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a poem that i wrote
 

offline Clipper from in a cave with my two friends (United States) on 2002-07-20 11:14 [#00317301]
Points: 420 Status: Lurker



it's about an ex-girlfriend:

looking at you know is like looking at a car crash;
not supposed to see these broken bones;
and if you look back, i'm another blade of grass;
i'm a million disconnected phones;
it's so hard for me to be this hand grenade;
when i'm always told where to be thrown;
i tried to hear you;
but your words just clicked like locust;
i tried to see you;
but you were always out of focus;
now i think you never cared;
and i haven't pulled out every thorn;
'cause you were always ready to wear;
but never ready to be worn.

 

offline Clipper from in a cave with my two friends (United States) on 2002-07-20 11:19 [#00317305]
Points: 420 Status: Lurker



feedback???feedforward???

 

offline hedphelym from Montreal (Canada) on 2002-07-20 11:30 [#00317310]
Points: 749 Status: Addict



have you gone to bed yet?

OK...I see you are really desperate for some kind of
aknowledgement, so here:
2 decent lines, no more, no less:
-the one w/ the word "focus"
- other w/ "wear"

 

offline Clipper from in a cave with my two friends (United States) on 2002-07-20 11:49 [#00317322]
Points: 420 Status: Lurker



reallly?...so you didn't like it all that much, eh,
hedphelym?


 

offline hedphelym from Montreal (Canada) on 2002-07-20 11:53 [#00317326]
Points: 749 Status: Addict



I do apologize if I have hurt your feelings.


 

offline Clipper from in a cave with my two friends (United States) on 2002-07-20 11:54 [#00317327]
Points: 420 Status: Lurker



no way...i love an honest response...thanks!

 

offline JAroen from the pineal gland on 2002-07-20 13:46 [#00317404]
Points: 16065 Status: Regular



the moon shines red
but the system dies
it lies wasted

but my day is green
i eat to live
and my brain stands clean

 

offline JAroen from the pineal gland on 2002-07-20 13:56 [#00317405]
Points: 16065 Status: Regular



maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan this place is boring at this
time of day


 

offline Zephyr Twin from ΔΔΔ on 2002-07-20 18:13 [#00317583]
Points: 16982 Status: Regular | Show recordbag



i thought it was a pretty cool poem.

The part about the hand grenade, I think one more line
should occur after "thrown" that rhymes with grenade, or
just nade. It would complete the poem a lil more, IMO. ;)


 

offline pOgO from behind your belly button fluff on 2002-07-20 18:20 [#00317588]
Points: 12687 Status: Lurker



I like the first line

Iz funny


 

offline Clipper from in a cave with my two friends (United States) on 2002-07-20 20:23 [#00317668]
Points: 420 Status: Lurker



thanks for the feedback, guys!

 

offline Dozier from United States on 2002-07-21 00:06 [#00317825]
Points: 2080 Status: Lurker



"'cause you were always ready to wear;
but never ready to be worn."

I like that a lot.

 

offline kittie from Denmark on 2002-07-21 00:14 [#00317827]
Points: 89 Status: Lurker



it's nice... but i gotta agree with dozier -those lines are
the coolest =)


 

offline Clipper from in a cave with my two friends (United States) on 2002-07-21 01:26 [#00317860]
Points: 420 Status: Lurker



gee...thanks, i wrote it when i was about 17

 

offline Monoid from one source all things depend on 2002-07-21 01:49 [#00317868]
Points: 11007 Status: Regular



and it shows.....

 

offline Thelonious Punk from *fap fap fap* on 2002-07-21 03:03 [#00317915]
Points: 581 Status: Lurker



Heh. "and it shows..." hehe..

I didn't like it all that much except for those last two
lines. They're slightly interesting.


 

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