things like that. I really don't want to become one of them :-( I think she really needs to feel there is someone she can trust. |
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And thank you also Jand :-) Reading all yr replies had made me feel better. I really hope it did her some good that i came over yesterday (rather than that i just made things worse!). I've heard people say so many times before that it's often just enough if someone will listen to you if you're upset. But now that's it's actually happened i'm still thinking "how could it help if someone just listens?" hehe... the theory always sounds nice until you actually run into a situation :-/ Anyway, i'll let you know what happens. I had thought the same thing AMinal... indeed i've got to be careful as to not let her lean on me *too* much, as it wouldn't do either one of us any good. But thanks man :-) It's nice to have you take me seriously and thinking with me. She is already receiving serious professional help... i do hope those people know what they are doing |
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shit is fucked, very fucked. i woulda probably just have done the same thing in your situation though.... |
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at the end of the day she probably just wants to know that theres at least SOMEONE there she can talk to. Talking, getting it all of your chest is a relief in itself, and I think you did more for her that you realize. If you just explain to her next time you see her that you were just totaly shocked by what she said she'll understand. It's alot to offload on someone in just one day. Take her out, be her mate, help her to try and forget it all even for just a few minutes, that's all you can you do and maybe that's all she wants. and if YOU ever need to chat you've got us. We need to hear other peoples problems to remind us that we're normal =oD |
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thanks pOgO :-) i was quite curious for a "female perspective" on this situation ;-) And it's good to read your post! tmakes me happy to see that no-one thought i handled it totally wrong. So i'll just try to be a friend to her now. Yeah, it are the holidays, we could probably go on some daytrips the next couple of week. Thnx for the advice :-) By the way i wouldn't consider myself to be normal ;-) But everyone can judge for him/herself whether they are:-p |
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heh George looks happy anyway ;o, |
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